All comics by BlackSheep

Profile

 

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

Sometimes, if you're not careful...suicide can kill you!
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

Man came into this world by coming out the womb. Why is it he spends the rest of his life trying to get back in?
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

If its so natural, why is it then that I've never seen any gay animals?
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

Hi! I'm David Oreck and my vacuum cleaners SUCK!
by BlackSheep, 5-18-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-18-07
Well, sister...I know you have a very lousy habit!
I never did confession with you father so how would you know?
The bishop has asked me to have a word with you.
But father, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs!
I know that sister. I'm talking about your uniform...your habit! It looks like shit!
Whew! For a moment there father I thought you were going to chastise me for jerking off the bishop!

 

by BlackSheep
5-18-07
Woohoo! I'm out out of the clothet! I'm finally out!
Thon, what do you mean by that?
I wath in my my clothet looking for thomething colorful and lathey to frollick around the houthe in tonight and I accthidentally locked mythelf in until you let me out!
Well, thank god for that! For a moment there I thought you were goint to tell me that you're gay or thomething!
By the way dad...what were you doing thnooping around my clothet?
I wath hoping to find thome young thrange boy in colorful lathey clothing to frollick around the houthe with tonight!

 

by BlackSheep
5-18-07
But dad! I don't underthand why you thould feel any different towardth me juth becauth I'm gay!
Well...for one thing, son, you talk kinda funny and listen to The Village People!
Ok...and another?
You also walk kinda weird, wear feminine colored clothing and often have that Bruce and Lance stay over all night, dancing and making strange squealing noises in your room!
Alright and anything elth?
Sure, son...you're breath smells like shit for one reason or another! I'm not gonna kiss you goodnight!

 

by BlackSheep
5-18-07
Well, Philip!
Liz...I'm telling you that I DID NOT have sexual relations with Princess Diana!
Oh...and apparently you don't inhale your pipe either I suppose?
President Clinton said it isn't sex!
Philip! I want a spot on MY dress just like Diana's!
The only spot I'm going to give YOU is a spot in the family cemetary!

 

Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the White House garden...
Monica...what's THIS in your purse?
I thinks its a "wad" of bills, Hillary!
by BlackSheep, 5-18-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Some Black Sheep at Grump's around Christmas time...
Hey, Grump! The weather outside is frightful!
But, Pete! The fire is so delightful!
But since we've no place to go...
Oh, this is going to kill me, Pete! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
It doesn't show signs of stopping and I've bought some corn for popping!
The lights are turned way down low. Shit! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Oh, baby! You make me feel so young!
I don't even know how old you are!
Ooo! I'm, oh, oh, oh, twelve. Yes! Yes!
Twelve! And I make you feel young?
Ah! Ah! Yes! Yes! Oh, god!
I make you feel like what, six? Ok, eight? Nine!

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
So the smart-assed pimply faced little 22 year old drill sergeant says, "GIMME FIVE, PRIVATE!"
Um...ok, and what happened next?
I clenched my fist and gave him five of my best into his smart-assed pimply faced little 22 year old drill sergeant yap!
Have they found a replacement smart-assed pimply faced little 22 year old drill sergeant yet?

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
What a goof!
I'd like to get this guy alone in a bar!
I'd like to pop his pimples...with my fist!
Wow! He stole that line right outta "Full Metal Jacket"!
We don't have steers in Hamilton you idiot!
HAMILTON?! The only thing that ever came from Hamilton are steers and queers and YOU don't look like much of a steer to me, PRIVATE!

 

I've learned never to fry bacon in the nude!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

Man...what happened to your face?!
I must have still been SO drunk this morning, I answered the iron!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

Honey, can you come and pick me up? I'm too drunk to drive. What? Oh...um...on the corner of um...telephone and um, telephone!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Dad...I'm having a lot of trouble with these condoms you gave me. They just won't stay on!
Well...I know you're not THAT small! When did you put one on?
First thing this morning when I got out of bed.
And when was your date with Cathy?
Earlier this evening at 9.
The freakin' future of America!

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
I'd like a box of 12 condoms please.
That will be $11.99 sir.
Does that include tax?
No, they stay on by themselves!

 

Dad...can you use a condom more than once?
Sure, son. I turned one inside-out once and that's how you were born. They work!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

Steve, riding my Harley without a helmet is like having sex without a condom! Beautiful!
Be careful though, you might get something in your eye, Lesley!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Sometimes I wear two condoms at the same time!
What the heck for? You won't feel anything that way!
Exactly! Ever try making it with a food processor?
No...but I DID get stuck in a vacuum cleaner one time!

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Thank god, Liz, you're not wearing a hat for a change!
Its bright and sunny today and I thought I would get a little color but why, what's wrong with my hats, Philip?
They look like shit! They make you look like shit and they remind me of piss-pots, Liz!
Oh! Well I'm glad then you're not wearing your military uniform!
Oh! What's wrong with my military garb? Is it the ears? Its always about the ears, Liz!
Your medals are fake and your rank is fake! Your hat makes your ears look huge and I'd just as soon take your fake sword and slice your monstrous ears off your fake Prince title!

 

Well, Mr. Simpson...I pulled you for speeding but I also found steroids in your white Ford Bronco.
I didn't take no stereo!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
Your homies drive like shit, Lei Mi!
That is because we had rickshaws. Our horses just followed the roads. What's your excuse, Leroy?
We drive fast 'cause we're so used to getting chased by the white man to be used for slaves!
Chinese people never had black slaves because we are an honorable nation and believe in Ying and Yang!
Yo, mo fo! Whatchoo talkin' 'bout?
Ok, now get back to the end of my driveway and hold up that lantern!

 

Philip? Why do you think our Prince Charles' ears are so big?
Apparently, Liz, that's how Princess Diana held her "licker"!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-19-07
The Queen visits the Prince of Wales Elementary School
Do you wipe your own bum your Royal Highness?
Well no, deary. We have royal wipers!
Do you do your own hair and put on your own makeup, your Majesty?
No, sweetheart. I have a lady in waiting that tends to those personal matters.
My mummy says you get your clothes from the Salvation Army!
I shall have your mummy beheaded!

 

Chelsey and Hillary Clinton
Chelsey? I told you I don't want you hanging out with that Gore boy! I don't know what you two are up to!
But mom...daddy said it isn't sex!
by BlackSheep, 5-19-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-20-07
"I love Johnnie Cochran!"
"Ahm big on biatches!"
"Budda is best!"
"Allah Akbar!"
"Hari, hari! Hari Krishna!"
Very good, class! I believe that all people were created equal...its just that some are more equal than others!

 

by BlackSheep
5-20-07
Suzuki GSX-R!
BMW R1200 ST!
Vethpa Granturithmo 200!
Hondamatic 400!
Yamaha V-Star!
HARLEY FUCKING DAVIDSON! WANNABEES!

 

by BlackSheep
5-20-07
Um...I'm a single white female. Smoker. Divorced with 2 children. Like long walks on the beach. Fine dining. Travel. Nice cars. I like someone that makes me laugh and is financially independant. Um...
Cougar! Lookin' for sugar daddy! Gold digger! Forget it!
Pension and benefits! Stability! She's outta here!

 

by BlackSheep
5-20-07
Do you see Cindy, the new girl, in the red dress over there? Nice tatas but they're fake!
No way! How the heck would you know that?
Her nipples taste like latex! No, ok...I saw the doctor's bill on her night table.
Well...the other one, Becky, is manic-depressive! I saw the prescription in her medicine cabinet!
Do you see Bill over there with the coffee cup? He's got a real small one!
Really, Cindy? I didn't think his was nearly as small as his buddy, Bert's!

 

by BlackSheep
5-20-07
Man...I gave it to Cindy this afternoon, Bert!
Right here in the office? What did she do?
I just whipped it out, grabbed it and handed it to her. She looked at it, flipped it over, licked it and tied a little red string around it and said thanks!
No way, man! Weird! You ARE talking about, umm...your package?
Package? Ya of course. The brown manilla envelope the boss wanted shipped top priority today! What did you think I was talking about, Bert?
Ahh...never mind, Bill. My mind is somewhere else right now!

 

v1.2
That's ok, sir. Just keep it up! On Saturday our tricycle gang is gonna blow your wife away at the mall with our pea-shooters!
by BlackSheep, 5-22-07

 

President Bush has sure made things better in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina!
Yep! The water is a lot clearer now!
by BlackSheep, 5-22-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-24-07
Man...I gave it to Cindy this afternoon, Bert!
Right here in the office? What did she do?
Well...I just whipped it out! She grabbed it, looked at it, felt it some, flipped it over, licked it and tied a little red string around it and said thanks!
No way, man! Weird! You ARE talking about, umm...your package?
Package? Ya of course. The brown manilla envelope the boss wanted shipped top priority today! What did you think I was talking about, Bert?
Ahh...never mind, Bill. My mind is somewhere else right now!

 

by BlackSheep
5-24-07
Look at ze two bowling ball eediots next to us!
Ya! De melon tweens! Zey all look alike in zees country, ya?
Check the two furbacks next to us!
More fucking fuzzy illegals!

 

by BlackSheep
5-24-07
I'm comin' for your ass, Osama!
Ok.
I'm gonna burn all your tents, rip the veils off your women, shoot your goats, yaks and camels!
No! No! Don't rip the veils off our women!
Why not?
Then they will look like goats, yaks and camels too!

 

by BlackSheep
5-25-07
You know what, Nancy? I just don't have any patience!
Well Doctor, I think you have a lot of patients!
No! What I mean is, I don't have enough patience with the patients I have!
I still don't get it Doctor but sometimes I don't like the way you operate!

 

by BlackSheep
5-25-07
I see the boob job I did on you last year, Nancy, is 'holding up' nicely!
They look great Doctor but I still have a little pain every now and then.
Well...I'll just have to keep abreast of the situation!
Thanks, Doctor and do you have any nipples and dimes for the pop machine?

 

by BlackSheep
5-27-07
So, Bert, I went for my annual prostate check yesterday.
How did it go, Bill?
Well...the doc had me pull down my pants and drawers, bend over his observaion table, and he inserted his lubed latex digit, into my rectum. I CRIED OUT...
Shit! Go on!
...the name of another doctor!

 

So, here I was camping, Bert. I hadda go for a dump in the middle of the night! Outhouse! Pitch black! Pulled my jammies down and as I sat, I felt something cold and wet touch my anus!
by BlackSheep, 5-27-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-27-07
So, Bill...do you know anything about quantum mechanics?
Sure, Bert! They're those guys that fix commercial airliners!
That's Qantas! I'm talking about quantum!
You mean Qantas mechanics?
Umm...ok...let's talk about nano-technology then.
I had some Meccano when I was a kid and built cool stuff!

 

by BlackSheep
5-27-07
I gotta go for my annual prostrate check tomorrow, Bert.
Bill...its prostate not prostrate! You will be prostrate when they check your prostate!
Umm...ok...they're gonna see if my colon is still in one piece then!
Ya...hopefully you won't be stuck with a semi-colon!

Showing page 4.

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