All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
5-21-12
THANK YOU JESUS! BUT OUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE!
yeah, i know where she is. i'm Jesus.
ALL THE GOOMBAS HAVE AIDS!
knew that too. pretty much know everything.
NOT SURE WHAT WE DO HERE!
want to hear how you die?

 

by mandingo
5-23-12
christ, i'm high as Kilimanjaro and i need to make it past my parents without them noticing.
hey, sweety. you hungry?
i was BORN hungry!
a characteristic i still possess low these many years later.
GROUNDED.

 

by mandingo
6-03-12
Ben, i'm you 30 years from now! in the future you become a prodigious child rapist!
no way!
way!
well not anymore i don't! thanks for the warning, future me!
i'm not here to warn you.

 

by mandingo
6-10-12
so, it's just you and me now, snowman I built out of bird feces.
god, you're glorious.

 

by mandingo
6-22-12
do you say anything when you climax?
i usually set it up by telling a girl i've had a vasectomy. then later, right as i start to explode inside her, i say, "Oh no! It's come loose!"
haw
how bout you?
i usually just run into lamaze classes and scream, "SOME BABIES NEVER LEARN!" sets it off like a sprinkler.

 

by mandingo
6-25-12
look, i know we're both waiting for the one stall that has a door, but what say you let me jump ahead of you, huh? pretty obvious i care more about privacy than you do
why's that? because i'm a country rube so can't care about privacy like you city folk?!
no, because you've been staring at yourself in the mirror for awhile now
that all!
masturbating.
50 bucks says i can take out the other eye!

 

by mandingo
7-21-12
so there i am painting the brown door white on the way out...
i usually just kick the brown door in and throw paint all over the room
when who should walk in? the rest of the nunnery!
then maybe call the room a cab and tell the room to go wait on the curb
and of course they're all "rape's a sin blah blah blah." boy was my face red. and her sheets. later, my hands.

 

by mandingo
7-23-12
BURGERS UP!
HO'S DOWN!

 

by mandingo
7-25-12
you know, Mark, i only procreated so someone would have to hang out with me. no one else would. "hey, i'll have a kid," i thought. "they'll hang out with me! if they want to eat."
and he did. and for a long time we had fun together. but then he turns 15 and suddenly he doesn't want to be seen in public with me. how do you think that makes me feel, Mark?
bad?
very bad, Mark. very bad.
so is that a yes or no to "are you ready for your check?"

 

by mandingo
7-29-12
hey, John.
yo, Steve. got a little surprise for you. remember that little girl you killed when you were drunk driving? i brought her back to life. here, look.
what the fuck! no, i don't want to see... HOLY SHIT!!!
STEEEEEEEVE! WHYYYYY, STEVE???
i never touched a drop since. it took me 15 years to even drive again. i still go to therapy so i won't kill myself. you know all this, John. why would you do that?
THAT'S THE FUCKING CONTEST, STEVE!

 

by mandingo
9-26-12
barring a sudden swell of interest, i'm judging this on friday
barring a sudden swell of interest, HC's judging this friday
HC's hoping interest suddenly swells so has barred himself from judging until friday
HC's sudden swell of interest over Jud-jing the busboy has led to him being barred from TGIFriday's
HC prematurely ejaculated all over an onion blossom while beating a Filipino ladyboy to death with a bar
right. mistake sitting in a circle

 

by mandingo
10-26-12
hey, Ted, how's that Vietnamese mail order bride of yours?
Lick Lick? she's okay i guess. but i think she knows i'm trying to seduce her sister, Side Pie. really bringing me down.
i know something that will cheer you up!
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT!
you decorated the glory hole for Halloween!

 

by mandingo
11-20-12
twins! can you believe it?! i know! why don't you name the boy and i'll name the girl!
Vanessa! MC Dick Shaker! Dinner!

 

by mandingo
11-29-12
we're siamese blondes joined at the hair. for years we've tried to think of a way out of our harrowing ordeal, but nothing's ever come to us
holy shit, i've got it! HOW DID WE NEVER THINK OF THIS??
dear god what?!
TANDEM BICYCLE!!

 

by mandingo
12-03-12
oh christ, it's the Mormons!
*KNOCK KNOCK*
if we can see you running from god's word, don't you think beelzebub can?
STORM CELLAR!
sure is dark down here.
AGHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

by mandingo
1-01-13
what's the story morning glory?
murderball, sarge.
the hooliganism that's arisen from that noble sport! how'd they do it this time?
they chainmailed their balls and teabagged a hooker to death after USA got shut out by Canada
SHUT OUT?!
i'll grab the chainmail

 

by mandingo
1-05-13
my balls itch.
i gotta go
don't worry, that's just a ploy so that when people see that single panel on the front page, it'll entice them to click on it
oh thank christ! i totally believed it for a second!
you're so gullible! they never itch!

 

by mandingo
1-08-13
doc, my knee kind of hurts when it gets cold out.
here, try New Aspirin!
New Aspirin might cause spontaneous AIDS, ball gout, stankfinger, orbital herpes, water allergy, bigfoot dick, prolific simile (like a boss),
death, vomitting, deathvomitting, metallic constipation, ball slapping, rectal implosion, warring brain lobes, palpable regret, dry blinking, the inability to love,
and knee pain when it gets cold out.

 

by mandingo
1-17-13
what's this you handed me? "Hi, I am a deaf, dumb, and mute fingerless-gloved retard. I need money to eat so I don't have to keep nibbling pieces off myself."
"My penis is down to a nub. A disgusting, fleshy, nub. My dad gave me the Aids. Does this tie make me look fat? I like boys."
let's see what you really said...

 

by mandingo
1-29-13
ha! i played a joke on you - i raped and killed your mother!
ha! i played a joke on you - i put your mother in a my mother mask, so you really raped and killed your own mother!
ha! i played a joke on YOU! i put your wife in a my mother mask so i really raped and killed your beautiful wife!

 

Nov 26- i've turned the tables. started following him around. couldn't really think of anything ominous to say so i just started naming Friends episodes. The One with the Yeti, The One with Joey's Bag
by mandingo, 2-10-13

 

Nov 27- The One Where the Stripper Cries. and with that, i'd run out. sensing my hesitation, he attempted to follow me again, but i would not turn. we've been locked in a staring contest for 6 hours.
by mandingo, 2-10-13

 

Dec 25
by mandingo, 2-10-13

 

Mar 3- we decided to make a go of it. opened a little bistro. there's even talk of marriage. i asked if we should start a family. s/he said "Soon." i replied "The One with the Free Porn." all is well.
by mandingo, 2-10-13

 

by mandingo
2-14-13
♫ Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose! And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows! ♫
LIKE A LIGHTBULB!
♫ All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names! They never let poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games!♫
LIKE A LIGHTBULB!
♫ Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"♫
TOO LATE FAT MAN!

 

by mandingo
3-02-13
what'd they get you guys for?
stole a car
assault
bne
sometimes i fart in the tub and the bubble runs up my back and pops on my neck!
allegedly.

 

by mandingo
3-12-13
dad, why were you such a dick in the old testament?
that was a weird time for me. the band had just split up and your mother and i were barely talking. plus i was your age which means i'd just entered pon farr
what's pon...
RAAAAARR!!!! FIGHT ME, KIRK!!!!

 

by mandingo
3-22-13
wedding's off
but i'm having your stepson!
yeah but what's that phrase where you felt one way but now you feel another?
"change of heart?"
"sobered up"

 

by mandingo
5-19-13
my life is an open book
where's Chapter 4?
there is no Chapter 4
but it says in the table of contents: "Chapter 4: The Priest seems Nice" but the whole chapter is torn out and burned
how could you possibly tell it was burned
Chapter 5's called "Burning Chapter 4"

 

by mandingo
6-19-13
ARE YOU DOWN WITH BROWN TOWN??!!
beg pardon?
we rip and kill, at WILL!!
isn't that an LL Cool J lyric?
Brown Town and its subsidiaries neither confirm nor deny an unholy pact with Ladies Love Cool James and to suggest otherwise upsets Him.

 

by mandingo
6-27-13
KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
Steve the Rapist!
Steve the Rapist who?
and then you raped her?
KNOCK KNOCK

 

by mandingo
7-08-13
you met Steve? he's my brother from another mother.
so... your stepbrother.
no, we're friends. but we're closer than most friends, you know?
gotcha. lovers.
no not lovers! what's wrong with you!
hey calm down! what do i care if you're fucking your stepbrother!

 

by mandingo
8-14-13
so now i'm a jingoist, Jane?? so now i'm a fucking jingoist?!
a goddamn kick to your crotch, pie to your face jingoist??
hey, who's that over there? oh yeah, it's Pete. PETE THE
GODDAMNED JINGOIST!! hide your wallets! cuff your sports coats! the fucking jingoist is here!
you don't know what jingoist means, do you?
i'm a little fuzzy

 

by mandingo
9-01-13
you know what's fun to visualize? babies with rabies.
twitchy bitey little monsters hell bent on destruction, but without the motor reflexes to do anything about it
stewing in their own rage, driven to insanity by the frustration of it all
christ, that gets me hard.
anyway, I'm Mr. Johnson and your regular teacher couldn't be here today...

 

by mandingo
9-15-13
are you there, God? it's me, Margaret.
Cho?
Johnson.
alright then, i'm here.

 

by mandingo
9-26-13
Captain's Log Stardate 41273
point 2
and a third
flapjack 7
you never learned to stardate, did you, captain?
I SLIPPED THROUGH THE SYSTEM!

 

by mandingo
9-27-13
i think we need to shake things up. rename our product
but we sell butter
OR do we sell "You Butter Believe It!" kind of an IN YOUR FACE to the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter people. BAM! take that, motherfuckers! TWO can play that game!
i like it! let's roll with it! by next month, every package of butter on the store shelf will be labeled You Butter Believe It!
one month later...
from the minds who brought you I Can't Believe It's Not Butter ALL NEW Butter.
damn you, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! DAMN YOU!

 

by mandingo
10-06-13
i want Hot Wheels monster trucks and a Razor scooter!
HO HO HO! Santa will see what he can do
i want a Playstation 4 AND an Xbox One!
HO HO HO! Santa will see what he can do
i want a Barbie Dream House and glitter!
HO HO MO! Santa will wash his lap, you little AIDS vector

 

by mandingo
10-10-13
okay, so i need an adjective, a noun, a nationality, an occupation, an adjective, a number, and another adjective
i'm afraid you have a rare form of NAPOLEONIC Aids. you must have shared a HAIRBRUSH with a VIETNAMESE VIOLINIST. i'm afraid the prognosis is bad. you'll be HELLA dead in STARDATE 43930.7 months
i'm very GASSY to have to break this to you.

 

by mandingo
1-11-14
Sister Sarah, as i'm sure you've been told, there's an army of horny villagers outside threatening to burn our church down if we don't turn over a nun to be ravaged
HERE I COME BOYS!
wait, no, Sister Sarah. we decided to do the fair thing and choose by seniority.
GREAT! I'VE BEEN HERE LONGEST!
no, i mean we're going to choose our least senior member to go out there and be despoiled in every possible way
i'd like to quit and reapply for membership in your fine nunnery.

 

by mandingo
1-29-14
man, i'm so sick of being a virgin
i thought you said you were molested a lot as a kid
i was
then how are you still a virgin?
virgin in the front, party in the back

 

by mandingo
11-14-14
in my youth, this look used to net me pussy from half a block away
then i practiced

 

by mandingo
11-14-14
i'm your babysitter
holy jobby, whit a lucky feckin' break.
ye givin' me semaphore wi' yer pom poms askin' fur permission tae lain oan mah coopon?
aam answerin' back wi' a coople ay orbs ay mah own tellin' ye th' runway is a-ok feckin' clear, lassy.

 

by mandingo
7-08-15
you know those Amiibos where you SLAM them down on the Gamepad to roll the dice? well fuck if i can afford a Wii U so i went all DIY. bought some rebar to make my OWN Amiibo out of
ROLL THE FUCKING DICE, GAMEPAD!!!

 

by mandingo
7-08-15
what's wrong?
oh shit. i think i addressed those letters to the wrong people
Dear Penthouse, We've had a great 7 years but I think it's time to move on. I wish you nothing but love. All the best in the world, Carol
Dear John, I never thought this would happen to me! I fucked my husband's brother! A LOT. He's hung like a FUCKING OX. I can't believe they're from the same litter!! It started with anal...

 

by mandingo
7-14-15
i think we should rename Wednesday, "Friendsday," Reg. the world needs more of that.
just good friends hanging out, enjoying each other's company, you know? doing what friends do.
and you know what friends don't do, Reg? bend each other over the FUCKING SALOON DOORS. AND RAPE THEM. IN THE ASS.
Jesus, FINE! i'll be Luigi!

 

by mandingo
7-14-15
so i went to the Dalai Lama and got in touch with my soul, but it's always texting
WTF DOOD??
i sent it a friend request on facebook but it hasn't responded back yet
GTFO!!
i think it might have slept with my girlfriend.
YOLO!!!!1

 

by mandingo
8-04-15
In the beginning, God created the Earth and placed man on it.
God eventually realized that he had not done something right.
So God created light.
Why's my ass hurt?
Zip Zop Za Bebop! J-E-L-L-O

 

by mandingo
8-04-15
how's my portrait coming?
oh, pretty good, pretty good. say... i was checking your cell phone history today. who's Rob?

 

by mandingo
8-23-15
from now on, Mother, i'd like to only be referred to as... AMBASSADOR TO THE STARS!
you've been having me call you that since July, dear.
ah! but before i was referring to celebrities. now i'm referring to the heavenly bodies.
she still hasn't climbed off her wrecking ball and answered your couple hundred voicemails has she, dear?
i have the full force of the galactic council at my disposal now, Mother. she will.

Showing page 28.

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