All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
4-02-03
Int: Jedi Auto Sales, Tatooine
Uh, this dealership is a bit creepy...Lemme see some identification!
*You don't need to see my identification...*
...*I don't need to see your identification*...
Hmm...I sense a strong credit rating in this one. This Imperial Chrysler, or that Mercedes-Benz TIE-Fighter are excellent runners, sir...
They look a bit beat-up, and I can only really afford that X-Wing Mini over there, and *ack!* *choke!*
I find your lack of faith disturbing. Now, step this way, as we turn to the Dark side of the Fords...

 

by jes_lawson
4-02-03
Newsflash! British troops have entered Jordan!
Huh?
My God!
She'll do anything for money these days!

 

by jes_lawson
4-03-03
Hey SafetyDonkey! Want to see my new online 'blog?
May as well...
What the...? This is just a picture of you in your room with no trousers on, drinking whiskey and...is that your own excrement you're throwing?
It is a perfect representation of my life! And it's getting excellent feedback!
StripcreatorCliches: Needs more sodomy.

jes_lawson:IF I WNTED 2 RD YR CRAPPY DIARIES I WLD BREAK IN 2 YR HOUSE, L0SER!!!

boinky33: Meh...

 

by jes_lawson
4-03-03
"Hey gang, it's been a madhouse chez Jes and...but...working hard, God!...war, God!...house prices, God! Ex-girlfriend (sigh)...
YAARGH! What just happened?
*FOOF!*
Where the hell did you come from?
From your VDU! I'm a Monitor Lizard!

 

by jes_lawson
4-08-03
Int: 2nd International Conference on Knowledge Discovery and Data Mining. 1996. An underfunded college researcher makes his case.
... and that's how we think data mining can be exploited to improve machine learning. Interested?
Dr Kaufman! Could this framework be used to teach giant autonomous robots to commit baseless acts of sodomy?
Uhh, yes, all the information is there but we'll need more money before we can... Hey! Dr Tobor! Wait!...
That's all I needed to know. I'll just "borrow" a copy of your paper...
++What did they say, Daddy?++ Were you like a humourous bell? ++ Did you get the fun-ding?++
No, Punbot. I'm afraid if I'm to pay the bills I'll have to download your humour subroutines and sell your body like so many cheap Asian girl jokes...

 

by jes_lawson
4-08-03
Hey! What am I doing in this vacuum? This sucks!
You give me what you got for me, Kaufman!
Hey! I paid you two $5 to let me make a joke about you and "sucking" in here! Now what gives?
No no, NO! Where my Orient Earring I heard you talk about on web-site?
How about, since I got rice thrown at me at my wedding, I come throw hamburgers at yours?

 

by jes_lawson
4-08-03
Dr. Kaufman! What seems to be the trouble?
Well, I just flew here from Virginia and boy, are my arms tired...
Meh...
Ha ha! No, but seriously Doc, I think I'm developing an irrational fear of palindromes!
Aibohphobia.
AAAGH!

 

by jes_lawson
4-09-03
Hey Rich! Do you remember the old days?
Hey Ben! Yeah, I miss them.
jes_ used to base all his old strips on us. We've not featured in months - why are we here tonight?
Perhaps he's feeling nostalgic for our old adventures. Well, we'd better not disappoint him...
Shortly...

 

by jes_lawson
4-10-03
How much for a blow job?
$500!
Advertisement: For a "real" custard taste, choose Stripcreator brand biscuits. Andy Dougan wouldn't play with anything else.
Mmm! It's the taste doesn't need more sodomy!
Oh man I love this guy! His material was so killer!
Live from Madison Square Gardens, it's the fuck Comeback Special!

 

by jes_lawson
4-10-03
Hey man! I scored us tickets to tonight's Stripcreator gig!
Awesome dude! I'm gonna buy jes_lawson an absinthe, score with Asiangirl and then heckle Wirthling!
"Sucks!" Ha ha ha! Hey, what about that fat Middle Eastern guy?
"CHOP OFF DE COCK!" Ha ha ha!
Seriously though we'd better get going before dark, I don't wanna end up like that kid from Detroit!
Dude, you worry too much! Tobor hasn't been seen in the open for weeks! But can we take your wheels? The rotor turbine on mine's busted!

 

by jes_lawson
4-10-03
Hey dude! Do you think Scyess and not_Scyess are the same person?
It's true you never see them on TV together!
Do you think if they met and touched each other they would like, annihilate the universe?
Dude no! Logically not_scyess is everyone except Scyess! So It couldn't be him.
I...Grr! You and your damned logic!
Hey! I went to Ken Kaufman Uni! Gimme a degree of respect! Please!

 

by jes_lawson
4-10-03
Hi readers! SafetyDonkey here to point out jes_'s woeful inadequacies in numbering comic competition entries.
All right Donkey, fair enough! Now for the rest of the strip, here's a clip from PBS's "Stripcreator Squad" archives!
Episode originally aired 10/4/2001
Stripcreator Squad: KER-TRANS-FORM! and sound off!
---Wirthling!---

Ready to Suck! Ho!
---Spankling!---

Ready to take a beating! Ho!
---Spelunking!---

What am Idoing here exactly? Bitch!, er... I mean... Ho!

 

by jes_lawson
4-10-03
In reviewing the Tatu album, I must say I've never heard anything so good in all my 200 years!
Mind you I'm deaf.
Um, before you go, I was wondering...have you got any brains I could have?

 

by jes_lawson
4-11-03
Diluain, an ranch...
An mbeadh sé ar mo chumas greim a chur ar cuid bogearraí a úsáid ar mo ríomhaire?
Ha ha!
Dude! Níl mé saor ríomhchlár!

 

by jes_lawson
4-11-03
Tha i teth.
AIEEE!
Tha i àlainn.

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
There, I've erased all the cookies and other junk from my hard drive.
What the... the firewall won't let me log into Stripcreator at work anymore! No!
NOOOO!

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
Tired of being a bad stand-up comic? Make sure your material is the shizzat with Stripcreator brand Microphones!
Uh, hey everybody, I'm Jim Comedy! How're y'all doin' tonight?
RARRGH! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Uh, OK, that wasn't part of the act folks, I...
SUCKY SUCKY! 5 DORRAR!
What a waste of $800! This thing sucks!
WIRTHLING?

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
Miss a turn ignoring BeNN_MaKK on IRC
CHOP OFF DE COCK!
You post to RMDC - spin your Stripcreator Regular Randomizer to see who replies...
Needs more sodomy!
Busted! Play your Get Away With Rape Free card, or else go to Jail.

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
andydougan: EITHER play the biscuit game again OR make a strip featuring Russell Crowe and John Pienaar
OR make a strip featuring Russell Crowe playing the biscuit game! Mmm!
DIESEL SWEETIES: Make a strip involving a Diesel Sweeties character that's NOT Red Robot and collect $10
I'll bet they can't!
RAAAGH! I mean...yes!
BOORITE: Challenges you to a drinking contest. Pay $10, roll the die and chug that many beers before you can throw again.
Sucker!

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
PENNY ARCADE: Contemplate why you're not as funny as you used to be, then make a strip about video games.
I could kill for a beer and a Gameboy...
You suck.
RANDOM STRIP: Draw 2 Character cards and a Background card and make a funny strip from them.
If you've got a Kaufman card I'd play it now!
ACCIDENTAL SAVE: Non-Donors must make a Donation; Donors lose a turn while deleting and cursing their carelessness.
Idiot!

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
Submit Artwork: Draw your own Stripcreator Character here.
Tag Team Comics: For the next three turns you and the player nearest you move the number of squares the other rolls.
lara7: Alphabetise your cards and pay a $5 library fine.
Shh! I'm trying to make a comic here!

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
Comic Competition Penalty: If your name is jes_lawson, stop entering Comic Competitions and leave some of the cliches and in-jokes for the others until you roll a 6
What the...? Ok...4! Fine...
Comic Competition Penalty: If your name is jes_lawson, stop entering Comic Competitions and leave some of the cliches and in-jokes for the others until you roll a 6
3...damnit!...2...
Comic Competition Penalty: If your name is jes_lawson, stop entering Comic Competitions and leave some of the cliches and in-jokes for the others until you roll a 6
$&£%! 3 AGAIN! DIE, DIE!

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
Safety_Donkey: Miss a turn while you ensure Stripcreator is ISO 9000 compliant.
I just left the cap of some bleach at a children's home! Wanna come see?
AAAGH!
#Stripcreator: Go on line and make a strip out of the topic. Lose $20 if boorite is "boorite-brb".
D'oh!
STRIPCREATOR: THE BOARDGAME Copyright Brad/Kaufman Inc. 2003. All Rights Reserved. No liability is entered into for cornholing/sucking related injuries

 

by jes_lawson
4-15-03
4!...Bar Steward!
2!...Creosote eating rump-smuggler!...
...6..YES! Back in the game!

 

by jes_lawson
4-16-03
Greetings Earthling! I have travelled thousands of light years to grant one person our vast knowledge and wisdom.
Tell me, what is your name?
boinky33
Cheerio!

 

by jes_lawson
4-17-03
The test results came back negative!

 

by jes_lawson
4-17-03
The test results came back negative!

 

by jes_lawson
4-17-03
The world media belive the mass graves to be those of Iraqi Kurds killed in the early 90's!

 

by jes_lawson
4-26-03
|o DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ROCKS THAT I HAVE GOT... o|
|o I'M STILL, I'M STILL CHOPPIN' OFF DE COCK! o|
AYETHANGYEW!

 

by jes_lawson
4-30-03
WORST THING TO HEAR FROM A DOCTOR
Sir, you're going to need a rectal examination. Now being as I'm gay and have no arms...
HOBBIES FOR THE INVUNERABLE
Mmm...So that's what plutonium tastes like!
REJECTED IDEAS FOR A COMIC CONTEST
Your 'blog in comic form!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
So what's been the craíc in Belfast the last two years?
Not much...
Oh! I got this cool new message writer frisbee! Watch what it says when you throw it!...
"Ballbag?"
Cool isn't it? Ha ha ha!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
So what else are you at, apart from throwing obscene objects around Botanic Gardens?
We discovered you could guff into the safe at work and store it overnight!
And how, pray tell, did you discover that?
When the assistant manager had to delay opening the store for 10 minutes so he could air the petty cash!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
So do you actually do any work at this store of yours?
Hell no! The customers are all clueless wee spidey bastards!
They're all like:"Ay! Digital cameras! Fuckin' nuts, like!"

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
So I hear Nike are bringing out a new trainer for lesbians.
"Nikes for Dykes"
They have an extra wide tongue and you can get them off with one finger! Thankyou! I'm here all week!
LESBIANS! WOOT!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
Mate, I'm surprised you're not on the dole by now!
You'd be surprised how much we can get away with before we're sacked!
Not really. Didn't I call you up one time, and you'd just told your manager to fuck himself and his job sideways?
Yeah. Ten minutes later I was the new assistant manager.
They must really be desperate for quality staff.
Tenacity is the single most important quality for dealing with customers. And the tramps who live in the alley behind the store.

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
Hey! Enough about work, man. Been to any gigs?
Hell yeah! Anti-Pop Consortium played the Menagerie.
Aw, Roxor! But... The Menagerie! Man, what a hate-box!
Nah! MC Beans rocked so hard nobody could hear anyone else trying to start a fight with them.
You've changed mate! A year ago you wouldn't have gone near the Menagerie!
You've changed too! I can't believe you just said "Roxor" in an actual honest to God sentence! I ought to lock you in our safe at work, geek!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
How's Paula doin' these days?
She's good. Applying to do a PGCE at Durham would you believe?
Oh man! My old uni! Excellent, she'll love it.
Yip yip yip. How's your other half?
Oh God! OH GOD! She told me she was clean! It burns! IT BURNS!
Ha ha! I do read your Stripcreator stuff y'know! That'll teach ya to go diving without a helmet!

 

by jes_lawson
5-05-03
Anakin! Why weren't you at work yesterday?
I was on holiday - it was International Jedi Day!
Oh god! Don't tell me...
Yep! May The 4th be with you!

 

by jes_lawson
5-08-03
Congratulations to mmyers, who just made his 100th strip! Quality work and a venerable milestone!
Our 100th comic celebrated quality and a real Stripcreator achievement!
The hell it did!
Oh yeah! 'Spose when you've got your own character and an in-joke about you, that's when to party!
Hey! My 200th comic must be coming up soon!
Whoopee! I'll phone the tabloids and get the absinthe!

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
Int: Xavier school for the Gifted. Human Resources Divison
So then. What makes you think you can be an X-man?
You're going to be really impressed by my power, honey.
Listen smartass, what makes you think…
Watch me get those donuts from that counter! Hnng! *Sproing!*
!…Welcome to the X-Men! Can you do that again? Say, in my bedroom in fifteen minutes?
You haven't seen the half of what "The Wang" can do, baby.

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
Welcome, Wang! I'm Trivial, your team leader!
But...I thought the Professor was our team leader.
We have many teams here. You'll be in the most important one of all
Cool! What's our first mission?
Maintaining effective I.T. support for the X-Men!
Aww crap! The Wang don't need this!

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
God, what a boring day! Hey Super Jesus! Seen The Wang anywhere?
He's playing tug-of-war with Cyclops.
Eww! And I'm on cleaning duty! Well, better get the power hose!
No, My Son, you do not understand. He's with Scott Summers in the Training Room.
Huh! I always thought he might swing that way! Jean Grey's in for a shock!
Thou art of restricted intellect, aren't you, Captain Fuckwit?

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
Shit! Someone's trying to hack into Cerebro! Better spring into action *sproing!*
Yo! Git you extendable dick outta my face, white boy!
SupaFly! Would you stop pissing about, there are enough bugs in my PC already!
Shut up, fool! Mah fly Compund Eye just saw who be trying to play our server like a mutha!
Who?
Princ3ssB1tch! She be usin her l33t mutant powers ta fuck our shit up!

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
Well, I guess it's up to me! SupaFly! Fly me to where this Princ3ssB1tch hiding!
Wid' a quickness!
In the blink of a fly's eye...
Your hacking days are over missy!
Lol! All yuor base aRe b3long 2 us, X-Man l0s3r!
Well, if you mean that I always let a lady come first then I'm an all-night loser, babe! *Sproing!*
OMFG! Dude! Yu0r c0X0r! It's like a hantai tentacle! Real-life Cyb3r me NOW!

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-03
Dude! U totally R0X0r in bed! I luv u! ;-)
I know babe, it's a gift. But an extendable John Holmes doesn't keep our network running.
Hey! I cld join ur clan, fix ur PCs and you cld s3xx0r me all nite!
Everybody wins! Especially The Wang!
And so once more, the world is saved. At the After Mission Party...
And this one...*sproing* is a poodle! This one...*sproing* is Chinese for "sex"!
Hey Wang! Any more of those cream-filled donuts you got?

 

by jes_lawson
5-13-03
My filet mignon is a little tough. Gimme something to cut it with.
One second, sir...
Your Steak Knife, Mr. Scappaticci
Later, at the Daily Star...
Got anything on that top-level mole in the IRA, Blaine?
Funny thing, boss! I was standing in a queue in a restaurant in Belfast and...

 

by jes_lawson
5-18-03
Do tell me of the young man you met from a far and distant land!
A poet! He wrote "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand..."
Dear sister, you confuse your lover's "work" with that of Shelley.
That lying swine! He did declare that piece his own! (While he was fondling my belly!)
This fraud Will Shakespeare's played you like a bitch!
And verily, my twat doth itch - lice! Methinks five groats for my young bits too cheap a price!

 

by jes_lawson
5-18-03
Dearest 'Blog: Although my kidneye stone afflcits me hugely. My latest play amuses Queen Bess greatly.
And with her gen'rous patronage, I shall...
...indulge of what I fancy lately!
A bit of slap and tickle with that buboed boy from Stratford Town!
Alas! Poor Yorick! I will know you well! E'en if I must tie thee down!
I smell Double double! Toilet trouble! Weeping sores and pissing gravel!

 

by jes_lawson
5-21-03
Jes! I am Dr. Martin Luther King. Do not be alarmed, as we are both dreaming, and as such both occupy a single point in Space/Time!
Wow! So...in reality I'm asleep in 2003...and you're asleep back in 1963?
Correct. In fact, I'm in the middle of a very profound dream I'm going to write a speech about...
The one where little black children will join hands with little white children and walk as brothers and sisters?
No. The one where the black children set fire to all the white children, and then I ass-rape Martha Reeves, but that scans a lot better. Thanks.

 

by jes_lawson
5-21-03
Hey Hanniball! Have you seen B.A.?
If by that you mean "his brain", then yes! I extracted it and put it in a tank of formaldehyde out back!
You WHAT?
I'm using B.A.'s latent psychic powers to manipulate the global Stock Market to our advantage!
What has this got to do with saving the village, Hanniball? This is playing God!
Pah! I've played God before. I won 31-28. After overtime.

Showing page 4.

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