All comics by Matchbook_Romance

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You know Lacey, I've been getting laid every night by hot women.
Really?
Yep, I'm so good that they call me the "Best In The West."
Ohh is that so?
Yep, so how about we go back to my apartment?
You may be the "Best In The West" but that's why I tend to stay on the East.

 

It's romantic isn't it my dear? An early dinner overlooking the sunset.
Yes very romantic but...
No buts my dear, I want you to know that I love you and I want you to move in with me.
But, but...
But what? But what?
I've got to tell my other boyfriend I'm moving out and moving in with you.

 

Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
I'm here from McDonalds. I come to pick up the package of your special beef additive for our burgers.
Right this way sir.

 

Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
I come down here to look for my sweet, sweet, Ariel.
Yeah about that, she told me to tell you that she turned lesbian.

 

Ohh man, that was so good last night.
Mmm, you said it Jerry.
It felt so good, looking up at you as your juices splattered all over my face.
Your shooting is amazing.
Golden showers are great!
Beats the hell out wasting water to take a real shower.

 

What's up with the mask?
It's a new spa treatment for my skin.
Do you think the treatment will get rid of your grotesque pimples, pus-spewing boils, and those itchy rashes?
I hope so, I'm in a Male Beauty Pageant tonight.

 

200 Kilometers Later...
Welcome to Schnauzer Hut. May I interest you in our house special?
No, but I'd like a container of your best KimChihuahua to go. Oh, and add...
And add?
And add some pickled beagle's feet. What do you have to drink?

 

The whole of San Diego is on fire. I'm so worried about my family and friends, but I'm pretty sure the fires will die down soon enough.
I'm sure they will and no one will have to evacuate but do you know the real reason how these fires started?
?
?
SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB!
SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB!

 

I've killed my best friend! That Korean food really did make me Kim Jong ill. Now what?
Well... I guess I'll be going then...
Wait! I created you! You can't kill meeee!
I guess you're right, but I better get going, my pants are in the dryer.
Okay, but we're still on for Friend's on Thursday night right?

 

Full speed back to our home planet!
Due to the fact that our forces couldn't control their hunger needs, we were not able to capture planet Earth.
Yes, yes I know that. But we did manage to obtain much of Earth's lucious food right?
But, we forgot one tiny little food dish on Earth...
OH NO! THE BALLPARK FRANKS!!!

 

Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
See Ed around?
Not since sensitivity traning.
And that's how it happened. By the way, my name is Kobe Bryant.
My name is Ed and LIKE, OH MY GOSH, your story is so inspiring!

 

MMM baby, I love it when you talk dirty to me!
I'M SO HOT!
YES YES, TELL ME MORE!
SOMETHING'S BURNING, OH OH OH OH!
Click...
That's the last time I smoke cigarettes during sex.

 

I hear Monica's again displaying traits of a borderline personality disorder. She's not blowing Bush, too, is she?
No, sir, it's far worse than that.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way...
After watching Friends, I wonder why I have this deep connection with the character Ross.
Maybe it has something to do with your past experiences?

 

HUZZAH! NO SCHOOL TILL MONDAY!
YES ALRIGHT!
Hey wait, don't you go to UCSD?
Oh shit, you're right.
Haha! don't you wish you went to a community college now?
No, not really. While you THINK and HOPE you're going to transfer into a University, I'll be in my third year almost finishing my degree, and finding an internship.

 

This was the coolest thing that ever happened.
Wow. You're a real live lesbian?! That's SOOO cool!
You are SOOO sad! Now where the white bitches be at?!
Here we be!
Here we be!
Cause you're there for me tooo...
I guess that's why I feel Ross sometimes.
Aren't you dating a stripper? How did you ever meet that fine piece-o-ass?

 

Work.
A Number 6 to go?
Hung out with my friends.
Have a great HALOween!
Came home.
Hey bro, got any candy?
I've got some Nutrageous.

 

So Halloween was pretty lame around here...
I've decided to stop focusing on meaningless holidays such as Halloween, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas and focus on the more meaningful holidays.
So my birthday is coming up...

 

Mmm yeah...
Ready to have some fun?
Heyyyy Jeff! Ashley and Rory are at the front door to see you!
NOT NOW! I'm "talking" to Jana on Yahoo!
What are you wearing right now?

 

My girlfriend just broke up with me Jeffrey.
I'm sorry to hear.
I don't know what went wrong!
Is there anything I can do for you?
GOD! Someone just throw me in a river so I can drown!
Err... there isn't a river around here, how about we go to my house? I have a knife you can slit your wrists with.

 

Me and Megan are having problems with our relationship.
Oh? That sucks...
It does, I don't know how to fix it.
Well, what seems to be the problem? Maybe I can be of assistance.
Well, Megan doesn't know we're in a relationship yet. To be honest, she doesn't even know who I am.
Talk to me later, I'm too ashamed to be your friend right now.

 

Choking on all my words before I say them to you.
Why do I always keep my feelings held in?
Damnit, I forgot the grocery list.

 

Hey Jeffrey, what's up?
Hey man, remember the time I helped you out when you were on fire?
OH SWEET JESUS! SAVE ME JEFFREY, SAVE ME!!!
Err... alright.
Yes I remember, and to this day I still owe you my life Jeffrey.
Think nothing of it my friend. It's a good thing you caught on fire right after I drank those five glasses of water.

 

6:00PM, work done, waiting for a friend to call.
Doot doot...
After an episode of The Simpsons, half an hour of playing Soul Calibur 2, and 15 minutes of watching Friends, I still receive no call.
Heihachi's weapon sucks.
Supposedly she called, whatever. Met up with some really good friends and hung out. She was there, but I was ignoring/mad at her. Came home and played more Soul Calibur 2 with my brother.
Heihachi's weapon still sucks.

 

So how was your day yesterday Jared?
It was one of the weirdest days I ever had in my life...
**MIST MACHINE**
Hello there sonny, can you help me with my groceries?
Sure ma'am, there's no other greater satisfaction in helping a senior citizen that's probably going to die within this year or so.
So what's so weird about that?
Well, when I was holding the groceries, an orange fell and she tripped on it. She fell flat on her face and a passing car ran her over. But that's really ok, I had Subway for lunch.

 

So yeah, Justin's taking chemo therapy. He says he got his head shaved, but it's really the treatment.
You think he's going to die?
I bet he is. So that's why I bought him, 3 small flashlights, a pornography magazine, one head of cabbage, three condoms (extra small), a small American flag, and 23 tacos from Taco Bell.
Why did you buy him all that?
Anything for the chemo kid.
Ahh.

 

Jolene, I know your secret.
Wait, what are you talking about?
I know about your porn that you made 3 years ago.
Oh gosh! How did you find out? I only did it because I needed the money to pay for the apartment. Please forgive me for not telling you!
I forgive you, but on one condition. We have to make a porn movie.
Done and done. Do you have a digital recorder by any chance?

 

So that's 1 Meaty Lover's Burger, 2 Grease Shakes and a stick of butter?
Yes, and...
And?
I think I'll have something with vegetables in it, you know, just to be healthy?
May I suggest our fresh, romaine lettuce salad with low-fat ranch dressing?
No thanks, instead I'll take a big bucket of french fries and don't be stingy on the salt, I have to get my sodium count in.

 

Stare.
Point gun.
Anal probe.

 

Dude, you suck. You're probably going to ruin the whole UMFUMDAILY thread.
I'm trying my best man, give me a break!
What's your problem? Can't think of any funny stuff?
Actually, I can. My internet is going really slow. I lag all the time.
Maybe you're running too many programs?
Actually, it's because I use dial-up.

 

A way Of life.
Punishment to those who do wrong.
*CLICK*
Jeffrey, what are you doing in the closet?
MOM! I was doing something important!

 

If you decide to break-up with me on a special occasion...
Annie, I'm so glad I can spend my 18th birthday with you. You're the only one I really want to share this occasion with.
Oh, that's nice. Let's talk about "us" for a second...
I'll most likely break your neck.

 

If you make my heart all tingly inside whenever I see you...
Oh, hey Jeffrey!
JOY OF ALL JOYS!!! RAPTURE!!!
I'm probably going to stare at you, stalk you everywhere you go, and install hidden cameras in your house just to get the feeling back.

 

If I ask you to dance at a social event and you say no...
So, do you want to dance?
No sorry, I left my dancing shoes at home.
I'm probably going to club you with a blunt object, set you on fire, and dance around your ashes as they hover over the sky.

 

If I tell you my name and you happen to forget upon another meeting...
Remember me?
I couldn't remember if my life depended on it.
I'm going to sneak in your room at night while you sleep, and tattoo my name on your forehead and probably your vagina as well.

 

If I happen to see you and your new boyfriend...
Good thing you dumped that sad little boy.
Yeah, I can't even remember his damn name.
I'm mostly likely going to buy or rent a cheap whore and flaunt her around you like she was my girlfriend to try and make you jealous.

 

If I'm waiting for your call for more than an hour...
Not this again.
I'm going to yank out my phone cord, find you, tie you up with the cord, and make you dial 1-800-IWAS-WAITINGFORYOURFUCKINGCALL

 

If you toyed with my emotions, and lead me on...
Sorry Jeffrey, I can only see you as a friend. I didn't mean to lead you on or anything.
Thanks for getting naked for me.
I'm going to blindfold you, lead you to the edge of a cliff, and push you right off.

 

If you slap me when I try and put a move on you...
Don't ever touch me again!
Oh baby!
I'll most likely try again, because I really, really, do love it when you slap me HARD.

 

If you make me watch tearjerking girly movies...
Time to watch City Of Angels!
I've seen this movie 19 times and I still love it!
You'll probably need to get out an extra box of tissues.

 

Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
You're Abe Lincoln's great grandson thrice removed? You can't possibly expect me to believe that!
And you can't expect me to believe that you're Paul Bunyon's grandfather.

 

My goodness, how did you do all that?
It was really easy actually.
After lifting that truck off me, you caught that incoming missle and threw it aside away from us.
Oh, that's nothing.
PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!!!
Don't thank him, thank the multiple doses of steroids I take everyday.

 

Since my dad left me and my mom 4 years ago, I've dealt with my problems by doing drugs. It was a last resort, but drugs really help me out.
Last year, my mom found out that I was doing drugs. She wasn't mad, and she told me that we all have our own ways of dealing with problems. We "bonded" and became more closer.
Rosie! I got some "GROCERIES" from the "GROCERY STORE!"
Now if you will excuse me, I have some "bonding" to do with my mom.

 
Alright Christian, since you rolled a snake eyes, you have to smoke the rest of this blunt.
God dammit, I hate this game.

 

Hello Mr. Mario!
Say kid, how long do you plan on staying here?
I don't know sir. I only started here a month ago.
I see. Well, don't get trapped here kid. I've worked here twelve years of my life and I can't get away. The pay is good and all but it's all a boring routine for me now.
So why don't you just leave and find another job?
Are you kidding me? Two words for you: FREE FOOD.

 

God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you
Alright, what is it?
My little brother broke his leg in a bike accident. Do you think you can get him a new one?
Who the heck do you think I am? Santa?

 

God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
What is the meaning of life?
Well, the meaning of life... the meaning of life is... Oh, look at the time! I'm meeting Satan for crumpets and tea. See you later and don't be stingy on the collection plate!

 

God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Do you want to go out on a date with me sometime?
Sure, if you don't mind going out with a guy that's over 2000 years old and has more holes than you.

 

Kindergarten, the first of my school life experience.
Let's see, what did I learn?
I learned that I couldn't cut within the lines, Godzilla toys can be used as a weapon, and pink shirts just weren't cool.

 

Let us skip my 1st grade and come to my 2nd grade year.
That year I moved into a more nicer area. I learned some good things that year actually.
I was multiplication table dyslexic, soccer wasn't my game, and recess was game time for teatherball.

 

3rd grade was pretty cool.
I'll never forget what I learned that year.
I learned that division wasn't so bad, kickball basketball was indeed a game, doing laps around a field sucked, and lunch meant freedom.

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