All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
11-06-03
...but admit you like MacGyver just because you have the hots for Richard Dean Anderson.
Oh don't be silly! It teaches me many useful things!
Riiiiight. Like what?
Well, just last week I learned how to make nitroglycerine.
I'm going to start a letter-writing campaign to get that show pulled.
Excuse me, I have a grenade launcher to build.

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
"triumphant!"..................."a masterpiece!"
There's a lot of swelling music in the background, especially during an emotional scene. This is to get you to be emotionally connected with the movie, regardless of how bad the plot is.
Same as "triumphant" but it goes on for three or more hours.
"bold!"....................................."daring!"
Like "triumphant" only with a harder musical score. Probably also has Russell Crowe or Mel Gibson as the lead.
See "bold."
"a must-see!"........................."best romantic ..................................................comedy of the ....................................................season!"
They went way over budget and are desperately trying to make up for their lack of foresight by falsely generating good buzz to get bigger sales.
Don't waste your money.

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
Ah luv Wal-Mart. Since ah am barefoot an' pregnant in th' kitchen, ah need a place where ah can afford stuff. Me an' mah 20 kids luv Wal-Mart!
Iwantavideogame! Iwantavideogame!
Metoo! Metoo! Metoo! Metoo! Metoo! Metoo!
Sugar... sugar... must... have... sugar!
Oooooo!
Goddamn kids! I just sorted those shelves! Star cashier ain't worth this crap!

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
...so apparently I made my 100th comic strip and never noticed.
Too bad. Which one was it?
The Truth Revealed. About why I like CSI.
Wait...that wasn't a comic strip. That was a conversation we had.
Someone took the blue pill instead, I see.
Excuse me, I have some paranoid fantasies to live out.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-03
Myth #1 - Ivy sways in time to music because she has soul.
The heat is off in the apartment. I'm trying to keep warm.
Then turn the heat up you penny-pinching bitch!
Myth #2 - Ivy talks to her cats because she has no friends.
I have friends. I just prefer the cats.
That's why we love you. Purrr.
Myth #3 - Ivy is a maniacal megalomaniac bent on world domination.
No, that one is true.
Verily.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-03
What in tarnation happened to you?
I god adover dose bleed.
Wow. That really sucks.
Sobdibes I really hade dis arid clibate.
If I didn't know any better I'd say you were snorting coke.
Cob closer ad fid oud.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-03
If the arid climate makes your nose bleed so much, maybe you should get a humidifier.
Doh. Hubididy bakes by skind break oud.
You know, the long-term consequences might be even worse than a little acne.
Condsekendses shmondsekendses, by skind hasnd'd lookd dis good sinds I vads ind middle skool.
I'm trying to think of something else to ask you so I can laugh at how funny you sound.
Bere's by gof club?

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-03
I think Barry is torturing the guppies. He keeps chasing them around.
Sheesh. He's 10 times their size. Why did you put them in the same tank?
The guppies were originally in a bowl. I wanted them to breed so I could feed the babies to Barry, but I got sick of cleaning the water every couple of days.
...
What?
You are SO going to hell!

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-03
You're sick. Why are you torturing those fish anyway?
I wanted to feed brine shrimp to Barry, but this town is devoid of them.
...
Dude! I watch Jurassic Park SPECIFICALLY to see people get eaten by dinosaurs!
I'm praying that YOU never breed.
Wasn't planning to. I'm going to be a teacher.

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-03
While shopping at the dollar store yesterday, I came across a rather lovely tupperware set...
Oh! My! God! WHERE did you FIND that!!?
Um...in housewares...
Noticing her expensive handbag, I figured she had stumbled into the wrong store...
Oh! My! God! Is THAT really a DOLLAR!!!?
Yeeees...
In the end I decided I didn't care and would have to kill her. I must remember to go back to the Dollar Store for more trash bags...
Oh! My! God! No WAY!!
Patience...wearing...thin!

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-03
While at SatanMart--I mean WalMart yesterday, I had the chance to observe the indigenous population...
WOOOOOOO!!!! *CRASH!*
It was a fascinating experience and taught me some valuable lessons...
UW ROCKS!!!! YEAH!!! WOOOO!!! *CRASH!*
I really hate game days in this town...
DUDE!! WATCH OUT FOR THE--*CRASH*
I wonder if this would be considered justifiable homicide?

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-03
WHAM! CLANG! CRASH! OOF! THUD!
Oh dear god...please don't let that be what I think it is...
KER-SPLUNK! POW! THUD! MEEEEOOOW! KER-ASH!
If you are a merciful god, please please let it be weapons of mass destruction or something!
I think this arrangement of furniture is much more efficient than the old one.
ARGH! Not again!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-03
Well, I seem to be done for now. I rearranged the religion library. First shelf is now religious texts while the second is more philosophy and info books. The top shelf (of the same bookshelf)...
is plant, law, and history books. The former fluorescent mineral shelf will now be home to the newly expanded "fine" literature shelf. The paperback shelves are now textbook and textbook-style books.
The two newly-emptied CD shelves are now mineral shelves. The corner shelf will remain as it was before, but I might move things around a bit so the language textbooks are with the other textbooks.
I'll probably make the top be more a display shelf for cool geology texts (i.e. not textbooks) like journals, the German geology publications, etc. The pagan/magic shelf will remain as it is...
As soon as I get a new bookshelf, the paperbacks will go in the bedoom next to the bed where I can be seduced into spending all day snuggled under covers while reading books.
So if you never see me again, it's because I couldn't resist the seduction.

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-03
It was early afternoon. I had a hankering for Dollar Store fun. So I wandered on in and was lucky enough to observe this priceless conversation...
The price tag says these pens are 2 for $1.
Yes, they are.
The customer seemed confused. The clerk valiantly tried to help him...
But this is the Dollar Store. Everything is supposed to be $1.
Well, those are 2 for $1.
Fortunately, the clerk came up with a brilliant solution...
I can't buy these. They contradict the entire paradigm of this place!
How about you give me $1 for each pen. The paradigm holds and I get a tip.

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-03
Damnit Ivy! This is getting ridiculous! Change me!
Okay. But don't bitch at me if you don't like it.
Aw crap...I forgot to specify...
Mwah ha ha haaa!
I'm not sure this is any better.
Think of it like this: I like cats better than people and am more apt to snuggle a cat.

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-03
...and then he let me go on my way as long as I promised not to bomb anything.
On another, less creepy note, how many strips have you done?
About 116 I think.
Damn. You must've made a lot in tips then.
Excuse me. I need to retrieve something...
It was SO worth it!

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-03
Sigh. The psycho ex-neighbor moved out only to be replaced by a neighbor with a psycho brother that has a restraining order against him.
What happened?
Stupid asshole beat the front door so I had to repair it. Got a puncture wound on my mouse hand for my trouble.
Sheesh.
Good news is the neighbors I met through this ordeal (i.e. the nice ones) are REALLY hot and have hot friends.
So we won't be moving I take it?

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
Yo! Atheist!
Yeeeeees?
I made you a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. Peace offering.
Why thank you, Ivy. *slurp*
Nothing like making orange juice in a radioactive juicer and serving it in a radioactive glass...mwah ha ha haaa!

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
Have you seen my potassium ferrocyanide?
What's it look like?
Red granules. Kinda like decorative sugar.
Uhoh...
You put it on the cookies for the church bake sale, didn't you?
You're the one that put it in the baking cupboard!

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
Okay, you got your wish. All my chemical supplies are in a separate cupboard from the baking supplies!
Was that so hard? Now you won't have to look everywhere for the stuff you need.
Yeah, but now it's easier for enemy agents to find out my capabilities.
You're way too paranoid.
Well at least I can read a label well enough to tell the difference between decorative sugar and potassium ferrocyanide.
Yeah, but it doesn't work when you SWITCH THE LABELS!

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
You've been standing there for hours. What gives?
You do not see me.
...
Go on your way. I was never here.
Despite what you believe, I can see you.
Damn! Blood kin must be resistant to my Jedivy mind probes!

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
You are under my control. I command your every move!
Sigh. Not again.
All your Doritoes are belong to me!
If you don't cut it out, I'll confiscate your Stargate DVDs.
ARGH!
Too easy.

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
Dun dun! Dun dun!
Why do I sense impending doom?
OOOOGA BOOOGA!!
AAAIIIEEE!!!!
Heh heh. That'll teach the punk to mess with the Jedivy master!
Just you wait...

 

by ivytheplant
11-11-03
The Jedivy Master sneaks up on her unsuspecting prey...
System: Engage.
ARGH!
Eeeexcellent!
The Jedivy Master crawls back to her lair and vows to win the day!
"Narfboy: You were right. It worked." "PummelLad: Awesome dude!"

 

by ivytheplant
11-12-03
"Get bigger and longer fast!"
Oh yeah baby!
"become bigger and longer, safely and naturally"
Do me baby! Harder baby!
"Interest Rates just fell again!"
Goddamnit! Not again!

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-03
I used to work for AOL tech support. It was the worst job I ever had. Naturally, it left me with much StripCreator fodder. Pretend this is in a call center.
Welcome to AOL customer support, my name is Ivy, how may I help you?
Um...yeah...my AOL CD isn't working. It just makes funny noises.
On our computers is a list of questions we have to ask, in order, depending on the problem.
Sir, could you check and make sure your CD is insterted properly? The label needs to be facing up.
Oh. Facing UP you say?
I used to skip over questions I thought weren't needed cause after all, people aren't THAT stupid. Then I lost all faith in humanity.
Yes sir.
I didn't want to scratch the shiny side. Are you sure it will be okay?

 

by ivytheplant
11-13-03
I also worked tech support for Time Warner Cable. Interestingly enough, I live in Wyoming. So it wasn't easy to give a damn about New Yorkers...
...all I'm sayin' is the freaking cable needs to be fixed!
...sir...yes sir...I understand but...we can't...sir...
Eventually I concluded calls by giving the Time Warner customers some advice...
...dis thing never works! You fucking cable is worthless!
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND GET SATELLITE YOU FUCKING MORON!!
And that's how I ceased working there.
Ivy, that's the third time this week. I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
Aw fuck...

 

by ivytheplant
11-14-03
Sometimes I discover people don't know what certain computer terms mean. This is a real pain in the ass, especially with the simpler terms...
Okay, ma'am, now you need to defrag your computer.
What's a defrag?
But I do my best to describe what the term means so the customer will understand it better...
Basically it means your computer needs to be cleaned to fix any problems that may be occurring.
Oh, okay.
But there are times when my description doesn't help. To Be Continued...
Now ma'am--
Thanks! *click*

 

by ivytheplant
11-14-03
Fortunately, I have customer records on file, so in the event of a disconnect, I am able to recontact the person. It's frowned upon, but I liked giving an extra special touch...
I'm sorry ma'am, we seem to have been disconnected.
Oh, I actually hung up. I went to defrag *giggle* my computer.
Customers really appreciate it. Especially because they won't have to describe the problem over again...
Oh, okay. Well, if you would like me to walk through the process with you, I would be more than happy to.
That's nice of you. I just started the dishwasher--
Yet this occasionally backfires on me...
Um...the dishwasher?
Yeah. I tell you it wasn't easy fitting the computer in there! But at least now it will be nice and clean...I mean...DEFRAGGED!

 

by ivytheplant
11-17-03
So I had this mineralogy lab to do. 14 trays of minerals (50 each tray) that had to be described, identified, and tested with at least 5 tests that didn't include the standard scratch, hardness, etc.
It was at least a 24 hour-long lab. That's hours worked, not "wait 24 hours before eating solid food."
Unfortunately, I also had a final exam to study for. I didn't have enough time to do both, so my professor granted me an incomplete with the promise I would finish my lab during January term.
So I did. I paid extra for an earlier flight back, spent a week working on that verdamnt thing (turns out 24 hours was a conservative estimate), and triumphantly turned it in.
A month later I discovered that my professor doesn't count labs in calculating final grades. All that work (and money) and it doesn't fucking count!!
I'm getting my golf club...

 

by ivytheplant
11-17-03
Yo! Atheist! Get your butt over here I need to--
...speak...with...you...
Don't say it.
I'm going to go laugh my ass off in the kitchen now.
I'll get you for this Ellen Muth!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
Um...Ivy...
Yeeeees?
Why do your records say you were born February 22, 1793?
Excuse me, I need to retrieve something...
This would explain her hatred of garlic and sunlight, love of raw steak, uneasiness around churches, and why doctors haven't been able to find her pulse in years...
Where the hell is that neuralyzer?

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
The Finest Travel Rates For Airfare
...
The Newest Voyage Savings
Are you trying to tell me something?
Crucial Reasons To Purchase Life Insurance
Where's my gun?

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
When mild-mannered barfly Tyler accidentally drank some toxic brew while checking his email, he found himself endowed with Super Spam Powers!
Enjoy sex often bmikoohkkegbi5278
Huh?
Now he goes from bar to bar, spreading his message of Dieting, Penis Enlargement, and Low Insurance Rates!
Freaky Sex All The Timesmfohmxoftnbsjad 2608008365
Are you coming on to me?
Keep up the good fight, SpamBoy. There is much work to be done!
Cram and Jam Day and Nightddyghbmcbiomcco 40656
I think I'll walk over here. Don't follow me.

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
Most inclusive coverage in the business
Take THAT you brain-sucking spambie!
Begone Alien Spammer!
The greatest extensive vehicle warranty you can invest in
Erase The Cellulite No Charge Sample
Cellulite THIS you sick spampire!

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
Long thought to be a mere legend, Frank has at last made himself known to the world. He is...The Spamolin Monk!
Gain Length And Mass Fast
Ooo! A safe and all-natural solution! Thank you Spamolin Monk!
Wholesale prices on inkjet_cartridges and laser toners
Hrm...I could use more ink cartridges...
Fwd: Re: FREE PPV from your Digital _Cable Box u
Stealing cable huh? Gonna have to write you up, Spamolin Monk or no.

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
The battle between the noble Autospams and the treacherous Despamicons rages on...
Tools for Raising Catholic Kids
Drop the Weight While You Sleep No Charge Sample
ADV: Great source for finding public speakers
Attract Them Today ccfrngxwbz10051515
Blow Them Away q phrrd67
WINNING NOTIFICATION / FINAL NOTICE

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
Introducing......................................... Superspam!.........................Batspam!
Ê Someone likes you and we'll tell you who it is!
Be Feared In the q eqm rpahhe 874187 wtyszt egnitmwlh wminve 23381
Aquaspam............................................. ................................................Hawkspam!
Barbie for the Holidays
Get rid of wrinkles with no injections
The Martian Spamhunter!.............................. ............................................Wonder Spaman!
Look Sexier Overnight ovqnhfgffpneyg4206 3 556
Bah...they have all the cool names.

 

by ivytheplant
11-18-03
Rush Hour 3 Starring Jackie Spam!
Bed- room zhafojjl hwsn sho ggijd 843375 txdey
You can look and feel years younger. f pkzayjx htr
Universal Soldier 16 starring Jean-Claude Van Spam!
Mail you love to hate
Achieve a fuller, firmer bust without risky surgery
The Stargate SG-1 Movie starring Richard Dean Spamderson!
guys & gals get size icaciswyjofrssocddjo5237
I can't believe I agreed to this.

 

by ivytheplant
11-19-03
Hrm...I don't think we have stamp ink.
Yes you do. There's a whole isle behind me.
Hrm...green ink you say?
Sigh. Yes.
To Be Continued...
Hrm...I don't think we don't carry green stamp ink.
Yes you do. You carry every color on the planet. Even metallics. And there's an empty spot where the green is supposed to be.

 

by ivytheplant
11-19-03
Let me see if we have green stamp ink.
Homicideisafelony homicideisafelony homicideisafelony...
No, we don't carry anything like green stamp ink.
Hrm...okay.
To Be Continued...
We don't carry green ink.
ARGH!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-19-03
Why do you need green ink anyway?
Because the stamp I want to use...the stamp I'm HOLDING is an ivy vine.
What about that ink pad? It has green in it.
It's rainbow ink.
To Be Continued...
Have you thought of gold ink? We have gold.
ARGH!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-19-03
Why don't you try black?
It's an IVY VINE!! Why would I use black?
It matches those stickers you have.
Those are BAT stickers! They have NOTHING to do with the IVY VINE stamp!!!
Why Me?
Are you sure you don't want black?
ARGH!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-03
Mom
Be Skinny Overnight efbrihavbo3485
Improvement is Guaranteed urstnopusz52611
Dad
Call Home!
Fw: Credit declined, application
Grandma
You Can Have That Special Someone qfoyehkyqgml55516
Ivytheplant, horny singles in your area DyLodF1vlH Wlp36B4TpROYQPegrP

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-03
Become A Criminal Justice Professional!
But I like being a geologist...
Date Real Horny Women In Your Area! bomurzpz
I prefer the fake kind.
STOP SUFFERING IN SILENCE * jfjquxcyzs
Get outta my head!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-03
Work Part Time Hours! Get FULL TIME INCOME!
Turn 25 cents into $200 a week, as many times as you like, e a
I TOLD you! I want to be a rock star!
Work full-time while earning your degree
Our Decision Case-caonwdbupfjspf 410212
NOOOOOOO!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-03
I'm just here to see the castle.
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis&Çekoslovakyalilastiramadiklarimizdanmisiniz
Sweet.

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-03
Atheist! Come on out!
No! I want to be alone! Go away!
Awww. If it will make you feel better I'll call my mafia uncle who still owes me a favor and Dyan will be disappeared by morning.
*sniff!* Really?
Totally.
Awww. You're the best!

 

by ivytheplant
11-21-03
Hey Ivy, what's the weather like outside?
SNOW!!!!!!!!!!
Uh oh...
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!
No one else on the planet loves snow as much as Ivy does.
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-21-03
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!
Why is Ivy so excited? You guys get snow all the time.
She grew up in the south. Snow was only a legend so it always excites her. Either that or she's a lunatic.
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!
Ow.
SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
So...how much longer is she going to do this?
She should wear herself out by bedtime.

Showing page 3.

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