All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
8-13-01
Embarrassment for the Daily Record
It transpires Firsat Dag wasn't an illegal immigrant after all. We've been printing blatant mistruths all week. Now we look like imbeciles.
I can't understand it! He was fleeing the Turkish government, so I logically thought it would be sensible to ask that same government about what sort of person he was. Who'da thunk they might lie!
Well, we may have harmed our credibility. We'd better get this next story right. Apparently some black person's been killed in the American south.
Ooo, I'll get the KKK to give us a character reference for him!

 

by andydougan
8-13-01
Gaza City
When I grow up, I hope to live in a peaceful country where you don't constantly fear for your life.
Glasgow
When I grow up, I hope to have thirty children by twelve different women, all of whom I beat half to death.
Paki cunt!

 

by andydougan
8-21-01
Across the country, proud Conservatives receive their ballot papers!
Aw no, they wrote "Conservative Party" on the envelope! The postman will have seen it!
The make their choices carefully, knowing full well how much is at stake!
I'm in such a bad mood today, I'm going to vote for Iain Duncan Smith.
With a keen optimism, they look to the future!
We...are...fucking...doomed.

 

by andydougan
8-21-01
Margaret Thatcher, former Prime Minister, throws her hat into the ring.
I support Iain Duncan Smith!
In fact, if Ken Clarke wins, I will commit suicide!
Two thousand, I think we agreed?
Nice doing business with you!

 

by andydougan
8-22-01
Argh, dialed the wrong number *again*. My kingdom for gloves!

 

by andydougan
8-22-01
The unemployed should stop slacking and get jobs! Gays should be castrated! Old people should be euthenised!
I'd like to distance myself from those remarks...

 

by andydougan
8-24-01
Iain Duncan Smith, Tory leadership candidate, and David Davis, his lieutenant
It's just come out that one of your activists does work on the side for the BNP.
In fact, the guy's son is the leader of the BNP. Not only that, but his wife stood against you in your seat at the last general election.
How embarrassing.
Count your blessings. At least she lost.

 

by andydougan
8-24-01
Iain Duncan Smith, Tory leadership candidate, and David Davis, his lieutenant
Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that Ken Clarke may be involved in smuggling.
The bad news is that only a moron would vote for you.
How are the polls?
You're in front by 12%.

 

by andydougan
8-24-01
No one wants asylum seekers here. That's ordinary Tory grassroots opinion. The Conservatives and BNP are almost politically identical.
That Edgar Griffin! Has he lost his mind?! The Tories have enough trouble getting votes without him coming out with this nonsense!
Sigh...I remember when I was leader...the hopes...the dreams...the tears... Ah, me. I suppose you only appreciate the fancy-freedom of youth through old eyes...
Hoi! Baldo! There's willies to be waashed back here!

 

by andydougan
8-29-01
Eliza, cyberpsychiatrist
Does talking about this bother you?
Er, no, why would it bother me? I just said that I need a haircut. This quiff keeps attracting funny looks.
Do you feel strongly that er, no, why would it bother me? I just said that I need a haircut. This quiff is getting ridiculous.
Hell with it. This isn't solving anything.
I mean that in the existential sense, of course.

 

by andydougan
8-29-01
That last strip made no sense. I apologise.
Remember, in the third, your ass goes down!

 

by andydougan
8-29-01
Andy Dougan, film critic, and Russell Crowe, New Zealander actor
So, Andy, what d'you make of this Tory leadership contest?
I dunno. I'm not very interested in it, to be honest. I've voted Labour out of habit all my life and don't care about the Tories.
I prefer just to make comic strips making fun of you for being shallow.
Suck my dick.

 

by andydougan
8-31-01
Washington DC, 21st century
Them thar Harry Potter books is leadin' to the DE-cline of decent society! Our children is bein' corrupted!
Los Angeles, 20th century
Like, I am TOTALLY invisible! This spell like SO rocks! And stuff!
Salem, 17th century
Great. They left airholes. Now I'm going to thirst to death.

 

by andydougan
9-04-01
Congratulations! The job's yours!
Thank you, boss! I can promise you, I'll be the hardest-working traffic warden on the force! I won't let the grass grow under my feet!
Funny, I could've sworn I left the car here...
Sir, you overran the metred time by two minutes. I've had your car towed away and impounded.
Well, looks like you were right about the grass. Ho ho!

 

by andydougan
9-05-01
I'm stoned and pished, so please excuse this strip.
Ken Clarke Esquire! Dude!
George Iain Duncan Smith! Only the winner can go back in time! Sadly, it looks like that'll be you.
The usual thoughtful, on-the-mark satire will resume presently.
Like, those two idiots running for the Tory leadership aren't really us! They're evil robot uses!
Mr. Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately. Oops, wrong film.
You've sunk my battleship!
Excuse me, Death, but, uh, your shoelaces are untied. MOHH!

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
I hope you've learned your lesson, son. If there's any masturbating going on under my roof, I'll be the one doing it!
Yes, paw. Sorry, paw.
Right. Now, when you've hammered that nail in, I've got several more in this bag.
No! Paw! They're not nails! That's...
Seconds later...
HEAVENS!
...a large incendiary device. *sigh*

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
What ho, my good fellow! Wouldst thou be so noble as to direct me to the nearest hostelry wherein a man may sate his thirst with a flagon of ale and his weariness with a clean bed?
Gad! What manner of hellish travesty be this? I would perish ere I be tempted by its blasphemies and lusts! A blessing, then, that I am with a casket of trinitrotoluene equipped!
You wound me, sirrah! 'Tis no fault of mine that my lineaments offend thee!
Avaunt, denizen of the nether-realms! Mine ears are deaf to thy ruses!

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
Isn't this pathetic, making a strip just in order to use the new characters and background?
Yes. Very pathetic.
Hey, doc, do you know anything about nuclear FISHion?! Har har!
Shut up. Hey, where's the gangster with cement shoes?

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
What do you call this?
A good start!

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
Tonight, Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes!
Gasp! Y-you don't mean...
Chris quean, we're daft!
Agreed. Now let's go and have sex in a haystack.

 

by andydougan
9-07-01
The Nth dimension
Hello. Russell Crowe, one-time Academy Award winner, two-time Academy Award nominee, and recurring character in these strips, here.
You didn't deserve it for "Gladiator", though.
Penfold. Shush. Now, I'm here to complain about the last ten or so strips, which were all either comic contest entries or just plain dim.
You mean like how, for example, in order to understand the last strip, the reader had to have knowledge of both Francis Ford Coppola's "The Godfather" and Lewis Grassic Gibbon's "Sunset Song"?
Exactly. The Tory Party election has four days to go and all we're seeing is stupid strips about fish. No more silliness until the end of said election, plizz.
Due to the lack of a punchline, I'm just going to stand here and look amusing.

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
I am just a poor boy though my story's seldom told. I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises.
I'll help you to win the election! I'm behind you 100%!
All lies and jests. Still, a man hears what he wants to hear and he disregards the rest.
You stand a good chance of becoming Prime Minister...WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!! Lol!
When I left my home and my family I was no more than a boy in the company of strangers. Seeking out the poorer quarters where the ragged people go, looking for the places only they would know.
You want to address the Conservative Party Conference, son? Good on you!

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
Iain Dunkin' Smith, Tory leadership candidate, and David Davis, his partner in crime
The big day is almost upon us! In all honesty, how do you rate my chances?
Well, in the latest poll by the Daily Telegraph, you had a 99.99% lead over Ken Clarke.
But it's really too late to say.
Too late?
Yeah. Thirty years ago most of the Tory membership might have known what they were on about, but not now.

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
Ken Clarke, Tory leadership possibility, and Anne Widdecombe, his sidekick
How can I be losing to a man who doesn't even have properly shaped eyebrows?
Pah! We Tories never listen to opinion polls. The poll that counts is on the day!
You mean like it was in the general election?
There's no need to be facetious.

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
Iain Duncan Smith addresses the party faithful
Every week in Prime Minister's Question Time, William Hague wiped the floor with a stammering Tony Blair. He then went on to a disastrous general election.
I, on the other hand, am a boring and uninvolving speaker. It follows, then, that I can lead the Tories to new heights! Vote for me!
Well?
You're up 10%.

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
Hello there, sir! Are you by any chance a Conservative?
Errr...maybe. Who wants to know?
I'm Ken Clarke. You must have seen me in some form of media lately. Have you voted yet?
Voted? Are we having another election? The last one doesn't seem five years ago...
No, it's an intra-Tory election. You're supposed to elect a leader for the party. Didn't you get a ballot paper in the post?
I don't get any post ever since that time I forgot to get dressed before answering the door.

 

by andydougan
9-10-01
If I win, should I offer Kenneth Clarke a place in my shadow cabinet?
Yeah, it would be the polite thing to do. Also, it's safe, because he'll never accept it. He's yesterday's man and he knows it.
Whereas tomorrow belongs to me! There'll be no poofy Europeans telling us what to do when *I'm* in charge! My dad fought in the war to make sure of that!
Yes, Iain. Could you give me that bottle you're holding?
Sure, why?
I want to beat my own brains out with it.

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Ken Clarke and Iain Duncan Smith, former media darlings
Y'know, Iain, before yesterday, we were the main news item in the UK.
But now we're nobodies.
Still, at least they've postponed the announcement of the result. So I get a reprieve.
Yeah, you'll only find out tomorrow that you've lost.
I'll be drowning my sorrows at the post-announcement party.
Actually, there's bad news on that, too. Hee!

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Hey, Andy, why was that last strip so crap?
It was, er, um, a mark of respect. Yes, that's it.
I suppose that's your excuse for this one, too.
Yes, actually.

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
It was a silly contest, anyway. Didn't want to win it. Really.
I will lurk in the shadows, perhaps taking a front bench position. My time will come. I can wait. I can wait.
Subterfuge, thy name is Michael Denzil Xavier! You think you've seen the last of me, eh? Ha ha ha...
If I lose tomorrow, I'm washed up. I'm 93 and can't possibly contest the leadership again. Out with a whimper, not a bang.
I will most likely win. Unfortunately, "win" seems to mean being made the laughing stock of the country for four years, before being righteously annihilated at the next general election.
Civilisation and democracy as we know them have been destroyed, and all I can do is make comics about the Tories.

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Good luck for tomorrow, baldie!
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!
What she said.
Commiserations in advance, fatso!

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Conservative Party Leadership Election: final result announcement
May I have the envelope, please?
Here you go.
Thanks!
Right, let's see...

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Ah, here we are! Ladies and gentlemen! The new leader of the Conservative and Unionist Party is...
Oops! Dropped it!
Now, where can it be?

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
Let me think here...where did I last see it?
You were looking straight at it. Here it is.
Oh, how silly of me. Thank you.
Okay! The new leader of the Tory Party...

 

by andydougan
9-12-01
...iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssss...

 

by andydougan
9-13-01
Oh n-
Oh YES!

 

by andydougan
9-13-01
Ken Clarke, leadership election loser, and Michael Portillo, leadership election loser
In comic #26263 you said, and I quote, "no one in their right mind would vote for Iain Duncan Smith".
Yes?
Well it turns out you were right! ARGH!

 

by andydougan
9-13-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
In other news, Iain Duncan Schmidt inherits poisoned chalice! Er, I mean wins the Tory leadership. John Pienaar. He on the scene.
Congratulations. What would you say to those who dub you "Hague Mark II", and say there's no way you'll appeal to non-Tories?
I'd say that it's not appropriate at this time of sadness to ask awkward questions which I can't answer.
I see.
We should concentrate on more pertinent matters, such as the fact that the tragedy in the US clearly illustrates that we have to clamp down on asylum seekers.

 

by andydougan
9-17-01
George Walker Bush, chimpanzee
The Talerbun has three days to hand over Sinbad lin Baden. Cos he done killed in'cent folks and shit.
If'm they fails to cumply, us here in 'merica will bomb the livin' shit outta Afganastania, thereby killing more in'cent folks an' creatin' support for bin Laden, who will, by the way, survive.
Paki CUNT!

 

by andydougan
9-20-01
You heard it on the radio, you seen it on a TV show!
Ass to the G!
Ass to the motherfuckin' city.

 

by andydougan
9-20-01
Question Time with Davids Dimbleby, future BBC chairman, and Davis, new Conservative Party chairman
How long until the Lib Dems become the second party?
Mad person in the audience
BWAHH! ITS DISGRACEFUL THAT THE LIB DEMS THINK THEYRE SO GREAT THE TORYS ARE WONDERUFLA DN AINA DUNCN SMITH IS GOD
We'll ignore that! David Davis?
What do I care? I'm going to be Prime Minister in 2010.

 

by andydougan
9-20-01
Question Time with David Dimbleby
Howcum the two most powerful men in the BBC are New Labour cronies?
Er! Watch it. To whom are you referring?
VOTE
LABOUR
You. I mean, other people.
Guards!

 

by andydougan
9-22-01
There once was an old man named wirth,
Ling who thought he'd try to cause some mirth,
By giving me a false name,
To distract from his shame,
Caused by his penis's small girth.
True story.

 

by andydougan
9-22-01
Well, you've got a girl's haircut!
Okay, you win.

 

by andydougan
9-22-01
Gaza City
The west bank should belong to Israel! It was given to the Jews by God!
Infidel! It's the sacred property of Palestine! It was given to the Muslims by Allah!
I got stoned last night.

 

by andydougan
9-23-01
Taped police interview with Dr Pedantic
Okay, doc, could you tell us where you were on the night of September 22nd?
Reading my dictionary at home, whilst not murdering Asian girls.
I put it to you that you sticked Asiangirl2 in the microwave at defrost setting, and you're non-repentant and would do it again.
I STUCK Asiangirl2 in the microwave at defrost setting, and I'm UNrepentant and would do it again.
Thanks for the taped confession.
Shit.

 

by andydougan
9-24-01
YES! HA HA HA HA! AFTER ALL THIS TIME! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN! ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!
WELL, IF IT ISN'T RUSSELL CROWE! HOW'S MY FAVOURITE LUVVIE ON THIS WONDERFUL DAY?
I take it you finally won a Comic Contest, then.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...AH WE USED TO SING! SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA TE DA, LA TE DA!

 

by andydougan
9-27-01
Andy Dougan, film critic and comic contest winner, and Russell Crowe, actor and Oscar winner
So, how did you like running Comic Contest 66?
It was good fun. So much, in fact, that I considered making another username so that I could award the next contest to it, then back to me, and so on ad infinitum.
But I thought the others might see through that ploy.
It's really about time you went outside.

 

by andydougan
9-28-01
Gasp! kramer_vs_kramer is from Glasgow!
I guess that explains his knowledge of pillars of Glaswegian culture like neds, the Evening Times and Oscar One-Three.
It also means I can kiss goodbye to my forum gimmick...

 

by andydougan
9-28-01
ur gay ha ha!
boohoo how coudl yuo say taht.
im sorry i didnt meen it
NO!!!!! APOLOGIES ARE UNACEPTABLE NOW? I WILLL TURN IN TO A MONSTAR ADN RAPE YUO - - - IN THE ARS!!!! SPREDEM BITCH!!!!!!
nO NO PLEASE DONT RAPE ME IN TEH ARS
UH UH SAY MTY NAEM SLUT!!!!1!!!.

Showing page 4.

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