All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
11-12-01
Hmm! I must consider this problem and think of a solution. I have a sophisticated computer brain! Surely I can think of a solution!
My program has been altered so that I want to be cornholed. I have no anus, and one cannot be installed. Therefore... that is... so... er...
Gods, this thinking stuff sucks.

 

by fuzzyman
11-12-01
I simply cannot think of a solution to my dilemna. If I don't do something soon, I'll short circuit! I need some advice. But from whom?
I know! Who better to ask for advice than the man who runs the U.S.A!
Later...
Vice-President Cheney?
Shhh. Down here.

 

by fuzzyman
11-12-01
Washington, D.C...
Vice-President Cheney? What are you doing hiding down there in the sewer?
Working behind the scenes. Pulling the strings. Running the country. Same old stuff.
Goodness gracious, couldn't you do that above ground?
I'm afraid not. Whenever I'm seen in public it just reinforces the perception that I'm really running things and that President Bush is a moron.
But... President Bush IS a--
Shhhh!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
11-12-01
Okay, Laura, you've rubbed the Fixodent on my prostate. What happens next?
Whatever form you take in fifteen seconds will be your permanent form. 15... 14... 13... 11... 10... 9...
WHAT? What if I'm a squirrel? Or THIS thing? Then what?
Relax, Jim! I detected a pattern in your shapeshifting. You'll be in exactly the form I want you in. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Hey!! What the..?
Yessss!

 

by fuzzyman
11-13-01
Well, Tobor, I've applied my incredible intellect to your problem.
Yes, Vice-President Cheney?
And after LONG and HARD consideration, many hours of DEEP thought, PENETRATING the depths of this issue, the basic THRUST of my suggestion is...
Yes... Yes... YES????!!!!
...nothing. I haven't a freaking clue how to help you.
You are cruel and unusual, DICK Cheney.

 

by fuzzyman
11-13-01
And so... Tobor wanders in search of an answer, becoming more delirious with every step. Across the parched deserts of the Southwest he trudges...
*sob* *whimper*
...through the fruited plains of the Midwest...
*groan* *ugh*
...into the frozen tundra of the North!
Luke... go to the Dagobah system!!!
*whimper* Huh?

 

by fuzzyman
11-13-01
The frozen tundra of the North...
I said, "Look, go to Dagobah Systems."
Who are you? Where did you come from?
I'm just a simple figment of your firmware. I'm an emergency subroutine that is activated when you're in danger of shutting down.
So I'm supposed to go to Dagobah Systems for repair? Where is that?
Death 2Valley, of course.
*sigh* Couldn't you have told me this when I was in the parched deserts of the Southwest?

 

by fuzzyman
11-13-01
The frozen tundra of the North...
I said, "Look, go to Dagobah Systems."
Who are you? Where did you come from?
I'm just a simple figment of your firmware. I'm an emergency subroutine that is activated when you're in danger of shutting down.
So I'm supposed to go to Dagobah Systems for repair? Where is that?
Death Valley, of course.
*sigh* Couldn't you have told me this when I was in the parched deserts of the Southwest?

 

by fuzzyman
11-13-01
Hello! Allow me to introduce myself!
Please do!
I am Jaques Valdez, the evil half-brother of Juan Valdez.
Your half-brother Juan brings us rich Colombian coffee! What do you do that makes you so evil, Jaques?
Starbucks.
(((shudder)))

 

by fuzzyman
11-14-01
Dagobah Systems, Death Valley
Why yes, I remember you! We built your robot body... Richard Gere was our client, if I remember.
Yes, Doctor Ruprecht... excuse me... hard to concentrate... Richard Gere had me built to cornhole him.
Well, that explains why he wanted you to have a giant telescoping phallus. That was quite the challenge, let me tell you!
Please... a virus... has inverted... my programming... You must... counteract virus... or... I... will... deactivate!!
You seem pretty far gone! What have you been doing? Wasting time looking for an artificial anus?
...please...

 

by fuzzyman
11-14-01
Please... fix... my.. programming... Don't... have... much time....
Well, you're in luck! I have another patient with a very similar problem! I think you might be able to help each other.
Another... patient...? Who...?
Wait right here!
You!
RRAAAAARR!!!! MOTTOB WOULD CORNHOLE YOU NOW... IF MOTTOB HAD A PENIS!!!

 

by fuzzyman
11-14-01
My evil fraternal twin!! Your personality... has been... interverted...!
YES! MOTTOB DESIRES TO CORNHOLE, BUT IS EQUIPPED WITH A VIBRO-ANUS, NOT A TELESCOPING MEMBER.
Doctor Ruprecht... says that.... we can help... each other.
BY REINFECTING EACH OTHER WITH THE VIRUS, WE CAN INVERT OUR INVERTED PERSONALITIES! WE WILL BE US!
Couldn't we just swap parts?
*SIGH* LET'S JUST GET THIS OVERWITH...

 

by fuzzyman
11-14-01
SQUEAK SQUEAK
squeak squeak
SQUEAK SQUEAK
Hang on... I'll get us some "Personal Lubricant."
Excuse me, Doctor? Would you have any WD-40?

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
When I was a child, my mother would read to me every night.
Goo! Pwease tell me my fav'wite stowwy again, Mommy!!!
Of course, dear! All around the Mulberry bush...
I always fantasized about being in those stories.
...The monkey chased the weasel...
...The monkey thought 'twas all in fun...
Years later, those fantasies came true...
Hi, cutie. My name is Mullberry! Can I buy you a drink?
Pop! goes the weasel!

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
RRAAAR! ONCE TOBOR WAS HIMSELF AGAIN, HE ACTUALLY ENJOYED THAT!
Agreed! That was magnificent! You have a marvelous member!
YES, BUT YOU HAVE AN AMAZING ANUS!!
Oh, but you have a prodigious penetrator!
YES, BUT YOU HAVE A SWEET SPHINCTER!
Enough already!

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
Well! Too bad we can't do that again. We risk re-re-infecting each other with the personality inversion virus.
YES. TOO BAD!! WELL, TOBOR MUST BE GOING NOW!
What? Don't you want to know why I was sent to destroy you?
NOT PARTICULARLY.
You don't want revenge on the person who did this to us?
TOBOR WAS JUST WANTS TO GET BACK TO CORNHOLING FLESHLINGS.

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
Well! Too bad we can't do that again. We risk re-re-infecting each other with the personality inversion virus.
YES. TOO BAD!! WELL, TOBOR MUST BE GOING NOW!
What? Don't you want to know why I was sent to destroy you?
NOT PARTICULARLY.
You don't want revenge on the person who did this to us?
TOBOR JUST WANTS TO GET BACK TO CORNHOLING FLESHLINGS.

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
But, Tobor! Surely you want to exact some revenge!
TOBOR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT REVENGE! TOBOR CARES ABOUT CORNHOLING!
But... they're right around the corner! Surely you have a few moments!
RRAAARRR! TOBOR HAS NO INTEREST IN THIS! GOODBYE!!
Meanwhile, at the Death Valley hideaway of Richard Gere...
Where are they? They should be here by now!
Maybe they got held up, Mr. Gere!

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
And so... Mottob got a job in a New York bordello.
Repeat after me... Sucky, Sucky.
Sucky, I say! Sucky!
Richard Gere didn't get to play the villain...
Well, I guess they aren't coming. Come on, squirrel, let's make our own fun!
Right BEHIND you, boss! Ha ha!
As for Tobor... He lived happily ever after.
WOW! THAT ARTIFICIAL ANUS FELT GREAT AROUND MY MEMBER!
Hee hee! Let's do it again!

 

by fuzzyman
11-16-01
Why did Richard Gere send Mottob to destroy Tobor?
I had Tobor built to cornhole me. After he left, I decided that if I couldn't have him, nobody could!
Aww, boss! A guy of such deep, abiding passion!
Where did Mottob come from? Why does Tobor have a fraternal twin?
I was built as an anal counterpart to Tobor. Mr. Gere likes variety, you know!
You said it brother! I hear he's bringing in a platypus next week!
How many Tobors does it take to screw in a lightbub?
TOBOR CANNOT FIT INSIDE A LIGHTBULB...
...but it sure sounds kinky!

 

by fuzzyman
11-18-01
Jaques Valdez, the evil twin of Juan Valdez, spreads his gospel of evil.
Hello! I am Jaques Valdez! Please take a moment to drink my French Roast Coffee!
Sure.. BLEAH!!! This stuff takes like crap! What did you do, burn it? Ugh... ! Blech!
Ah, just let it float on your pallette! Let it tingle on your taste buds!
I don't think I have any taste buds LEFT!
Ah, now you can truly appreciate Starbucks!
I have no taste!

 

by fuzzyman
11-21-01
Frank the Mechanic here to explain the rivalry between the British and Australians. The British, you see, call their Opels "Vauxhalls," where the Australians call them "Holdens."
Other than that, they are the same. They talk with funny accents and use the letter "s" instead of "z" in words like "civilization." Oh, and they'll also spell the word "color" with a "u." Very odd.
The only real rivalry between them is who can create the more disgusting food, like this haggis. In the end, however, the Brits and Aussies are bound together by their mutual hatred of Canadians.

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
GABE...?
No, Tobor!
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TOBOR IS GOING TO ASK YOU!
Dammit, Tobor! My ass hasn't even healed yet from the last time!
TOBOR JUST WANTS YOU TO TAKE HIM CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
I SAID... ummm... oh, okay... Let me get my keys.

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
The Meadowbrook Mall...
Okay, Tobor. I'll meet you in front of J. C. Penney in two hours. Do you need anything else?
NO, TOBOR IS VERY ORGANIZED. HAS LIST AND EVERYTHING. FIRST PERSON ON LIST IS LADYJ.
LadyJ, huh? She's a tough one to shop for!
MUST FIND SOMETHING SPECIAL AND CLASSY FOR A SPECIAL AND CLASSY LADY.
Hmmm. Tough call. Spencer Gift?
SPENCER GIFT!

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
OKAY, TOBOR GOT LADYJ NICE JAR OF HORNY GOAT WEED. WHO'S NEXT?
Hello, sir! Thank you for wandering into our store!
OH, SORRY. MIND DRIFTED. WHAT STORE IS THIS?
This, sir, is the newest World 'o Whips franchise!
HMMM. TOBOR WAS GOING TO GET SPANKLING A NICE HICKORY FARMS SAUSAGE, BUT THIS IS MUCH BETTER!!!
If you spend over $100, you get a free pair of leather chaps!

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
Welcome to Sam Ash Music! How can I help you?
LOOKING FOR A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT FOR MY FRIEND DRAGONXERO.
I see. What type of music does he like? Pop? Classical? Jazz?
HMMM. TOBOR THINKS IT IS SOMETHING CALLED "HEAVY METAL."
Ah, right this way to our selection of fine tubas!
OH, WAIT. NEVER MIND. TOBOR ALREADY BOUGHT DRAGONXERO COMPLETE BOX SET OF BARRY MANILOW RECORDINGS.

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
Welcome to Waldenbooks! How may I help you?
HELLO. TOBOR PLACED AN ORDER FOR A BOOK. IT'S A GIFT FOR TOBOR'S FRIEND ANDY DOUGAN.
Hmmm. Let me see.... Ah! "The Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch." Is that it?
NO. MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
Oh, I'm sorry... Here it is. "Overcoming Bed Wetting: A Beginners Guide."
THAT'S THE ONE!

 

by fuzzyman
11-23-01
The food court at the Meadowbrook Mall...
OOOOooooo....
Tobor! Are you okay? I've been looking all over for you!
UUUUGH... TOBOR ATE TOO MANY CINNABONS...
My god! There must be thirty empty Cinnabon boxes here! You ate all those?
CURSE THE MAN WHO MADE TOBOR'S EYES BIGGER THAN HIS STOMACH!!!
Follow me... maybe they can vacuum you out at the Oreck store...

 

by fuzzyman
11-24-01
THANK YOU, GABE! THAT VACUUM PUMPED TOBOR'S STOMACH OUT GOOD!
Glad to be of service. Did you have anything else to buy?
YES. TOBOR STILL NEEDS TO NEEDS TO BUY MORE GIFTS. NEXT GIFT IS FOR WIRTHLING. VERY CONVENIENT!
Convenient? Why?
WELL, WE *ARE* IN A VACUUM STORE!
But Wirthling *already* sucks...

 

by fuzzyman
11-24-01
OKAY, TOBOR GOT CRABBY THE "ADRIAN ZMED VIDEO BOX SET" AND FUZZYMAN THE REMINGTON BACK HAIR TRIMMER.
GOT WIRTHLING A BODY AND ALISON SOME SELF-ESTEEM. WHO'S LEFT? OH... YES...
TOBOR NEEDS SOME ROTOR TURBINES FOR HIS COWBOY FRIENDS.
Right this way!

 

by fuzzyman
11-24-01
GABE, YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS MALL NOW.
Had enough of shopping, eh?
JUST GET TOBOR AWAY FROM LECHTERS!!
The kitchen store? What...?
SO MANY TOASTERS... SO MANY POSSIBILITIES!!!
I don't want to know...

 

by fuzzyman
11-25-01
AH, MUCH BETTER!! SHOPPING ON THE INTERNET IS MUCH EASIER THAN GOING TO THE MALL!!
Welcome to Amazon.com! Please select your items!
HMMM... LET'S SEE...
Item selected: "Data Mining Your Cat: Builing Your Own USB To Feline Brain Interface."
SHOPPING FOR KAUFMAN IS SO EASY!!
Session timed out. Please start over.

 

by fuzzyman
11-25-01
HELLO? CREDIT CARD CUSTOMER SERVICE? TOBOR IS HAVING A PROBLEM!!
Yes, Mr. Tobor. We've noticed an unusual amount of activity on your card today. To verify your identity, please tell us your mother's maiden name.
UMMM... TOBOR DOESN'T KNOW!!!
I'm sorry, sir. Unless we can confirm your identity, we can't reactivate your card.
TOBOR'S MOTHER WAS A REFRIGERATOR AND HIS FATHER WAS A MINING DRILL!!
Close enough. Mother's name: Frigidaire, father's name: Stanley.

 

by fuzzyman
11-25-01
AT LAST, GABE!! TOBOR IS FINALLY DONE SHOPPING!!
Are you sure? You haven't forgoten anyone, have you?
TOBOR DOESN'T THINK SO...
*ahem*
OH... BEND OVER, GABE... I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT NOW IF YOU WANT.
Never mind... sorry I asked.

 

by fuzzyman
11-26-01
65,000,000 B.C: Major Disaster
Dammit, Roy! I just hate mating with our females! They’re so ugly… I don’t care if we become extinct! And yet… I’m still horny as a mammal!
I have the solution, Phil! Let me demonstrate a new medical practice I’ve invented called “Cornhology” Just lift your tail…
1961 A.D: Major Birth Control
I’m sorry, John… We have to use the Femidom female condom. I can’t risk becoming pregnant while you’re the President.
Those things just don’t feel natural, Jackie. Let’s try something that Maril---err… Lyndon calls “Cornhology.”
1972 A.D: Major Tom
Bleaaaurggh! I’ll talk with you in a minute, Mick… I’m busy talking to God on the porcelain telephone. Bluuuuucchhh!!
You know, David… while you’re prone over that toilet I’d like to try out this “Cornhology” thing you’ve been telling me about...

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
Oh, Amber, my love! You made it! I was afraid you didn't get my message.
Milo, I can't stay... if my parents knew I was here...
Never mind them! Run away with me! We can be happy together!
Milo, my darling... it will never work. Let me explain...
But... Hey! Stop that! You're melting off Mr. Happy!
You see, Milo? Tab A doesn't fit into Slot B.

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
Jesus, my son... There is so much sex, violence and general evilness in the world....
Yes, I know...
I cannot let it continue! Go forth with wrath and lay waste to all that you see!
Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe we could just flood them again. Whatever happend to kindness and mercy?
Fuck kindness and mercy. Now start destroying stuff, or someone won't get their allowance!
Awww, Dad!

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
...and that's the weather! In other news today, Jesus returned to Earth, and boy does he have a mad on! Here's Buffy Buffet with a report!
What the...?
Thanks, Jim! Jesus Christ rampaged across North America today, laying waste to everything in his path! Millions were killed or injured.
Oh, shit!
Jerry Falwell was heard to say, "This is the fault of the homosexuals and atheists," as Jesus impaled him on a giant, fiery dildo.
Spankling! Get your white ass in here! I have a job for you!

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
So Satan wants me to find Jesus and convince him not to destroy the Earth. My only problem is... how do I find Jesus?
Hey, man.... Spare some change?
Oh my!
Okay, finding Jesus isn't a problem, then.
Hey, Spanks! What's news? Oh yeah, I'm destroying the Earth! Hahahaha!

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
So Satan doesn't want Earth destroyed, eh? Sorry, I take my orders from the Big Guy.
I know, I know. There must be some way I can change your mind!
Not likely. I have a date with Mary Magdeline next week. If I don't destroy the Earth, the Old Man will cut me off.
Yeah, well, if I don't change your mind, my boss will cut me off, too, if you catch my meaning.
Oh man, I was just talking about my allowance. You mean he'd...?
Why you you think I keep my hand in my pants?

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
Okay, I'll make a deal with you.
Thanks, man... I appreciate it.
Don't get all happy yet. Find me me a human... innocent and incorruptable. I shall appear to them in tempting forms!
Goodness, why?
If I succeed in turning them from the path of virtue... the Earth shall be laid waste!
Man, for pure evil, you could give Satan a run for his money! Don't tell him I said that.

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
Hi there, cutie! Want to have sex?
Ahm jes' a poor, meek Cajun boy who's got no interest in sex wit' the likes o' you.
Hi there, cutie! Want to have sex?
Ahm jes' a poor, meek Cajun boy who's got no interest in sex wit' the likes o' you.
HI THERE CUTIE! WANT TO HAVE SEX?
If only they knew my secret fantasy of sodomozing Jesus Christ.

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
Well, Spankling, you win. No matter what form I appear in, that kid wouldn't budge.
I know how to pick 'em! So you won't destroy the Earth?
No, I'm a deity of my word. I just have to convince God not to finish the job I started.
Isn't your word as good as his? I mean, with that whole trinity thing, when you say something isn't it also him saying it?
Damned if I know. I was never good at all that Bible crap.
Really! Satan made us read it cover to cover. But then, we are in Hell!

 

by fuzzyman
11-27-01
You promised WHAT? No allowance for you!
Now, Dad, you really can't be mad at me because if I say something it's really you and the Holy Sprit saying it too, so...
Nice job, Spankling! For doing such good work, you'll get an extra beating tonight!
Oh, goodie!!
Oh, hell, who am I kidding? Jesus will never appear to me! I might as well screw this squirrel.
I thought you'd never ask!

 

by fuzzyman
11-29-01
Sirens ring... are you listenin'?
In the lane.. fallout's glistenin'!
A horrible sight...
We're deformed tonight!
Walkin' in a Nuclear Wasteland!

 

by fuzzyman
11-29-01
Gone away is the bluebird...
There's all dead... all the bluebirds!
Society's gone!
I'm wearing a thong!
Walkin' in a Nuclear Wasteland!

 

by fuzzyman
11-29-01
In the rubble we can build an ash-man...
...and pretend that he is Jimmy Dean!
He'll say, "Got some sausage?"
We'll say, "No, man..."
"...but I hear that my friend here's very lean!"

 

by fuzzyman
11-29-01
Later on, we'll perspire...
...in the heat of the fire!
And drink Atom-ade...
..beneath atom-shade!
...Walkin' in a Nuclear Wasteland!

 

by fuzzyman
11-30-01
Okay, try again...
*ahem* HO! HO! HO! SANTA WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW! RRAAARR!
hmmm.
hmmm.
Nah, No matter how you say it, Mrs. Claus isn't going to go for the anal thing.
Dammit!

 

by fuzzyman
11-30-01
Hi there! Want to play reindeer games?
Hmmmm. Let me think about that.
Well...?
No. Get the hell away from me you freak of nature.

Showing page 3.

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