All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
9-10-02
Seriously, we need a backstory.
Okay...uh...I know. We're on the run from the law.
Okay. What for?
Murdering that marching band.
Which marching band?
The one coming up the street behind you.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
I can't believe you wouldn't let me kill the marching band. Fucking pansy.
It seemed counterproductive. Now, our backstory...
And don't think I haven't noticed that we switched positions again.
We could be...detectives? No, bodyguards! That's it! We run our own security firm, the Li'l Sociopaths Security Service!
Oh, how I loathe you.
And our clients will be Hollywood's most beautiful women, and we'll seduce them, but never commit because we're rough and tough and not ready to be loved!

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
What to do...hmmm...
We could be drug dealers.
Nahhhh.
We could be gigolos.
What's wrong with you? Those backstories suck!
Oh, are you still thinking of backstories?

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Wait, here we go. The Big Book of Rip-Offs. Sure to be something good in there.
I still say we should go with the cross-country truckers idea.
Hmmm...rip off Seinfeld and do a strip about nothing?
But only if you wear the chimp suit. I don't want to wear the chimp suit.
Or rip off Friends and do a strip about nothing, but with good hair?
Lord knows, I chafe easily.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Fuck it. I'm bored. Let's just let the backstory evolve naturally.
Fine by me.
So did you hear about Buzz--
NO, YOU BASTARD! I'll never join your secret cabal to bring down the National Endowment for the Arts from within!
Uh...
Now if you'll excuse me, my wife and her sister are waiting for me, and the jello's about to set!

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Take two.
Hey, did you hear about Buzz Aldrin?
What does it matter? Humanity has settled into inescapable entropy. All of us, even Buzz Aldrin, are doomed.
See, there was this conspiracy nut, and...wait, what?
As blackness falls over the human race, life will continue as the insects rise from our fetid corpses to create the world anew.
And you complained about MY shit? At least I had some over-the-top energy going!
Time is fleeting. All men die.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
Take three.
Hey, did you hear about Buzz Aldrin?
No, what?
SUDDENLY, IN THE LAND OF EXPLODING CHEESE!
MELVIN MAKE YOUR INSIDES COME OUT!
PASGHETTI!
...the fuck was--
Surrealism. It worked for David Lynch. Come on, let's go get hammered.

 

by deucepm
9-10-02
So there it is. Our first run of strips.
Yup.
Think this sort of thing will happen again?
It depends.
Depends on what?
On whether or not he spends his Ritalin money on porn again this week.

 

by deucepm
9-11-02
SOME BROWN BREAD! I NEED SOME BROWN BREAD!
Hullo. We're murderers.
Grrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.
Grrr.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
Yesterday, around 5:00 pm.
Well, despite my raving paranoia, we seem to have gotten through September 11th all right. I suppose I can finally relax and do some gaming.
BZZZT
AHHHH! THE NUKES! THEY'VE DROPPED THE NUKES!

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
What happened? What's going on?
Well, one of two things...
...either the high winds knocked the power out or the entire Eastern seaboard has been hit by an electromagnetic pulse as part of a nuclear attack.
Well, considering that cars are driivng by outside, I'm guessing it's not number two.
But what if those are, like, foot-powered cars?

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
So what are we gonna do for the rest of the night?
Well, we could...you know...
No. What?
YOU know...
Exactly how much do you want the stripcreators to know about our private lives?
Good point. Those sickos don't need any extra material.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
This sucks. We don't even have any candles!
Wait, the lights are flickering! I think they might be--
Uh...honey, why are you wearing--
It was the only thing clean.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
Well, I've reconciled myself to the fact that the power's not coming back on tonight. I'm gonna go to bed.
Me too, despite the fact that I normally stay up until 2:00 am or so.
Great. G'night.
Did Imention I had an espresso drink today too?
An Hour Later
Zzzzz
...and then I'm going to pick up the bones of the power company workers,and I'm going to, you know, make drumsticks out of them, and play the drums I made out of their skins...

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
Roll, roll, roll.
Uff. Erg.
Roll, roll, roll.
Nnngh. Uhh.
Roll, roll, ro--
WHAT ARE YOU, A HUMAN CENTRIFUGE? FIND A POSITION AND STAY WITH IT!

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
Oooookay. The power's finally back on, so let me see if I can get in some 'puter time before work.
Your user profile has become corrupted. We are assigning you a temporary profile which will not allow you to use your computer for anything except, oh, Minesweeper.
See, if I'd thought of this last night, we'd have had all the light we needed...

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
The dame walked in. Her skin was the color of a martini olive and she was about as cool and dry as the drink. She slid her beautiful gams through my office door like...
I need your help. My sister's gone missing!
Like...shit, I'm losing track...uh, her eyes glittered like two cubic zirconia! Wait, no, that sucks. Her silken hair flowed like...silk...from a worm's ass...
She was last seen in the company of Doghouse Reilly. I'm worried sick about where she might be!
There was a thin film of sweat on her forehead, glistening like a fat guy in a Volkswagen... dammit! How does Marlowe do this?!
Say, are you all right? You haven't breathed since I came in here.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
So your sister's gone missing, eh? Well, dollface, you came to the right man. I'm--
DEUCE JAWCLENCH, PRIVATE EYE!
Uh...yeah, I knew that when I walked in. It's on your office door.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
The dame paid me a hundred samoleons to find her kid sister. I was just headed to my car when my old nemesis, Det. Fred Turmoil, came by to read me the riot act.
This is your last warning, Jawclench. DON'T MESS IN POLICE BUSINESS!
Okay.
What?
You're right. A police matter is no place for a private investigator to involve himself. From now on, I'll stick to messy divorces and wayward girls, and leave you alone.
Well, just go ahead and take all the fucking fun out of my day.
Come by later. I'll make party mix.

 

by deucepm
9-12-02
Chances are, the girl had fallen in with a bad crowd. The man to see for a bad crowd was Laszlo.
What about it, Laz? Seen her?
'fraid not, shamus. I never laid eyes on this frail.
Oh, well--
She's quite a dish, though! She's a swell dame! And what a pair of gams on her! Better 'n Betty Grable! I better scram, though. There's a war on!
You enjoying yourself?
Hey, the pimp lingo gets old after a while.

 

by deucepm
9-13-02
I turned on the TV in hopes of finding some news about the dame...
...and in entertainment news, musician Warren Zevon has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.
...fuck.

 

by deucepm
9-13-02
So who is this Warren Zevon guy?
He's fucking awesome.
Okaaaay...but who is--
WHAT PART OF "HE'S FUCKING AWESOME" DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND, MEAT?

 

by deucepm
9-13-02
Okay, okay. Zevon's a singer-songwriter, known for his killer guitar work and his literate,_morbid_lyrics. His eponymous album featured songs like "Carmelita" and "Poor Poor Pitiful Me."
Zevon has flourished in recent years. His latest album, "My Ride's Here," features collaborations with Hunter_S._Thompson and Carl Hiaasen. Truly, he's a master.
Oh, you mean the "Werewolves of London" guy?
Whoa! You sure popped outta nowhere! What happened?
I don't know. The last thing I remember was a size 13 Converse All-Star crushing me through the Earth's crust.

 

by deucepm
9-13-02
Well, folks, upon discovering that my favorite musician has the Big Casino, I am in no mood to be funny today.
Eminem? Perfectly healthy. Manilow? Horselike in his healthiness. Jack Daniels, you're my daddy now.
However, since I've just returned to stripcreator after a long creative dry spell, I hate to stop making strips while I'm on a roll.
So instead, I'll give you over to the comedic stylings of... PANTS!
I HAVE POO IN MY BOTTOM!

 

by deucepm
9-15-02
All right, limey, lemme introduce you to a cop's life, American style.
Of course, of course! May I have a pistol?
Uh...I don't think so.
Oh, please? I do so want a large weapon with which I can greviously wound ruffians, scofflaws and hooligans!
Okay, okay, you're a bobby. Tone it down a little.
All right. Can I at least torture an immigrant with this truncheon?

 

by deucepm
9-15-02
I heard you call me, my captain! I heard you call me! Enter Bluebottle! Waits for audience applause, not a sausage.
Thinks: It's very dark in here.

 

by deucepm
9-15-02
John!
Marsha!

 

by deucepm
9-17-02
Wh...whuh?
My goodness, young man, you've had a narrow escape! We found you in the bathroom with your face in the toilet!
I...I remember...I took all the pills...I saw a bright light...
Well, don't worry. Your stomach's been pumped. You're right as rain and we can go back to sub_m7's party.
Oh no...oh JESUS NO! COME BACK! I WANNA GO INTO THE LIGHT! I WANNA GO INTO THE LIIIIGHT!!
Oh, cowboy up, you little nancy.

 

by deucepm
9-17-02
Do you like parties?
Yeah...
We can invite all our friends, and have soda and pie!
Yeah!!
I hope no BAD people show up.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

by deucepm
9-17-02
Hi. I'd like to buy these boots.
Oh, I am sorry, sir. They shouldn't even be on the floor. These boots are not for sale.
They aren't? Why not?
I specifically designed these boots to fit the feet of America's finest character actor, the star or The Dead Zone and True Romance. These boots were made for his feet and his alone.
You mean--
Yes. These boots were made for Walken.

 

by deucepm
9-18-02
I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas or waiting tables; slaves with white collars, the middle children of history!
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking abo--OWW! MY FACE! YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE!

 

by deucepm
9-18-02
it would be no problem to delete (or "crash") this site! i study IT! i can do it!
Really? I'm curious. How would you go about doing that? I mean, what kind of methods do you have at your disposal?
uh...lots! lots of methods! i learned them by studying IT!
Uh huh. Specifically, though. Exactly what kind of phat hacker skillz do you bring to the party?
i...i studied IT and learned ways. to delete the site. (or "crash.")
Wait...are you The Matrix? You're the Matrix, aren't you? Do some of that bullet-time shit, I love that!

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
What's up with the No One Lives Forever 2 demo? The characters can't speak!
Yeah, but it's cool. I'm just making up my own story. See, Cate Archer here is trapped in a village of hot female ninjas who want her body.
They're throwing shuriken at her.
Those represent, like, lesbian pheromones. Now this one here is all "Oooh, Cate Archer, come back to our dojo and we'll slather you in honey, you sexy beast..."
Annnd now she's dead.You're insane.
No, she's given in to their advances. Right about now they're stripping the catsuit off her with their teeth.Yeah, but my game is sexier.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
BRING THE WACKY!!
What?
BRING THE WACKY!!
Excuse me?
It's my new catchphrase. Like it? BRING THE WACKY!!
Hmm...loud, annoying, would fit on a T-shirt...yep, it's a catchphrase, all right.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
BRING THE WACKY!!
Will you stop screaming that?! Christ, that's annoying!
What's so annoying about it? Oh, and by the way, BRING THE WACKY!!
For one thing, you can't "bring" an adjective, you illiterate scumbag. I could bring you something that IS wacky, but not actual wacky.
I'm sorry, did you say something? I didn't hear you. I was too busy wondering why you won't BRING THE WACKY!!
This is gonna be one long fucking day.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
B to the R to the I to the N to the G THE WACKY!!
It won't work, you know. You can't drive me insane.
Oh where, oh where has my BRING THE WACKY gone?!
I'm not so emotionally unstable that your childish teasing will break me. Ain't nothin' gonna break MY stride. OH no.
You're right. I'm being silly. Hey, you know, that reminds me of someBRING THE WACKY!!
I'm going to make you dead now.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
Oh, no...what have I done? I've nearly killed him!
*cough cough* My...my dear friend...
What is it, buddy?
At...at my funeral...please do me this last favor...
You want me to bring the wacky, don't you?
You know me so well.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
I say I say I say! What's all this then? This fellow seems to be all gristle and plasma!
*sniff* I...I hacked him to bits with an axe.
What? It's the clink for you, sonny!
But he kept screaming "BRING THE WACKY!!" over and over again!
Hey, could you say that again? It makes me want to hit you with this stick.
That's okay, thanks.

 

by deucepm
9-19-02
Well...so long, pal. Sorry about dicing you into cubes.
Errrgh...
AHHH! IT LIVES!
Yes! I managed to reassemble myself using only my powerful will and a liberal amount of staples!
But...but that's impossible!
No, my friend. That's WACKY!

 

by deucepm
9-24-02
Season 5 Season Premiere.
Time for a new season of Buffy! And her friends! And some other ancillary characters we introduced!
Oh, boy! I heard Buffy's really going to get back to basics after last season! I can't wait!
Season 6 Season Premiere.
Buffy's back from the dead and now she's on UPN! Can she handle being returned to life?
Well, okay, last season was ass, but I'm sure season 6 can't possibly be any worse.
Season 7 Season Premiere.
And now for another season of romance between Buffy and Spike, her attempted rapist.
Maybe if I lay down in front of the TV, it'll fall on me and end my suffering.

 

by deucepm
9-24-02
So Kermit the Frog had a five-year old nephew named Robin, right? And we can reasonably assume that on the show, Kermit is...say, 25. In frog years.
But on Muppet Babies, when Kermit was a toddler, Robin was a tadpole! What's up with that? What retards his aging process?
Is it something in the water? A spcial remedy from Nanny? Or does he simply drink Lew Zealand's blood by night?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
So why didn't you enter this contest?
Well, because... *ahem*
IIIIIIII'VE GOT NO-THING! IIIIII'VE GOT NO-THING! I'VEGOTNOTHING! I'VEGOTNOTHING! I'VE GOOOOT NOTHIIIIING!
Okay, I get the--
IIIIIIII'VE GOT NO-THING! IIIIIIII'VE GOT NO-THING! GOT NOTHING! GOT NOTHING! GOT NOOOOOTHING!

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Hey! Hey, you two!
...so then I sewed up his-- *sigh* Hold on. Whaddaya want?
I want you two fuckmonkeys to get away from my store, that's what. You dipshits have been standing out here since your first strip.
Oh, really. And what are you gonna do about it, asshat?
Don't arse me about, twisto. I've done things with this finger that could drive a man insane.
Is THAT what I smell?

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Come on, wake up, buddy.
Uhhh...where am I?
County Hospital. I brought you here after we got chased off the sidewalk in front of that guy's store.
What?! What the hell! How did that happen?
Look, there was nothing I could do. You lost fair and square. Playing the biscuit game with that guy was a big mistake.
I'll never eat baked goods again.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
I dunno, man. This abandoned warehouse doesn't feel very...you know...comedic.
Whaddaya talkin' about? This is great. Dig those acoustics!
Yeah, great echo, but it's not too intimate, is it?
This place is just what we need. Trust me, nothing can possibly go wrong.
Hey, fellas, we're about to have a shootout with the Triads. Can you guys clear out?
Yeah, sure. Hey, do you guys need an innocent bystander to be gunned down? I got a candidate right here.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Agggghhhh...
Now this is more like it! A mobile comedy force, beholden to none! We'll bring them to their knees!
*gasp*
No one will be safe from us! We shall dine on their finest meats and cheeses!
Air...
Oh, right. You do that whole "breathing" thing.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
See, now this is a much better location for our strip.
...What?
WE'RE GOING TO CRASH, YOU IDIOT!

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
All right. What we need is a house. We can't buy one, so we're going to have to just swipe one.
Hmm...we'll need to get rid of the current occupants. We need someone lonely...
Someone unloved and forsaken by life...
Someone who could disappear and never be missed.
Wirthling's house?
Wirthling's house.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
Okay. Here's the plan. I break in the front door, make a lot of noise. You hit the back door and get 'im with the stun gun.
Rock out with your cock out, dude.
YAHHHHH! OPEN UP! DEATH IS HERE! AND HE WANTS YOU TO BUY HIS GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!
Can I help you? I was just visiting my good friend Wirthling. And not flushing him down the toilet.
Oh. Do you have any girl scout cookies? Those sound tasty.

 

by deucepm
9-29-02
So what do you want, skippy? I thought I told you to beat feet.
Back off, skinhead. We're here to steal Wirthling's house. We need someplace to do our strips.
Sorry, Filthy Sanchez. I got here first.
Yeah? Well, Uncle Machete here wants to talk to you about that.
Well, looks like we got a good ol' fashioned Mexican standoff, doesn't it?
I don't care where that finger's been. Uncle Machete can take it.

Showing page 4.

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