All comics by deathtoradio

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by deathtoradio
10-21-09
So who's this motivational speaker for tonight?
Brace yourself. Ted fucking Nugent. I can't imagine what he could possibly teach us.
...and that is how you gut and butcher your own deer.
It would also hypothetically work on a man, if say, you got snowed in a tour bus in the winter of 85' in Montana and had to eat the fattest of your 5 roadies to survive.

 

by deathtoradio
10-23-09
So let me get this straight Mr. President. You want to print enough money to completely devalue our dollar, so that those squinty-eyed bastards over in China will go bankrupt?
Uh, yeah. Pretty much.
Dammit man, it's so radical it might just work.

 

by deathtoradio
10-30-09
Trick or treat. Give us some candy douchebags.
Give us something good or I'll say you fondled my raisins.
We got two on the doorstep. Which ones have razorblades in them?
The Kit Kats....wait, no. The Snickers have razorblades. The Kat Kat's just come with a Yanni cd.
A Yanni cd? Dude, I'm fucked up, but I'm not a monster.

 

by deathtoradio
11-13-09
::::Raaawwwwrrrrr:::::
Bonersaurus Rex angry!
Arms long enough to reach coffee, but not dick.

 

by deathtoradio
11-14-09
Thank god I'm not flexible enough to suck my own dick.
My boner's made of meat.

 

by deathtoradio
11-14-09
If I hypothetically fell into a tar pit and died. And then some scientist in the future dug me up.
They would think my dick was hard because it was fossilized.
When in fact it has always been that hard.

 

by deathtoradio
11-25-09
Dude, I'm so fucking high right now. I can see your corn rows growing.
I can feel my corn rows growing. I got a big ol' farm growin' on my head. A big ol' farm of corn.
Your corn rows are making me hungry.
Let's go to Black Castle.
After many hours of stoner hijinks...
Why did we come to Black Castle, again? I'm fucking hungry.
Let's ride a panda to Taco Bell.

 

by deathtoradio
11-27-09
...and the male fiddler crab, has one claw that is much bigger than the other one. It uses the giant claw to attract females.
Psh. All I got to attract females, is this big black cock.

 

by deathtoradio
12-25-09
...so yeah, I'm an officer manager. How about you?
I'm a mule.
That's funny. You don't look like a mule.
Why thank you.
I'd like to think I don't look like the type of guy who would smuggle drugs across the border in his ass.

 

by deathtoradio
1-30-10
Hey, we're headed over to Sal's Pizza for Pizzageddon.
Pizzageddon?
Yeah, it's the final pizza oriented showdown, in which the Pizza-Messiah will defeat the Anti-Pizza-Christ.
The end times, bro.
Once when you were sleeping, I grabbed your head and shook it. I was unshocked to find it sounded like a pea rattling around in a large tin can.

 

by deathtoradio
2-11-10
What's up, chief?
Do I look Native American to you?
Wuh?
You just addressed me as, "chief." To which tribe do we belong?
So...workin' hard, or hardly workin'?
Your scalp would look lovely hanging on the wall of my Teepee. And by "Teepee," I mean cubicle.

 

by deathtoradio
2-16-10
What are you doing awake, I thought you were sick?
I coughed myself awake.
Which, all things considered, is way better than shitting yourself awake.

 

by deathtoradio
2-16-10
Why do YOU look so pissed off?
Some asshole was trying to argue the merits of AFI as a punk band.
What???
I know!
Please. The mere fact that they are sold at Hot Topic would EASILY preclude them from the genere. Not to mention the fact that they blow.
I guess you can lead a horse to water---but you can't force it to listen to good music.

 

by deathtoradio
2-16-10
What are you and Rachel up to, tonight?
Uhg. We're kind of avoiding each other.
Why's that?
Last night, after watching Clerks 2 for the umpteenth time, we decided to go ass-to-mouth, despite Dante's warnings, to never do so.
And?
Well, I kind of wish she would have gone ass-to-breath-mint beforehand.

 

Perfect. I'll hang the picture right here.
by deathtoradio, 2-28-10

 

by deathtoradio
3-02-10
What?
Do I have a boog?
There's something on my face, isn't there?

 

by deathtoradio
3-15-10
Where the fuck is that bartender? Is this an AA meeting or a bar?
Look at this asshole. He isn't even wearing pants, and he got a beer. I bet if I wasn't wearing pants I'd get a beer.
Oh my god! My world is SOBERING right before my eyes! Quick, random stranger, give me your beer, and I'll give you my pants.

 

by deathtoradio
3-20-10
What's in the bag?
It's a bag of ass.
Let me smell it. That way, I can reference it in the future when referring to something that smells less than desirable.

 

by deathtoradio
3-20-10
There you are, you fat fuck.
Ho ho ho...that's not very---
Shut the fuck up and feed me. I need all the calories I can if I'm gonna haul your fat ass around.
Well, I don't think that's very---
It puts the FOOD in the DISH or It gets the hose again.

 

by deathtoradio
3-24-10
What the fuck are ambulances doing at a funeral home?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here---but I think they're probably a little too late.

 

by deathtoradio
3-26-10
Can I bum a smoke?
Uh--hell to the no.
What? Quit being a cheap ass and give me one.
Are you kidding? These things are like gold anymore. I had to put a second mortgage on the cave to buy this pack.
Well...I didn't, but the guy whose identity I stole did.

 

by deathtoradio
3-28-10
Nice tits, babe.
Grrrr.
That guy rubs me the wrong way.
How can I rub you the right way?
Me and my big mouth. Hey, buddy, hold up!

 

Oh god. Here comes that fucking know it all dinosaur. Mr. I-can-give-you-another-word-that-means-the-same-thing-as-the-word-you-just-said.
Hey, Thesaurus! What's another word for "fuck you?" No, I'm serious. I want to know.
by deathtoradio, 3-28-10

 

by deathtoradio
4-06-10
Hey, sweetie. Come here. Maggie said her first word. Come on Maggie, say it again: Fire Truck.
Come on, say it for momma.
Fire Fuck.

 

by deathtoradio
5-11-10
Fuck. Gotta shit. Gotta shit. Can't hold it.
Dude, can you handle the presentation when the boss gets here. I have to use the Ryan Seacrest.
Oooooh, yeah, that could be a problem
What? No, no problems. I have to go NOW!
Well...you're gonna have to wipe with your tie, we're all out of Simon Cowell. I just used the last roll.

 

The other day I bought a box of Cracker Jacks, whose only prize was MORE Cracker Jacks.
by deathtoradio, 5-17-10

 

by deathtoradio
5-21-10
Wanna buy some drugs?
I'd fucking love some drugs, but I'm broke.
I got one word fo yo cracka ass: Layaway.
Wuh?
Layaway, mutha-fucka. I put the drugs aside, and when you is all paid up, the drugs is yours.

 

by deathtoradio
5-21-10
Wanna buy some drugs?
Can I buy on credit?
Do bears shit in the woods? I just need to run a quick credit check, my man.
Great, my credit score is effed. I'm never gonna get those drugs.
Lemme see. You got bof of yo knee caps and all your teef. Credit approved.

 

by deathtoradio
5-22-10
If I had robo-cock---right here is whre it would go.
I would pee from it.
And other...stuff.

 

by deathtoradio
5-22-10
That pose reminds me of my wife.
She drags her teeth, too.

 

by deathtoradio
5-27-10
What I said.
I see you're buying OTC sleep aid. Does that stuff really work?
Well, it doesn't knock you out like roofies---but, you know---it gets the job done.
What I should have said.
I see your buying OTC sleep aid. Does that stuff really work?
Yes.

 

by deathtoradio
5-27-10
Things that have been inside George Michaels...
Andrew Ridgeley, a twinkie, the 80's, Tylenol, Vaseline, a squirrel, olive oil...
part of the Berlin wall, a cucumber, Walter Cronkites microphone, one of the four Beatles, Orlando Bloom...
Chunky Monkey, R. Kelly, a yellow Starburst, Antique Roadshow volumes 1 thru 7...

 

by deathtoradio
5-30-10
Have you probed the female human yet?
Probing wasn't necessary.
And why not?
Well, sir, turns out she gets probed professionally. She brought dvd's.

 

by deathtoradio
5-31-10
Look, I know you have some reservations about blind dates, but I'm telling you, this girl is smokin' hot.
Okay, you talked me into it. After all, how bad could she be?
Uh...is that coming from your...vagina? Oh good. It is. What's that? You want me to shake it?
So it didn't go well?
Did that thought occur during the first beating, or the second?

 

by deathtoradio
6-02-10
Yeah, I called you back here cause I wanted to talk. Now I don't mean to be racist---I know you're zombie-american, but we just had another employee go missing.
And, you know---after we caught you making that intern sandwich....
Maybe you should stop talking and go back to whatever it was you were doing before you decided to come in here and point fingers.
So that's it? You're just going to turn a blind eye, all in the name of racial sensitivity?
I don't know about you, pal. But the last thing I want is a zombie Al Sharpton showing up down here with all his friends. Cause I'm pretty sure THOSE motherfuckers don't eat fried chicken.

 

by deathtoradio
6-03-10
What up, Amish, dude? Wanna buy some drugs?
Drugs are against my faith.
But these drugs will help you do twice the work of the other Amish.
Can I barter some chickens for the drugs?
Throw in a watermelon and you got yo self a deal.

 

America has officially lost it's armpit. New Jersey has had it's statehood revoked for allowing Mtv to film season 2 of The Jersey Shore, and exceeding the federal limit of fake tans and fist pumping.
by deathtoradio, 6-04-10

 

Ffffffffffffffffff
When I said I wanted a blow job, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
by deathtoradio, 6-07-10

 

by deathtoradio
6-08-10
I decided from here on out, I'm going to attend every meeting dressed as Darth Vader and breath all heavy and shit.
I have two words for you: SHIT CANNED. The boss wouldn't tolerate such a blatant violation of the dress code.
Fuck that dude. If he so much as raised an eyebrow to me, I'd pull out my motherfuckin' light saber. And just when he points out that it's a plastic toy and laughs...
BAM! I'll kick him in the junk so hard, that all of his kids will be born with birth marks that look like a Nike logo.
Do we get to rebuild the death star upon his defeat, or would a simple end-zone style celebration dance suffice?

 

by deathtoradio
6-17-10
Did you do that favor I asked? The boss really has me under the gun here.
Do tree frogs eat people the indigenous peoples of Brazil, while simultaneously donkey-punching your grandma to the Macgyver theme song, while reading the Wallstreet Journal to black babies in Africa?
Sooooo....is that a yes?
What was the question, again? I forgot my Ritalin at home today.

 

by deathtoradio
6-18-10
You there, Mevlin!
Yes, talking, burning copier?
It's me, God.
Like...the one from the bible?
Uh, yeah, the one from the bible.
Lord, are you gay? Cause you are totally flaming right now.

 

When you said "hotdog down a hallway," I thought you were exaggerating.
If anything, I think I under-exaggerated.
by deathtoradio, 6-19-10

 

by deathtoradio
6-21-10
What's in the bag?
Chunky Monkey.
I said *ass* cream you moron. Now how the hell am I gonna get rid of my hemorrhoids.
We can still eat the ice cream, right?

 

by deathtoradio
6-23-10
So, you interested in the '77 model?
I don't know. You said the previous owner bought 'er when she was already 18, and then had her for 15 years. It's not like she just rolled off the assembly line.
Look, if it's the vagina you're worried about, don't worry. It's not worn out at all. She was super religious---barely touched. The word "pristine," comes to mind.
How are the "headlights."
The previous owner had them replaced 6 months ago. But hell, don't take my word for it. Drop by and take her for a test drive.
I think I'm gonna take you up on that. It'd be good to "kick the tires," before I buy.

 

by deathtoradio
6-29-10
I think that guy over there is missing an arm.
My uncle lost an arm.
Oh yeah?
Yep.
Did he lose it in Vietnam?
Nah---got it caught in a vending machine. Fucking thing stole his 50 cents.

 

by deathtoradio
6-30-10
Hey, there goes Ron Jeremy.
That's not Ron Jeremy.
Dude, that was totally Ron Jeremy!
Was not!
See that bulge in his jeans. That's either a 12" cock, or he's smuggling a fucking python into the country.
Ew, I hate pythons.

 

by deathtoradio
7-09-10
That's it. Your man-card has been revoked. You can hand in your penis to the bouncer on your way out.

 

If you were to stack cheese bugers from here to the moon, you'd die---cause there's no oxygen in outer space.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

Every time a carnie has sex, a new herpes simplex is created.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

In some cultures, sending a neighboring country a Pauly Shore, is a declaration of war.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

Showing page 5.

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