All comics by four_legged_tripod

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You put a window in so people could watch you masturbate in your relaxation pool? You better watch out Fred. People can get crazy.
Come on now Martha. What's the worst that can happen?

 

I'll never let go Jack. I promise.
Jack? Jack?
*glug*
Fuckin' method actors!

 

I know your mom says you can no longer keep a pet dolphin, but please don't kill me.
Don't worry buddy. We have a teleporter here in this room. I'll send you elsewhere. Be careful though, it could change you slightly.
Oh I could live with this.

 

I'd like to try something different tonight. Are you up for it?
Wow! Okay, let's do it!
Hey! You being gang banged by black dudes while one of them keeps me trapped in the closet was not what I thought you had in mind!

 

Hi. I'm Mark and I'll be your rapist this evening.
Hi Mark.
Can I start you off with something? A bitch slap, a knife to the throat?
No, I think I'll just get to the main course.
10 minutes later...
Have you had enough or can I interest you in some dessert?
Do you have anything in a black man?

 

Let's play some Reindeer games. Take this speed.
Why not? What's the worst that could happen?
I had to fucking ask...

 
Next!

 

Next!
Tell Angelina that I was auditioning for the role of the Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke.
My phaser was set to "shocker."
Two in the pink and one in the stink, baby!
Great! Now my finger smells funny!

 

Almost. Almost. There it is!
Thanks again for delivering my baby doctor.
Uh, yeah, sure. Don't mention it. Hey, look I gotta go. Good luck with everything.
Ok. Time to deliver your baby.
What?

 

Come on and get in! We're late and we've got to go!
I just keep thinking we're forgetting something...
And that dear, is how you became an only child.

 

Hey, I'm Carl. It's my first day here.
I'm Bubba. I'm part of the welcoming committee. Let me turn off the lights and show you why it's called the "pokey."
Now just bend over and relax.
Hey, wait! I'm not into that. I don't swing that waAAAAAAYYY!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!
You boys all right in here?
Absolutely sir. In fact, I feel rather gay!

 

In the cafeteria
Would you like a juice box or chocolate milk with your lunch?
Bitch, please! I get to have a 40 ounce for Kwanzaa!
In a back alley
It's just like mistletoe, only during Kwanzaa, you have to suck my dick.
Not at home though...
Don't try to pull that shit on me. I know that "Hide the Sausage in the Asshole" is not a traditional Kwanzaa game!
My bad! That was Hanukkah I was thinking about.

 

You okay Ben? You've been in here for a while now.
Uh, dude? According to this, we're not doing the glory hole quite right.

 

Twas the night before Kwanzaa, and all through the hood
The night was so still,
like pa's morning wood.
No Viagra needed here, bitches!

 

The chicken was placed in the bathroom with care,
And the white girl was drugged,
left in her underwear.
What the fuck?

 

The women were oiled and piled into bed,
With visions of ways
to increase their street cred.
What up bitches?
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

 

Like milking a goat and then poppin' a cap,
While I settled down
to bump Kwanzaa rap.
Milk that goat and grab his scrote! It's Kwanzaa mother fucker!

 

When out in the alley there came such a noise,
It reminded me of when
my pitbull raped those boys.
Want some candy?

 

Away to the window I hurried and ran,
Expecting to see
someone from the Klan.
What up, dude?

 

The street lights in the alley put off such a glow
That I could start to make out
some sort of object below.

 

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But the Kwanzaa King
with a 40 ounce beer.
I'm back mother fuckers!

 

With a smile on his face and his hand jerking quick,
Uh...
I knew in a moment
Oh...
he was playin' with his dick.
Oh yeah, baby! That's it!

 

His helpers were with him, ready to strive,
Brad Pitt, Kirstie Alley,
and the whole Jackson Five!
What happened to the Jackson Five?
I ate 'em!

 

"Now Lard Ass! Now Faggot, and the rest of you all!
Quit being such pussies
and get over this wall!"
You ain't Jenny Craig. I don't have to move my ass for you!

 

The King said with a roar as he then cracked his whip,
Which almost made Kirstie
drop her nacho cheese dip.
You and I are gonna have problems if you don't cut that shit out!

 

With the magic of Kwanzaa filling the sky,
They all passed a blunt
Smoke it up people!
so they each could get high.
Here. It's your turn.
Okay. But I'm blaming you for the munchies I have.

 

So up to the house-top the helpers they flew,
How'd you get up here so fast?
With a bag full of weed,
and the King of Kwanzaa too.
Dude, her ass is like a trampoline!

 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Someone upchuck
their 100 proof.
Awww Kirstie! That's just sick!
And a waste of perfectly good beer!

 

As I myself almost gagged, and then turned around,
Down the chimney King Kwanzaa
came with a bound.
What up nigga?

 

He was wearing a mask and shirt made in France,
With his junk all exposed
since he didn't wear pants.
How come you keep backing away?

 

I could tell by the size of his junk he was black,
But it caught me off guard
to see his shaved sac.
Don't think I don't know what you're looking at. They're more aerodynamic this way.

 

With a gleam in his eye, he asked something scary,
He wanted to know
if I'd popped my black cherry!
I just need to know how much blood to expect.

 

He took out a book and then flicked his wrist,
And said, "In my naughty book,
you're on the list."
Maybe next time you'll think twice about sending out an office memo with your photocopied ass on it!

 

He gave me a smile, and then bared teeth,
Brokeback Mountain came to mind,
with that actor named Heath.
I can tell right now, I'm gonna have a hard time quitin' you.

 

He rubbed, with his hand, the girth of his belly,
Oh fuck me!
And pulled from his sack,
the ol' KY jelly!
I'm about to.

 

He showed it to me, then sat it up on the shelf.
He said, "KY's only for the nice,"
so I pissed myself!
That only makes you sexier to me.

 

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had everything to dread.
You got any Barry White music and some candles?

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And ripped off my stockings,
that rude little jerk.
Why the hell are you wearing stockings?

 

He raped me and my family and took all our clothes,
And when he was done,
put some coke up his nose!
Oh, now that hit the spot!

 

But my family now knows what happens to the naughty,
A month after Kwanzaa
and we still can't go potty.
Quit laughing at me!
Still hurts to sit down, huh?

 

But we heard him exclaim, "If you're nice and don't fight,
You'll have a very Happy Kwanzaa,
and your butthole will stay tight!"
What kind of dumb ass photocopies his butt?

 

Almost done boss. I think this is as close as I can get it.
Well stop anyway. It's time for lunch.
Hey! Why the hell did you stop jerking me off?

 
Oh God, that's good!

 
Why would you turn your relaxation and masturbation pool into a fish tank?
I like the company of the fish. They're very friendly. It feels good when they swim up against my nads.
Dude, the next time he shits in the tank, I'm gonna bite his worm. I swear to God!

 

What kind of dumb ass photocopies his butt?
by four_legged_tripod, 12-21-09

 

What happened to your hand?
I tend to look the other way when I stick it in things.
So what was it? Wood chipper, lion's mouth, what?
I was at my girlfriend's house. I didn't realize she had crabs.
So you bit the whole damn thing off?
That's right. Let's see that punk ass try and fondle me again!

 

We're going down!
I can't believe I'm gonna die!
That was amazing! Does this make me an official member of the mile high club?
You know it! Hey.... what's going on here?
Ah dammit! I forgot, I was that guy's copilot.

 
I brought my axe just like the invitation said.... oh, this ain't gonna end well.
Tell me about it.

 

Why did mommy leave us, daddy?
Daddy just couldn't satisfy her in bed anymore.
So, her calling you "needle dick" was true then.
I'm afraid so. She just stopped letting me up her tree skirt.
But why would she leave you for a pair of socks?
Cuz the stocking were hung, son. The stockings were hung.

 

__Happy_birthday_Billy____Doug_and_A
What's with the sign over the curtain?
It's a rolling scroll. People can place a message on it before the show so we don't have to announce all of their celebrations.
nn_are_celebrating_their_3rd_anniver
Why would you embarrass someone like that?
Sometimes there is something you want to say, but can't find the words.
ary_______Will_you_have_butt_sex_with_me_Scott_______Congrats_to_Dan
Oh, come on, Scott! I have feelings too!

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