All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Hey, what's up?
I threw a rod last night.
In your car?
Yeah.
...and in my bedroom.

 

I would never vote Republican.
I'm a swing voter, but I tend to lean conservative if the candidate is proportionally better than the liberal candidate.
While being gay doesn't rule everything I do, I'm still gay enough to see how stupid some of their ideas are.
So are you one of those Log Cabin Republicans?
Nah, I'm more of Banana Republican.

 

Tonight at the Mac store...
Sorry, I have to get a manager to approve this exchange.
This is taking a long time, but he's cute.
It should only be a few more minutes.
That's okay, take your time.
Ten minutes later, at a different store...
Hi, can I help....
JESUS CHRIST YOU HAG! HURRY THE FUCK UP!

 

Are you and your sister still going to Disneyland this weekend?
No! We found out it's Gay Day, so we postponed it.
Yeah, you wouldn't want a big ol' diesel dyke hitting on your sister.
Forget her. What if some guy hits on me?
You're safe.

 

How come you just have your shirt tucked in front and not in the back?
That's how people wear it now.
What people?
Young and gay people.
Don't think you're fooling anyone into thinking you're young.

 

What are you doing?
Filling up my queue on NetFlix.
Cool, what are you putting on there?
All the movies you didn't want to see when we were going out.

 

Hey, you haven't been online in a long time. How come you stopped calling me?
I have no idea who you are.
We spoke a few times on the phone and went out once a long time ago, and then you didn't call me after that.
If we spoke a few times, wouldn't you have had my phone number too?
Yes.
I guess I have the only phone with numbers on it.

 

Why are you dressed like a pirate?
Yarr! It be Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day.
I think I'll just talk like I always do today.
Talking like a butt pirate don't count, matey!

 

Have you ever used glow-in-the-dark codoms?
No, they never really made much sense to me.
I use them all the time.
To give the gerbil some light?

 

I don't get it. One minute you're gay, and the next minute you're telling me about your last girlfriend.
Yeah, she was my LAST girlfriend.
She made you switch teams, huh?
No, I was more of a free agent at the time and because she hung out with so many gay guys anyway, dating her was like dating a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
But you two had sex, right?
Yeah, not many of us can say we've had a fag hag with benefits.

 

I like to take things slow at first.
That's cool.
Like, I don't even want to kiss a guy until after the second date.
Aw...you're an old-fashioned guy. That's cute.
So you wanna go jerk off?

 

I really don't have a "type." I'm open to just about anyone.
I date a guy for his personality and intelligence, not his appearance.
Cool.
So are you hung?

 

The gays amuse me.
I don't approve of lesbians, though.
Why not?
Sex without a man is disrespectful!

 

San Francisco certainly is a beautiful city.
It sure is.
Too bad God is going to make it fall into the ocean to punish the sodomites and liberals.

 

Are you ready?
I'm not leaving until I look dead sexy.
Just hurry, we gotta get going.
This will only take a second.
How did you do that so quickly?
I just slid down the fagpole, and this is my super costume for the day.

 

I was thinking of something the other day...
I'm not eating those nasty Brussel sprouts!
How do you know you don't like it if you never tried it?
Then I realized...
How do you know you don't like it if you never tried it?
Hmmm, I guess my mother really is to blame.
I think we've finally had a break-through. Maybe you should increase your visits to three times a week.

 

Sometimes I think all the effort it takes to eat healthy and exercise to try and stay fit is only marginally better than not getting laid.
I wouldn't know.
That's because a woman would have sex with a straight guy for a multitude of reasons even if he's fat.
But I'll bet you'd never fuck a fat chick.
Dude, don't be gross, I'm trying to eat.

 

These two annoying sorority girls moved into the unit next door.
Annoying to you--any other guy your age would probably be thrilled.
They wear these shoes with gigantic heels on them that cause my pictures and windows to rattle whenever they stomp up and down the stairs in them.
I'm 6'2 and 190 pounds and I don't make the building shake when I use the stairway.
I guess you really are light in the loafers.

 

Dear Rural Midwesterners:
Thank you for your concern.
But since terrorists are more likely to strike major U.S. cities than farms, don't you think us Big City Folk should have decided this thing?

 

Dear Bible Belt:
Most of you don't think you even know any gay people.
So why do you care if we run off and live happily ever after in downtown lofts?

 

Dear Midwest and South:
We get it. You're pro-military and you don't think we're on the wrong track in Iraq.
But voting against gay marriage in 11 states won't prevent a "backdoor draft."

 

Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory. With more Republicans in Congress and up to four Supreme Court slots to fill, we need you to fight the temptation to abuse your power.
You were probably too drunk to notice, but back in '72, Nixon got re-elected too.

 

Can I help you?
Yes, can you get on the store's P.A. and ask the girl who parked behind me in the red Beetle to move her car?
How do you know it's a girl's car?
Well, I didn't see a rainbow sticker on the car...
And my gaydar didn't blip while I was shopping.

 

I don't think homosexuality is genetic. I think it's something that is learned.
I'm not so sure about that.
The again, you are the one who used to dress me up as a sailor.

 

Vat zeems to be zee problem?
I keep having the same nightmare over and over again.
Und vat is dees nachtmare?
I'm getting mauled by a bear.
Perhaps you should stop going to zee leather bars.

 

Okay, that's a Men's Health and a bottle of lube. Anything else?
Uh...no.
Look, it's just a coincidence that I'm buying those two things together.
If you were in better shape, I'd believe you.

 

The 80's...
I don't care if you're gay, I just don't want to hear or see anything about it.
90's...
Dude, do you have any extacy?
2000's...
You're gay, huh? That's cool. I once let a guy suck my cock, but my eyes were closed, so it doesn't count. It doesn't count, does it?

 

You talk about your weight a lot, and your diet, and you exercise.
So? It's good to be healthy.
Yeah, but you're beginning to obsess about it.
Not nearly as much as a lot of gay guys.
I just don't want you to develop some disorder.
You know I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

 

Damn, I wish the rain would stop, I was going to go rollerblading today.
I've never bladed before--it looks hard.
You get the hang of it quickly.
What's the hardest thing about learning to rollberblade?
Telling your parents you're gay.

 

Leviticus 18:22 is always cited as proof that God hates fags.
True, it does say, "Thou shall not lie with a man as with a woman, it is an abomination." But what else did Moses consider an abomination?
Eating pork (11:7), shellfish (11:10), oh, and eagles (11:13)... remember, this was before they were on the endangered list.
Sowing fields with mingled seeds, or weaving fabrics from linen and wool. I'm so glad they had no concept of poly-cotton blends back then.
Having sex with a woman while she's menstruating (18:19)...
Okay, that one is kinda gross.

 

Oh, Pastor Bob! I found something terrible in my son's room while conducting my weekly search.
Pornography? Drugs? Rap music?
Worse!
What can be worse?
He was writing a fan letter to Margaret Cho!
Calm down...try to think positive. He might not be gay, he may just have a thing for chubby Asian girls.

 

So you're a real gay, huh?
Yeah, I'm a big, fat faggot.
You shouldn't talk like that.
Fat is such an ugly word.

 

If you had an identical twin, would you jerk off with him?
Fuck, no.
Because it's incest?
No.
Then why? It would be like jerking yourself off.
I'm not my type.

 

Fucking homophobes! I hate them.
I don't mind them, as long as they only manifest it with awkward uneasiness.
It's just so wrong! I don't understand it.
I do.
How?
I'm afraid to fuck you too.

 

Hi kids, AccentuateNegative here with some straight talk...
Ask me about my grandchildren, you meet the friendliest people in RV parks, I think I'll skip going to the gym today, Everybody Loves Raymond keeps getting funnier...
The only place better than Applebees is Bennigans, I only have two pairs of shoes, you should put on some weight, those new Chrysler minivans sure are sharp.
I'm starting to believe homosexuality really is a choice.

 

I'm looking forward to my trip out to California.
Yeah, it will be great to see you again.
I have to warn you...I'm getting kinda fat.
You know what it means when a straight guy says he's getting fat?
No, what?
He's already fat.

 

This last election was a mandate. People are getting back to their moral values.
Well, your moral values at least.
Soon, we'll have a Constitutional ban on gay marriage and conservative Supreme Court judges to restore Christian principles in our laws and institutions.
Theocracy has worked so well in the Middle East and throughout history, why not do it here?
Also, Jerry Falwell announced he's reforming the Moral Majority.
Yes, America, prepare to face the Day of Redneckoning.

 

Hey, are you watching the rodeo on the big screen, or can I change it?
Do I look like the kind of person who would watch rodeo?
I don't know.
Look at the size of my belt buckle--it's way too small and there is no turquoise.
Figure skating it is.

 

Target sure is taking a lot of heat for kicking the Salvation Army off it's properties this Christmas.
I saw some religious right spokesman on TV complaining that it was all about political correctness.
I thought they kicked off all groups soliciting cash from their customers and not just Salvation Army.
They did.
So how is that political correctness?
Because Wal-Mart still allow religious charities who discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation to harrang their customers.

 

Do you describe yourself as "straight-acting?"
Yeah.
I find that term offensive.
Why?
Well, what does it mean to you?
It means I never worked in retail.

 

We are family...I got all my sisters with me...
God, this song seems like it's been playing for an hour!
You're too young to think that.
We are family...Get up everybody and sing!
Why?
Honey, it played for ten years in 1979 alone.

 

You haven't been around much lately.
I've been busy with work, family, shopping, holidays, parties, and trying to jump-start my dating life.
I've got more balls in the air than Cirque du Soleil
I was going to say the cast of Rent.

 

This week, Texas Tech fans invaded
I could live out here if it weren't for all the immoral liberals and the Hollywood elite.
God'll get them flamin' homosexuals eventually.
San Diego for the Holiday Bowl.
Sure is great being away from home and the kids.
I hope they had a good time.
Hey, buddy, do you know where we can get some pussy?
If I understand you correctly, you can back home with your wives.

 

At a straight club...
I think that cute guy over there is gay.
Oh, please.
He isn't?
He's the only guy in here with tennis shoes on, his shirt is plain white instead of patterned, and he's wearing a silly New Year's hat instead of showing off his fabulous hair cut.
He seems really friendly and outgoing, though.
You need to get out more, tune your gaydar, and learn what kids on extasy look like.

 

How was the football game?
My fabulous homemade bean dip was the hit of the tailgate party.
So you put the gay in tailgate?
Only because the lesbian brought beer.

 

It must have been intimidating going to a football game with a lesbian.
Yeah, she knew more about the game than me and even played for three years.
If we hadn't been eating pizza when she asked me if I wanted her sausage, I would have had to check for a bulge.

 

I hate the restroom at this place.
Why?
There aren't any partitions between the urinals and sometimes I get pee shy.
You have no problem jerking off with guys though, right?
I would if water sports were involved.
Is this what they call stream of consciousness?

 

Are you ready to see what we did to your house?
Sure.
Okay...open your eyes!
What the fuck did you do?
You said you wanted a camp theme.
I meant deliberately tacky! Where are the statues of monkeys wearing fezes? Where are velvet Elvis paintings? Where are the old west TV trays, you cunt?

 

I know a lot of you out there in the Bible Belt think homosexuals are incapable of raising healthy, happy families and that is one of the many reasons you oppose gay marriage.
Well, we are, but I'm not going to argue with you.
Have fun this summer spending your hard-earned vacation with your kids at your in-laws' house in Biloxi. I'm taking my disposable income to Europe for two weeks.

 

I've got one thing to say to all those ex-officers who are complaining and suing because the military is recalling them to duty.
What's that?
They can all blow me.
Isn't that a bit harsh?
No, I'll post pictures of it on the web and get them kicked out. Isn't one little blowjob worth your life?
Wouldn't be the first time they made privates stand at attention.

Showing page 4.

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