All comics by boorite

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by boorite
4-12-01
It's TV producer Yadahentai Mobukakke!
Mr. Boorite, I am here to buy the rights to your gameshow idea, "Super Robot Manrape Endurance Torture Rally."
Sheez, I'm so hosed on Old Crow and Benadryl, I'll sign anything.
One condition: You are first contestant.
Hmmm, let me think abou--
RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by boorite
4-12-01
REFERENCE DESK
Mr. Librarian, I can't find any books for my Master's thesis on educational technology.
And you're too stupid to see the irony. OK, just click where it says "library catalog"--
Whoa, you mean I use this remote control?
It's a mouse, you fuckwit.
You're not very user-friendly.
Take that back or I'll bury this phone in your head.

 

by boorite
4-12-01
These comics are about as funny as having an elephant tap dance on your nuts.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Ow ow ow ow ow
Anything for a laugh!

 

by boorite
4-12-01
Chef Helmut, what do you think of this Pinot Noir?
Hmmm... swirl, swirl...
Bit of venison and mercaptan in the bouquet, with a hint of resin and a leathery finish.
In layman's terms?
Smells of arse.

 

by boorite
4-13-01
Wow, check out the enormity of Tobor's hydraulic schlong.
My dear Captain Obvious, you mean the "immensity" of Tobor's nuclear wedding tackle. "Enormity" denotes monstrous wickedness.
You sure have a way of aggravating seven shades of shit out of everyone, Dr. Pedantic.
Clearly. But you mean "irritating." To aggravate is to make worse. Say, what is that cacophonous clanking?
Uh-oh.
RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by boorite
4-13-01
Because they talk like that in real life, Gabe.
You are bidding on a vintage Hello Kitty douchebag.
HMMM!!!!!!!! That sounds vaguely interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mint condition, low reserve, hardly used.
What the heck?????????? It's only a few bucks!!!!!!!!! I'll check my Visa balance just to be on the safe side!!!!!!!!!!!
Honey, is this the latest statement??????!!!!!!!!!
I'm not 100%%%%%%%% sure. But aren't you supposed to be writing your C++++++++++++++++ program!!!!!!!!!!!?????

 

by boorite
4-13-01
Looks like I'm the last black person left in Colorado.
You're about it.
The ironic thing is that "Colorado" means "colored."
Say, why don't you bust a move or a rhyme or something?
Why don't I bust a 2-by-4 across your flabby jowls?
Black culture is so violent.

 

by boorite
4-17-01
After an arduous day of giving nickel handjobs, I am ever so ready for a rest.
Arduous. Ever so ready.
Where my nickels at, bitch-ass punk?

 

by boorite
4-20-01
Worst things to say on your wedding night
Why does it get limp every time I mention your mother?
You don't need a new watch, dear. There's a clock on the oven!
Yay, I've got a husband! No more diets, no more exercise, no more blowjobs!
When you scream during sex, your voice sounds like Lucille Ball's: WAAAHHHHH!
Great news, honey! I'm not really pregnant!
Aw, sweetie, what have you got against a little cyber-sex? Your mother likes it this way!

 

by boorite
4-20-01
Worst things to say on your wedding night, pt. 2
Surprise! I brought along someone to spice up our honeymoon!
Taste the whip, bitch!
So did I!
RAAAARR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by boorite
4-20-01
America's worst wedding nights, hosted by Bob Saget
Look out the window, dear! A parade!
Where? I don't see anything...
Keeeep looooking...
Ready, set...

 

by boorite
4-21-01
Lowpassers fix up Tobor with the Sodomizer 5000
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP
Raaar?
Um...
It seems we're both "tops."
Damn.

 

by boorite
4-23-01
We're all out of material, kids. How about a Public Service Announcement?
This one comes from The DragonXero Foundation. Here to tell you about it is someone we all know and love.
LEGALIZE MANRAPE!!!!

 

by boorite
4-25-01
RAAAR! TABOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Actually, it's "Tobor"-- "robot" backwards. It is a reference to an old B-movie serial called Captain Video.
"Tabor" backwards is "robat," which makes no sense and is not funny at all.
TOBOR IS GOING TO ENJOY THIS!
Ulp.

 

by boorite
4-26-01
Tobor's career is starting to look like Gilbert Gottfried's.
You gotta come up with a new tagline.
Processing request. *whhrrrrr* *grind*
That's it. Dig deep...
...all your base are belong to us...?
moh!

 

by boorite
5-03-01
Time for your lab practical. What's the interstice between cells filled with?
Toothpaste? Brylcreem? Tofu?
Nope. Interstitial fluid. Now, what's this a slide of?
Confetti? Nut hairs? Nougat? Bat vomit?
Maybe you should major in American Studies.
I've got it: It's a granita latte!

 

by boorite
5-03-01
Time for your lab practical. What's the interstice between cells filled with?
Toothpaste? Brylcreem? Tofu?
Nope. Interstitial fluid. Now, what's this a slide of?
Confetti? Nut hairs? Nougat? Bat vomit?
Maybe you should major in American Studies.
I've got it: It's a granita latte!

 

by boorite
5-04-01
Late 1979, New York: The scene was jumping at CBGB's.
Gabba gabba hey!
They dance this mess arooouuund... hey what's that?
Wirthling is a bumdrummer
AAAIIIEE! It's the Second British Invasion!
LOIK THE WOY OY PLAY ME AXE, LUV?
And so followed a legion of British weenie synth bands
OY'LL SHTOP VUH WUHLD AN' MELT WIF YOOO
His teeth are so... exotic! I'm smitten!

 

by boorite
5-04-01
Late 1979, New York: The scene was jumping at CBGB's.
Gabba gabba hey!
They dance this mess arooouuund... hey what's that?
Wirthling is a bumdrummer
AAAIIIEE! It's the Second British Invasion!
LOIK THE WOY OY PLAY ME AXE, LUV?
And so followed a legion of British weenie synth bands
OY'LL SHTOP VUH WUHLD AN' MELT WIF YOOO
His teeth are so... exotic! I'm smitten!

 

by boorite
5-07-01
I am the old Jesus. Believe in me or twist in searing agony forever.
I'm the new Jesus. I think you should all be kind to each other. Have a nice day!
I am the old God. I will smite the crap out of you if I feel like it.
I am the new God. I am love! Go into the light, Carol Anne.
RAAAAR! OLD TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
NEW TOBOR WILL SHOW YOU HIS STAMP COLLECTION.

 

by boorite
5-07-01
I am the old Jesus. Believe in me or twist in searing agony forever.
I'm the new Jesus. I think you should all be kind to each other. Have a nice day!
I am the old God. I will smite the crap out of you if I feel like it.
I am the new God. I am love! Go into the light, Carol Anne.
RAAAAR! OLD TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
NEW TOBOR WILL SHOW YOU HIS STAMP COLLECTION.

 

by boorite
5-08-01
RAAAAR! PIZZA DELIVERY HU-MAN! FEAR TOBOR!
Why?
TOBOR WILL PICK OFF THE PEPPERONIS WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING! TOBOR WILL CONSUME THEM!
Dude! Lame!
NO TIP FOR YOU! RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL STIFF YOU!
Rar. Pizza delivery boy will jerk off in the pizza dough.

 

by boorite
5-08-01
RAAAAR! PIZZA DELIVERY HU-MAN! FEAR TOBOR!
Why?
TOBOR WILL PICK OFF THE PEPPERONIS WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING! TOBOR WILL CONSUME THEM!
Dude! Lame!
NO TIP FOR YOU! RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL STIFF YOU!
Rar. Pizza delivery boy will jerk off in the pizza dough.

 

by boorite
5-11-01
What're ya doin', lass?
Practicin' for the new Michael Flatley sensation, "CandlePrance," ya senile droolin' old goat.
Say, does "ass fuckin'" count as a reference to sodomy or donkey rape?
Both. And it has a "U."

 

by boorite
5-11-01
What're ya doin', lass?
Practicin' for the new Michael Flatley sensation, "CandlePrance," ya senile droolin' old goat.
Say, does "ass fuckin'" count as a reference to sodomy or donkey rape?
Both. And it has a "U."

 

by boorite
5-11-01
TOBOR WILL START NEW CAREER.
TOBOR WILL JOIN XFL!
TOBOR WILL STITCH "CORNHOLINATOR" ON COOL XFL JERSEY.
I hate to break this to you, Tobor...

 

by boorite
5-11-01
TOBOR WILL START NEW CAREER.
TOBOR WILL JOIN XFL!
TOBOR WILL STITCH "CORNHOLINATOR" ON COOL XFL JERSEY.
I hate to break this to you, Tobor...

 

by boorite
5-11-01
YOU HAVE TAKEN XFL. YOU HAVE SHATTERED TOBOR'S DREAM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL TOBOR NOW.
I can't kill you. you're a robot. You were never alive.
QUERY: IS IT POSSIBLE TO CORNHOLE DEATH ITSELF?
No.

 

by boorite
5-11-01
YOU HAVE TAKEN XFL. YOU HAVE SHATTERED TOBOR'S DREAM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL TOBOR NOW.
I can't kill you. you're a robot. You were never alive.
QUERY: IS IT POSSIBLE TO CORNHOLE DEATH ITSELF?
No.

 

by boorite
5-30-01
WD-40 is not a lubricant, but a "water displacer." That is what "WD" stands for.
Who gives a flying Philadelphia fuck?
It is suitable for cleaning parts BEFORE lubricating them.
You suck.
Yes, I did my dissertation on "Vacuum aspiration of fleshy protruberances."
I'm going back to the Jesus strips.

 

by boorite
5-30-01
RIIIIING
RIIIIING
RIIIIING
Will somebody PLEASE get that?

 

by boorite
5-30-01
OK, how about this one: "The King of Peace."
That could work for you.
I mean, you sure don't look like the King of Whoopass.

 

by boorite
5-30-01
What the hell is THIS supposed to be?
Take a guess.
I give up.
It's the Blue Screen of Death.

 

by boorite
5-31-01
Hi, honey.
Where have you been? You said you would be home at 694267200.
I, uh... Oh alright! I'm having an affair!
rm -rf *

 

by boorite
5-31-01
What have you done for me lately, Senator Jesse Helms?
Very righteous bills, Lord.
Such as?
The one supporting the Boy Scouts of America's stance against homosexuals.
I don't get it. The Boy Scouts without queers?
We know it sounds crazy, Lord.

 

by boorite
5-31-01
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.
*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP*
My child, it shall be difficult to imbue the sermon with solemnity if you keep up that hilarious farting.
I shall endeavor to squelch it, Lord. With faith, all things are possible.
Very well. Blessed are the poor--
*squchk*

 

by boorite
5-31-01
Dr. Pedantic, what is the deal with ObiJo, Wirthling, and Gabe?
Theirs is a sadomasochistic relationship with profound homosexual undercurrents.
But aren't they just kidding?
The irony is itself ironic-- a postmodern "hall of mirrors" technique that hints at underlying truth without exposing the writer's vulnerability.
So they want to hose each other, the sick twats!
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

 

by boorite
6-05-01
How high is the water, Papa?
The hives are gone, I've lost my bees
Us chickens are up in the willow trees
And I've got manboobs down to my knees!
Probably caused by high estrogen levels in the storm runoff. The estrogen comes from the urine of women on birth control pills.
Oh well. At least we'll have a great cotton crop next year.
Plus I can tittyfuck you!

 

by boorite
6-06-01
Alan, congratulations on your great season.
I just want to say I love my teammates and especially Coach. We're practically queer for each other.
But I really owe the Eastern Conference championship to my lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.
Bullshit! I had money on the Knicks!

 

by boorite
6-06-01
In the wake of all those Lakers sweeps, JC takes in some cooking shows
We're gonna kick it up a notch!
BAM!
I made this Viking helmet out of pumpkin rinds.
And that's a good thing!
IRON CHEF!
Whatever the hell they're saying!

 

by boorite
6-06-01
Keep your eye on the MVP
Hi, Allen!
Hi, Eric! Ready to play Game 5 with the Lakers?
Game 5 with...? Oh, I get it! Hahaha, good one, Eric.
Wait, wasn't I Allen?
Shit, I can't tell.
Damn Lowpass!

 

by boorite
6-06-01
The Lowpass bench proves not very deep...
I guess I can be Iverson and/or Snow and/or Kobe.
And I can be the big white guy who nobody remembers his name.
For some reason, I have been cast as Mutombo.
And I'm Rick "FOX." What a stupid pun. OK, who gets to be Shaq?
How about me? I've got the height.
Special appearance by Sodomy Donkey in a cameo role: Marv Albert! YEEEEESSSS!

 

by boorite
6-07-01
What kind of idiot smokes cigarettes? Don't they know it gives you cancer and heart disease? Plus, think of all the better uses they could put that money to-- not to mention the land!
Plus it pollutes the air! What kind of moron knowingly consumes an unhealthy, annoying, wasteful product for FUN?
May I take your order, please?
Bacon double-cheeseburger. Make it snappy-- my SUV is double-parked.

 

by boorite
6-07-01
WRONG
I say, old bean! I am certainly hammered on this Lafitte du Rothschild '78! Let's go fuck a horse!
Sorry, chum. Last time, the filly behooved me right in the codpiece, causing me to perform an impromptu aria.
WRONG
I say, old bean! I seem to have gaffed whilst rigging the gaff! Do you suppose your bilge pipe could accomodate a horse's penis?
I like Shakespeare.
You get the idea.
We're talking to YOU, Gabe.

 

by boorite
6-07-01
OK, little squirrel. You can join our posse. But be advised we are huntin' down one dangerous donkey-fucker.
Marshall Wirthling, would you be interested in a squirrel fucker?
Naw, we got a machine fer that.
A machine for wh--?
Uh-oh.

 

by boorite
6-08-01
Muuuuuhhhhhhngh
There you are, you naughty corpse. Back in your coffin with you, and this time I'm using framing nails!
But I have this Undead License.
Why didn't you say so? Let's see it.
You may already have won a million-- HEY!

 

by boorite
6-11-01
The question is: "How did your folks introduce you to sex?"
They didn't! My girlfriend did.
Really? How novel!
Yeah, she came down to the living room in a nightie, and we started doing it on the floor, and then we went up to her room.
And the parents?
Parents had no part in it. In fact, we waited 'til her folks were GONE.

 

by boorite
6-11-01
The question is: "How did your folks introduce you to sex?"
They didn't! My girlfriend did.
Really? How novel!
Yeah, she came down to the living room in a nightie, and we started doing it on the floor, and then we went up to her room.
And the parents?
Parents had no part in it, except we waited 'til her folks were GONE.

 

by boorite
6-11-01
Son, we just want to make sure you use birth control.
Yes, we realize a lot of couples don't wait until they're married.
Ha! They'd be the first.
Oh, Pete!
Well, now I know something I NEVER wondered.

 

by boorite
6-11-01
You were right, Dr. Pedantic. Gabe makes an excellent antenna!
Yes, at 184MHz, he provides +3dB of gain if he stays out of the direct TX-RX path... HEY, keep that left arm up, you knobgobbler!

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