All comics by habnem

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by habnem
1-15-04
Oh my God, here comes the foul ball, right at me! All my life I've wanted to catch a ball at a Major League game...
...and here's my chance--at a Cubs playoff game, no less!
*Snag!*
Yes! I got it! Wait till everyone at home--
Way to go, cuntflap, you just cost us the pennant!

 

by habnem
1-15-04
A-ha! This is it. This is what death is like. Soon I'll be bathed in eternal light and everlasting love...
Yeah! And I'll be in a beautiful garden with Jesus. And maybe the Fonz will be there! I can almost see it...
*THUD!*
All right, now who the fuck put a speed bump at the end of the tunnel?!

 

by habnem
1-17-04
Mickey? It's me, Peter. Get Davy and Michael together--we're going to the movies.
Oh yeah? What'll we be seeing, then?
Haven't you heard? They've finally made a movie about my life!
Fantastic! We'll meet you there!
_________Ice Cube in________ _________T O R Q U E________
Ahh... perhaps I read the ad wrong.

 

by habnem
1-17-04
All my life, all I wanted was to be famous, and sure enough, for a couple of years, all of America knew who I was.
But foolishly, I spent all my money on weed, and then I got fired. Now, here I am, a broken, empty husk of a man.
So sad. Could you say it, though? Once? For me?
Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!
Awesome. Are my fries up yet?

 

by habnem
1-22-04
GRAAR! I will eat your soul!
Not so fast! Up up down down left right left right B A start!
Foolish mortal! Did no one tell you today is national Gradius III day?

 

by habnem
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Batter is at the ready. Engage!
Golly, I love being Patrick Stewart's boy toy.

 

by habnem
1-26-04
I've figured out how to make my fart clouds 33% more pungent.
Do you like the soup? It cost negative five dollars.
(Jenna is home for winter break, I guess)
Oh yeah? Well, where are you running away to?
I'm going to Michigan, and California, and South Dakota, and Oregon! YEEEAGH!

 

by habnem
1-26-04
How was school today?
Thanks for inviting me to dinner. I do so love Irish cuisine.
At the Sticks-His-Dick-In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-The-Other-Direction household
Oh, drat. I've dropped my spoon.

 

by habnem
1-26-04
Man, did I have fun at work today...
Has anyone seen my botulism sample?
Meeting the parents
Hey, Maura--Show 'em that thing you did with the zucchini the other night.

 

by habnem
1-30-04
My fellow Pissmanians, I am your Emperor pro tem, Spankling. I beseech you not to panic; all is well here in Pissmaniapolis.
It will be odd for you to regard our liberators as allies. As you well know, the Kingdom of Pugnacia has long been our bitter enemy.
Nonetheless, we must accept Pugnacia's presence, as they have ridded us of the oppressive rule of Wirthling the Decapitated. That guy sucked.

 

by habnem
1-30-04
Furthermore, Pugnacia's king, Bonsai II, has assured me that his plans for our nation's future are failproof.
He will supervise the application of our nation's rich snickerdoodle bounty toward fortifying our infrastructure.
Already, you can see that we've been able to purchase this nice microphone trolley here.

 

by habnem
1-30-04
Death to Spankling! Long live Wirthling! All your snickerdoodle are belong to me!
Oh, Pugnacia...
Thanks, guys. Being Emperor rules!

 

by habnem
1-30-04
Twenty years later...
My fellow Pissmanians, it has been many years now since Pugnacia took our snickerdoodles and left us to fend for ourselves.
I have finally reached the point where my nice microphone trolley can no longer obscure the fact that we're hopelessly screwed.
Repeat as necessary.
Not to worry, though. I know some people with sharp cookie cutters and death wishes. Soon, Pugnacia will learn its lesson.

 

by habnem
2-04-04
What have you discovered from this body?
There\'s an almond smell coming from every orifice.
Cyanide poisoning, then?
Yup. Let\'s move on to the next one.
I wish more people here chose suicide by ferret bites. This is taking forever.
I wish I didn\'t smell people\'s orifices for a living, but what are you gonna do?

 

by habnem
2-04-04
We've been playing Socom II for twelve straight hours.
Yeah, we should probably think of something else to do.
What'll it be?
I'm sick of always thinking of things. You decide for once.
Cyanide poisoning, then?
Umm... I was thinking tetherball.

 

by habnem
2-04-04
Looks like the results are in!
What results would those be?
The world's worst occupations.
I'll bite. What's the worlds worst occupation?
Flatus odor judge. Wait a minute--isn't that what you do?
I wish I didn't smell people's orifices for a living, but what are you gonna do?

 

by habnem
2-04-04
What's up, doc?
I've completed my research on that big mysterious body in the sky.
You mean the sun?
You can call it that if you like. I hadn't devised a name for it yet.
What have you discovered from this body?
It really fucking hurts my eyes.

 

by habnem
2-04-04
Wow! The sucky-sucky business has been a lot better since we started double-teaming!
I'll say! The customers seem to be a lot happier!
Do you suppose we should start charging extra?
Yup. Let's move on to the next one.

 

by habnem
2-04-04
Say, Frosty! I thought you had become a prostitute!
I have, and things are going really well.
Really? I always figured that would be a pretty tough way to make a living.
It was, until I stumbled upon a village of gingerbread men.
Really? Why do gingerbread men make such great customers?
There's an almond smell coming from every orifice.

 

by habnem
2-04-04
Anything interesting in the newspaper?
Apparently the world's squirrel population has obtained sentience.
Golly, that's weird.
Even weirder is that apparently their psychological makeup makes them perfect members of the Mormon church.
That might explain why I was bumrushed by a squirrel posse opening the front door.
Yeah. They haven't learned to use bicycles yet.

 

by habnem
2-13-04
CHAIR!
FUCKING, CHAIR! DAMMIT!
Oh... "cocks." Gee, the New York Times is getting pretty risque these days.

 

by habnem
2-13-04
I'm participating in a Secret Santa at work...
I have to buy a present for my boss, Mary, that doesn't cost any more than a fiver...
Think, dammit! What can I get for five dollars that anyone would want?
Hey mister! Have you seen another Asian girl running around anywhere?

 

by habnem
2-13-04
C'mon, sweetie. Mommy's ready to take the picture.
"We need a vacation!" you said. "It'll be great!" you said. "It's the happiest place on Earth!" you said.
"You'll get to meet your favorite Disney characters!" you said.
Look, hon--I'm sorry you had to do that to get us gas money. It won't happen again.
Whatever. I wanna go back to the hotel; I need to brush my teeth about fifty more times.

 

by habnem
2-13-04
I understand about the poison ivy, the nude nun, and thousand clowns... but explain about the narcoleptic llama again.
I always thought a life in academia would be rewarding.
"What a great chance to use my Masters degree in Film," I thought.
Professor, are you with me?
I shoulda figured I'd get stuck teaching "Tim Burton 101."

 

by habnem
2-27-04
Hey there, little girl. I'll bet you're afraid of decapitated heads, aren't you?
I think you're funny.
You think I'm funny? I'm going to eat you alive, little girl!
Daddy, can I use your baseball bat?
Uh-oh.
Are you filled with candy?

 

by habnem
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess.
Well?
Let me put it this way.
You're still pissed off 'cause I stole all your materia, aren't you?
Yeah. I didn't even have to have you in my party, you know.

 

by habnem
3-10-04
Hi everyone! I'm Aaron, and this is my hometown, Los Lunas, NM!
This is Ted, the other kid who lives in Los Lunas, NM!
Hi Aaron! Wanna go throw sand at coyotes?
As you can see, we're gonna have all kinds of crazy adventures! I'll bet you can't wait to see what's next!
Here's a hint... they're building a Wal-Mart.

 

by habnem
3-10-04
Hey Ted! Let's go to Carlsbad Caverns!
You know what? I've lived in New Mexico my whole life and never gone. I'll get my bike.
300 miles later...
This is lame.
You said it. Let's go outside and see if we can get something to eat.
I'm so hungry, and there's not even a taco stand. What a shitty national park.
Wait a sec. Let's see if we can eat these little cactuses.

 

by habnem
3-10-04
Dude! That was the best idea you ever had!
Yeah! Why didn't I ever try eating the little cactuses before?
Everything is all radical! I think the dunes are laughing at me!
The air's all heavy though. This is starting to get creepy.
Whoa! Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.
Just let it flow, man. It'll all be okay... I think...

 

by habnem
3-10-04
Here they are, ma'am. They've been out here for three days. It's amazing they're still alive.
Oh, thank goodness. Aaron, Ted, let's go home, sweeties.
Ugh. I can't feel the left side of my body.
I think my eyeballs took off for Chihuahua.
*sigh* Boys.
*sigh* Boys.

 

by habnem
3-10-04
The boys visit Alamogordo.
This is pretty weak. Why do field trips have to be so lame?
I know! Let's play nuclear pioneers!
Sweet! I'll be Albert Einstein!
I'll be Harry Truman!
Oy, what a terrible thing I have done to humanity.
Not me! Die, Jap infidels!

 

by habnem
3-10-04
Elsewhere in Alamogordo...
Hey! Isn't this where they buried all those "ET" cartridges?
Yeah, I think it is! Let's go over there.
They go over there.
Sweet! Do you have a shovel?
No. Why? Do you wanna take some or something?
Hell no. I wanna piss on 'em. Vive le Nintendo!
Aren't we a little young to be old school?

 

by habnem
3-22-04
Later, at the same old dinosaurs' home...
Say, Gladysaurus, why so glum?
I heard you've been seeing Petuniadon. How could you do this to me?
I'm sorry you had to find out about it, but as a matter of fact, we've been hanging out, and she's been putting her hand on my penis.
But that's what we used to do all the time! Tell me, what does she have that I don't have?!
Parkinson's Disease.
THUD.

 

by habnem
4-05-04
Dum de dee... find the princess... huh?
You know what, Boo? After nineteen years of this bullshit, I can safely conclude that that joke will never get old. Seriously, you need to get a life.
I wonder if they need a plumber in Vice City?

 

by habnem
4-24-04
It all started on band night at the Brick Shithouse.
Looooove, exciting and new...
Hey. I've never listened to this song so closely. Love really is exciting.
Come aboooooooard, we're expecting yoooooou...
Man, I just realized, I gotta get out there and find someone. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm so lonely.
Loooooove, life's sweetest reward...
Plus, this cover band sucks.

 

by habnem
4-24-04
I moved on to the Bunker, where I'd heard there were some pretty righteous babes.
Hi! I'm Roger!
I'm Maura!
This may sound like a strange question, but have you ever seen Animaniacs?
Oh my God! That's my favorite show!
Why my brain could not cough up a better pick-up line, I may never know, but the fates were with me.
I love you.
I love you.

 

by habnem
4-24-04
For some reason, the church we got married in had a spittoon.
I am so happy.
Same here.
We had some good times.
How is it possible to suck that bad at bowling?
How can you think you're so bad-ass when you had the bumpers up the whole time?
We had some really good times.
Holy sweet Goddamn, do you have a license for that tongue?
Ilth ailmth tlth plthtse.

 

by habnem
4-24-04
But, as it always seems to happen...
You are so self-important, and self-centered, and self-righteous, and SELFISH!
Oh yeah? Well you use poor word variety!
And that--how you turn everything into a joke! I'm not putting up with it anymore, Roger. I am soooo sick of you.
Well, you've certainly kept a careful list of my faults. How about looking at--
*SLAM!*
Oh yeah?! Well ... ... ... ... ... fuck.

 

by habnem
4-24-04
Don't worry about me, readers. I was fine. The next night I went back to the Shitter.
What would we do, baby, without us? What would we dooo, baby, without us?
This is where it all started. I'd forgotten.
And there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other throoooough.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this love business. Maybe I am too self-centered after all. And maybe that's not all bad. I don't know.
To be continued?
What would we do, baby, without us? Sha la la la.
This band sure hasn't gotten any better.

 

by habnem
5-07-04
Hey there, kids! It's Cowboy Jimmy Bob, and I sure am glad to see you all again.
Before we start, I'd like to thank the folks at PBS for believing in me until I was acquitted of the kiddie porn charges.
The public intoxication and indecent exposure stuck, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes, right kids?

 

by habnem
5-07-04
Now it's time for a cartoon. Do you want to see a cartoon, boys and girls?
Yay!
I love you, Horsey.
I love you too, Bear.
Golly, have things ever gone to shit since Tex Avery died. I mean, welcome back, kids!

 

by habnem
5-07-04
Now's the time when one of our lucky audience members gets to meet a cute, furry animal.
Yay!
This here's Ginny Geller, and she gets to meet our friend Sammy the Squirrel! Do you wanna meet Sammy?
Yay!
All right! Sammy's been locked in a cage without food for a week, so I bet he'll be really glad to see you.
Yay!

 

by habnem
5-07-04
Now where the heck is that dang ol' squirrel?
GAH!
I'm outta here, boys and girls. Good luck, Ginny.

 

by habnem
5-07-04
Sorry. We are now experiencing technical difficulties.
Someone help that little girl!
Oh my God, the humanity!
(a couple of hours later)
Mr. Jimmy Bob, I'm Ron Ashlund, the attorney who represents Ginny's parents. We need to talk.
Hi there. Nate Nateman, Fox TV. Listen--have you ever thought about having your own network television show?

 

by habnem
5-14-04
Finally tonight, Michael Jackson just wrapped a concert to raise money for his legal team, in which he performed nothing but Elton John songs.
Indeed, it was a royally historic evening, as the King of Pop had never before covered the Queen of Pop. Let's take a look.
Don't let your son go down on me...

 

by habnem
5-16-04
Uggh... After 35 hours of chasing me, finally you have defeated me. Truly, your skill is greater than I thought it was. As I lay here taking a long time to die, I am filled with regret...
That damned sorcerer Farnabulus has been controlling my mind, and making me perform acts of severe and unspeakable evil. If only I could have resisted...
Hold on--Farnabu-who now?
You know, Farnabulus. The real villain. Perhaps you've never heard of him, but you need to start hating him; you have about two more hours until the final battle.

 

by habnem
5-16-04
For so long, I've been raised to be a proper princess and secluded from the outside world.
If only there were a motley gang of loveable miscreants who could show me the world or something.
Huh?
Hi. Me and my band of thieves are going to take out the evil sorcerer Farnabulus. Wanna come?

 

by habnem
5-16-04
I, Farnabulus, was already the most powerful sorcerer in the world, but that wasn't enough. The rage and greed in my soul transformed me into the creature you see before you, but it was worth it...
I finally found a way to collapse the space-time continuum so that I can be the ruler of all ages. Unfortunately, it will cause all life as we know it to blink out of existence, but I will be a GOD!
I would explain more, but the more I talk, the less it will make sense.
Ehh, your plan doesn't have to be plausible, as long as it sounds evil enough.

 

by habnem
5-16-04
I can't believe the evil sorceror Farnabulus turned out to be my father, the King of Kespea.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you haven't been on a lot of adventures before. Am I right?

 

by habnem
5-17-04
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's newest, hottest supergroup!
Yo, yo. This here's Eminem...
I'm Helen Reddy...
And I'm George Michael, and we're here to perform the hits of Hank Williams.

Showing page 4.

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