All comics by deathtoradio

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by deathtoradio
9-06-07
Dude, are you fucking serious? You're wearing that to the office party? Do you really want to be THAT guy?
Bro. It was on sale.
I swear to god. Pink? And what's the deal with the Village People 'stache? Are you going to be offering mustache rides?
Be right back.
Better?
How does a fucking axe make this get-up look anymore appealing?

 

by deathtoradio
9-06-07
Tell me you've seen the new intern.
Yeah. I talked to him a little bit ago. He kept babbling about enslaving all of man kind or some shit.
Soon they will all be mine.
Upper management is going to be so pissed. They totally called dibs on that.
I do think I recall something about signing over the rights to my soul when I was hired.

 

by deathtoradio
9-06-07
Ok. Who the fuck ate my brains? They were in the fridge and CLEARLY labeled with my name.
I'm not one to point fingers, but...
Don't even play that shit. You guys know I'm vegan.

 

by deathtoradio
9-06-07
Holy shit! Guys, I think we got a Roomba.
Shouldn't you be vacuming the floor or something?
Nevermind. It's probably just a toaster...or Ted's replacement.

 

by deathtoradio
9-07-07
...then right in the middle of the date he's all "can I eat your brains?"
Get out!
Yeah, then he's all "come on baby, it's like getting to 4th base with the undead, everybody's doing it."
Ah-uh, girl. You ain't no hoochie momma. Hang on to that frontal lobe.
Pig!
So...awkward.

 

by deathtoradio
9-07-07
Ok, ok, I have one. Why do scottish men wear kilts?
Here we go again with the kilt.
Because sheep can hear the sound of a zipper unzipping a mile away.
Ha ha ha ha.
?

 

by deathtoradio
9-07-07
That is probably the worst case of guitar face I've ever seen.
But it's cool, dude. Some Yanni will clear that right up.

 

by deathtoradio
9-07-07
What time is it? You guys know what time it is!
Casual Friday in the hiz-ous!
Hell yes! Casual Friday up in this motherfucker.
Did I hear someone say casual Friday?
Oh, you know you did!

 

by deathtoradio
9-09-07
Jesus Christ!
Yes?...oh god damn it, are you just yelling at the copier again? You know, I can't keep coming down here every time you get a paper jam.
Did someone call my name?

 

by deathtoradio
9-10-07
I don't know why people are always giving the President shit. I mean, the man is clearly a genius.
Wuh?
I was watching his speech last night and he seriously made up FIVE new words. That's right, FIVE.
Riiiiiggghhhttt.

 

by deathtoradio
9-11-07
Coffee, c-c-c-coffee, want some coffee?
Um, no.
Wuh-wuh-wuh-why not? I just made it.
I failed a drug test the last time I had some of your coffee.

 

by deathtoradio
9-16-07
How did we ever find things before some uber nerds dreamed up Google in their parents garage.
Yeah, really, we had to resort to looking under rocks like some kind of savage cave people and shit...all painting buffalo on the cave walls and what not.
I couldn't find my socks the other day. And Google was all "try behind the couch." And then proceeded to produce a Google map plotting a course to the nether regions of said couch.
And I bet Google was right on the money.
Hell yeah. Am I not wearing socks today?
They sure as hell look like socks.

 

by deathtoradio
9-18-07
Do you think god has an "Easy Button?"
What, like cruise control for the universe?
Yeah. Like he wakes up one day and decides he's too lazy to put up with our shit. You know how it is. I know I can't stand your shit sometimes.
...come to think of it, that would explain a lot. It's probably not nearly as infallible as god. I mean if he was already feeling lazy he probably outsourced the chinese to build it.
Go on.
I don't know, maybe one day he pushes the button...isn't paying attention. Boom! Fucking platypus. Half beaver, half duck. Even god isn't sure what the fuck it is.

 

by deathtoradio
9-19-07
Avast ye there matey!
Is it International Talk Like A Pirate Day, again already?
Dude, why else would I wear this to the office.
Because you're weird.
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!
Arrrrrgh, pull my hook.
Freak.

 

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that pie charts are not nearly as tasty as actual pie.
How has evolution allowed you to live? Seriously.
by deathtoradio, 9-21-07

 

by deathtoradio
9-25-07
I love calling dibs on things. It's like, in the old days they would plant a flag in the name of the queen. Now we just call dibs.
Remember that sandwich you were gonna have for lunch? Dibs.
And you know that hot little number you call your wife? Dibs.
Shit, I will give you that sandwich if you take my wife. In fact, you can have my mother-in-law too.

 

by deathtoradio
9-25-07
Remember when we were all freaked out by Y2K? Like planes were going to start falling out of the fucking sky cause a computer read the wrong date.
I know I was scared. I started stockpiling porn just incase porn stars forgot how to fuck on Y2K.
Then Bush got all pissed and declared war on Y2K, tracking it down to some remote mud hut in Iraq.
Wait, I don't remember that part.

 

by deathtoradio
10-03-07
Honey, I need $5. Timmy lost his first tooth.
Five dollars???? What ever happened to 2 or 3 quarters?
Inflation.
Go figure.

 

by deathtoradio
10-09-07
By the power of Grayskull! We got new computers!
Take a load of the hardware on that one!
Gross.
I think...maybe...yep, I've got tech wood.

 

Ok, remember, it's pillage first, burn second.
Fire good!
by deathtoradio, 10-14-07

 

by deathtoradio
10-22-07
Mmmmmm...oh yeah, that's the spot.
Wank-wank-wank, smoke-smoke-smoke.
Watch out Wang Chung you're next.

 

by deathtoradio
10-23-07
The cars people drive, and what it says about them.
I drive a Hummer.
Over compensating for having a small penis.
I drive a Prius.
Cried when she learned cow farts lead to global warming. Consumed by guilt she now drives a hybrid.
I drive a police car.
Okay, I'm not touching this one.

 

by deathtoradio
10-24-07
Willy, you want to tell my why you burned down the copier in the hall.
It was an instrument used by the infidels to smuggle out information on the "movement."
Good job comrade! There are extra rations for you in the break room.
Please be Ho Ho's.

 

by deathtoradio
10-24-07
I have great news guys. I'm going to be in a competitive brain eating contest tonight, live on the Food Network.
That is great news Zombie.
I'll be the one who isn't screaming.
Treat that shit like a free all-you-can-eat buffet in Vegas.
Oh my god, he killed Rachel Ray!
Encore! Encore!

 

by deathtoradio
10-25-07
So is looking like Howie Mandel everything you thought it could be?
I think you mean, is it everything Howie Mandel thought it could be to look like me.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

by deathtoradio
10-26-07
Moo.
Why is there a cow in the break room?
We ran out of creamer.

 

by deathtoradio
10-26-07
Yeah, I'm gonna need you to kung fu the shit out of these papers until they are all in alphabetic order.
I did not become 9th degree black belt to deal with your crap.
You're gonna be a 9th degree black belt in getting me some fucking coffee in a second.
White devil.

 

I've run some tests, and it appears you're bad for yourself. I strongly recommend you stop being bacon.
by deathtoradio, 10-28-07

 

That's your Halloween costume? Who the hell are you supposed to be?
Dick Cheney in a kangaroo costume.
by deathtoradio, 10-31-07

 

by deathtoradio
11-01-07
What's the hardest part of a male to female sex change?
I give up, what?
Sewing in the anchovy.
So that's how they get the nice natural smell.

 

by deathtoradio
11-02-07
Ok, ok, I've got one. What did the black epileptic man's medical bracelet say?
I dunno.
I'm not really breakdancing.
Ha ha ha ha.

 

by deathtoradio
11-06-07
You know, I'm starting to think the taint is a myth. I mean, I've never seen my own taint.
Well, I'm not going to look for you. But feel free to straddle a mirror.
Maybe it's better that it goes unobserved...much like the Lochness monster, or the state of Montana.
Dude, I'm pretty sure Montana exists.

 

Don't tase me, bro!
by deathtoradio, 11-06-07

 

Cafediem.
Caffeinate the day?
by deathtoradio, 11-06-07

 

by deathtoradio
11-08-07
Hey Buddy. Workin' hard or hardly wor...
You finish that sentence and I'm going to skull fuck you into submission...then eat your brains.
Chad just gave me the "workin' hard, hardly workin" schpeel. I HATE that shit. You can alawys spot it a million miles away, but never do anything about it.
The ultimate small talk faux pas. Did you threaten him with death and humiliation?
Nooo. I threatened him with death and a lovely Quiche. Of course I threatened him with death and humiliation!
Sarcasm noted. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to holding up this cubicle wall, while looking awesome in my old man sweater.

 

by deathtoradio
11-12-07
My real life Gettysburg vacation: A haunted battlefield tour with internal commentary.
All of Gettysburg was part of the battlefield, that's why we're behind these houses. That old well over there used to be full of dead confederate solders. Their apparitions can often be seen here.
Yeah, cause we all know how thirsty ghosts get.
Everyone knows, ghosts love parking lots.
This parking lot used to be part of the battlefield. The ghost of a union soldier is often seen here. Sometimes he messes with my lantern, occasionally knocking it over.
What's that smell? Oh yeah, the ghost of my last meal.
Ok, now we have this stream on the side of the parking lot. During the war this stream ran red with the blood of many dead soldiers. People often see orbs when they take pictures here.
Orbs, huh? Fascinating. Stream ran red with Kool-aid? Got it. Note to self: drink more before haunted tours.

 

I'll suck your knobs for a crack rock.
No thanks. My anti-virus is out of date. I don't want to catch something.
by deathtoradio, 11-12-07

 

by deathtoradio
11-12-07
What did the two tampons say to each other?
I dunno.
Nothing. They were both too busy being stuck up bitches.

 

by deathtoradio
11-12-07
Ok, let's hear your best pitch.
It keeps my whites bright, and my darks firmly dead or in prison.
Next!

 

by deathtoradio
11-14-07
Hello? Anyone here? Death to America!
This is probably nothing, but there is a guy in the lounge mumbling something about 70 virgins. It sounds really hot!
What's he gonna do with 70 virgins, play spin the bottle? Let's take him down to the Skin Palace. They have a girl that can shoot eggs out of her vag...well, let's just surprise him.

 

by deathtoradio
11-15-07
Has anyone seen my lucky human's foot? I can't find it anywhere.
Ruh?
Well, if a foot is lucky, I'm sure an arm is like twice as lucky.

 

by deathtoradio
11-15-07
....and I think that will be all. Can you repeat my order, just so I know you didn't miss anything.
Tha was swee and sowa chicken, por fwied wice, two egg ro's, and a petsi to drink.
Ok, yeah, whatever, surprise me. I'm too hungry to argue with your gibberish.
Big a fat stupid American. I a hope you kids enjoy the lead tainted toys this howiday.

 

by deathtoradio
11-15-07
Oh my god, guys. We're in deep shit. It's the end times. Charlie's Mac got a virus! The four horsemen of the apocalypse have been unleashed!
That's what happens when you spend your day trolling for barely legal bitches online all day.
This is no time to fuck around! We need some canned food, a woman to keep the population going, and a bomb shelter.
Sounds romantic. Why don't you give Jen a call, she likes role playing.

 

by deathtoradio
11-16-07
Hey mister. My mommy says you're almost as old as god. And that you know where Santa's workshop is.
Sure kid. When you stretch my scrotum flat, like a bat wing, the veins form a road map leading the way.
Ho ho ho. What do you want for Christmas, young man?
Well, I did want a train. Now I just want a lobotomy so I won't see Abe Vigoda's man-pouch in my dreams anymore.

 

by deathtoradio
11-19-07
Hey Santa. Remember last Christmas?
It was kind of a blur.
Dude, we were so wasted! You did that line of cookies off a reindeer's ass.
Yeah, Rudolph still won't look me in the eye. I mean, shit, I didn't donkey punch him or anything.
And the elves were all trying to stop you from driving the sleigh.
I know, like who's gonna pull ME over. No one's gonna give Santa a D.U.I. Not unless you want me to shit in your present every year. I won't even bother with the coal. That's how I roll.

 

by deathtoradio
11-24-07
I'm am sick and tired of everyone's shit. From now on, I'm going to adopt a dog's philosophy on life.
Which would be?
If you can't eat it, fuck it, or piss on it, then what good is it?
If you pee on me, we're going to have issues.
Which just leaves the eating and fucking part.

 

by deathtoradio
11-27-07
Just as Satan was about to take the most urgent shit of his life...suddenly he hear's the door bell.
This better be the UPS guy with my new set of nipple clamps.
Who the fuck are you?
Hi there. I'd like to talk to you about a man named Joseph Smith.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Praise the lord!

 

by deathtoradio
11-28-07
You know, I've heard a lot of ideas tossed around about why we became extinct, but no one has really even come close to figuring it out.
As far as I can recall, we instituted our version of reality tv and then it just kind of all went to hell after that.
Really? Cause I just kind of fell into a fucking volcano and was consumed by fire.

 

by deathtoradio
12-01-07
Fuck!
I think I left the oven on.

 

by deathtoradio
12-03-07
Give me my usual.
What's your "usual?"
Jesus christ! I come in here twice a week and buy the same fucking thing. Do they pay you to be a moron?
Yep. It's in my job description. They want us dumb enough to not notice the poor pay, but smart enough to be able to push these buttons here on the register.
Let me speak to your manager!
Hello sir, I'm the manager. How can I be of service?

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