All comics by southlondon

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by southlondon
4-30-06
Well, I can't see anything here about mysterious English-speaking guys popping up in far-spread countries.
Hang on a sec...what's this? "Animal rights groups were shocked today as it was revealed that the penguins of the Antarctic are being forced to partake in a deadly war by a mysterious tyrant."
Chris?
Chris. Maybe Sean as well.

 

by southlondon
4-30-06
You gonna tell me everything you know about this leader, my man, or I'll break your fins.
It's not good, sir. The Arctic Monkeys are taking prisoners. Half of our number are being tortured, the other are lying dead.
This isn't good news. Maybe we'll have to retreat. If they catch us, I'm sure they'll be lenient. Oh well, better tell the penguins to draw back.
(I'm sure you didn't notice, but that was supposed to be emphatic. Never mind...)
WAIT!!!!! MOHAMMUD HAVE SOLUTION!

 

by southlondon
5-02-06
Hey Pete...I don't believe it! Light! Up ahead! Ha ha!
Thank God for that, I thought we'd be here forever!
We've been travelling for weeks, we've come close to madness, but we're finally at the end.
Hey, are we getting wetter?
Oh, what next?

 

by southlondon
5-02-06
Well, we managed to swim from the ocean's bottom without either drowning or getting the Bends, so we've had a result.
Hmm, yeah, I guess so.
Well, you would think that. But now, we have no food whatsoever, and we're miles from anywhere.
Well, we could drink the water, if we wanted to go mad.
To tell you the truth, Pete, after all that's happened, I'd prefer that option.
Me too. Bring on the crazy water!

 

by southlondon
5-02-06
So you're the monster behind the roars. And you should have been extinct years ago. What gives?
Well, I'm a bit of an evolutionary throwback. I've been living here for the best part of my life.
Right. So, what do you do?
Well, I like to make little hats, which I wear, but my main hobby is eating anyone unlucky enough to get washed up here.
Mental note: Next time, leave out the last line.

 

by southlondon
5-02-06
Erm...two words...two sylabbles...first word...sounds like...oh, bollocks to this, let's play I Spy. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'S.'
Erm...sky?
No.
I guess it's Sea then.
...You know, I just figured out a major problem this game is going to have.

 

by southlondon
5-02-06
You know, Tony, maybe Robyn and Andrew had a point in going to the Antarctic, but I think we'll have better luck here in Japan.
Why? They weren't going to Japan, the plane wasn't travelling to Japan, none of them could have landed anywhere near Japan. I think the only reason you wanted to come here is to eat Sushi.
Er, I mean, Brap Brap Brap?
That's better!

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Pete...is that a ship? Up ahead?
Wait...yeah! It is! Hey! Help! Help! We need to get to dry land!
Hey...Mr Pirate...can we have passage on your ship? We need to get to England.
Arr, ya scurvy land lubber, Henry Morgan the 17th welcomes no man without tribute.
Pointless,easy riddle continued overleaf.
Tribute? We, uh, don't have any money.
Arr, then ye have to answer the Captain's riddle instead. "As I was going to St Ives, I met a man with 7 Wives. The 7 wives had seven sacks, the 7 sacks had 7 cats, the 7 cats had seven kits

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Kits, cats, sacks and wives, how many were going to St Ives?"
It's 1. He met them on the way to St Ives, they weren't going there themselves. That's like the oldest riddle in the book.
Arr, well, us pirates not be gettin' out much these days.
You want to watch Batman Forever. There's loads of good riddles in that.
Arr, we have it, but the crew can't get tha' shiny disk player thingy workin'. I put six men to death for not bein' able ter figure it out!

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Welcome to ther Carmen, land lubbers. Tha fastest ship in the old Carribean.
Is it fuck! All boats are motorised, these days. They can go 200mph and higher!
Well, at least it wasn't MY big mouth that got us here this time.
Shut up.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
What's wrong with us Pete? We always stick our feet in it. Let's make a pact in future not to talk politics or boast in front of any pirates, Serbian death squads or anyone else who can kill us.
Agreed.
Arr! I be tha captain of this ship. What ye bin sayin' about the speed of Carmen?
Erm...well, we were, but we've decided that this 16th Century ship is far faster than any other modern version.
Arr, well, that be OK then. Yer be free to travel with us.
Sucker!

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
That man-eating dinosaur will never find me on this side of the island.
Hmm, if only my heterosexual (and much more) lifemate Chris was here. We'd find a way to beat it. And have a crack as well.
But who's under it? Find out next!
Time to die, human!
Hang on a sec...dinosaurs can't talk. That's a costume!

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
(After pulling the dino costume off...)
What the? Who the fuck are you?
Don't you recognise me, Taffy? I'm Sheldon!
Sheldon? From Hayes? What are you doing here?
I live here. I always have.
How did you end up here?
Oh, I swam out. I always wanted to live on a desert island where no one judges me for my disgusting Hayes habits.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Author's note: Although this ship looks a lot like the ship Neil and Pete are on, it is not.
So when we get to the dock, we find Chris and take him back to the boat. Then we focus on the others.
Yup
How about 'Yup Sarge?'
Whatever...
Actually, scratch that, how about 'Yes your Supreme Majesty?'
Out of all the people to get stuck with, it had to be her.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Hey, Sean.
Hey, Phil Collins hallucination.
Where's Sheldon?
Well, first I smashed his head in with a coconut. Then I sharpened a tree leaf and dismembered him, then threw his body parts into the sea.
That'll teach him.
I wish you were real, Phil Collins hallucination.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Right, Mohammud, you said you had a solution to our problem.
Yes Sir. Although I fear you may not like it. In order to win this war, Mohammud must blow himself up.
That's your answer to everything! When I tripped in the snow, you offered to blow yourself up. When the toilet in the War Room got blocked, you offered to blow yourself up.
Well, Mohammud is serious this time.
And when the bar ran out of beer, and when the penguins went on strike, and when...
Alright, alright, but this time Mohammud can help.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Look, infidel. Mohammud can walk straight into the Arctic Monkey base under cover of surrender, then destroy them.
*=He doesn't. He convinces them they have STDs, locks them in the toilet and shaves them when they're asleep.
Look, Mohammud, this is nice of you, but I look out for my friends* and I don't like to see them die.
Sir does not understand. Mohammud must. It is my way. Allah will love me for it.
(Mysterious music plays)
Ok, but, hang on, you haven't even got a bomb. It was blown up on the plane, remember?
Plane? Mohammud did not blow up the plane.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Hold up. If you didn't blow up the plane, who did.
Mohammud does not know. He was in a dark hood. He was not Al Quieda.
Wait a minute. You accepted Mohammud as a friend even though you thought I blow up your plane?
Yeah.
Wow, Sir have some loose morals.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Mohammud...I wish I had got to know you better and I know the sacrifice you're making. You will always, always be my brother.
Thank you, Sir. Now Mohammud must go. Remember Mohammud. Mohammud will always be with you.
Oi, you're one of the penguin lot. Do you surrender?
Yes, Mohammud surrender. Now let me into your base.
(Sniff sniff) Goodbye, old friend.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Woah, what the hell was that?
Sounded like an explosion. I hope Chris isn't hurt.
Screw Chris, I hope none of the penguins are hurt!
Look, I can see smoke. We're nearly there.
Those poor penguins...

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
The emotion in this scene was too OTT so I cut it down.
Chris! You're alive!
Andrew! Robyn! I can't believe it! I'm so glad you're here!
We're so glad you're alive.
What about the others? Are they safe?
Neil, Sean and Pete are still missing, and Tony and Jade are well on the way.
They went to Japan, didn't they?

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
So let me get this straight-the plane wasn't blown up by Al Quieda?
Mohammud said it was a hooded, shady figure. Sinister, huh?
Weird, it's like a conspiracy. JFK style.
Anyway, back to the business of finding the others. What's the situation on Tony and Jade?
Across the world...
Look, I NO WANT FISH SUSHI! I WANT ONLY VEGETABLE SUSHI!
YOU EAT SUSHI!

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
Hey, Redbeard Paul.
Arr.
(From the toilet) Oh, the humanity!
Are we anywhere near England yet? I think my friend is getting seasick.
England? Ye scurvy dogg. We no be goin' anywhere near England.

 

by southlondon
5-03-06
So let me get this straight. We're not actually going anwhere near England?
Arr, ye be right.
Ok, so where are we going?
The Carmen be makin' a no-stops voyage to the fair land of Serbia.
You know, the phrase "back to square one" just doesn't seem worthy of the situation.

 

by southlondon
5-04-06
Looks like this is the end, Pete. We're miles away from land, we haven't eaten or drank, and I can't swim for long.
Soon enough, my legs are gonna stop kicking the water, then I'll sink and drown.
Stop being such a wimp. The water's only a few feet deep.
Hey, wait a minute. You're right! I can touch the bottom!
We must be close to land!

 

by southlondon
5-04-06
We're alive! We've found shore! Thank God!
Where are we?
Excuse me. Where are we?
You kids and your drugs. You're in Brighton!
We're two Palace fans in Brighton. Is that much safer than being fugitives in Serbia?
I wonder if we can get your tattoo lazered off anywhere.

 

by southlondon
5-04-06
After a coach ride from Brighton, Neil and Pete were finally home. But what of Sean, Tony and Jade?
Look, I wasn't exactly expecting first class, but shoving us in the cargo hold of a flight bound for South America is just rude.
Don't worry, I know a way out of this. My Brap hands also act as a drill, so we can drill through the plane and escape!
BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAP!
What the hell?
CRASH!
Tony? Jade? Is that you?

 

by southlondon
5-05-06
Sean! You're alive! I thought you'd have gone mad with all the isolation.
Nah, it's cool. Phil Collins has been keeping me company.
Tony, call the coastguard. And hurry.

 

by southlondon
5-05-06
With the group finally reunited, the long adventure was at it's end. And with everyone meeting on Sunday night at the Goose, everything seemed to be back to normal.
You know what puzzles me though? The guy in the hood on the plane. I mean, was he just another terrorist, or part of a larger conspiracy?
You've been in the Antarctic too long. Who would want to hatch a conspiracy against us?
Who is this mysterious leader? What are his evil plans? And why does he want to eliminate the Group? Find out, eventually.
There is news, Master. Your evil plan has failed, the targets are back together.
Curses! Well, we are not defeated yet. Soon, an even more devious plan will be hatched. Then we will eliminate this group for sure! Bwa ha ha!

 

by southlondon
5-05-06
Attention, jaded friends, along with anyone else who managed to wade through the confusing in-jokes and enjoy this comic as an independant person.
Although my series "The Trip" is finished, it will not be the last of the serialisations I will feature. Will the world ever know the true identity of the mysterious Master? Maybe.
Oh right, you want a joke in your comics, don't you? Ok. "Why did the chicken cross the..." bollocks to it. Bollocks to it all. Peace out!
Oh, I already know who he is, and what's more, he'll be someone the group knows VERY WELL, if I may give you something to think about.

 

by southlondon
5-07-06
Hey Sean, fancy coming to a lock in at the William on Saturday night?
Sounds good, yeah!
Hey Neil, fancy coming to a lock in at the William on Saturday night?
Yeah, go on.
Pete, either you come on Saturday night or we rip into you on Sunday.
Fair enough.

 

by southlondon
5-07-06
Hey Robyn, you fancy going to the William for a lock in on Saturday?
If torturing Neil's on the agenda, I'm there.
"Your sleep quota hasn't been filled?" What sort of bollocks is that, Bruce?
ZZzzzZZZ
Jade, you and Tony want to come down the William on Saturday?
Well I do, but Tony doesn't, so that means definately.

 

by southlondon
5-08-06
I ain't appy, Granddad. Ever since I became a lesbian and left Maaaaaaaaartin and gave up Chloe for adoption and since she came back.
I wonder if the pub's open now.
Neil, it's Monday morning.
So? I'm unemployed, remember?

 

by southlondon
5-08-06
Saturday comes...
We're always the first ones here.
Yeah. Although, it's only 6. Even the drunks haven't come in yet.
Precisely half a second later...
(Hic) Sorry we're late. We would have got in at opening time but we only just woke up.
In a (hic) ditch as well.
Is this my house?

 

by southlondon
5-09-06
Right, this is the opening shot of everyone in the pub.
The full list of us is 8 people; this includes Chris, Neil, Robyn, Peter, Sean, Andrew, Tony and Jade.
Of course, I couldn't put all 8 on screen at once, so, like the little saint I am I decided to have a backdrop with everyone there! Yay for me!

 

by southlondon
5-09-06
Random pre-last orders banter ensues...
You know when Africans build there homes so far away from water?
I mean, what's with that?
So, Neil...
You're on your own, mate!

 

by southlondon
5-11-06
Sean, we both know that one of us is gonna do Karaoke first.
Go on Bruce, one for the team.
You go up first.
Alright- I'll er...really embarass myself by singing Culture Club. Wow, how humiliating that will be!
Haha, no dice, you have to do something that you'll actually be embarrased by.
Oh fine...YMCA it is.

 

by southlondon
5-11-06
...and that's why this whole "I hate everything" attitude is just silly.
(Sigh) ok.
I know what you can do! Why not get rid of all that negative energy and put into something positive. Like worshipping me, for example.
I wonder if it's too late to emigrate.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
I can't believe Sean's doing YMCA on the Karaoke!
Nothing's too embarrasing for that guy.
Well, at least he isn't doing the dance to it.
Five seconds later...
...Well, at least he isn't stripping.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Neil, tidy up the coffee table. I want to sit in comfort.
You want to sit on the coffee table?

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
(Fake Eric Cantona voice) and you know my advice to you, my friend? Never grow up.
You know my advice to you, Patrick?
Get out the fucking toilet before I break the door down.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
The last orders bell rings...
We've been here for hours! Last orders already!
Yeah. Now just play it cool, pretend to be getting ready to go.
The drunks shuffle out of the door.
And now we get pissed!

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Ok Pete, let's go and get the umbrellas in now so we can relax.
Ok.
Hmm, that's weird. The door seems to be jammed.
Dun dun duuuuuun....
Hey wait a minute, there's a tape down here.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
They put the tape in the VCR...
Well well well. If you are watching this tape, that means that my evil scheme has come into fruition.
Let me explain the situation to you: my associates have blocked every door and window in this building. The windows cannot be smashed. There is no way out.
Your mobile phones will not work, as I had a minion set up a signal blocker on the roof. And here's the best part-sometime between now and the opening hour tomorrow, the oxygen will run out.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
I suggest you spend the next few hours saying your goodbyes to each other, as there is no way to survive this. Goodbye, and good riddance.
What a rip off. The people that made Saw should be furious.
Neil, there are slightly more important matters at hand than what films our mystery foe has ripped off!

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Don't worry, guys. There's another way out, and this Mr X can't know about it.
How do you know?
A few weeks ago...
I remember it like it was yesterday. Paul was subjecting me to another non-stop lecture about nothing at all, then IT slipped out.
Hey, Neil, did you know there's a secret tunnel going out of the pub? You can get to it by....
...So, what did he say next?
He didn't. At that moment the vodka he had just downed reached his brain, and he started dribbling and falling over.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Right, guys, if Paul was telling the truth then there's at least one secret exit from here.
To find it, we'll need to split into teams of two.
He says it's to cover more ground, but it's really because I can't draw any more characters than two per frame.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Okay Neil, how about we start by uncovering the carpets, that way we can check if there's a trapdoor or something.
Actually, why don't we start by looking behind the bar?
Reason?
Well...there could be, uh, a secret button or switch somewhere?
You can steal free Guiness AFTER we find a way out, Neil.
Aww, I want one now!

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
Why are we checking the bookshelves, Chris?
You know those really old mystery stories where there's a bookshelf and if you take the right book out, it spins round?
Oh yeah, that's a point.
Pick up every title. Especially ones with titles like "The Key to Freedom" and that sort of thing.
Hey look Chris, this book has the word Fuck in it! He he he.
Focus man, focus.

 

by southlondon
5-12-06
In the Ladies toilets...
We should start by tapping the floor tiles. You know, like maybe if we tap one three times it will cave in.
Yeah.
What if we talk to one of the taps in Snake, telling it to open up? It worked in Harry Potter.
Yeah, but none of us speak Snake.
On the contrary! You're talking to one of the only people in London who owns a snake!

Showing page 4.

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