All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
10-22-03
What can I get you, sir?
Let's see... how bout a large fry, medium shake, and a caraffe of OE.
Um...
I'd also like to king-size my penis.
Um...
Um on your own time, motherfucker! The hooker's rifling through my glovebox as we speak!

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
I hit two homeruns today!
I hit eleven-teen!
There is no eleven-teen.
Maybe not for you!
But I take Flintstones THG!

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
Nowness is about not having preferences. When you don't have preferences, you don't have expectations, and so you accept and experience whatever is in the current moment.
*POOF*
ACK! *lighter click*
Nowness is about not having preferences. When you don't have preferences, you don't have expectations, and so you accept and experience whatever is in the current moment.

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
*sigh* Someone at school today told me I looked like the unholy offspring of Strong Bad and Homestar Runner.
Hmm... let me ask you something then.
How do you type with boxing gloves on, crap for brains?
*thunk*
GAH!

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
How much crap do you think gets thrown in here daily?
3.623 megatonnes. But don't tell Ed.

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
So then he says, "Oops... Sorry about that. Whenever I start drinking I forget who got what in the divorce."
What crap!

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
Melt into your surroundings.
Then disrobe and flog it.

 

by ObiJo
10-24-03
Nice day today.
Sure is.
Some caste system we have going here.
Yup.

 

by ObiJo
10-25-03
Mr. Clonazepam! You gotta help me, my building's on fire!
Quick! My mom and sister are trapped inside!
Mr. Clonazepam?

 

by ObiJo
10-25-03
I have detention with Dolores, that bitch.
I'd like to cut her open and watch her twitch.
Hey, you just rhymed!
That's never happened before - must be a glitch.

 

by ObiJo
10-25-03
Kind of gives new meaning to the song "How much is that doggie in the window?"
I'm in the mood for some Korean food now. Think I've got time?
But the nearest Korean restaurant is 200 kilometers away...
As I'm sure you can smell.

 

by ObiJo
10-26-03
I need to be more emotionally involved.
Do you even know how?
I think it has something to do with relaxed immersion into my environment.
And how do you do that?
I don't know. Trying to immediately takes me out of my environment. It's like a vicious loop.
This sounds like a job for Clonazepam Man!

 

by ObiJo
10-27-03
Sure is chilly.
Quack.
Some oligarchy we have going here.
Quack.

 

by ObiJo
10-28-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
Seen Ed around?
Not since sensitivity training.

 

by ObiJo
10-29-03
I wish I could gather the world and suckle them on my pain
And watch them drop one by one, unable to sustain
To see the looks of horror that the taste does bitterly give
And catch the befuddlement as they wonder how I yet can live
But then I think that this won't do, for my pain is solely mine
So onward I endure it, watching the clock kill time.

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
Seen Ed around?
Not since sensitivity training.
What up, monochrome.
Oh, Ed. Have we learned nothing?

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Morris!
Theresa!
How is it up here?
It's great! I'll show you around!
Wow! Look at all this food! _________________ I know! It's all we could ever want!
*sigh*

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
I'm suicidal. If I wasn't such a fucking coward, I'd slice my wrists open and watch them flow and flow and flow.
Hmm...
With that intro, I'll have to pull one hell of a hail mary to make this comic funny. Better get started...
Talking Monkey!!

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
From now on, all my comics are going to be about killing myself.
Now some of you might think that's comedic suicide.
You'd be the ones paying attention.

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Hey, obi, I hear you're going to kill yourself.
Is that park bench talking to me?
Because I'm just here to tell you, sunny jim, suicide is NOT the answer.
Man, I'm worse off than I thought when conjoined timber shoves its way into my Wernicke's area.
Talking Monkey!!
Order Restored!!

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
obijo! I caught you just in time! Whatever you do, don't kill yourself.
I'd like to add one proviso.

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Are you going to set me on fire?
Signs point to yes.
Then I think you should kill yourself.
Too big a coward.
I'll do it.
Sorry, sister. You gave up any chance to brutally torture and murderlize me a long long time ago.

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
obijo not kill self!
he too big coward!
we kill him for pocket change!
our own!
i have 3 cent!
on our way!

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
o/` Some say we'll all be rewarded when we reach the end
and all our lives will be recorded and replayed again.
But one day it hit me
this ain't a movie.
Now, I'm living in the moment with... o/`
DIE FUCKER!!!!! *chop chop*

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Mason Jennings saved me from the A-Team. He also taught me a valuable lesson. Since I'm too big a coward for suicide, maybe instead I can just stop caring.
*POOF*
It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything.
Who the fuck was that??
Don't ask me.

 

by ObiJo
11-03-03
Moooooooom!
There's a monster in my closet!
Oh, don't be silly, here, I'll show you...
Evening ma'am. I'm afraid that I am indeed a monster. What's more, in order to power our fine city, I'm going to be fucking you till you queef out "Danny Boy".
To bed, boy! Momma's got company!

 

by ObiJo
11-04-03
I am not who you think I am.
Who do I think you are?
Why, a snowman of course.
Ha!
Snowmen don't talk, ya tit!

 

by ObiJo
11-04-03
I once killed a man using only a crayola marker.
What color?
Yellow.
Wow.

 

by ObiJo
11-04-03
Does anyone here remember that song about pink donkeys? The lyrics went "Pink donkey, pink donkey, oh man, you're such a pink donkey."
And the beat was all "Boopy boop boop boopy boop boop BAHHHHH."
Anyone?

 

by ObiJo
11-04-03
Aliens to port, Number One!
Joe, for the last time - you're not Jean Luc Picard, you're a midget. And this isn't the Enterprise, it's my parents' basement. You just hit that joint a little hard, buddy, that's all.
Nonsense, Number One! The aliens obviously have you under their mind control! Now inhale this fire stick that Dr. Crusher concocted to bring you back to your old self!
Aliens to port, Number One!
Shields up!

 

by ObiJo
11-18-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Will I go to hell if I distract someone so that Satan can sneak up behind them and pull a monster wedgie?
Well it depends. You see, there's a fine line betw... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

 

by ObiJo
11-18-03
Mom and dad won't let me do ANYTHING! I wish I was old enough to move out!
I remember when I was a kid I felt the same way. But one day my pop sat me down and said, "Son, don't be in such a rush to grow up. Because once you get old, you'll discover that
What is it, grampa?
Billy! What are you doing here?

 

by ObiJo
11-19-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Is reality dependent upon perception or is that just a self-centered view we purport to keep from accepting that reality is independent of species human?
REALITY?? Yikes kid, hasn't anyone told you? This isn't reality - it's a holodeck scenario programmed in by ensign Michael Jackson.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!

 

by ObiJo
11-26-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
And what would you like for Christmas?
To go back in time and keep my son and daughter away from belt sanders and matches.

 

by ObiJo
11-26-03
Am I a racist if I have an intense desire to stomp your little monkey ass into the ground?
Hey! Monkey!
I'm talking to you!

 

by ObiJo
11-26-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the Rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope he can't get into the stables this time...
Yes. Yes! YESSS!! My deer cannon is complete!! Bow before me, SINNERS! BOW BEFORE THE CLAUSE!

 

by ObiJo
11-27-03
The Firs facing off with the Pines was the precipitating event of the North Pole War, which ultimately culminated with an elf holocaust and deer jerky.

 

by ObiJo
11-28-03
This is some spaceship.
Some spaceship alright. Yes, siree.
I've seen a lot of spaceships in my days, but this, my friend, takes the cake.
Oh you.

 

by ObiJo
11-28-03
You kids today - always thinking about yourself.
I'm not thinking about me, I'm thinking about what it's like to be me. I'm thinking of this game I play with myself called self-awareness.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means I'm thinking about space and time and experiencing my place in it. I'm thinking of the relationship you and mom have, you and I have, mom and I have.
Are you on the pot?
I'm thinking maybe I've said too much. I'm thinking that maybe I should go to my room. I'm thinking I could really go for some tacos.

 

by ObiJo
11-28-03
You're all a bunch of fucking tits! All of you! Even that one guy who never thinks I'm talking about him! He's the biggest tit of all!
Hate to be that guy.

 

by ObiJo
11-29-03
I'm here for the elf position.
But you're not an elf.
I'm here for the elf position and I have horns.
Hired!

 

by ObiJo
12-01-03
Nice sidewalk you have here.
I thought it was yours.
It's not yours?
No.
GOD it sucks.
Actually, it is mine. And you have revealed your true self.

 

by ObiJo
12-02-03
How'd your date with Julie go?
Okay. She's pretty and all, but not quite as bright as a bag of rocks.
Who cares! I bet she'll be great in the sack!
She was.
You got her to put out already?? How?
Promised her a coloring book.

 

by ObiJo
12-02-03
Compressor
*BLOW*
Test Section
Call... the... po... lice.
Diffuser
*SUCK*

 

by ObiJo
12-04-03
Selfish people drive me crazy.
I'm sure your god would agree with you, you putz.
What?
You close-minded types drive me crazy.
If I'm close-minded for expressing my dislike of selfish people, aren't you close-minded for expressing your dislike of me?
That would be true if we didn't factor in that my dislike reflects the universal ethical system.

 

by ObiJo
12-04-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
o/` Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul, With a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. o/`
PORTER!

 

by ObiJo
12-04-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
o/` There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, For when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around! o/`
Cole Porter's dead body! PEEING ON IT!

 

by ObiJo
12-04-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
o/` Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go. o/`
Yes, yes. We've all seen the video evidence.

 

by ObiJo
12-05-03
Ho Ho Ho!
You're not Santa Claus!
I'm Cigasanta.
Cigasanta?
Instead of gathering up toys and giving them to children, I gather up children and give them to Michael Jackson.

Showing page 30.

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