All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
12-19-03
Everyone knows that Gandalf the wizard was clad in grey ...
and that he rode on the fastest horse in the land ...
Yee-haw, y'all fixin' to bar-bee-cue some orcs?
... but for some reason, they forget to mention his Confederate flag and Southern accent.

 

by kaufman
12-20-03
Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?

 

by kaufman
12-20-03
I got you a recording of "The Little Drummer Boy."
"The Little Drummer Boy?" You know that of all the holiday music, that's the one I'm sickest of.
Oh, but you'll like this version. You know how the Singing Dogs bark "Jingle Bells"? This version consists of pigeon flatulence.
Bird tooting? This I HAVE to hear!
I am so lucky. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a fart pigeon parody!

 

by kaufman
12-20-03
Ok, Highnesses, the tramp-o-leen is all set up. Come on out and leap!

 

by kaufman
12-20-03
Must report to Homeland Security
... and Tom Ridge in a pear tree.

 

by kaufman
12-22-03
... these jokes totally dry.
scrubby, scrubby, fi dollah!
All your broom are belong to us.
So I says, "Well, them electric vacuums ain't gonna clean carpets by themselves." _____________ Ha, ha. _____________ What the fuck are you talking about?
Need more suds on me.
RAAAAR! DIAM WILL BROOMSTICK YOU!!!
mop.

 

by kaufman
12-22-03
... Nine drummers drumming.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BADOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BADOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BADOOM-BOOM-BOOM
rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-tat-rat-a-tat-a-tat
BOOM-chuck-a-luck-a-BOOM-chuck-a-luck-a-BOOM-chuck-a-luck-a-
I thought there were supposed to be twelve today.
There were, but Keith Moon and the two guys from Spinal Tap spontaneously combusted.

 

by kaufman
12-22-03
Sextuplets?
No, but you're on the right track. Try multiplying by two.

 

by kaufman
12-23-03
On the third day ere Christmas, my tru
e love gave to me:
A life, so I didn't make comic 200,000.

 

by kaufman
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
It's like this, Nick. We moved Christmas to April, and people are still getting worked up for it in mid-October. So now we're going to try moving it to July of years ending in 9.
All right, but then you know it's 5 1/2 years till you get your Polly Perky Punkin Tits doll.

 

by kaufman
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
You're sleeping with the fishes, motherfucker.

 

by kaufman
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
Hmmmm ... I don't know if this will improve our standing.
It's my final offer. You send us three ghosts and a zombie, and in return I'll give you two angels, a donkey, the Grinch, and a wise man to be named later.

 

by kaufman
12-25-03
I've got too much going on. For 2004, I'd better be able to see more on my screen. Goodbye 640 x 480, hello 1280 x 1024.
It looks like you're trying to change the resolution on your monitor. Don't you know that making all those objects smaller is hard on your eyes? I can't let you do it.
I resolve to install Linux ...

 

by kaufman
12-26-03
Paris Hilton
I promise not to seem so vacuous this year.
What did I say? What does vacuous mean?
Rush Limbaugh
No more pills for me. I'm going cold-turkey.
Until I can figure out a way to blame it on the liberals.
Michael Jackson
I will quit fondling 11-year-old boys.
They all turn 12 this year.

 

by kaufman
12-27-03
11:58 PM, December 31
This year shall be different. No more 51-week-long drunken orgies with elves, reindeer and polar bears, culminating in me having to pull an all-nighter.
9 hours later ...
Well, hello-ho-ho there!

 

by kaufman
12-29-03
This year I will complete what I started!
My cartoons will have vivid characters, intricate backgrounds, and most importantly, absolutely NO default last panels due to short attention ...

 

by kaufman
12-29-03
Time to get rid of my disgusting habits. This year I will no longer fling any poo!
Luckily, I never said anything about flinging pooh.

 

by kaufman
12-29-03
Mr. President, is this a good time for your Daily National Security Briefing?
Why, yes it is. Tell me what's going on.
First of all, the CIA reports that Al Qaeda is working on a new experimental weapon, code-named "Kafka."
Sounds sinister. What's this Kafka thing do?
That's the problem, sir. We don't know yet, but we're hoping to hear from our sources soon.

 

by kaufman
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Will Dick Clark get leg-humped? Stay tuned.
There's a gigantic dog on the ball dropping in Times Square!

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
It's Melvin.

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
The start of a new year ...
It's RABBIT season!
DUCK season!
and the tax accountants are stirring.
o/` Back to work, back to work, it's tax season.
Tax season? I prefer shooting push-pins myself.
I wonder, if he bags one, will he take it to the tax-dermist?

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
Ha ha, you can't shoot me. It's TAX season.
I took an itemized de-duck-tion!
You're dethpicable.

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
How'd you suddenly get so rich, doc?
Attacks credit.

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
Careful with that gun, Johnny. You'll shoot your eye out.
But if I do, I get to claim an extra exemption for blindness.
In that case, shoot my eyes out.
Ok, mom, hold still.

 

by kaufman
1-02-04
Who was that guy hunting and running like that? Hunt-and-run, hunt-and-run?
I dunno. Must have been the H&R bloke.

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-02-04

 

by kaufman
1-04-04

 

by kaufman
1-05-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is apocalypse-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

 

by kaufman
1-05-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
The Detroit Tigers beat Rodney King

 

by kaufman
1-05-04

 

by kaufman
1-06-04
Nothing to worry about, ma'am, just a little water on the knee. You'll be walking fine in a few days.
Nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about?
I'm melting!

 

by kaufman
1-06-04

 

by kaufman
1-07-04

 

by kaufman
1-07-04

 

by kaufman
1-07-04

 

by kaufman
1-07-04

 

by kaufman
1-08-04

 

by kaufman
1-08-04

 

by kaufman
1-08-04
You wanted to see me, Professor?
Yes, Harry. The Ministry of Magic is putting together an all-star baseball team. We'd like you to be our shortstop.
Sure, I think I can do that. Who else is on the team?
We've got Malfoy on first, Weasley on second, and You-Know-Who on third.
No I don't. Who's on third?
*You Know Who*!

 

by kaufman
1-09-04
Now let me get this straight. We are inside dcom's butt?
Yessss we isssss, nice smelly buttses.
But yet, you are dcom's butt. How can that be?
Am butt inside self ... must recursesss ... needs time, time, preciousss ... does not compute ... not computsesss...

 

by kaufman
1-09-04
Good night, Jen.
Good night, Ben.

 

by kaufman
1-10-04
Welcome to McDonalds, how can I help you?
I saw the ad for your new cheesesteak sandwich, and it looks good. Let me try a McPhilly.
Here you go, one McFilly.
Thanks.

 

by kaufman
1-12-04
78 years and I still haven't figured out why papa told me to keep my eye on the ball.

 

by kaufman
1-12-04
Son, soon you're going to reach the age where you'll have the opportunity to try brand new experiences. And you'll want to.
People are going to offer you drugs. You won't know who they are, what's in the stuff they're offering you, and what it will do to you.
What I'm trying to say is that if you really want some dope, don't risk getting it from strangers. Tell me, and I'll score some good shit for you.

 

by kaufman
1-12-04
Listen up, boy, we don' like yer kinda preachin' around here.
'nfact, we're gonna make sure you're outta this town by sundown.
Oh yeah, you and what army?
AHA! It is Lee, Jesus!

Showing page 34.

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