All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

The Day of the Superbowl.
We love you long time , sucky sucky.
Yo Mike , your hooker is here. Hurry up man , the game is about to kick off.
Yeh baby. Now for some old Javier magic.
And its 7-7 here in the first quarter and OH MY GOD the Eagles quarterback has thrown a 92 yard touchdown pass TO HIMSELF.
Heh heh. Whos your fucking daddy!
Its now 48-7 at halftime to the Eagles folks. I never thought id EVER see a touchdown pass caught by a crack baby. Wow.

 

And now , Cameron Diaz will sing the National Anthem as part of our Halftime Show.
Pucker up baby. Here it comes.
Oh Say can you see , by the dawns earl.....ERK , GASP. ARGH!
There you go Potter. Thats for your fucking $200 million box office gross.
Oh my god folks. Cameron Diaz is being strangled by her own underwear. Boomer , is that Versace or Victorias Secret?

 

*unf*unf*unf*unf*unf*unf*
Oohhhh , you big boy. Me want harder. Me want to make sure you get five dollah worth.
HEY MIKE. I JUST MADE HER HEAD IMPLODE.
Hold me Boomer. I think i may be sick.

 

Back bitch. Youve had your time. Anyway. Javier , whats the score man.
Its 96-7 , and were at the two minute warning. I just had Rosie O'Donnell catch the last touchdown.
Astonishing Folks. Those 300lb thighs really have some go in them.
Its over man. Nothing can stop us now. Were rich beyond our wildest dreams.
And straight from kick off , its .... HOLY FUCK , THE STADIUM IS BEING INVADED BY OWLS. MILLIONS OF THEM. ARGH!

 

Oh Fuck. Seems Potters a bit pissed i killed his wife and the mother of his child.
A bit pissed? Javier , he just slaughtered 83,000 people and Boomer Esiason. They were pecked to death by owls.
Yeh. But Boomer had it coming. I remember him playing for Cincinatti.
That doesnt matter. What matters is that he knows it was you , and hes going to be coming after us next.
That specky fuck will never find us. Well , unless he decides he wants an extra value meal.
Boomer? oh God Boomer. Theyre coming for me. I can hear them pecking on the studio window. And they all chanting "Javier"

 

Looking for that present you know will make a difference
Honey. Its my Birthday. Did you manage to get me something worthwhile this time , you useless hunk of shit.
Yes Honey. I thought long and hard about this one , and im going to make this a Birthday you never forget.
That box is tiny. And i bets its contents arent much better. A bit like you.
Yes , but this one comes with that little extra kicker.
The Magnum .45. Solving the need for divorce since 1755. This ad sponsored by the NRA.
Ooh , she swallowed the whole barrel. Shes never done that before.

 

When creating a comic with terrible Characters.
i am teh mad rappist. i awlays nale teh bitch.
poong
Its always worth remembering.
LA LA LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU!
What the fuck are you talking about.
Not all of them want to be in your comic.
Are you squaring up to me. Ill fucking fuck you up. Tobor , fuck that fucker up.
RAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!

 

And then , i jumped over the side of a cliff and swam the entire length of the Amazon to get away from him. Im telling you , i wish i had never found out.
Now Now Mr Bongo. There is nobody here to hurt you. Why dont you just tell me what your problem is , and then we can go back to life as it was.
Im telling you. He KNOWS im here. He has friends in high places. I saw him mountain climbing , and kayaking , and being normal for gods sake.
Youre hysterical for gods sake. Calm down. Just tell me. Who is he. What is it hes done thats so incredibly horrible.
Dont you Understand. GABE BILLINGS IS NOT A COLOSSAL GEEK!
And ill be killing you now to keep that a secret Mr Bongo.

 

So there i was. All alone. Surrounded by the Dark Lord and his minions. I had the one ring. The one to bind them all in my possession. And i knew he was coming for me.
And suddenly i knew. I knew that neither Legolas or Gandalf or Arwen could help me now. I was on my own. I had to fight the most evil force known to man. Alone.
So i cut deep with my sword into the heart of the beast known as Crabby. And he fell , screaming "I do not suck dick" . And in that moment , i became the Lord of the Brown Rings.

 

im sorry i broke the lamp momma.
Im sick of you breaking things. Why cant you be more like your brother.
but ....but ..... but
He never breaks things. Hes always well behaved.
But Momma , Timmy's been dead for over a year.

 

When i was younger , i had a child and they tried to take it away from me.
But i showed them. I smothered it with love.
And a pillow.

 

Right. Breakfast time. Ill go with waffles , sausage , egg and toast please.
Im sorry sir. Weve run out of everything except Fried Penis.
Fried Penis? Well , what does it taste like.
I wouldnt know Sir. Ive had it many other ways , but never fried.
Fetch your boyfriend. Ill sort that problem as of now.
This will teach the bastard to make me dress up as Mother Theresa,

 

RAAR. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Not fucking likely Cuntsplash.

 

Happy Chanukah. Im TV's Matthew Perry from TV's "Friends" , and im here to sing to you about the true meaning of Chanukah.
Hi. Im Adam Sandler , and im here to kick this fat retarded shitnik up and down the studio for ripping off my "Chanukah Song" idea.
You know , i liked you better when you were an angst ridden 80's wedding singer.
I like you better when youre a bleeding puddle of broken limbs on the floor.
*ack*gurgle*
And thats the true meaning of Chanukah kids. Were Jewish. Fuck everyone else!

 

Goshdarnit. Youre a cute lil fella. Whats your name
Cyril , The Exploding Squirrel.

 

Ok folks. Jog through the park. Area is secure. Nothing around but birds and Squirrels.
HOLY FUCK!. The president is down. Repeat , the President is Down.

 

Ok Mr Squirrel. We are agreeable to your terms. 250,000 acorns in non sequential order , in your Swiss Tree Account. Now take out that american base for us.
Owned!

 

Ahhh. Very Good Mr Squirrel. But we have decided it would be cheaper to kill you than to pay you. Goodbye
Fuck this piecemeal shit. Im going to Hollywood.

 

Hi. Big Evil Dan Rather here interviewing the newly appointed "Minister for Donkey Sodomy" Gabe Billings.
Nice to be here Dan. And can i just say ive always liked your show.
Yes , sure. So , tell me , what makes you the ideal choice for this newly created post.
Well , after 20 years of Donkey Sodomy and Wirthling Sucks jokes on Stripcreator brought me to national fame and glory , i figured i should give something back to the people.
And what does being Minister for Donkey Sodomy give back to the people.
It keeps me off the streets and stops me making Wirthling Sucks jokes. Im sure thats what the people want.

 
If only Tobor had been running Duracell.... *sigh*

 
How was i to know that someone would genuinely create an 8ft ass raping robot.

 

*sob*. Michael left me. For my best friend , and it was just as i was walking down the Aisle.
And he took the car , and all the presents , and then he sold the house and left me with nothing.
WELL AT LEAST YOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH!

 

Dear Sir. It has come to my attention that you havent paid any federal taxes on the paypal income you recieved from Stripcreator.com in the last 20 years.
We can remedy this situation simply if you remove all the comics from your database which portray current or former presidents as inept morons.
What can i say Brad. Youre going to jail.
Damn that run on Pretzel gags from 2002.

 

Brigadier , im absoloutely certain that there isnt anything that can go wrong in this episode of friends.
Of course. Thats why were getting paid 100 gazillion trillion dollars an episode to star in the show.
** Cue Canned Applause **
Phoebe , did you hear something? That sounded like an explosion.
Oh , That sounds like Monica's Homemade Claymore mines caught another Network Executive.
Meantime , among the Papparazi.
IM SUING YOU FOR AN INEXPLICABLY UNCONTESTABLE AMOUNT OF MONETARY REPARATIONS MRS COX ARQUETTE!
At least on the set of Ally McBeal we only had to deal with Robert Downey Jr and his Sniper Rifle.

 

God All-fucking mighty. Its 4am and ive got a headache that feels as though ive been pounded on the skull for 16 hours by a giant telescopic phallus.
TOBOR DIDNT SAY A FUCKING WORD!

 

So , ah , LadyJ. You realise that CC101 wasnt anything personal. It was just a funny concept , right? We can shake hands and remains friends , right?
Sure we can. Right after i cut out your liver and fry it with some onions in a spicy tomato sauce.
Ill settle for you not making a CC about me and my forumuser characters rigidity.
"CC104: Kevin Cardboards Perm" - Think up reasons as to why KKP's forum user character looks so lifeless".

 

Javier the Wizard played Mr White in Pulp Fiction.
Mr White. You made it out ok. You killed a couple of cops , kill any real people? Oh , and im Mr Pink.
Mr Pink? HA! Youre a fucking muggle faggot you fucking ass rammer. I bet you ass rammed your way out of the heist.
Hey wait just a damn minute. Im trying to be a professional here.
A professional turd nibbler , you fucking faggotty pink cock smoking faggot.
Fuck Tarantino. Im going back to Arthouse movies and riding Nuclear Weapons like they were horses.
Arthouse Gay porn movies i bet. You fucking ass rammer. I bet youll ride that horse till he shouts "NEIGH"

 

Dude. I think its time we fought back against the stereotypes were portrayed as on this site.
Word. I mean , just because you were born in Compton , and i was Born in Harlem shouldnt mean youre always a Gangsta and im used as a Pimp.
Of course! I mean , im a successful lawyer earning $300k a year and with a house in Malibu.
And im an Arts Graduate specialising in the Philosophies of Socrates and Plato.
So Pimping is your only alternative to working in McDonalds then.
And my Homey in Malibu can hook you up with some sweet lovin for that apartment of yours.

 

In the Red Corner - GW Bush
That there is an axis of evil and ah will , ah say , ah will destroy it.
And in the Blue Corner - Everyone that isnt Europe or America.
Oi. Quit picking on our fragile asian economies you bastard.
Just because we wont accept US Tariffs doesnt make us an axis of evil.

 

Ill open with a daisy cutter , 20,000 troops , and a dozen battleships and aircraft carriers.
That beats the shit out of our handful of rocks and 10yr old Kalashnikovs.
However , we shall wait till the troops start sleeping with our Ebola-infected prostitutes. Then our time will come.

 

Woo! Now , what should i do next Mr Cheney?
That depends. Theres a senate vote on the war this Thursday , so i recommend you nuke Kabul on Wednesday night.
BASTARD! YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!
AND I WANTED TO PIN THE TAIL ON THE TALIBAN SOLDIER AS HE SWUNG FROM THE TREE!

 

Maura ,i know your mother just died , but theres something need to ask of you.
Im ok Pete. Go ahead.
Do you mind if i skullfuck the corpse?
MY FUCKING EYE IS HANGING OUT BY ITS OPTIC NERVE YOU BITCH!
6 inch stiletto's to the face will do that every time.

 

Hi . and welcome to "Name that Spleen" , the contest where we remove all the players spleens ,and they have to work out which one belongs to who.
Ack!
*gurgle*
Help me!
Hmm. Perhaps we should have based this on a less vital organ.

 

JEEZUS FUCKING CHRIST. What was that.
That smells like a wet night in the barn with Granma.
Sorry.

 

Shes the woman who starred in cult classics such as "Deep Throat" and "John Holmes and his incredible 12 inch fanny expander"
Hes a twisted genius with an Army of Daleks at his command.
Together , theyre going to have hardcore sex in every city in America. Tune in to the amazing action of DEBBIE DOES DAVROS!

 

Hes a cop with Gonorrhea.
Goddamn. I never though pissing could be so painful ....or produce so much mucus.
Shes a Child Prostitute with AIDS.
Sucky Sucky Five Dollah.
Its "Randall and Cockslut - Diseased".
Me love you long time
Ahh. Mais Oui my little Chickadee. Chomp down on my Baguette.

 

*sob* And id like to thank my manicurist , my pedicurist , my dog , the man who i buy my morning paper from , and Imelda Marcos for inspiring me to buy lots of shoes.
Thank you Gwyneth. And now , the moment youve all been waiting for .....
*BRAAAAAAAPPPPP*
Well , so much for me farting the national anthem. Heres a talentless manufactured Boy Band. Enjoy!

 

GRAAAH! Officer , its a shocker.
Gee kid , whats the bother?
Good cop , bad hamster eater!
Gabe Billings Ate My Hamster
GAH! what a total rotter
Get him. Shoot his sphincter!
Great idea. An anal raider!

 

GRAAAH! Officer , its a shocker.
Gee kid , whats the bother?
Gabe Billings Ate My Hamster
GAH! what a total rotter
Get him. Shoot his sphincter!
Great idea. An anal raider!

 

In a world where comedy was once king.
Something went horribly wrong , and apathy took over.
Stripcreator presents " CC 112. Out of ideas , and not giving a shit anymore"
If we leave now , we can sneak into Monsters Inc next door.

 
Get your cornholer out of my popcorn Tobor.
RAAR!. TOBOR THOUGHT IT WAS SALTED BUCKET OF MANRAPE!

 

This summer sees the Return of Metropolis' hero.
I hail from the planet Krypton. And i shall end your evil ways right here Luthor.
The man of Steel faces a challenge the likes of which nobody could have imagined.
Horse Riding? yes , why not Lois. What an excellent idea.
This Summer , Superman is .....Quadriplegic.
*click*bzzt*please wipe the drool from my chin Lois.

 

I swear man , she has them all tied together. Threatened to kill me with them once.
Dude , that is harsh.
Im staying in hiding for the rest of my life. Youve no idea what could happen if she hits you with that.
Yeh man. Itll be messy , and theres all kinds of chances of infection.
This Summer , LadyJ is "Used_Tampon_Bola_Woman"
PERM! Youre toast when i find you boy. Im gonna tie you up and beat you senseless.

 

Wow. Good to see so many old faces here Chameleon Boy. I like your Michael Jackson impersonation.
Thanks Sexually Repressed Amazon Lesbian Woman. Glad you could make it.
Gee Drunk by noon sleeps with his sister Man , i didnt think youd show after what happened last year?
I was here last Year , Wants To be Warhol man?
Hey , Big Bastarding Bee with an Attitude man. Bring any stingers for the punch?
Damn straight Canadian yet Sober man. Ill blow those suckers away.

 

So Mrs Dougan , if i sleep with you , i can get to write my own comic for the Evening Times funnies page?
Well Kajun. Its like this you see. Ive done the rest , now i want the best.
Oh God. I just realised ive had Bazilla's sloppy seconds.
And i just realised i havent slept with Andy ........ yet.

 

So Mrs Dougan , if i sleep with you , i can get a sex change op and then youll set me up with Russell Crowe , leading me to surefire oscar success as his leading lady?
Of course. Andy and him are best of friends. Now , let me help you with that zipper.
That wasnt too bad. At least you didnt lick my back like Bazilla did..
At least you didnt ask for me to cram Gerbils up your ass like Spankling did.

 

Hi.And welcome to tonights Edition of Parkinson. My guests tonight will be Sting , Celine Dion , Billy Connolly , and Alanis Morissette.
Anyone wishing to complain about the fact thats the same guests i had on last week can watch ITV , and ill still get paid.
Or you can watch the Porn on channel 5. I know thats what id rather be doing.

 

So , Sting. What made you base your new album on Tibetan Nose Flute music?
I wanted to give listeners a feeling of tantric inner consciousness which theyre deprived of in the west.
Arent you just exploiting another native culture which doesnt realise the value of its traditions , in a show of blatant hypocrisy , Mr "Equality for the world"?
Thats a bit harsh. They got paid well and theyll recieve further monies based on Album Sales.
And why Sting anyway? I mean , fair enough , id want to change my name if i was called Gordon , but .....
Thats it. Youre getting bottled you doddery old cunt.

 

So , Celine Dion , youve got a new album out called "On the Wings of Heavens Angels". What inspired you to call the album that?
I was inspired while i was in church helping local orphans to rebuild their shattered lives.
Is that before or after you gave birth , abandoned your child to a nanny , and then fucked off on a 6 month round the world tour , massacring popular hits in front of live audiences?
Can i sing that song from Titanic now?

 

So , Billy Connolly. This is the 228th time ive had you on here to boost ratings. Tell me , does this time feel any different to you than last time you were here?
Jobbies!
Perhaps your round the world tour , your brushes with death , your wifes new autobiography , your battles with Child abuse , have given you some new stories to tell us.
Big Jobbies!
And there you have it folks. Billy Connolly still doing the same routine 32 years later. Lets hope he dies soon so we can all shit on his grave.
Big Jobbies With WELLIES!

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