All comics by callie_chan

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by callie_chan
2-06-03
I'll show you, asshat! I'll draw myself back in as YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!
Ha-HA! So NOW what're you gonna do?! I'll say yes until your ears bleed!
*ZAP*
Two words, Calli. Ta. Ser.
This gets old.

 

by callie_chan
2-06-03
Calli finally gets herself drawn back in.
So what's this about BGG plotting against me?
Hmmm. This calls for some strategy.
...or, y'know, my old friend the axe murderer.
It's been almost five minutes since I shoved the sharp end of this thing up someone's ass. I feel the need to kill again.

 

by callie_chan
2-06-03
BGG's hopes to get revenge on me are valiant, but he forgets my large & mostly-homocidal cast!
Hi. I'm a tentacle, & I like to make the orifices of Calli's enemies sting & bleed because she said so.
I'm Arien. I carry a taser strong enough to make God scream like a little girl & have violent tendencies.
I'm Kieki. Not only am I Calli's best friend, but I'm also completely fucking insane. And Calli promised me pretty boys if I gutted Billy & BGG with this knife.
I'm Calli. I use big words, I write all these violent freaks, & as such I possess the homicidal intentions of a good four & a half people. Prepare to die.
I'm a little robot, & I have no idea what I'm doing here.

 

by callie_chan
2-06-03
Alright, so now that the army is assembled--WE KILL BGG!
On second thought--how about no?
Wait just a goddamn minute! What do you mean, 'no'?! You put this whole campaign together just to squash him!
Well, yeah, but I changed my mind.
But...ah, fuckit. Typical Calli...the evil genius & homicidal tendencies of a mad scientist, trapped in a brain with the attention span of a goldfish.
But...but I still need something to kill.

 

by callie_chan
2-06-03
Well, here we are in 2025. Things sure have changed.
Yep.
It's a real shame Arien tasered the entire fucking planet & all.
Yep.
Maybe you should have, y'know, done something about that.
But then how would I have finished this strip?

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
Yo, Kieki, check this out. BGG's practically begging for more punishment!
Oh good. My blades haven't tasted blood recently.
Now, to come up with a devious plan...
Oh HELL no, Miss I-Stop-For-Clams. You're too easily distracted to commit to killing someone. I'm the smart one here, let me handle it.
Which, of course, is the exact opposite of how things work in the real world, where I come up with the ideas while you sing about sugar boobs.
Hey, YOU write this shit. Don't ask me to explain your crackhead logic.

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
Kieki prepares for BGG's imminent smackdown.
Son of God...check.
Homicidal goat, complete with taser...check.
Murder & turmoil.
Let's not ask, shall we?
Murder weapons...double check.

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
Mr del-me? I'm with the Nobel comittee, and we'd like to present you with a prize for furthering human-tentacle relations. Could you follow me please?
Finally, the recognition I deserve! But it's Del-Me, you know. The D & M are capitalized.
Meanwhile...
Man, I can't believe he fell for that. But never mind; our plan nears fruition.
So I get to kill the guy in the ugly shirt, right?
Now wait just a skull-fucking minute. I thought we agreed that I get to kill him, & you get first dibs on post-mortem fellatio.
Ah yes. He gets to have his rape & eat it, too.

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
Yo.
Explain to me why I just passed humanity's Lord & Savior in the hallway?
Dammit, do you need a reason for EVERYTHING?

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
I demand an explanation for why Jesus is helping us in our plan to kill BGG.
Oh, fine, take all the magic out of it.
If you really must know, Jesus is helping us out because he owes me a favor.
A sexual favor?
Don't MAKE me turn around, now.

 

by callie_chan
2-11-03
Stop looking at me like that.
Well then, elucidate me: what could a homicidal maniac do for the Son of God?
I killed a few people for him he didn't like. Apparently Jesus is squeamish about killing people directly.
He didn't like them? Were they gay or something? Atheists? Evil terrorist scum?
Catholics.
Ah. And here I thought you were incapable of good deeds.

 

by callie_chan
2-16-03
http://www.palmgear.com/software/ showsoftware.cfm?sid=43642720030 216105400&prodID=5805, if you're interested.
Did you know that someone now makes an English-to-English dictionary?
Yeah, you mentioned it. Seriously, how impaired does someone have to be to use something like that?
Later...
OMG u r 2 kewl!!!1 LOL do u wnat 2 cyber?!!!1
Where's that fucking dictionary?

 

by callie_chan
2-17-03
Help! Rape!!
Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting something different?
Well, eat it raw, fuzznuts! We do things a bit DIFFERENT around here!

 

by callie_chan
2-18-03
Hi. I am your Desire Fulfillment Facilitator. Apparently God liked some of your comics, so he's given me to power to grant you any one wish you desire.
No kidding? Hmmm....in that case, I wish that I would never again have to be subjected to asinine stupidity in any form ever again.
For the love of Eden's little apples, you don't ask much, do you? But fine. If that's your wish, then I will grant it!
Alright, I know what I said--but if it isn't too much trouble, could you please UNdestroy the world now?

 

by callie_chan
2-19-03
Hour 1
BDD doesn't have me on his SC Genius list. For this he must pay. Time to set my Evil Plotting on 'Percolate'.
Hour 2
Y'know, these two guys in Maddog's comic have to be some sort of gay couple.
Hour 2.5
And I wonder which one of them I cost money by not hooking up with BDD...

 

by callie_chan
2-19-03
There goes BDD to seduce Calli! Our plan cannot fail this time!
Yeah, except I think he was running FROM me, rather than TO me.
*gasp* callie_chan!
Listen here, Miss Ima-Better-Evil-Plotter-Than-Calli, you & I need to have us some WORDS.
I think I am right in assuming these would not be happy words.

 

by callie_chan
2-19-03
Alright, you, explain to me why you're so obsessed about getting BDD & me together!
It gives me something to do.
Well, dammit, how am I supposed to argue with THAT?
Not -my- problem...

 

by callie_chan
2-19-03
Let's get one thing straight here, Default Kid #1: I'M the only one who does evil plotting in these joint strips!
Ha! That's what she thinks!
And what's more, stop calling me callie_chan! My name is -Calli-. It's right there in the bio! And if you MUST call me callie_chan, at least capitalize it!
I will never comply with her demands!
And keep in mind that I have no compunctions about causing grievious amounts of physical harm to children half my size. We clear?
Crystal.

 

by callie_chan
2-20-03
Okay, so only ONE of you is gay, but damn if he isn't gay enough for two.

 

by callie_chan
2-20-03
Stop poking me!
No, YOU stop poking ME!
Simmer down, children.
I say we gun 'em all down. Right now. No one would miss them.
You kidding? I want to be here when this degenerates into a gay orgy.

 

by callie_chan
2-21-03
Let me go over the critera. Are either of you capable of extreme acrobatics? Do you frequently slay demons? Are you insanely attractive?
Well...
Err....
Yeah, that's what I thought. Screw you, Dante beats you both hands-down.

 

by callie_chan
2-21-03
So how goes it?
Well, I've pitted BDD & a gay guy in denial against each other, I'm threatening to destroy BGG, & I've been mentioned in well over fifty comics.
Y'know, it's kind of cruel to manipulate men just for your amusement & to get yourself mentioned in strips.
You say this as though it should mean something to me.
Marry me.
Don't even start.

 

by callie_chan
2-22-03
This is based on a true story.
George Carlin sucks! I loathe him & everything he stands for!
Uh-hunh. Listen, can you explain to me why exactly you're here hating George Carlin on a message board made for George Carlin FANS?
Because George Carlin SUCKS! I came here to tell you all what stupid mindless sheep you are for liking him!
...look, dude, you are so banned.
Technically there's no abuse of power here, unless you count the person in power being abused.
BANNED?! How dare you! You're restricting my freedom of speech!
Actually, crotch goblin, I'm restricting your right to be a fucking idiot, because you're being WAY too free with it right now.

 

by callie_chan
2-25-03
Well, if it isn't Little Miss Sunshine. Where the hell have you been? BDD & Corey are having some sort of 'gayer-than-thou' bitch-brawl.
What?! Well, fuck, that's what I get for reading the Necronomicon all morning. What's it about?
Well, apparently they're fighting over ownership of you.
Cthulhu? Be a good boy & go slaughter some infidels for Mommy, okay?
*gibber* *slaver* *schulp*

 

by callie_chan
2-26-03
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
Hold up a second, you netherworld numbskull. Calli warned me I might find this.
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
The better question is, what are you doing here? Corey's a gay masochist. Chances are he'll ENJOY whatever slippery disgusting fate you have planned for him. BDD, on the other hand...
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
Yeah, I'm glad we had this talk too. Now go kill BDD. I'LL take care of Corey.

 

by callie_chan
2-26-03
Who are you?
Your future murderer.
Hah! Then why do you carry a long, hard, vaguely phallic object? You want me, admit it!
O-kay, first of all, it's a MACHETE. In light of this situation, maybe I should've gone with the garotte, but that's not the issue here. Second, I'm FEMALE, so drop the phallus shit.
Female?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *sob* I thought our love was real!
...Killing you will be the greatest moment of my life.

 

by callie_chan
2-26-03
Get ready to eat kick, you chubby little...Cthulhu, you'd BETTER not be behind me, because you're SUPPOSED to be torturing BDD right now.
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
GodDAMMIT, is it so hard for a demon of the netherworld to understand?! We have two infidels here, Cthulhu, & you are SUPPOSED to be dissolving the non-gay one in acid right now!
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
Because he's GAY, Cthulhu. Whether or not he's a masochist, tentacles are bound to give him ideas non-conducive to ultimate suffering. NOW LET ME GET ON WITH THE MANGLING!
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*

 

by callie_chan
2-26-03
Alright, before Demonica here submits you both to SEVERE reconditioning methods, you might as well try to explain yourselves. I could use a laugh.
*mad gibbering noises of utter chaos that cannot be articulated*
Dammit, Calli, I already told you, THE CHUBBY LITTLE WHORE WAS ENJOYING IT! What kind of fucking eternal torment is it if they beg for more?!
Cthulhu, no matter HOW long it's been for you, THE GREAT OLD ONES DO NOT STOP FOR CHEAP WHORES! And Kieki...see above statement. Now commence their reconditioning.
Yes'm.

 

by callie_chan
2-26-03
Listen, perhaps I haven't made this BLATANTLY clear enough by trying to kill you & having Del-Me sodomize your minions, but I'm not interested in you beyond the amusement you provide.
Nonsense! You simply have difficulty expressing your love for me in conventional ways.
You need help. You know this, right?
You continue to fight the inevitable. You must give in to the deepest desires of your heart!
The deepest desires of my heart right now involve something very precious to you & a pair of scissors, & perhaps a restraining order to top it all off.
Right, well, it's a lovely day for a brisk stroll back to my own strip.

 

by callie_chan
2-27-03
Well, BDD's borderline suicidal & Corey finally seems to have accepted his gayness. Our work here is done.
I couldn't have planned it better myself. Because, you know, I did.
Thanks for the help, Mike. Y'know, I like you--you're sane. It's too bad I've got a romantic interest already, because you're definitely better than anyone gay or totally obsessive.
...Wow. I have no idea how to respond to that.

 

by callie_chan
2-27-03
There, I'm dead! Are you happy now, you bitch?!
BDD, I'm not sure which you need more: counseling, or a metaphorical smack to the head. What the fuck is wrong with you?
It's only been mentioned about twenty times that Del-Me is ALREADY my romantic interest, & was so long before you ever showed up. I'm not dropping him for you OR Mike, so quit whining.
Yeah, she wants me.
And anyway, your obsessiveness freaks me the hell out. Go stalk that Chelsea chick, she's probably not involved with anyone.

 

by callie_chan
2-27-03
A singing telegram. Jesus, BDD really DOES hate me now.
Apparently he's not too fond of me, either, making me run his post-mortem errands. I'm not getting paid enough to sing.
So if what I heard of that song before my eardrums exploded was correct, BDD no longer loves me. No more obsession, no more default kids, no more clones, nothing.
That seems to be the gist of it.
"Oh, please don't throw me into dat briar patch, Br'er Fox!"
Somehow I thought you might take this better than he hoped.

 

by callie_chan
2-28-03
Hello, sir. I'm a door-to-door salesman, & I think I have just the thing for that bleeding anus of yours.
.....um.....my anus isn't bleeding.
Fortunately, I came prepared for just such an occasion!
Oh shit.

 

by callie_chan
4-11-03
So, I hear you're working on an honest-to-god comic now.
Yeah, I'm writing code for the webpage as we speak.
A real comic.
.....yeah, that's what I said.
Despite the fact that you can't draw anything.
Fuck you where you breathe.

Showing page 4.

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