All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
3-29-05
You'd be fine without your upper body, you said. You could just toss it away, and you'd go far, you said.
HA!

 

by kaufman
3-30-05
Where am I? What happened to me?
If you can't kill the cancer, you know the answer.
How dare you make a tasteless comic right after the death of one of our great defenders of justice. How do you justify such an action?
If he's got the tumor, you must use humor!

 

by kaufman
3-30-05
What's the latest news on the Pope's condition?
Did you hear that they've now put a feeding tube into him?
Yes, and I am comforted. It is likely now that His Holiness is receiving the care needed for him to fight this disease.
I wish I could share your optimism, but I fear there have been some complications.
What? Did he have a heart attack or something?
Worse. His wife is suing to have the tube removed.

 

by kaufman
3-31-05
Mr. Chekov, ever since you've come onboard, I've been getting complaints from the crew. Uhura says you tried to tell her the good news about Jesus Christ.
Scotty says he caught you putting holy watter into the warp drive. Sulu says you dumped all of his Romulan ale down the toilet.
And Bones tells me you were saying that I ought to be flogged for fathering a child out of wedlock, and "that harlot" Carol Macus should be stoned to death. For god's sake, what's gotten into you?
Oh, it was truly horrible, Keptin. They put preachers in our ears!

 

by kaufman
3-31-05
Good afternoon, you're on "Ask Dr. Kaufman." What can I do for you today?
I'm just wondering if you're surprised that Jerry Falwell is now being listed in stable condition?
Oh, not at all. I've been convinced for years that he was full of horseshit.

 

by kaufman
3-31-05
Excuse me, Prince Charles. Can you tell me what Soylent Red is made of?
Bloody people.

 

by kaufman
4-01-05
One day at the ranch...
Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
Uh oh.
APRIL FOOLS!
Ha, ha.

 

by kaufman
4-01-05

 

by kaufman
4-01-05
RAAAR!!! WHAT'S THAT?
It's a Ouija board, Tobor. Spirits from the afterlife guide your hands over a series of letters and spell out messages from the great beyond. Look, it's moving.
T_O_B_O_R... I_S... A... B_I_G... M_O_R_O_N... P_L_E_A_S_E... K_I_C_K... H_I_M... I_N... T_H_E... N_U_T_S...
TOBOR SOMEHOW IMAGINED THE AFTERLIFE TO BE A MORE PEACEFUL PLACE!
T_H_E... G_O_D_S... A_R_E... M_O_S_T... P_L_E_A_S_E_D... A_L_S_O... W_I_R_T_H_L_I_N_G... S_U_C_K_S...

 

by kaufman
4-06-05
Got to be careful here.
This forest sure has some low-hanging limbs.

 

by kaufman
4-06-05
The bus is ten minutes late.
Can't you conjure one up?
In theory I could, but creating matter out of nothingness causes an explosive imbalance with violent effects that I would just as soon avoid. We don't...
need another tsunami. I could also transmute, but then the question is what? It takes quite a bit of mass to create a bus, you know. That's why Cinderella's such...
You do realize that while you were telling me all that, the bus came by.

 

by kaufman
4-06-05
It was in comic #1832, on a day much like this ....
Hey Ramon, maybe we could get a hot tub installed up here. What do you think?
Cut it out, man, I think I'm dying.
Bummer.
I must tell you, Ia great treasure was brought by the founders of Stripcreator. It is hidden away. Your fate is to protect it.
Where and what is this treasure?
Remember: "Moh."

 

by kaufman
4-08-05
On Lake Mead above Hoover Dam, beneath the midday sun, we catch up with our treasure-hunting two ...
To find what we seek, we must go down. Put on your scuba gear so you don't choke.
... We'd better be quick, oxygen we don't have much.
Look, graffiti on the base of the dam, it's an ancient confession!
Signed by old users DexX and NastyPope?!?
If our treasure to light you wish to bring ...
Go back to the source, the start of this sham!

 

by kaufman
4-08-05
Hello there.
Hi.
I fear we've reached a dead end. That's all there is in Comic #1. No secret message, no nothing.
I still think I'm right. The clue could have been written on the back, no?
So what do you plan to do? Crack open your monitor and look at the comic from behind?
Sure, and if that doesn't work, head up to Brad's place. I'm pretty sure he's got the hardcopy original up there.

 

by kaufman
4-09-05
You're Him! I'm sure your return signals this planet's doom.
Armageddon as my motive has been rejected, for finding the great trasure is now my scheme.
If you think that loot would include a heart for me, I'll make it my destination.
And I reckon ... if it could get me back to Kansas, that would be so PHAT!
And so two new comrades upon this joyride hitch ...
Troops! I think the treasure can.
Play Mancini ... Play Mancini ...

 

by kaufman
4-09-05
So as the boom box dutifully starts up the Pink Panther theme, the hunt for Comic 1 resumes ...
da-dum, da-dum, da-dum da-dum-dee-dum ...
Perhaps Brad has hidden it in the commode.
Not in a box, not with his socks. Not on a chair, not in his hair.
I'm getting hungry doing all this searching. I'm going to see if he's got any green eggs and ham in the fridge.
I'll check the living room ... Who the heck are you?
Oh, I'm the female lead slash love interest who guards all the old strips. You need to convince me that it's worth giving to you.

 

by kaufman
4-12-05
Honey, did you put up the birdhouse in the back yard yet?
I'm getting to it now. I just finished putting up the squirrelhouse.
Could you do the elephanthouse first? They're trampling our begonias.

 

by kaufman
4-12-05
We've searched for hours, crossed dark forests, perilous streams, hellish swamps, and we finally found it, deep in this godforsaken no-man's-land.
Buried under a clod of fetid age-old moldy dirt, guarded by a nest of hungry snakes, just one short step from a sheer cliffside that will take us straight down to the ocean far below.
So, what do you suggest I do?
Well, Tiger would probably fade an 8-iron, and land it smack in the middle of the green ...

 

by kaufman
4-12-05
Yo, lady, did you see The Gates?
The what?
You know, The Gates. How can you miss it? There's Christo all over the place.
Oh, drat. That explains it.
I thought it was Crisco that was supposed to be all over the park this month

 

by kaufman
4-19-05
I'm telling you, that's where they've all been going.
Oh, very well. I'll get them back for you.
Is there a problem?
You've got to do something about the automatic ball return machine in Lane 17. It keeps sending the balls to Tahiti.

 

by kaufman
4-19-05
Gosh durnit, Sylvia, when you told me you was takin' me to a hangin', this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

 

by kaufman
4-19-05
This is bad.
How do you find your way out of a maze of passages all alike, when they're NOT twisty?

 

by kaufman
4-19-05
o/' On the good ship Lollipop ...

 

by kaufman
4-20-05
Behold this miracle. From this one loaf of bread, I provide enough food to feed all of you.
None of you, even those of you sitting way back there, will go hungry today.
Big deal, Jesus
What? Aren't you impressed by this miracle?
Hardly. We shop at Costco, too. Anyone can go there and get one of their huge economy size loaves.

 

I feel sick.
by kaufman, 4-22-05

 

by kaufman
4-23-05
And this proposal is truly as American as apple pie ...
*ahem*
... and cockroaches!
Back when the US had only 28 states, which puts it somewhere in 1846, as can be seen by the count of stars not masked by this big yellow narration box, there was another encounter...
Hey, I know you, you're Kafka's great grandfather. I've got something the kid might want to write about.
Well, just stew on it a bit. His parents aren't even born yet.

 

Namgubed and Kaufman prepare CC 280.
Do you know how a Star Wars geek makes stir-fry?
Ewoks.
by kaufman, 4-23-05

 

But Dolly, we have to fight. Daddy put us in the squared circle.
by kaufman, 4-24-05

 
by kaufman, 4-26-05

 

Jon thought that by locking himself in, he'd protected himself against cornholing. But then Tobor found that steamroller.
by kaufman, 4-26-05

 

by kaufman
4-26-05
I think we're the last two people alive. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
YES! It is our civic duty to repopulate the human race.
Exactly.
And we have no time to lose. I think my office is still intact. Let's head over there and get started on the double.
Okay, big boy. You've got me right where you want me. What would you like me to do first?
Start walking around and collect DNA samples from all the nearby corpses you can find. I'll start reading up on the Chinese cloning research.

 

by kaufman
4-26-05
Schmuck! Me's I.E. ... "Sex appeal, forbidden massage, wanna jack off? Atomic number pun!"
Oh hell, bust gut with jest -- spaghettied clue? Fuck it, you dolts.
You can do it! You can follow the thread with my key. Man, you all have your escape!
And you see, I'll have it fully decode in time, pure and not sloppy. Sit a tad serene, tour your old SC reports.
Why's he drawing this out -- in order to make good abuse?
He reflects he can't in rhyme spell this, so he'll go, yes, to the next strip to keep this theme alive.

 

by kaufman
4-26-05
Three sexually suggestive lines ... what number do they bring to mind?
SIXTY-NINE!
...Which is the atomic number of Thulium.
Which puns into the creation of Mr. Lovecraft. Find the first Call of Cthulhu in a comic.
Way back in comic 620, the narrator first invoked his name.
Why won't you open your eyes?
I had this marvelous dream about a tall, dark stranger, and I don't want to forget it

 

by kaufman
4-27-05
The ice cream is there. But the ice cream is not there. Enjoy your dessert.
Dammit, I said I wanted an ice cream CONE!
Will you quit clapping with that one hand? I can hardly hear myself think.
I will stop as soon as you are enlightened.
Found yourself a new roommate after Siddhartha moved out?
Yeah. I picked up some I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha.

 

by kaufman
5-02-05
So I'm trying to wrap up Act 2 with a bang. Right now Portnoy's locked in the wine cellar and Ophelia's got a flat tire, and...
Hang on, mmyers, stop the bike. I always wanted to visit Topeka.
Three Big Mac value meals comes to $14.67, and I'll need exact change -- we just got robbed, and my register's empty.
ROBBED? Forget our meal. Let's go, Mikey. We have crime to fight.
Later ...
Thanks to the two of you for helping to bring that robber to justice. And I must say, that nurse's outfit looks quite fetching on you, Mikey.
Well, just between you and me, Pita, I'm really turned on by you in that cop getup.

 

by kaufman
5-02-05
AIIIIIIIEEE!!!!!
It was horrible! This morning I found a horse's head in my bed.
You did? That's wonderful!
Wonderful? How can you say that?
James Brown must be in town!

 

by kaufman
5-02-05
What's going on in here?
This is the annual meeting of the Society of Arizona Legal Experts. Make yourself comfortable; drinks are over there.

 

by kaufman
5-03-05
To buy or not to buy, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the face to apply these pink mascaras and outrageous lipsticks or to take hand lotion against a sea of bath soaps.
Huh?
And I suppose I vend them. To buy, too cheap, go score! And by cheap to say we vend.
Sorry, but I'm not interested. I just came in here for a drink.
Who the hell was that?
Oh, that nutcase? She's the Bar Dove Avon Lady.

 
by kaufman, 5-04-05

 

Look, Charlie, I wrote "PIG" on the wall in blood, just like you said.
by kaufman, 5-06-05

 

by kaufman
5-06-05
o/` My fiancee's a chicken! My fiancee's a chicken! o/`
o/` My fiancee's a chicken! My fiancee's a chicken! o/`
You're taking this a bit too well, aren't you, John?
o/` My fiancee's a chicken! My fiancee's a chicken! o/`

 

by kaufman
5-06-05
And then the groom waits in the sincerest pumpkin patch he can find, and the Great Bride comes, and they live happily ever after.
AAAUUUGGGGHH!

 

by kaufman
5-06-05
Somewhere in New Mexico ...
*beep-beep*
She outran my bullet. I'd better call in a new order from ACME
*beep-beep*
Huh? She ate the ACME bride seed laced with iron pellets and then flat out outran my ACME Superelectromagnet?
*beep-beep*
My god, she's running fast enough to disintegrate the land under me. I'd better not look down, or I'll realize there's nothing below me but a two-mile drop.

 

by kaufman
5-06-05
Maybe we shouldn't have invited Del S
hannon to play at his backelor party.

 
by kaufman, 5-07-05

 

by kaufman
5-07-05
I, Jennifer, take you, John, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better, for worse, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
till death do us part, unless I can first saw through this damned leg iron.

 

by kaufman
5-07-05
I found you at last, Jennifer. Come back east with me.
You really don't want to take me with you.
That's where you're wrong. And you WILL come with me. Nobody says no to Tom DeLay.
But as I told you before, I'm just a runaway bride. Bride. Not bribe.
Oh. That's different. Here's some cab fare. Go to Vegas or something.

 

by kaufman
5-11-05
Look at that chick over there. We need to get her attention. Hit the horn, will you?
HONK, HONK! HONK, HONK!
HEY, BABY! HEY, HEY, BABY!
Do you believe that? She gave us a dirty look and sped off.
Some people. Well, I guess she'll eventually figure out that she's got a baby in the back seat.

 

by kaufman
5-17-05
US out of Iraq now!
No more bombs!
Don't you just hate where the Bush Administration lets us set up our protests?
Not half as much as their antipathy for the First Amendment.

 

by kaufman
5-17-05
There's only one other creature not blasted to a radioactive cinder.
I am totally famished.
AND I HATE SQUIRREL!

Showing page 44.

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