All comics by atomiclunch

Profile

 

by atomiclunch
10-12-15
Arrrr! Ye be a strappin' young lad! Come join my crew and live a life of adventure and booty plundering!
Father Mike, this wasn't what I was planning for when I signed up to be the acolyte.
Also, I'm not sure this sort of behavior is befitting a man of the cloth. You lied and said it was going to be Naughty Juvi Guard this week. What would Jesus say?
Arrr, e'd tell ya to "go ahead and let 'im plunder yer booty, anyway!"
Heehee, better catch me if you wanna buckle my swash!

 
by atomiclunch, 10-12-15

 

by atomiclunch
10-13-15
Stardate 93385.18: The Chen Research Lab in the Omega Quadrant has gone offline, Ensign C Fodder has been dispatched to search for the whereabouts of Dr. Chen.
*gasp* No one told me it was so dark and scary here. I need a tribble!
*cough* Hel -
*PEW*                                    ZZZZZT!
AAAAAGH!!
YOWZA!
Dr. Chen! What a relief! You've been out of contact. What's wrong?
Well, the sun went out about 2 days ago so the solar panels aren't for shit. Tell starfleet to stick a crowbar in their wallet and send out a fucking backup generator! Jeez.

 

by atomiclunch
10-14-15
My neighbor has a dog that yaps every night until 11. Problem is, the owner is old and infirm so I don't want to raise hell over it. Now, don't get me wrong, I like dogs, still, I keep hoping...
BARK!          YAP!          ARF!
Behind their house, is another, larger dog that frequently has verbal sparring contests with my neighbor's mutt...
Hey, he jumped the fence, that's new.
ROWLF! ROWLF! ROAR! arf! bark! yip?
CRUNCH! SLOBBER! DROOL! GULP!
Good boy, Cthulhu!!
*urp*

 

by atomiclunch
10-14-15
The next morning, I paid a visit to Poquito's factory, "Roboquito, Inc." I had Poquito's blessing and I figured this would be smooth sailing... As usual, I figured wrong.
Understand this, I don't like you, I don't like you being here and I don't care if Poquito is okay with this. You overstep even ONCE, I'll tenderize you, Roast.
Right, Chen. I'm not here for trouble.
The office manager said I'd find Barry out on the floor and that he'd "stand out". I think I see why Poquito was so surprised.
Stuart, you're going to have to use your protective gear out here.
Why is that, B?
This was getting... interesting.
You look fab-u-lous but we wouldn't want you to get caught in the conveyor and rip a nipple off!
Okay, I'll get my leather apron.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
This guy seemed friendly enough. Just making the morning rounds at the factory.
Morning, Tobor!
TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU!
I may rethink accepting Lana's thermometer, however.
We'll talk.
YAY! TOBOR HAS LUBE!
I'll have to put a tail on him when he clocks out.
The hell are you doing, Roast? I oughta smack the fuck outta you!
Just gathering info. Uh, "smack the fuck outta you"? That's not very noir. Spillane is probably spinning in his grave right now.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
Lana texted me last night to tell me that her Chen was indeed, the specimen in front of me at this moment. THIS is her Beefcake Adonis?
What'd I tell you, Roast?
Something that involved tenderizing, as I recall.
Chen was a loose cannon but I was going to have to follow him, too.
This is your last warning, you're in my crosshairs, on my radar, behind my 8-ball, -
That's it! Now you have your noir mojo working!
I hoped that I'd reached my quota of surprises for the day.
I need some chamomile tea.
"beefcake adonis", right.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
What's this?
Hey Chen, what's the matter?
A guy was mocking me.
Now I feel ineffectual.
"Beefcake Adonis"
and like i'm not a special snowflake.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
Don't let it get to ya. Guy's probably an a-hole, anyway.
You're right, B. Thanks!
Meeting still scheduled for later?
Yeah, usual time and office.
Well, he's certainly a dedicated employee.
Hey hon, I have to work late. They threw an after hours production meeting at me.
*sniff* Okay sweetie, I'll keep dinner and.. other things.. warm for you.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
3:30 p.m.
Well, I have to leave early for an appointment. Have a good evening Susan.
See you tomorrow, Barry. Say hi to Lana for me.
I thought he was working late. Better start tailing him. This could be IT!
Now, where's my car?
Later at the Flee Bag Arms motel and skin shop.
Ah, good ol' Room 217.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
At the Flee Bag Arms...
Hey Sam, here's 20 bucks, did a guy just go by here in a hurry?
Yeah, musta been ready to go, too. I swear he was dropping trou on the way to 217. You're in pretty deep, aren't ya?
217? Thanks. I'll just run over there and check out... Wait, what?
Most people don't mess with Chen. You know, I heard that one time a guy threw a punch at him and Chen bit his fist off.
Chen, too. Hm. Interesting. Thanks, Sam. We never had this convo.
BIT. IT. OFF. Chuckles.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
I set up surveillance on Room 217
Let the meeting come to order! I'll start! Boy, you got a purty mouth!
You know just what I need!
Wait. What kind of meeting IS this?
You look jus' like a hawg!
Oh yeah.
Unless these two were working in the cable tv industry, I don't think this was a business meeting!
Squeal for me boy! Squeal for me!
WEEEEE! WEEEEEE! WEEEEEE!

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
After the first hour or so, I figured I had enough info for Lana so I put away the recorder and eyeballed the door for a while. Then -
Holy crap! My head is still spinning. Oh, wipe your chin, Chen.
That was fantastic! I'm not gonna feel a fart for DAYS!
I ran toward the exit as quietly as I could. Just when I thought I was home free...
ROAST! What the HELL are you doing, you bastard? AH-AHHH-AH-CHOO!
See, everyone was afraid of Chen, he had a rep as a total, death-eating badass. I knew something that almost no one else knew, though. And I had a plan.
I know, my allergies are acting up, too. Here, have a handkerchief.
Don't mind if I do. Before I turn you into so much hamburger.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
I knew that he had a weakness. Chen had a glass... well... a glass everything.
Sinuses clear now?
You're going down for this, Roast!
This would probably take care of itself. He was telling the truth, at least halfway. He DID blow his nose.
What happened, Mr. Chen?
He attacked me as I was blowing my nose! Look at me!
And that, is exactly ALL that happened before security came and picked us up.
Okay, Mr. Chen. Let us just go review the video feed of the incident and then we'll call the police.
Umm. You know, I think I'll just let it go. Chuck and I were just roughhousing, yeah, that's it. Not a thing to see here.

 

by atomiclunch
10-15-15
It was good to get back to my place. I was going to need to do some serious drinking to erase the past couple of hours from my cortex. I also had to feed the duck.
Oy! The screaming! and the smell of burning rubber!
opp opp
I had to meet with Lana tomorrow and fill her in. That wasn't going to go smoothly. Dames don't like hearing that their husbands are fooling around with their boyfriends who are also THEIR boyfriends.
Well, nothing ELSE can go wrong, today.
*purrr* C'mere Chuck! I have something special for you!
This could ONLY be trouble.
This is trouble, I'd wager.
It's no trouble at all, rumproast! I'm very limber.

 

by atomiclunch
10-16-15
Gabe woke up this mornin, Ready to go do some whackin' Said "god blessed this heah unit!" And I gots to git crackin'
God give 'im a kick Knocked him out of his shoes
Gabe got the meat-packin', spleen-smackin', teeth-clackin' nuclear nut-rackin' blues

 

by atomiclunch
10-18-15
Berlin or thereabouts: 1938
Zeige mir jene Pullover Welpen, Phreaky
Soho: Now
?

 

by atomiclunch
10-19-15
The future, long after Skynet...
Oh my, yes, Neo. We've installed a bootleg copy of Windows ME in your brain, donchaknow. In the hopes that it will be pulled into the matrix next time you connect.
Whoa. This will cause the matrix to crash! Freeing us at last!
Uh, Duality. Are you sure you uploaded Win ME? This doesn't feel right.
Dammit! Someone uploaded an old version of MS Office by mistake! NOOOOO!!
*RCLG Shoutout*
Hi, it looks like you're having a hard time being a battery. Let me recharge you!
Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay! Uninstall, please!

 

by atomiclunch
10-20-15
Since I was very young I realized I never wanted to be human size So I avoid the crowds and traffic jams They just remind me of how small I am
Tall, tall, tall I want to be tall, tall, tall As big as a wall, wall, wall As big as a wall, wall, wall
Because of this longing in my heart I'm going to start the growing art
And if I'm not tall, tall, tall, then I will crawl, crawl, crawl
I'm going to grow now and never stop Think like a mountain, grow to the top
Because I'm not tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall

 

by atomiclunch
10-20-15
A few years ago, I worked in a big box Home Improvement warehouse. The HR person and I didn't always see eye to eye.
Hey Lunch, remember last Thursday?
Hmm, oh yeah. I got here and Rich was the only guy in the dept. that showed up. He was swamped with customers. So I got right to work.
Pretty much anyone who has worked in retail has been here.
Yes, you did. You punched in at 9:27 instead of 9:30. You know that's against company policy.
What can I tell ya, he'd been by himself since open. He needed help.
The bad part, I've had a hard time finding work lately and I'll be doing it again, soon. With a different company, though.
That's 3 minutes, Lunch. THREE. MINUTES. The rules say you can't do that.
Independent thought is kinda shrouded in mystery for you, isn't it?

 
by atomiclunch, 10-21-15

 

by atomiclunch
10-22-15
Hey Billy. Listen, Megan asked me to talk to you. I hear you're putting the meat to her on the regular lately and she says, well, that you could use a little more... experience.
Oh God, Mrs. McMillan. This is SO embarassing. You must want to string me up!
Relax, Billy. Call me Bev. You just need a good teacher. Come up to my room, I'll get you up to speed. Megan asked me to help, and Jim isn't delivering so I could use some action, myself. Win-win!
Well um, okay... Bev. *blush* I guess if it's okay with you and Megan...
I've never seen anything like it, Mrs. White. Billy was found in an alley and it seems that his brain was somehow sucked all the way down into his penis.
Huh, the little fucker DID think with the little head. I KNEW it!

 

by atomiclunch
10-23-15
Ralph gave me a good kick. My balls must have bounced into one of these cubbies. Any luck over there, Barry?
Mmmhmm.
What was that, Barry?
Mmph nargl grrble plrk.
Goddammit, Barry. Spit 'em out! Good googly-moogly!
But all the flavor isn't gone, yet!

 

by atomiclunch
10-24-15
Look out crime...
H'lo
umm, hey.
A new breed of heroes is taking the world by storm!
I'm baconman.
I'm psycho bunny. We solve crimes and stuff, I guess.
Like a well-oiled machine!
Just waitin' for the pork signal.
Yup. I've been meaning to say that I don't feel that I'm represented by that. I mean, I'm not pork, y'know. Hell, I'm vegan fer cornssake.

 

by atomiclunch
10-24-15
Hi, I'm baconman! You must be The Fireman.
Uh, yeah. How could you tell, genius.
NO detail is too small to escape the keen eyes of me and psychobunny!
So, yeah, It's the outfit. Let's get to know each other. Next round is on me.

 

by atomiclunch
10-24-15
We're the new heroes 'round these parts and we heard that you were... OMG What a cute kitty!
So, what's your schtick, fireman? Arson? B&E using your hook and ladder? Using the siren to flout traffic laws?
Hadn't thought of the siren one, good job, PB.
I'm just a fireman. Put out fires, save cats, etc.
Yeah? Well, we're keeping an eye on YOU. So just... Watch it! SQUEE!!! KITTYKITTYKITTY!

 

by atomiclunch
10-24-15
Hmm
Clear here.
Good here.
AAAAAAAA!!!!
Ah-HAH! So THIS is what you do! Officers! Get the Shop-Vac and take 'im away!
Looks like you caught me. Problem is, I can only do it once.

 

by atomiclunch
10-24-15
9 A.M.
Alright, Chen! We're on to you and your plan to ruin happy hour all over the city!
You're too late, Pajamabunny! As we speak, my henchmen are replacing all the beer in the city with Milwaukee's Best! MWAHAHAHA!
9:10 A.M.
You may think you've won, Bacon. This isn't over, not over at all. Ha! HAHA! HAHAHAH! *cough*
Your plot never got a"head" with baconman and psychobunny on the job! Wait. What's THAT supposed to mean?
9:20 A.M.
Great job taking Chen down, PB. Didn't even have to use your fists! Oh well. HALF-DAY! Let's get a couple of beers to celebrate!
Bud Light Lime for everyone! On ME! HAHAHAHA

 

by atomiclunch
10-26-15
Hi, i'm here from Stygian office machines and I have a work order to repair a copier. Is this the right office?
Ya think?
Is that the exorcist I called for?

 

by atomiclunch
10-26-15
Introspection.
Why? Why do I do these things? Carefully planning the capture, torture, killing, and sometimes eating of innocents.
Is my own sense of alienation such that i've gone past internalization back to externalization and it manifests itself as truly anti-social behavior?
Into action!
Yeah, probably. THIS time, however, it's because what happened on Walking Dead last night can NOT stand.

 

by atomiclunch
10-27-15
Look, YOU try eating nothing but decomposing alewives day in and day out. All I wanted was a little variety. So I made myself a kinda, sampler plate.
That would be fine in the wild, Carl but this is an aquarium. We have RULES here. You can't eat your fellow inhabitants.
Dammit, one's a bully and the other was just so damned smug all the time, can you blame me?
Oh, I totally agree with you. Still, I don't care for my neighbors, but you don't see me making them into a casserole, do you?
I DO remember you dropping some extra-tasty chum in the pond for about a week or so...
That's not important right now. At any rate, we're putting you in a separate tank because you're understandably on a couple of very bad shit-lists right now.

 

by atomiclunch
10-27-15
Dude! Quit blocking my gills with your lungs!
Try living with cold, wet lungs, you dumpster with fins! Maybe try chewing your food sometime, you polyphyodontic swimming seagull.
Guys, guys! This was the best I could do with what I had to work with. Now, you 're in this for the long haul, so you're going to have to try to get along.
I'd better get out of here before they realize that they share a digestive tract and no anuses.
I'll bet this is the weirdest case you've ever had, eh?
It's unusual but oddly enough, a few years ago, the wife and I took a vacation -

 

by atomiclunch
10-27-15
" - in Africa. A safari, actually."
But, I was just teaching them about nature.
Sid, this is a game preserve, we have vets that can do that. You don't need to show them porn. We're cutting off your internet access.
Guys, I did what I could. At least you're still alive.
Yes, you naughty, naughty ellies! No more pachypornotube.com for you!
"Hey honey, let's try anal tonight! It'll be fun!" "Oh no, of COURSE it won't get stuck!"
Jeez! Alright already. I said I was sorry! I should've gotten the K-Y. Well, at least I came.

 

by atomiclunch
10-28-15
Dude, sorry to hear your dad died from gonorrhebola after screwing Candy the other night.
Yeah, i was pretty down about it at first but then I had an idea. If my mom were to -
This just in: F-16's have shot down that runaway blimp!
Holy shit! You know what this means?
Orphan! Score!!

 

by atomiclunch
10-30-15
I hear you have a centipede problem.
Yes, they're everywhwere. You're an exterminator?
My brother is. I'm just helping him out while he's swamped.
Well, as long as you can fix the problem, have at it. What's the plan?
Very good. First I find them, then I catch them, then I join them together, end to end.
My GOD. The Centipede-Centipede!

 

by atomiclunch
10-31-15
"It was the late 21st century. The GMO wars were long past. Monsanto had won. In the aftermath, there was famine & riots. In that order. Thus the riots were somewhat lethargic.
Okay, let's see---
"The survivors were desperate, with hope dying, they needed a hero. Someone to lead them, to give them the will to continue. From the wastelands this hero appeared..."
Hmm.. No.
Let's save the world!
"Alas, this was not   "It WAS the hero   the hero they had    they deserved..."     wanted."
OW! HEY!
Everybody strap on a chicken and let's DO DIS!

 

by atomiclunch
10-31-15
Wow! All this sex, drugs and meditation has been great!
Arf!
Ha Ha, no. We have Scabies. LOL
Byeetch!
Why are you stealing my girl? Now I have to find another one!
Umm.. Bork?

 

by atomiclunch
11-02-15
Oh great oracle, I've traveled far to seek your counsel, to get your assistance in creating the perfect song lyric.
Well, you're here now. What do you need from me?
I'm trying to write a hit song and I need a lyric so deep and meaningful that it will cause young women to instantly burst into tears and get buck naked. Every. Time.
How about "I never met a girl like you until we met".
Holy shit! I'm wet! How's that even possible? That's brilliant! What else ya got?
"It doesn't take a genius to tell chicken shit from chicken salad"

 

by atomiclunch
11-03-15
Hey everybody, the chili's just about ready!
Did you make it spicy this time?
Just the way you like it!

 

by atomiclunch
11-16-15
Another Thanksgiving with the Lundquists
Barb, the turkey was simply amazing this year! What's your secret.
Thank you, dear. I can't take ALL the credit, tho. I got a few tips from our friend Rick.
Earlier that week...
Rick, how do you make your turkey so moist and delicious?
Preparation is key, I brine it in my own blend of herbs and spices. It's normally a secret, but for you, Barb, I'll divulge.
Yay! George will be so pleased!
I find that a good 5k run gets it tasty but not overpowering. 10k for a bigger bird. If you have a free hand, I also have a gravy recipe...

 

by atomiclunch
11-17-15
North Pole - December 26, 9 a.m.
*yawn* Oy! What a hangover. Last thing I remember was landing the sleigh and then Lou, the assistant Easter Bunny waving a bottle of Everclear around. I hope I had fun...
This appears to be a message... Someone, somewhere -
AAIIEE!!! What the hot-buttered fuck?! Rudolph?
- is less than gruntled.
Next time I ask for a bunny, it better be a cute, fluffy one, you fat, quiescently frozen fucksicle!
Why is there a reindeer ass in the freezer? I told you I wanted carrots, goddammit!

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
As Ragu4u "prepares" for his match with the undertaker
Ragu! Fear not, I have a solution!
Atomiclunch? What can you do? You're just a purveyor of stale jokes and hack writing.
Oh, not me. I've brought a friend!!
Yeah? A "friend"...
The game changer...
What fr...
From da fyootchah!

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
Well? What do you think?
Dude, no one is going to think that's me...
Not yet. They will. Future Toominator has a couple of tricks up his sleeve.
Like what?
Stayp closuh, rahgoofowryoo, ah must tutch yoo.

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
Touch me? I don't know. This sounds just a tad bit homoerotic for my tastes.
Ah em uh mahsheen, rahgoofowryoo, thair iz no erahtic aspekt, now, ah will tutch you.
Oh, that's kind of nice, you have soft hands for a murderous cyborg, I must say.
YAY!
Ho-lee schnikes!

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
You. You're... Me!
This just may work, after all.
Yah, dis weel wuhrk. Ah em ah perfekt cloan ahv yoo.
So, I guess you go to training and I hid... er... keep a low profile until this is over. Just don't speak...
Wye naht?

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
Later...
Ha! I KNEW Ragu would kick your ass! Not so badass now, are ya?
Nicetry, that'snotwhathappened atall,dickweed.
A short time earlier...
Oh, you must be Ragu4u. Nice to meet you.
Mm.
Not much of a a talker, eh? Look, what say we go downstairs and have a couple of drinks, I know I have to kick your ass and all, but that's just business, nothing personal.
'k

 

by atomiclunch
11-26-15
Al Cohol's serves up a mean Mai Tai, C'mon, I'm buying!
Deploy deemin cawfee.
*BANG* *CRASH* *THUMPATHUMPA* *CRUNCH*
What the fuck is this shit? I'm slipping!! Mmm, demon coffee...
So, how ya like Ragu now? And how are you feeling?
RAGU4U IS A MENACE TO SOCIETY. I'veneverbeensowired! Let'spickupthebuilding andmoveitacrossthestreet. Andthenback. Andthendoitagain.

 

by atomiclunch
11-28-15
Marco!
Chen!
What?
My name's neither Marco nor Polo, you post-lobotomized troglodyte, it's Chen. C-H-E-N.
Marco...
POLO!

 

Biggest astronomical event in history, the double moon, and I'm stuck in a cell with Throbbo the clown and his engorged boner. Fuckin' tequila.
by atomiclunch, 11-30-15

 

by atomiclunch
12-01-15
Why. Are. You. Here?
Come on in, Chuck. I'm not going to bite you... Well, unless you say "please".
You. You let her in here? Are you trying to get me iced? Why?
Opp! (.)(.)
Caught up in the rip currents of history, Chuck decides to go with the..flow.
Let's see, I should have condoms here...
Mmm, I love the smell of burning rubber. Oh, by the way, It's my time of the month... Oh, and we're gonna need the duck...

Showing page 4.

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