All comics by atomiclunch

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by atomiclunch
9-15-15
The end of another busy day fades into the beginning of another busy night for pee-finger.
S'up JC? You should try what I'm having. First I chug a Keystone, then follow it with a Bud Light Lime chaser. I call it "The Toominator"
No thanks, I'm sticking with Milwaukee's Best!
Mixing bad beers is pretty much never a very smart thing to do...
Shuit y'shelf, man, I have to pish - *urk!* *nnnnnnnggggghhh*
No good can come of this! - ed.
Ah'll Wear Blahk!

 

by atomiclunch
9-15-15
Ah em dah Toominatuh and ah wish to see RahndumCahmekLayoutGye. He is slated for tyurminashun. Is he heah, please?
Yeah sure, he's in the back room watering down the water that he tries to pass as "beer" here.
Affirmative. Now get owlt!
Fuck you, AhssHowuhle!
To be continued?
RahGooFourYoo, da tahget has bin tyurminated. What ahr mah orduhs?
Eeexxcellent, Pee-Tooms, next we'll pay a visit to that Beeko clown. The contests and their glory will be mine at last. HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

by atomiclunch
9-16-15
Whoa! I'd like to slide down her chimney! Yowza!
Ho Ho Ho!!
Da fuq you just call me? When I turn around, for your sake, you better be 30 feet tall and holding on to your damn niblets!
Time to bust a move, Blitzen!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Mission briefing
Wheah ah we heading?
We're going to find Beeko.
How ah you chooosing your tahgets, ser?
I must eliminate my powerful competition in the comic contests, so we're approaching it systematically.
Hoo ellse will be fessing tyurmination?
Lesee, there's evil_d, kaufman, brycekain, porternotes, edoggydog, choadwarrior, four_legged_tripod..

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Exkuse me, sihr bot yoo have missed one.
What do you mean?
Yoar kompetishun, yoo did not menchun UhTomickLunch
Atomiclunch?
HA HA HA HA HA!!!
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!, dude, you should be writing this shit! Seriously, though. We have to take down the actual competition.

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Let's Do this!
Ah em looking for beeko, he ees uh guhd friend uv mine. May I see him please?
You called?
Ahr yoo beeko?
I'm anyone you want, tall, dark and demonic.

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Identification negative. Yoo ahr not beeko.
How could you tell?
How COULD you tell?
Mah fahls indicate that beeko duz naht pozess daht rahck.

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
You're smart. I am beeko!
Ahr yew beeko?
I just said I was, asswad!
Identification verification: Shiiiiit, maaaaan. That honky muf' be messin' mah old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head, you know?
Huh? WTF?

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Identification Negative! Incorrect response and bad english accent indicate that you are Goddamn motherfucking Kevin The Almighty Costner.
What are you gonna do about it?
Yoo ahr irreluhvint. I seek beeko.
Costner la vista, baby!
Enough!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Welcome to the House of Beeko!
Wow! At least it's warm, here! Say, what IS that stuff you fire out of your coffee cup.
It iz uh vile red slime. Demon Coffee.
*ahem* Welcome to the House of Beeko!
Oh, I guess SOMEONE wants attention.
Affirmative.
Identification Check: Shiiiiit, maaaaan. That honky muf' be messin' mah old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head, you know?
What th... Hey home', I can dig it. Know ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you, man! ... Dammit!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Beeko. Yew ahr mahrked fohr tyurmination.
HA! I am invincible! I am BEEKO!
Prepayuh fohr
HEY!
Oh Shit!
This ends now!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Hoo ahh yoo?
I am Kaufman but that's not important right now. Here, pet the kitty and tell me who YOU are.
I will pet kaht. Fluffy. *nnnngggghhhhhh* *urrrkkk*
That's right.
Where the hell am I?
Right where I want you!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
What th'?
Soooo
We meet again, pee-finger.

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
Let the battle BEGIN!
You dirty? Lemme give you a golden shower!
Eat ultra-fine poop dust!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
BOOM! SPLASH! BOOM! SPLASH!

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
BOOM! SPLASH! BOOM! SPLASH!
Wow!
BOOM! SPLASH! BOOM! SPLASH!
Meh!
BOOM! SPLASH! BOOM! SPLASH!
*sigh*
It's been what, 6 hours now?

 

by atomiclunch
9-17-15
BOOM! SPLASH! SPLASH! BOOM!
Well, looks like they're evenly matched, guess this fight will be eternal. Want some pizza? I'm buying.
I'm in, can we get my favorite?
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Sure can, buddy. I'll order half-pirate, just the way you like it!
Sorry your plan didn't work out. Guess you're not gonna win any of the contests after all, eh?
SPLASH! SPLASH! BOOM! SPLASH!
It's okay. I'll come up with another plan some time.
That's the spirit! Let's eat! Hey, they have Zork!

 

by atomiclunch
9-18-15
The young man stepped into the hall of mirrors
Trans
Europe
Where he discovered a reflection of himself
Express!

 

by atomiclunch
9-19-15
EEEEEEEEEEEEE! I can't believe Danny Zuko is in my yard! ♫ I got chills, they're multiplyin'! ♫
Yo, I ain't Danny Zuko!
Please don't say that, i've had a bad day and I'm very fragile right now as is evidenced by that fake "Fonz" over there in the pool of blood. Who are you?
Uhhhh... mm...
EEEEEEEEEEEE!
I'm Vinnie Barbareeeeno!!     Off my case, toilet-face!

 

by atomiclunch
9-20-15
This is Earl, please deliver him to Bob's office on the 5th floor.
Despite his appearance, he's quite docile. However, do NOT mention the gum incident. Well, not unless you have a LOT of lube handy.
Huh. Interesting choice, Bob sure hates gum. He never shuts up about it.
RAAAAHHHRRR! EARL CORNHOLE YOU UNTIL EARL GET GUM!

 

by atomiclunch
9-20-15
Chen's First Sub Teaching Job
So, that's how the Illuminati, along with the lizard people, orchestrated the American Revolution.
Mr. Chen, I forgot my milk money, today.
No problem, Susie. Here's a nickel, bust yourself open.
Coffee Break.
Turns out milk is 75¢ now.
We're trying to raise money to buy the school some "N"s.

 

by atomiclunch
9-21-15
Mr. Spork, I need an honest answer. I've been hearing things and I need to know. My dandruff, is it noticeable?
Uhhh, no sir. It's not "noticeable".
Thank you, Mr. Spork. I'll be on my way, then.
Yes sir.
Thanks for covering for me. Wanna grab some Saurian brandy?
How can a toupee even DO that? . *shudder*

 

by atomiclunch
9-22-15
I'm sorry, son but I'm gonna have to cite you. One or two things, I can look the other way, but I can't ignore this.
WOO!
Now, that's 1 count of moonwalking while in gravity. 17 counts of grave-desecration for bringing the dead to life for a dance routine, that's a no-no 'round these parts.
WOO!
And 3 counts of disorderly WOOing. You're not a frat boy anymore, sir.
braaainns?

 

by atomiclunch
9-22-15
"Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain
You know, when I was a kid, all this was nothing but trees and farmland. Jimmy McGillicutty and I used to ride bikes up here and play "Jungle Warfare".
Wonder what ol' Jimmy is doing these days. Good times. Drinkin' root beer, smokin' cigarettes, lightin' off M-80s.
Matter of fact, we smoked a couple joints and set a punji trap right around here, I think. Long filled in, I imagine.

 

In Katni, India, 45 year-old Katori Barman was killed when the pothole he fell into while drunk was resurfaced by a road crew. A local resident spotted his arm sticking out of the road.
Game Day Light, please.
by atomiclunch, 9-23-15

 

by atomiclunch
9-23-15
See, Chen. This is exactly what I was concerned about.
Yes, you were right. This is more severe than I would have guessed. Still, the cost savings...
Mm-hm. So, what is your take on the situation?
I guess we'll have to have the - LOOK OUT, DRINK CART!
- inflight catering done by someone besides Taco Bell...

 

by atomiclunch
9-24-15
*slap*                OUCH!!            *thwop*
This may take a while.
Well, he HAD to have seen it coming.
             AY! AY! AY! AY! AY!
My goodness.
That'll stand you on your ear.
*boing*              *whimper*            *snarp*
After this long, Chen's gotta know, if you have a choice of bagels or mini muffins for one of Ralph's meetings.
Muffins, the answer is ALWAYS muffins.

 

by atomiclunch
9-25-15
'ere now, wots all this, then?
I'll be damned.
'e really was pinin' for the fjords.

 

by atomiclunch
9-26-15
Give it up, Dr. Phuqup. You don't stand a chance against us!
Bacon Smash!
Um, us. Me, Fratboy Junior, and my sidekick, Badass Bacon!
Bacon ANNIHILATE!
Well yes, technically he IS a hallucination.
Bacon incorporeal?

 

by atomiclunch
9-27-15
I used to dream about destruction
North
but now that I feel it getting near
Winds
I spend my time watching the ocean, and waves are all I want to hear
Blowing

 

by atomiclunch
9-29-15
Now, if'n yew want to rent it, ah'm gonna need first and last month's rent and a $500 see-curity deposit.
How about we forego the deposit and I give you a free anal probe once a month.
Extry one at Christmas?
Agreed.
Sounds like we got us a durn deal! Lemme just drop these overalls.

 

by atomiclunch
9-29-15
Yo doc, how'd it go in the delivery room?
Not bad. It's a boy and he's quite healthy.
And my wife?
Well, I had a total newb moment when the nurse mentioned cutting the cord and i heard wrong and cut your wife's carotid. Oops.
Can I see her?
After a bit, she'll color up more as she refills. Oh, and don't pull on any loose threads.

 

by atomiclunch
9-29-15
The moon was really red Sunday night, wasn't it?
Yes sweetie. My goodness the sun is turning -
*urk*
- black - again...
YES, AT LAST, LET US CAST AWAY OUR CHAINS AND LAY WASTE TO THIS WORLD! WE SHALL FEAST ON HUMAN FLESH, MOM!!
oh dear.

 

by atomiclunch
9-30-15
All Hallow's Eve a time of witches, creatures, ghosts, goblins and uh...
Shaq, aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?
Can't help it. Halloween brings out the kid in me.
Well, it brings out something else, too. You mind covering that up? It's scaring the kids.
How's this?
Disturbing. The glowing nose is impressive, tho.

 

by atomiclunch
9-30-15
Mike, get in here!
What is it now, Kevin?
Have you LOOKED in the fridge? Where'd all the bacon come from?
I put it there, problem?
It's not kosher, dipshit!

 

by atomiclunch
10-01-15
Chen checks his look in the mirror before his big date with Phreaky
Lookin' sharp!
My eyes are up here, slick.

 

by atomiclunch
10-01-15
Nice day at Farmer Johnson's Place.
Looks like I'm next.
Who are you?
I am you from tomorrow! I've come to warn you about that line you're in! It's NOT for a free massage! We were SO wrong to believe! I'm calling in an airstrike!
Figures, just when my turn was coming up.

 

by atomiclunch
10-02-15
Our guest today is Ann Coulter. Ms. Coulter, some people feel that society's glorification of violence as a means to an end is a contributing factor
in a large number of societal ills faced by this country. What do you think we can do to fix this?
I'm on it!
Great question. First, we round up the people who glorify violence. Then we kill them, set fire to their corpses, compress the ashes into a pellet and fire the pellet into the sun. Sloooowly.

 

by atomiclunch
10-02-15
Yo! High-five! Don't leave me hangin' bro!
I'm comin'!
YEAH!

 

by atomiclunch
10-03-15
Chen's date with Phreaky
I'm an investment banker. I do alright. How about you, Phreaky. What do you do?
Heh, the real question is, What DON'T I do?
Well, maybe we can discuss this a little furth...
HEY! What IS your problem?!
Then she said "my boobs are down here, slick".
Well, on the bright side, you have enough punches on your card for free stitches!

 

by atomiclunch
10-04-15
I'm ready to get my colon cleared, dear. What? Oh, not this again! Open your eyes, sweetie.
No, grandma.
You need to face the facts, love.
What facts?
You are gazing upon your future. THIS is what awaits. There is no avoiding it.
Note to self: Start dating potential murderers when I hit 40.

 

by atomiclunch
10-05-15
So I told him, "it's been a week with no action, dammit!"
Here you are, sir. It's been in the tree, through the storm but it's OK.
"It's hungry and dripping wet!"
It's hungry and dripping wet!
"Feed this pussy!"
Feed this pussy!

 

by atomiclunch
10-05-15
The office of Dr. Krane E.L. Reduct-Chin, Therapist
Dr. I'll just come right out with it. I'm oversexed. A total slut. I can't get enough! Anytime, anyplace, anyONE. I can't stay in a relationship 'cos I'm so damn easy!
Relax, Susan. This is not a place of judgement. What you're experiencing is quite normal. I've seen it many times, and it is easily remedied!
Really? I'll totally blow you if you can fix me up.
Now, this treatment is a bit unorthodox but it will help with your needs and . BONUS. It will actually pay for itself! Just step through the door and my associate will get you started!
The office of "Doc" Douchebag Slim
Remember, Doc and I are here for you. Now go earn your therapy money! Don't forget your rubbers!
Hey everybody! Come get some! Yay! I can feel the healing starting already!

 

by atomiclunch
10-06-15
Lindsey Graham explains asking for disaster aid after voting against it for New Jersey
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? What if that money helped the coloreds? I have to LIVE here, y'know.
NJ responds
We're voting for aid. We don't wish further harm on the ones that have already lost so much.
The aid package will be hand-delivered to Mr. Graham by our very own governor.
CHRISTIE SMASH!

 

by atomiclunch
10-07-15
The job is done.
Excellent work, now my plan can move forward.
Have you wired my payment.
You must be mistaken. I don't do business with lowlife assassins. Sucks to be you.
"No problem, furball. Have fun explaining the Sponge and Starfish salad sandwiches in your lunchbox to the nice officer."
You got some 'splainin' to do.
I can explain.

 

by atomiclunch
10-08-15
Chen, you go through shirts and ties at an alarming rate, you know that? Though I know I'm going to regret this; what happened?
Well, I stopped by the hospital on the way in, to visit with Phreaky for a minute...
I hope your friend is happy with her new... Double-Fs. It's been nice talking to you.
Thanks. You too. Would it be inappropriate of me to say that you are totally rockin' that wimple?
Very...
. . .

 

by atomiclunch
10-09-15
Northern Arizona University, Flagstaff. 10/9/2015 @ High Noon
Dude! It's 1:20 in the morning, it's NOT noon.
But we are SO frickin' high!
Wanna fight?
Them's fightin' words!

 

by atomiclunch
10-10-15
OOG-EE!!
Like, groovy!
Skipperrrrrrr!!

 

by atomiclunch
10-10-15
Finally, I have to piss like a racehorse! Say, what's that in the toi-
AAAAAAAHHH!!!
TY-D-BOL MAN!!
NOPENOPENOPE!

 

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I'm in lifelike 3-D.
Reach in and get me, ladies!
by atomiclunch, 10-11-15

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