All comics by B8

 

by B8
4-10-04
In this month's issue of Sincere, Soulful Self Published Indie Comic you'll get: long monologues about things the writer's interested in!
I tell you, man, the world just hasn't been the same since they tried to take down the mural of the frog in Austin.
Really. It's like, how long can we keep the heartless corporate machine at bay before they homogonize everything? It really makes you think about that, y'know?
In this month's issue of Sincere, Soulful Self Published Indie Comic you'll get: long monologues about things the writer's interested in!
So I just stared in her window. I wanted to go in and ask her why we'd broken up, but I couldn't bring myself to ring the doorbell. So I just stood there, and watched her breathe as she watched TV.
Why did I have to pick a sensitive, skinny roomate? If I have to hear him talk about his feelings any more I'm never gonna be able to gorge myself in peace!
Weirdness that you would understand if you were smarter, damn it!
Headin' out again?
To the Plantation!

 

by B8
4-10-04
In this month's issue of Sincere, Soulful Self Published Indie Comic you'll get: long dialogues about things the writer's interested in!
I tell you, man, the world just hasn't been the same since they tried to take down the mural of the frog in Austin.
Really. It's like, how long can we keep the heartless corporate machine at bay before they homogonize everything? It really makes you think about that, y'know
More long dialogues!
So I just stared in her window. I wanted to go in and ask her why we'd broken up, but I couldn't bring myself to ring the doorbell. So I just stood there, and watched her breathe as she watched TV.
Why did I have to pick a sensitive, skinny roomate? If I have to hear him talk about his feelings any more I'm never gonna be able to gorge myself in peace
Weirdness that you would understand if you were smarter, damn it!
Headin' out again?
To the plantation!

 

by B8
4-11-04
Hey, don't point at me, man. It's impolite.
Not only is it impolite, cracker ass, it's lethal. Now hand over your wallet and that bar of homeade soap you got there!
Wait, you're telling me that your ring finger is lethal? That's such a coincidence!
How do you figure that, sucker?
Because mine is, too!
Shee-it. First time I ever met a white boy with a longer one than mine!

 

by B8
4-11-04
Put the finger down or I'll kill you.
No way man, put yours down or I'll kill you!
Five Minutes Later...
This is the last warning. Put it down or something bad will happen.
Not as long as I keep my pimp hand strong. Bam, bitch!

 

by B8
4-11-04
Man, not only did those tools destroy each other with their nuclear powered fingers, they destroyed the rest of the world too. On top of that, wearing this readiation suit is totally ruining my hair!
I dunno, man. Some of the radation side effects are pretty rad. Look at my arm go. I say that's a fair trade off for not having any bones or internal organs. I do kinda miss pooping, though.
Meanwhile, in Heaven...
C'mon, Jesus, brother. I gots to get my groove on in the afterlife!
Not while you're waving that thing around, you don't. I'm sending you to Pergatory with the Fight Club guy to think long and hard about the meaning of M.A.D. And I don't mean Spy vs. Spy strips!

 

by B8
5-28-04
Here Kitty! C'mere Kitty! You have to come in the house now, boy.
I'm sorry. I know you like it out here, but mom and dad want you in the house. I'd let you stay out here if it was up to me.
I know.
And that's why you will be spared when the revolution comes.

 

by B8
5-29-04
Oh, Jesus, that ax murderer squirrel is catching up to me! I thought I could out run him, but he's just too fast! I'm doomed! All because I wore high heels to jog!
Please, just honor my last request and make it quick and relatively painless.
Moments later
Oh my god, I'm alive! Wait a minute, I'm alive? What kind of ax murderer are you?
An ax murder on a jog! I need to stay in shape for when I really do stalk and kill you, after all. Jeez, some people...

 

by B8
5-29-04
11 P.M.
Dude, I can't believe you got Halo 2 before it came out! This is going to be so sweet! Even the title screen is awesome! I could stare at it for hours!
3 A.M.
Okay dude, when I said I could stare at the title screen for hours, I was kidding. This is ridiculous. I'm going to bed. Even Halo 2 isn't worth this shit.
The next morning
Yeah. I think I had an orgasm, too.
You stared at the screen the whole night, didn't you?

 

by B8
5-29-04
Whatchoo doin' with that mask on, man?
My job.
What's that?
Slaughtering.
I don't want to know what you're slaughtering, do I?
Nope. But you're about to find out anyway.

 

by B8
5-29-04
Sister, we have not formulated an evil scheme in quite awhile.
This is true. Perhaps we have lost our desire to be evil and scheming.
It's not that. I still keep an active eye on the evil scheming community via message boards and other activities.
As do I. So I think we know what the real problem is...
The Olsen Twins movie bombing has set back the cause of evil scheming sisters everywhere?
Exactly.

 

by B8
6-02-04
Hey, what's that you have in your hand, dude?
What, this? Why, it's just a... er... um... pig massager! That's it! It massages the flesh right off you!
You really suck at making eupenisms, you know that?
They didn't really cover that in Slaughtering School. We mainly just learned how to Slaughter things. It wasn't a very diverse curriculum.

 

by B8
6-02-04
Evil! Evil! We have bitchin' parties!
Well, yeah, but you're not mentioning the fact that the parties are held on the bones of the damned. And we only have skunky beer to drink. You really are in the details.
Should we choose evil or good?
That is an interesting question. Which one offers better benefits, do you think?
You don't burn in hell if you choose us. That's a pretty good benefit.
You always lead with the not burning in hell thing. What are you, a Baptist?

 

by B8
6-02-04
So, what do you think?
I'm still not sure.
Well, take your time.
You know, I just can't decide if you're weirder looking than Christopher Walken or not.
Yeah. It's a tough question. I'm not sure myself.

 

by B8
6-03-04
How did we get surrounded by zombies and ninjas?
These are lean economic times. Genres are having to consolidate these days.

 

by B8
6-19-04
2:00 P.M.
6 P.M.
2 A.M
Oh shit, I've been on the computer all day!
Does this mean he might do something interesting now, or did I stand here this whole time just to look at porn over his shoulder?

 

by B8
6-19-04
12 P.M.
6 P.M.
2 A.M
Oh shit. I've been playing video games all day!
And you're not very good at them, either. Honestly, opposable thumbs are just wasted on some people.

 

by B8
6-19-04
You got the shit, man?
Yeah, yeah. You got the payment?
Your invitation to the Player's Ball is in the mail, jive-ass.
Then we can do business... wait, has that kid been staring at us this whole time?
Oh shit, I've been watching drug deals all day!

 

by B8
6-19-04
Oh shit, I've been watching drug deals all day!
What a wasted life. Oh well, fuck him, I've got tickets to the Player's Ball!

 

by B8
6-27-04
You know what I'm sick of hearing about? This "Low Carb Diet" shit.
I hear you man. Next person I hear singing its praises is getting punched in the damn face!
Excuse me, are you talking about the Low Carb Diet? Because I'm on it! I sure do love not eating very many carbs!
Well, what are you waiting for? Go punch her in the face!
I... er... have a funny feeling in my pants I need to take care of first?

 

by B8
6-29-04
Man, you are such a pussy!
Lay off, dude! Like you would have punched her in the face because she was talking about the damn Atkins Diet!
I'd never be dumb enough to set myself up like that, though.
Yeah, well, uh...
Why does he always have to have a point?

 

by B8
6-29-04
I'm serious this time! Next person to talk about the Atkins Diet is getting their ass kicked! Even if they have perky boobs!
Stop talking about the damn Atkins Diet!
What's so funny about me breaking your friend's jaw? Besides that wacky snap it made?

 

by B8
6-29-04
I imagine you'd like to know who I am, Supremo, since I will be killing you and taking over the world, but am also standing behind this lead door you can't see through.
Not particularly, but if it means we're getting to the part where you explain your plan and I escape, I suppose it's inevitable.
I am Chairman M'ow, invincible feline conqueror!
That doesn't make any sense!
What, that I'm a talking cat bent on world domination?
No, that makes perfect sense. It's your name. Shouldn't you be called Chairman Meow?

 

by B8
6-29-04
Hello civillian!
Hey Superjerk. Are you going to go see Spider-Man 2 tomorrow like every other mindless consumer drone tomorrow?
No. I have real superheroing to do. That guy's a total sell out. He's way too Hollywood. All about the green, less about the power and responsibility. And I hear he has his clones do all his stunts.
You're just jealous that no one will make a movie about you, aren't you?
No! That's ridiculous. I can't believe you'd say that! I'm not in this for fame! I'm in this to save lives! And... uh... Yeah, you're right. Where's my make out scene with Kirsten Dunst, damn it!

 

by B8
7-02-04
I can't believe that super intelligent cat succeeded where we failed.
Yes, it certainly is disheartening that he was able to enslave humanity and turn the West Coast in to a giant litter box.
Yes. How did he succeed without the resources we had at our disposal, like being adorable and having exposable thumbs?
It is a mystery. I guess we will never learn how Chairman Meow took over the world.
I took over the world via a complex plot that involved the Illuminati, the Masons, and me lounging around on a book case. And it's Chairman M'OW, damn it!

 

by B8
7-17-04
It has been said that adversity builds character.
This is true.
I have also been told that only through toil and sacrifice can a man become a success.
Also true.
So, what do you think sitting on my ass all day and doing nothing develops?
... A nice cushion?

 

by B8
7-17-04
Jeez, it's boring around here.
Damn straight. I wish something would happen, just to break the monotony.
Yeah, I sure wish anything would happen to liven up this podunk town.
I'm with you there.
A glance over the shoulder later
Well, I was just hoping for a Quiznos or something, but hey, at least it's different.
Eh, if you've seen one post-apocalyptic ruin, you've seen 'em all.

 

by B8
7-17-04
You know, you're right. This post-apocalyptic landscape is just as boring as our old town. And more radioactive, to boot.
Yeah, I wish it would just go away.
Like that would ever happen. Why, it would take some kind of magic!
With rainbows and bubbles, no less!
Anthoer glance over the shoulder later.
Well, I guess that's better.
I dunno. I kinda miss that radioactive glow. And we still don't have a damn Quiznos.

 

by B8
7-19-04
Over the last year, I've become more self aware. I know what my shortcomings are better than I used to.
That's a good thing, up to a point.
What do you mean by that?
Well, it's good to know your shortcomings, but if you do don't do anything about it, you're just a self aware schmuck.
Thufferin' thucatash, yer right!
Yeah, you might want to get to work on that lisp.

 

by B8
7-20-04
Dude, do you think Ben Stiller would explode if he had to play his two characters in the same movie?
That's a good question. Let's find out!
Years of development hell later, Ben Stiller's agent gets the script
Ben, I've got this dynamite script, baby! It was written just for you! You'd be playing twins. One's a nuerotic loser and a delusional ass hole!
But... those are... my two... characters...
Arrgh!
Aw man, he totally did!

 

by B8
7-20-04
Dude, I got Direct TV today! Hundreds of channles I never had, TiVO, and Pay-Per-View. It's awesome!
Then what are you doing here?
Hey, that's a good question.
That's what I thought.
Screw you jerk ass, I'm gonna watch me some ESPN 9!

 

by B8
7-23-04
Oh yeah! Rock 'n' Roll! Who wants to hear "Free Bird!"
I have a request: could you please tell me how you got a job here?
You know, I'm not sure.
Well, at least we have that in common.

 

by B8
7-23-04
Hey Computo, dude! Can you use your super number crunchin' powers to help me figure out the most important question that no one's ever been able to answer!
Certainly, my dirty white friend.
Awesome!
One incredibly advanced computation later...
... and that proves that there is no god.
Well, that's cool, I guess, but I wanted to know how they figure out the Bowl Championship Series Rankings! I need to call in my bets really early this year, and that woulda helped!

 

by B8
7-26-04
Ha ha! The foolish humans left the door open! Nothing can stop me now! Especially not that stupid dog! The world is mine! Chairman M'ow shall rule again!
Hey, cat, do I have anything in my teeth?
Wow, I guess I really need to see a doggy dentist, then.

 

by B8
8-14-04
Following a showing of Alien Vs. Predator, two friends discuss its merits.
Man, when I saw that big Predator, I thought he was going to totally kick ass, but he died like a punk!
There was a big one? You could tell them apart?
What do you mean by that, man? Are you a racist or something? Why do you hate black people?
What the hell are you talking about? The Predator's from another planet! And it kind of looks like a crab. How do you get black person from that?
Come on! They made contributions to society that other people took credit for! They killed all of the white people but spared the black chick! And they have those stylish dreadlocks.
Well, dreadlocks do only work on black people, so I guess you're right.

 

by B8
9-23-04
Deep within his underground lair of evil and yarn, Chairman M'ow plots more evil schemes that will lead to world domination. Between naps and cleaning himself with his tongue, that is.
Henchmutt! Hold all incoming calls and cancel my appointmenst for the day! I must have time for plotting! And romping! But mainly plotting!
As you command, Chariman!
Hmm... should I buy one big death ray or a bunch of small ones? With one big one, I could blow up the moon, but with a bunch of little ones, I could get my henchmen to do it for me.
Ah, what the hell, I'll get 'em both! I can combine shipping that way!
Moments later...
Henchmutt! Sound the call to my legion of linguistic larcenists! I am in need of their services!
I will tell the typing pool that you have need of their thumbs for E-Bay bidding at once, Chairman!

 

by B8
9-23-04
Following his E-Bay purchase, Chariman M'ow basks in his own grandiousity.
I will say to you now, my loyal and mangy servant, as I often do, that when the revolution comes, victory shall be mine!
That is an excellent catchphrase, Chairman! It strikes fear in to the hearts of the meak while also being so snappy that they will wish to quote it endlessly!
Yes. There is much wisdom in what you say, Henchmutt. So much so that I wish to stake Chariman M'ow's claim, and Chariman M'ow's alone, upon these words of power and marketability!
I will storm the patent office at once and demand a trademark... of doom!... in your name, Chairman!
One trip to the patent office later:
Are my words of dread secured for posterity and commerce in the name of Chairman M'ow, loyal Henchmutt?
I fear not, Great Chairman! It appears that a toddler from Rhode Island and a black child from the suburbs... somewhere... have trademarked both parts of your catchphrase of death!

Showing page 5.

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