All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
1-12-04
Apologies to itsclark and his CC 162 genius
Take... On... Me...
Take... Me... On...
I'll... Be... Gone...
a-ha! It is me, Jesus!

 

by kaufman
1-13-04
Son, I don't want to give you meaningless pater, but rather some good dadvice. Always avoid the paparazzi, and be nice to your brother ancestor.
Whether you work in a beauty salon as a fabulous perm provider, or make a career as a pro janitor, keep your thoughts light as a father, so you don't pop off.
Beware of commercials -- they are just paid remarks, but some ale 'parently is good for you if you so deSire. For safe investments, gold many times succeeds.

 

by kaufman
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Wait a minute ... what kind of dietary requirement involves fast-food servers?
*urp*

 

by kaufman
1-13-04
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest ...
Well, of course!
Yo ho ... huh?
Of course he's dead. How did you expect him to breathe with all those guys on his chest?

 

by kaufman
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
I hope this isn't another one of those "eating pussy" jokes.
Oh no, sir, it's far worse. You know how alcoholics need to have liquor? Well, this guy's a practicing CATholic.

 

by kaufman
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
My god, honey, what happened to you?
Some guy in the restaurant wanted to eat all of my hair.

 

by kaufman
1-14-04
Come along boys, tou too, Harold.
Ok, I'm all done walking your plankton.
Arrrrrrr, thank ye ma'am. They get a little cabin fever when holed up inside all day. So, ye wanna go back to my place now?
I'm afraid not. I feel a headache coming on.
Arrrrrrr, probably an effect of walking the plankton. Here, I've got an analgaesic fer ye.

 

by kaufman
1-16-04
I'm here with screen legend Mickey Mouse.
How are you, Sam?
You've had a fabulous 75-year career, and in tribute, your company is now allowing you to retire. What's the first thing you're going to do?
I'M GOING TO DISNEYL...
Damn.

 

by kaufman
1-16-04
Don't worry. This happens to a lot of men.
I know.
But why does my remote have to die the night The Dirty Dozen, Flyers-Devils, Carolina-Duke, and a Baywatch marathon are on?

 

by kaufman
1-16-04
Eagle, you are go for EVA.
Roger, Houston
That's one small step for a man ... one giant leap for mankind.
Uh, Neil, our cameras are showing that you left your fly open. You'd better zip it up quickly before the depressurization ...

 

by kaufman
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Powerpoint?
Sure. No better way to unwind after Microsoft debuts a new package.

 

by kaufman
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up destroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's try and get Rumsfeld's autograph.

 

by kaufman
1-19-04
Have you finished building the Weapon?
Yes, Captain. It should be able to fuse the minds of any two creatures we aim it at.
Excellent. Find two earthlings, and test it out on them.
Very well, sir. Fusing the minds of that one with the weapon and that one nailed to the tree.
ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPP!
AHA! Eeejit me, Sissus!
AHA! Eeejit me, Sissus!

 

by kaufman
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up destroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's play riddles. I'll go first. What do I have in my pocket.
Hey, where'd you go? And ... my pocket's empty. Bad Deagol, you have precioussss, my precioussss! Noooooooo! Give back precioussss!

 

by kaufman
1-21-04
Corporal, put in the call for reinforcements! The Germans are bringing in a whole trepanzer division

 

by kaufman
1-21-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Fucker wished me into the cornfield.

 

by kaufman
1-21-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Stewardess! Two ... long-haired ... monsters ... on wing ... trying ... to ruin ... the engine! Must ... tell ... pilot.

 

by kaufman
1-22-04
O-O.
Eeeeeee!
O-O-O.
Please, no whining about him castling twice. He is a witch doctor!
AHA! Ting-tang, walla-walla bing-bang!

 

by kaufman
1-22-04
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha.
Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start!
Well, I'll be danged. They're working again. Thanks a lot.
No problem, pard.

 

by kaufman
1-23-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I hear County General is giving away free colostomies this week.
Cool. Let's go. I'll take two.

 

by kaufman
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Do you have the Cheez Doodles?
Of course not. I brought the Snickers. I always bring the Snickers.

 

by kaufman
1-26-04
Tonight is a special night. Tonight we're having haggis.
This doesn't taste like shit.
I've had enough. I wish I'd traveled with the Olsons. All us Donners are too tough and stringy.

 

by kaufman
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
We're gonna make snickerdoodles. Then we'll make cocoacreamies. And we'll make snugglymuffins. We'll make hasturblippies and lalasprinkies!
YEAAAAAAAGGGH!

 

by kaufman
1-28-04
Howard Dean, you took time off your busy campaign to quarterback the winning drive here at the Super Bowl. What are you going to do now?
I'm going to Disney World!
And I'm going to Universal Studios. And Sea World. I'm going to that museum that's upside down.
And to the Peabody to see the ducks, and to the apartment building that's the color of Pepto Bismol. YEAAAARRRGGGH!

 

by kaufman
1-29-04
My eye is squishy.
You think that's bad? Both of my eyes are.
My eyes are squishy.
Ha, two-eyes, look at me! Squishy times nine!
My eyes are ...
Don't even say it.

 

by kaufman
1-30-04
You've heard plenty of reasons to vote for Howard Dean, but now I will give you the most important one.
If he's not elected president, he will instead become a bus driver in YOUR home town.
We're going to Gateway Apartments. And Central Square Mall. Then we'll go to Food Town and Fillmore Library. YEAAAAARGGGGH!

 

by kaufman
1-31-04
After the last great war shattered the United States, the small republic of Idaho thrived on its crop of orange potatoes.
I found a potato! I'm rich!
People came from far and wide to buy those valuable tubers.
I want orange potatoes. You told me they were orange potatoes. That potato is blue!
People say that, then stare and stare at the potatoes. Then they look at the blank background in the next panel, and voila! Orange!
Did you try it? Good.

 

by kaufman
1-31-04
Idaho was ruled by a barbarian from the West, a fellow named Spankling.
It had to be someone starting with "S". Did you really expect skagg to show up?
He ruled with an iron hand, sadistically lording over his people.
water.
Sadistic? I never did anything to any of them I wouldn't want done to myself!
Fine ... Masochisticly projecting his fantasies upon all his people. Sheesh, don't get your panties all smeared!
You leave my panties out of this.
I was only reading verbatim the rules to this contest.

 

by kaufman
1-31-04
ADVANCE! ADVANCE, MY FELLOW UNDERWEARIANS. COLLECT THOSE ORANGE POTATOES! Now who's sexier, Spankling? Huh?

 

by kaufman
1-31-04
So while Spankling goes into hiding, disguising himself as a taxi driver ...
If the radiation over the Midwest fades and the Cubs can get a decent left-handed reliever, I think they have a chance this year.
Boorite installs a pro...
Here ya go, make yourselff comfortable.
Ahem, I'm not done. I was saying, provisional government.
Don't worry. She'll do. She was a Poli-Sci major at Gonzaga.

 

by kaufman
1-31-04
Happy to say, that provisional governor was the best thing to happen to Idaho. She set up the land's most efficient system of mass transit ...
And I want light rail and trollops connecting every major intersection ...
and Idaho's industry blossomed, led by its reputation for outstanding rugs, musical instruments, and pedestrian control signals.
According to Consumer Reports, we have the best hookers, trumpets and street-walkers.
And what of Boorite? Thanks to the orange potatoes, he too lived out his dream.
Would you like fries with that?
And how!

 

by kaufman
2-02-04
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the ideal Super Bowl halftime festivities.
There you have it: twelve minutes of a blissfully empty field. If Janet Jackson has helped to bring this about, she deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

 

by kaufman
2-03-04
Sol, I think it's over between us.
Don't let Halley's Comet hit you on the way out.

 

by kaufman
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
o/` He's going to tell. He's going to tell. He's going to tell. He's going to tell... o/`
Shut up, all of you! I told you there will be NO singing in here

 

by kaufman
2-03-04
I have a question for you, Mr. Know-it-all.
Why certainly, Rocky, my friend, inquire away.
How come during that halftime show did Nelly keep grabbing at his crotch with his left hand?
Well, there were two reasons for that.
True.
First of all, he'd had a Bud Light before coming out on the stage, and second, he'd named his left hand Fergus.

 

by kaufman
2-04-04
Guyana, 1978
Bottoms up!
Hurry up, man, I'm thirsty.
This has to be the right thing. HE told us so.
I wish more people here chose suicide by ferret bites. This is taking forever.
Yeah, too many people going for the easy punchline.

 

by kaufman
2-05-04
Hey Edwards, come out into the hall. We have to talk.
I think it's Hoover between us.

 

by kaufman
2-06-04
Let me see ... Why yes, it does make your ass look fat.
Hey man, got any pants you're not using?
Mr. President, I'd like to ... OH MY GOD!!!!

 

by kaufman
2-09-04
What an invigorating meal. I swear I could fly!
Let me out of here! I have comics to make.
How do you like that? I can fly. Amazing!

 

by kaufman
2-09-04
Wait a minute, I recognize you. You're Steve Whitman, Master of Disguise!
Damn.

 

by kaufman
2-09-04
In Vietnam, Private Steve Whitman distinguished himself as a Master of Disguise, personally dispatching hundreds of Viet Cong.
Oh, what a cute widdle girl.
Just one step closer, Charlie, and I'll be able to rip your throat out.
Many believe he came close to winning the war singlehandedly for the US-led forces ...
Nice doggie. Want a treat?
Heh heh. Now to pull the pin on my "bone".
... until he was accidentally court-martialled while on an undercover mission.
When Charlie attacks the camp, I'll be ready to fall on him.
No sign of Whitman anywhere. He must be AWOL.

 

by kaufman
2-10-04
So there I was on a hillside, biggest flood in a century sending a torrent raging beneath me, carrying off houses, vehicles, livestock, when suddenly I see ...
The current's carrying the most famous lawyer in the state in my direction. I know I can take that picture and be immortalized with a Pulitzer, or I can reach down and save his life.
I only had a fraction of a second to make that decision that would affect me for the rest of my life: Color or Black and White?

 

by kaufman
2-11-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
Ok, I've got your kneecap and Wilford's unused calf muscle. Am I ready to win my girl?
Not yet. You need a femur parts.

 

by kaufman
2-11-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
I think Cousin Wilford's been fooling around with Mom again.
Hallelujah! That means I'll have more time to tend to the sheep.

 

by kaufman
2-12-04
Get out of my way.
Axe nicely.
What did you say?!
I said, axe nicely.
And I'm carving you into little heart and diamond-shaped chunks of meat, just in time to give to your sweetie on Valentine's day.
Oh, thank you so very much.

 

by kaufman
2-12-04
woah..is that a mullet?
woah.. is that a pompadour??
Aha! It is me, a ponytail!

 

by kaufman
2-12-04
I had a strange dream last night, and you were in it. Seems nothing was holding anything down no more, and we was floating up together.
So we're wondering what can be done to fix the laws of physics. And you suggest giving me a good cornholing.
Why yes, I reckon I would.
So I says, "Well, them Tobor routines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha.

 

by kaufman
2-12-04
My desk smells like tuna.
Oh, I wonder why.
What does YOUR desk smell like?
Pineapple.
You sly fox! You've been banging Don Ho during office hours, haven't you?
Check it out. My head emanates tiny bubbles!

 

by kaufman
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.

 

by kaufman
2-16-04
You've got to help me, Doctor. I've got such a low opinion of myself, I just know things are going to turn out badly, and I'm now thinking of killing myself.
I see. And how long have you felt that way?
About a week. Ever since my tail grew back.
Your tail?
Yeah. Come to think of it, I feel all down whenever I have a tail, but when I don't, I feel just super, practically bouncing off the wall.
I have good news for you. Your case is easy to diagnose. You have a form of bipolar disorder. In layman's terms, you're manx-depressive.

Showing page 35.

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