All comics by ObiJo

Profile

 

by ObiJo
12-05-03
Hey, Maura. Fancy humping into you here.
You mean "bumping" into me here?
RAPING RAPING RAPING RAPING
RAPED RAPED RAPED RAPED
Actually, I did mean "bumping". I just have this thing where I HATE being corrected. Weird, huh?
I'll say.

 

by ObiJo
12-06-03
KNOCK KNOCK
Yes?
I heard that you were feeling ill; headache, fever, and a chill
I came to help restore your pluck; cause I'm the nurse who likes to...

 

by ObiJo
12-06-03
=(
=)
=(
=)
BANG!!!
=)
=(

 

by ObiJo
12-08-03
Heya, Funky Monky!
Well if it isn't Monky Brewster!
Sir Monkenstein!
The Monkmaster!

 

by ObiJo
12-08-03
Watch this. *ring a ring ring*
*RING A RING RING*
*RING A RING RING* WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU SALIVATING??
You're a little heavy-handed with the cumin.

 

by ObiJo
12-08-03
Remember that one time I folded you in half and jammed you down the garbage chute?
Remember? I just got out of traction!
And that time I downed a fifth and thought you were Jesus Christ, so took to beating you with that wrench?
Still have the soft spot on my skull.
And that time I started telling you about all the times I've fucked you up, just so Satan could sneak up behind you and give you a monster wedgie?
Did you? I don't remember tha... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
You can only take care of yourself.
What?
You can't control others, you can only take care of yourself.
Oh. Good to know. By the way... I've kidnapped your cat and if you don't wash my Firebird, I'll kill it.
How's this??
Another coat, bitch!

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
I am but a little caterpillar.
What?
A little caterpillar am I.
What are you talking about?
MY METAMORPHOSIS!!!!!!
Farch!

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
Have you seen Bill around?
Big Bill?
Yes.
Billy Bill the Bill Bill Man?
Yes.
Bill be nimble, Bill be quick, Bill have big ole Bill Bill Dick?

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
Have you seen Joe around?
No.
Yes.
What?
Sorry, fell in a rut.

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
Do you remember that big Polack who used to come around here?
Bill?
No.
Sorry, I hear big and I think Bill.
Yes.
Yes?

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
If you could be Bill for a day, what would you do?
I'd go around having a big dick.
That sure was a big dick.
Big ole dick.
I wonder whatever became of that dick.
I think we're living on it.

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
Bill's dick was so big, one time I asked him if it was attached to him, or if he was attached to it.
What did he say?
He said, "Let me consult with my dick."
What did they decide.
They released the following statement: "It has been suggested that Bill is attached to his monster dick as opposed to said dick being attached to Bill. Bill's dick agrees with this, Bill does not."
Those two never could get along!

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
Bill's dick left Bill then.
Yes, I remember.
Messy breakup.
And how.
And if you listen real hard, sometimes you can still hear the ghost of Bill stalking the countryside searching for his dick.
No, that's me. I really miss that dick!

 

by ObiJo
12-09-03
26! My long lost twin!
62! How are you?
Not bad! You know, things are never boring when you share a decade with 69.
Looks like you're sharing things with someone else too. Who's your imaginary friend there?
Oh, just some chick I picked up at the beach. She seemed to dig the way I rode the waves.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Boy, this year is going to be an interesting one.
Why, boss? Production is through the roof, and morale has never been better since we all switched to Geico.
That's just it. The Naughty Index is up to 89% this year! We're overstocked!
Holy Jizz Turrets, Santa! What are we going to do?
*CLICK*
I can't go on like this, MROWR! Don't you see how they look at us? They don't see we're in love, they only see Man and Zombie!
MROWR!

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
I wonder if Man is an instrument of change or an instrument of order.
I think we can be either or neither.
How so?
Well, we can pursue our desire, which can either bring about change or sustain the current order, or we can go with the flow, experiencing what is and how we feel, without desiring to change anything.
Damn.
I told you this was some good weed.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
The Next Day...
I wonder who's worse - the Cardinals or the Lions.
I'd say the Cardinals.
You're crazy.
You're crazy.
I don't even know why I hang around you.
Don't then.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
CROSIUS! Just what do you think you're doing??
Uh oh.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
CROSIUS! Didn't we just talk about this??
We talked about snowmen.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
What? I thought it would brighten the place up a little.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Well say something. I can't take the silent treatment.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Something about my decorative Jesus perhaps.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Here I'll help you out - "CROSIUS! That decorative Jesus is TOTALLY inappropriate for hell! Dispose of it before I dispose of you!"

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Then I'd be all, "You ain't the boss of me!" And you'd be, "I AM YOUR DARK LORD!" And I'd be, "Who's about to be getting a Converse up the ass!"

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Then you'd probably try some magical shit on me, but I'd be all WAAAAAAAHHH, blocking it kung fu style.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Then you'd be all, "Crosius, your power is truly greater than mine. You are the rightful ruler of hell and from now I am your loyal servant." And I'd be, "That's right, BEATCH!"

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Then all the hell creatures would celebrate and throw me a party.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
And all the hell babes would be all, "Oh, Crosius, you're SO strong." And "Oh, Crosius, you're SO powerful."

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
And I'd be all "Ladies, ladies, please! You're embarrasing me!"

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
Their animal lust would overtake them then and they'd take to fighting over me. One of them would accidentally turn on a hose, while another prepared the drum of jello.

 

by ObiJo
12-10-03
5 hours later...
...and the Penthouse Pets and I would rest happily on my island, knowing that the world was finally safe. Knowing that Big Louie's reign was finally over.

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
How come there's no porn in heaven? Like maybe some angel upskirts or nun fistings.
...
Or some deity double penetration. That shit would get the word out about Christianity, let me tell you. "Jesus took it up the ass for your sins!"
MY READY ROOM! NOW!
...and that's no way for an angel to behave! I mean, really, what's become of you? You were such a nice child...
nag nag nag

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
My Lord! What are you doing here??
Joe, I need some help. "Jesus died for your sins" just ain't jazzing the people into Christianity anymore. I need a new slogan. Something more current.
How about "Jesus dizzled for your shanizzles"?
No.
"Jesus - he's what's for dinner."
I'm not really looking for a communion slogan.

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
How about commercialism. Product placement can be a powerful thing.
Hmmm. What do you have in mind?
"Jesus and Pepsi, the choice of a new generation."
No.
"Jesus does the Dew, so should you, Jew."
No.

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
"Jesus died, rose, kicked it in heaven, came back down, conversed with Joe. Hammered out a new slogan. ALL FOR YOUR SINS."
No.
"Jesus took it up the ass for your sins."
No I didn't.
My place is right around the corner.
No.

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
"Jesus watched Gigli for your sins."
No.
"Jesus does long division for your sins." "Jesus killed a hobo for your sins."
No. No.
"Jesus poisoned your water for your sins." "Jesus is dating your daughter for your sins." "Jesus a puppy did slaughter for your sins."
No. No. No.

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
"Jesus sold crack for your sins." "Jesus went black and never went back for your sins." "Jesus teabagged sacks for your sins."
No. No. No.
"Jesus humps monkeys for your sins." "Jesus cancelled Punky for your sins." "Jesus got funky for your sins."
No. No. Hmm...
Hmm?
I think we found it!

 

by ObiJo
12-11-03
Later...
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand life and nothing seems to matter anymore.
I don't mean to be pushy or anything, but do you realize that Jesus got funky for your sins?
Did he?
Oh yeah! Hella funkified! He took it to the bridge, and brought it back moonwalking!
I think He's just what I need!
Let's go to my church! If we hurry, we can just make it in time for communion! (He's what's for dinner, you know.)

 

by ObiJo
12-12-03
What was the name of that crazy girl you dated in high school?
Crazy Rita.
Yeah, that's the one. That bitch was crazy.
Yeah.
I mean that bitch was REALLY REALLY crazy.
Yeah.

 

by ObiJo
12-14-03
Sir! Operation Power Sticks completed, sir!
So where are they?
Sir! Operation Transport Sticks was interrupted by Operation Consume, sir!
Operation Consume?? Well, you at least completed Operation Fluidity, didn't you?
Sir! Operation Fluidity was used to help complete Operation Consume the Operation Power Sticks, sir!
You owe me lunch, mister!

 

by ObiJo
12-15-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
I just can't get my fill of those yummy little communion wafers! Marry me, Jesus!
Hmph. You only want me for my body.

 

by ObiJo
12-15-03
They found Saddam Hussein in a hole!
That's the second person they found in a hole this week!
Really? Who was the first?
Michael Jackson.

 

by ObiJo
12-16-03
Hey, Joe.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah, I know. It's been following me around for days.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Everytime I say something, yeah.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
*THWUNK*
OW! STOP IT! Why are you always beating me??
I beat you because I care!
Well, then stop caring!
I'll stop caring when I stop loving!
*THWUNK*
OW!
And/or when I can afford a weight bench.

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
We're going to take that hill, sargeant! We outnumber them 2 to 1!
But what if they outmaneuver us 3 to 1?
Outmaneuver us? We're the most elite division in the army!
But what if that's gone to our heads? Or what if we're having a bad day? Or if one of us sneezes at an inopportune time?
Jesus, man! What kind of warrior are you?
I'm not a warrior! I'm a worrier! Stupid career placement bitch didn't know a homonym from a hominid!

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
Hi, Maura. How are you?
Not bad. You?
ACK!
HOLY SHIT!
ACK!

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
One man's "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is another man's "Stuff it, BEATCH."
One man's "Stuff it, BEATCH" is another man's "I did. IN YOUR WIFE!"
One man's "I did. IN YOUR WIFE!" is another man's "Lucy??"
One man's "Lucy??" is another man's "hAw!"
One man's "hAw!" is another man's "It... hurts... so... much!"

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
I can't believe you slept with my wife.
She was great too!
Consider yourself beaten up.
I guess I deserved that.
Now consider your nuts stomped.
Oh, man.

 

by ObiJo
12-20-03
SUCK
SUCK
SUCK
SUCK
SUCK
SUCK

Showing page 31.

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