All comics by DJWeeman

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by DJWeeman
10-01-03
And thats when I said, grandpappy, lay down that soup cause your marsh melons rolling home!
That's a great idea my sugar stump. I think I got a better one though.
Are we going to sell our souls to Toys are Guns?
Eventually, but I say until the demon is in a better mood, we go on a road trip!
Spasms!
Did you here that Chuck Pickin'? We're rolling west!

 

by DJWeeman
10-01-03
Well, your plan worked demon.
Yeah, kind of. At least they left us.
We can have some party here with all the sane people that are left!
Nice! With lots of drugs, and alchohol. Now you're talking.
... You do realize people are probably going to care more about their road trip then us don't you?
Crap.

 

by DJWeeman
10-01-03
It's a shame we didn't think of this sooner.
Yeah really.
Why didn't you just kill the finger puppet thing like we agreed on anyhow?
I got side tracked.
And it complimented my abs.
Firm!!

 

by DJWeeman
10-02-03
Well guys, we're all set for our trip! Sun screen, sun tan lotion, tanning oil, and large amounts of pornography!
Breasts!
Now all we need is to figure out where we're going to go?
I always wanted to see the Grand Teet Tons, I heard there bellies are of gold and flesh of rubber!
The rocky mountains it is!
South!

 

by DJWeeman
10-02-03
It's a good thing I packed this thermus of pinecones, the waters are sure dripping something fierce.
Plant!
I wonder if we should have actually rented a car or something.
Walkings the only way to go Hot Spot. My mother in law always said, Chicken.
You got a point. Well, only a 2,700 mile hike guys and we're in Tennesseean glory!
Pickin!

 

by DJWeeman
10-02-03
Man, its sure boring around here with the idiots gone.
Yeah, I admit beating them up and having my way with them did have its moments.
Think they'll survive so we can live to bother them once again?
They might last a week.
Most likely... want to go get stoned or something?
Nice.

 

by DJWeeman
10-02-03
Man, this is bringing back my childhood memmories.
Boo, I'm going to kill you.
Even I could beat you up.
That sucked.
What, I could beat you up too.

 

by DJWeeman
10-04-03
Well Jungle Jims, it's been many moods since we left and I don't know where we left the sound garden.
Is this Arizona? I thought you were navigating my sweet and sour pork.
No Porthalomew, the man in charge is running that parade.
Charge!
He's been saying south the whole time. That wouldn't take us to Tennessee at all.
Oh no, sounds like I dropped the ball.

 

by DJWeeman
10-04-03
It's a good thing I brought nourish mints for our long johns silver.
You brought twenty pounds worth of sea weed?
Don't get greedy on me Winafred, that's to last us the whole nine yarns.
It's times like this that I wonder about our marriage.
Don't doubt my love Mary gold, its as deep as a fat man in the kiddie pool.
Ah, I can't stay mad when you're so sweet. Give me some sugar.

 

by DJWeeman
10-04-03
I love you so much, my obese beef.
Flattery gets you no hair, sugar pea.
Come lay with me!
Laid!!
Why the hell did we bring him?
I think he's my mothers son.

 

by DJWeeman
10-04-03
Meanwhile:
It's a good thing we threw a party while they're gone.
One of the smartest decisions we ever made!
I'd say only second to the decision to throw it at the priests house.
Yeah, that's a good one too.
Soon after:
Please, don't hurt my home too much young people.
It's a party! Look at me dance you sexy beast you.

 

by DJWeeman
10-04-03
One of the best things about it is that the priest can ask for all of the forgiveness for us.
Nice.
Who wants to get some action?
I'm ready too.
Please tell me you're not taken yet.
Lord forgive her, and forgive her. And lord save me.

 

by DJWeeman
10-05-03
*singing* Do a little dance, make a little love.. and make a little more love. And get down tonight.
Demon, there's not enough cute guys here. I've allready dated all of them online.
Good thing it was only dating.
Well, we did more then that.
Did they know what you look like?
Shut up!!

 

by DJWeeman
10-05-03
Well, at least I found someone who I haven't dated yet.
Hey there baby, why don't we go take a little tour of the grand canyon.
That means sex right?
Yes, thats what I was inferring...
Okay then. I should warn you though, my genitals have been compared to a turkey and giblets.

 

by DJWeeman
10-05-03
Poor Demon. Good thing I know where to find the good ones.
Please, I'm just a little girl.
I got an idea. Do you have an older sister?
I have a younger sister..
That's not helping much.
I know the alphabet!

 

by DJWeeman
10-07-03
Meanwhile, where IQ's are below 4:
We found the ocean Thunder Side, now how are we supposed to navigate the Berring Straight?
Hmm, I didn't know there was an ocean in Arizona either. This is kind of weird.
Did we get turned around at some point and go to the Pacific Ocean?
Specific!!
Why don't we head on home like Extra Testicles?
No, we can't do that honey. We've travelled so far. Let's go north to Canada instead!

 

by DJWeeman
10-07-03
A few feet down the road:
We've been living off nibbling on the road side gravel for four days now, We really should stop and beg for food somewhere.
Stoned!
I'm thinking that maybe we should head into the big city and get some rest.
We can't do that Tour Fairy, there the police will bind you down and make you recite the olympics.
You got a point, the police don't take too kindly to the homeless.
I remember one time they cuffed my ears and hung me my tail while singing "blow the man down".

 

by DJWeeman
10-07-03
It's getting late now. This looks like a good place to rest.
Morgue!
Little late to be wandering around a graveyard isn't it guys?
Pig!
...What was that?
Nothing, nothing at all sir. That was just our brainless friend. Please don't rape us.

 

by DJWeeman
10-07-03
It's still kind of suspicious to me.
I'm serious sir. We're just walking on our way to Canada and were walking through here on our way to find somewhere to sleep.
Do you have any kind of i.d on you?
I've got what brand of cigarette on my butt. Marlboro baby.
I see... and what's that thing?
Oh no, he's eying me like a piece of candy. Wish i could shrivel up like a baloon.

 

by DJWeeman
10-07-03
Well guys, I'm going to have to give you a citation for being out past cerfew. And being beligerant to an officer. Have a good night.
Thanks Salamander, we promise to walk on our feet at all times now.
Geez, that was scary.
Frightened..
It's a good thing he only gave us a citation and not a ticket.
That's for sure pushin' pop. I almost lost my ear lobe on that one.

 

by DJWeeman
10-08-03
Some number of weeks and/or days later:
What the hell, I owe the court 175 dollars? He gave me a citation, not a ticket.
Maybe you mispelled your eyes and dotted your tea.
No, look here honey maggot, it says I need to send a check before the 14th or I get a arrested?
On Saint Valenteens day? That's a travesty.
I've got three weeks to get that money. Lord help us.
And may he bless our bowls with banana pudding running over with creams cakes.

 

by DJWeeman
10-08-03
Well, I guess I can always have a bake sale.
Muffins are half price. You bake 'em we buy 'em. Try them and deny them.
Or maybe um.. a lemonade stand?
Those can get messy. One time a stand fell over, and people died.
And worst comes to worst, I'll have to sell my body on the street.
It's anything for a dollar in these rustic days. Just don't forget to tape your legs together for good measures.

 

by DJWeeman
10-08-03
Well guys, I came back from a hard days work.
I made you dinner. A grave stone, allready with gravel and butter on the side for dippin'.
I made twenty bucks allready. 18 of it from people smoking my cigarettes, and the other two from selling my body to ten people.
You're working hard son of Sam. Why don't you take your loads off and make yourself a home?
Thanks dear. Sometimes I wonder why the law has to be so harsh.
It's only fair Martha. Some of them were beaned as a wee child.

 

by DJWeeman
10-08-03
Umm I got a question for you downey flake.
Don't worry, I put the toilet seat down. It's flushing like a meadow.
Thank you. But its not that. Wheres the handpuppet thing?
Margerita's gone for a short joggin'. She'll be back before you can say "Frail fruits."
Puppet.. thing.. are you here?
Hiding!!

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
I sold my two hundred and thirteen times. Thanks to a few obese women and frightening desperate men, I got enough money for the ticket! And a pack of gum!
This is like Saint Williams day, where everyone wheres knickers and sings the fiddle.
And probably most important, we can move on from this graveyard.
Right when you start to feel at home, you die.
Are you going to miss our home here dear?
Nope. Just the place where my piddle has puddled like a mud mound.

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
Well, we're packed. Two pounds of grease, a cheese nip, and a book of acronyms.
Don't forget my pet piece of grass. She'll clean our dishes and take us out to eat.
Is there anything else I forget?
Where to place your soul coupons. You can't leave those in dust.
You're right. Where'd Pablo go?
Searching!

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
Two weeks later:
We think the glorious shores of. umm.. England?
I think we took two lefts at the right Shoryu. This looks more like Prance to me.
Maybe we came at a bad time.
Looks like the recreation to me. We better let her do her dirty work.
That run down hotel should serve for a place to stay for the night at least.
Sex!

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
A few moments before:
Man, that's the last time I have gas. Look what happened.
Now how are we supposed to get cheap rates around here again?
We can maybe rebuild, make it a bigger better city.
Do you realize how much money and man power that would take?
You got a point. Should we just attack people that walk by here so we can stay for free then?
Now you're thinking.

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
Well, the old bladders empty now. Where'd my baby heifer go?
Tacked!
He's being attacked! Pudding oppossum, there you are.
Oh no, I think I lost their yahtzee.
Come back here you weird fat thing!
Well, at least we found our dinner.

 

by DJWeeman
10-09-03
You, halt, you're in our territory.
Oh no, I'm going to get arrested for not hornoring his coupon.
Give us food, and we may let you pass peaceably.
I remember this one time a lizard sat on the wall, and I thought he held the Savouis Faire.
... What the hell is wrong with you?
That's a long discussion Trogan Ram, and I don't think you got the grapes.

 

by DJWeeman
10-11-03
His partner in crime isn't doing much better:
Hey there, why don't you keel over and die so I can eat you?
Geez, that's a mean thing to say.
... Are you gay or something?
I don't think so, but sometimes I wonder.
What would you taste like anyways?
Umm, I guess it'd be kind of like tabacco and urine.

 

by DJWeeman
10-11-03
Hey Lizman, I found another.
Say there, homely looking thing. Would you care to feed two starving creatures?
Flirting!!
...What the hell?
Rooting Rasberries!

 

by DJWeeman
10-11-03
So, are you going to eat us?
No, I think we've pretty well resigned to the conclusion your the most inedible group of travellers we've ever heard pass this way.
You're not like most of the predatory animals that we've met.
Interesting. What did the others do?
Well, some nibbled on our loins. Others severed our limbs. Even a couple strewn our insides over the ground.
Really makes my job difficult to live up to such high standards.

 

by DJWeeman
10-11-03
We'll I suppose we should be moving on.
Allright. Take care. Don't forget to give us a call sometime.
That's the nicest group of dinosaurs I've ever had attack us.
You said it Sequin King, I'm crying a well of tears.
Oh, don't do that my watermelon. We'll be sure to call them up sometime and say hi.
I can't be sad when you make things as clear as a made out car window.

 

by DJWeeman
10-12-03
My expert navigational skills tell me we're almost at the Candian border.
My uncle ate a conadian maple leaf, and he died.
You are your sad stories dear. Lets camp here and call it a night.
Sure thing Limestone, my plums are dog tuckered.
You said it. Is that puppet thing still with us?
Dancing with wolves!

 

by DJWeeman
10-12-03
That night:
Ohh, some travellers to frighten away from my grave with scary sounds.
Sleeping!
Booo, leave this place now.. its dangerous here.. and stuff..
Oh, Pablo, you found a new friend. Welcome to our travelling band of highway warriors white thing.
Don't be a foool, I'm a Ghost!!
Someones picky about titles. Your name can be Whitey. May I offer you a ten week old chicken nugget or ball of grass for tender nourishment?

 

by DJWeeman
10-12-03
My big beefy man.. woman... come here we have a new friend?
I had a friend when I was three, but they moved to Kentucky to be the colonel chicken.
Whitey, meet my love partner, the cow thing.
Pleased to meet you Happen Sauce, we're regular name growlers now.
Noo, I'm a ghost... be scared of me!! I may haunt you for the rest of your life!!
I allready have a partner Freud, but if things fall apart I'll number your call.

 

by DJWeeman
10-12-03
Back to the rest of the gang for a moment:
That was some party wasn't it?
You bet. I don't remember a thing.
We didn't clean, we didn't buy anything. That's the stuff.
Definately. Though I did leave the priest a few momentos.
My home is ruined. There's bottles and stains everywhere. And these deflated baloons.. that doesn't look like a baloon at all!

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
What do we do now that the parties over?
We can.. make a band?
Where did that idea come from?
Hell if I know.
Sounds great to me though. Don't tell me you're going to be the exotic dancing drummer again.
What? It's what I do.

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
We have a bit of a dilema.
Don't tell me you got your penis stuck in a shampoo bottle again.
No, I learned my lesson. The problem is where are we supposed to get other band members?
Good point. We're surrounded by people that make Jerry Springer guests look smart.
We can be real original and hold some competition to see who we can find that can actually place an instrument.
That's too original. We should just roam the streets instead. Just like we do when we look for loving.

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
Hey you, strange looking thing.
What is it good sir?
Can you play any instruments that would be in a rock band? And play them well preferably?
Nay good sir, I occupy myself in the pleasent task of preparing gifts for children on the glorious day of Christmas.
Least we could do is find some people who speak English.
Ah, I see our conversation has ended. Fair thee well stranger, and have a wonderful holiday!

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
The demon is hunting as well:
Hey, you, faggot, can you play an instrument?
Well, I have been known to play the washboard.
How about one that doesn't suck nuts?
I don't deserve to live. Excuse me while I commit suicide.
I hate when people are over dramatic.
Of all the stupid ways to die why did I do this?

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
This is helpless. No one spends the time to get good with an insturment anymore.
Hey you, do you play any instruments?
Piss off bitch.
Well, you talk like a rock star.
A large zip lock baggie of weed and you got yourself a bassist.

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
Demon, check it out, I found us a bassist.
Go to hell.
Hell is where I live you idiot. Anyhow, good job DJ.
Thanks. Did you find anyone?
Not a single person, though this guy has been following me?
Bare my children!!!!

 

by DJWeeman
10-14-03
I think we're all set. A bass, a guitar, you got the drums, and I can sing horribly.
It's great. We could be like any other crappy band that doesn't know their instruments but gets famous. Like the Ramones.
I'll write all the songs. All we need is some really funny catchy stuff.
Yeah, and we always make up those kinds of sayings anyhow.
......................
............Umm, allright, the guitar guy can write our lyrics.

 

by DJWeeman
10-16-03
It's a good thing we've been working heard.
It's true. The guitar guy is playing all the time, and I played the drums on the priests head for nearly three hours.
So, guitar guy, what have you come up with so far?
Wail on me, wail on me you wiggly crawfish. All niiiiight!!!!
Nice.
It doesn't get much more insightful then that.

 

by DJWeeman
10-16-03
On the less inteligent side of things:
We're on our way to Kalamazoo, but if you like this soul train climb aborn.
I don't want to join you, I just want to scaaare yooou.
Ooh, good jon honey. You found a big marshmallow for us to eat.
What the hells wrong with yooou? I'm haunting you.
We're eating tonight! Grab some sticks and we'll roast it.
Running away from yoou.

 

by DJWeeman
10-16-03
They chased him until he was cornered:
There you are you marshmallow.
Noo, stay awaayy or I'll haunt you.
They always look nicer on the bag. Oh well, dig in.
Nooo!!
Chewing!!
It tastes like my momma's apple pie, when she had no legs.

 

by DJWeeman
10-16-03
I just realized something guy.
You don't know if your a mans or email?
No, I've learned to cope with that. I just realized we chased him into a prison.
Oh no, this is almost worst then that time they strapped a hobbit to my tail and made me swim in the toilet.
We're just going to keep each other company and take care of each other as a team allright? We will survive.
It reminds me of that real tea show where people don't like each other, and they get thrown onto torches..

 

by DJWeeman
10-16-03
Things are getting harsh sugar buns, we're out of our last ghost limb.
And I was going to put my life savings in the river bank to put her through juinor college too.
And in these three days, no ones even dropped by our cell.
We're were probably too hot for t.v.
If worst comes to worst, we can nibble on our own limbs.
Chewey!

Showing page 5.

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