All comics by habnem

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by habnem
5-19-04
Stick the remote control up your ass.
Say what?
We'll be right back with another episode of "Men Behaving Badly: The New Class."
Oh. Geez.
When did they stop saying "Stay tuned?"

 

by habnem
5-26-04
Hey, I just got back from Mt. Etna. It was pretty cool, but I think I got some silica in my lungs.
In the name of all that is holy, take that back right now.
Fine. I have no choice. You really put the 'volcano' in 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!"

 

by habnem
6-01-04
God damn, that MikeyG is a recreational grabber and sniffer of cocks.
Indeed, he is a tattered piece of second-hand ass baggage.
His native wit makes Carrot Top look like Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor rolled into one...
And his wisdom is comparable to that of a love child produced by George W. Bush and a gym sock.
But at least he knows how to count past 246.
True dat, my homey.

 

by habnem
6-07-04
Mainwy, I'm hill because I'm wowwied my modus opewandi isn't appwopwiatewy bizall.
I consider myself something of an expert in that area. Let me hear it.
I wool my victims--aww mawe--into my undewgwound wail, then wip theil innalds out wif sawad tongs whiwe anawwy waping them wif a woto wootel.
Weww? What do ya fink?
I think I could swim to the Canary Islands if I tried hard enough.

 

by habnem
7-30-04
Now if I may, I'd like to give my opinion on the President's recent actions.
He must be stopped. I'll bet right now he and Cheney are dressed up like superheroes and/or prisoners of war and having a gay old time.
WHAT THE!?
Damnit! You saw through my disguise.

 

by habnem
11-10-04
wehn a man loves a women, he _____________
i dont no. i'm a dum bich of a hoar.
*sigh* i nwe i sohulda maed dis multpile choice.
ah! i am lerning.

 

by habnem
11-11-04
Dean Trout...
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a tree fell in the forest?
Professor Donkey...
Have you seen my dentures?
...and, of course, Dr. Sticks-His-Dick- In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking- In-The-Other-Direction.
Oh my! I seem to have dropped my calculator!
Running start in 3...2...1...

 

by habnem
1-07-05
Following the events of Strip #81882, Dick Head finds himself stepping off a bus in Guatamala [sic].
Hola. Me llamo Ricardo. Busco la convención del porn.
¡Madre dios!
¿Qué?
It is written in the Mayan prophecies, that a man with a huge head shall come speaking stilted Spanish and lead us to salvation.
The Mayas spoke Spanish?
All right, so technically you're supposed to be speaking stilted Yucatec, but none of us is getting any younger...

 

by habnem
1-07-05
Listen up, everyone! This is our new salvador, Ricardo.
Howdy there, everyone.
I was just about to tell Ricardo that a great pestilence has wiped out the banana crop of our village, and that if it is not righted we shall all surely perish.
Bummer.
Surely you, as a great demigod, can tell us how do avert this impending disaster?
I take it there is, in point of fact, no porn convention...

 

by habnem
1-07-05
Okey-dokey, folks. I know why this great pestilence has visited your village.
It was the wrath of a terrible demon, bent on destruction, that manifested itself in the form of banana-death disease. If you kill the demon, it will pass.
Her name is Jenny, and she lives in Findlay, Ohio.

 

by habnem
1-07-05
Oh, gee, I hope this works.
*DING-DONG*
Hello. My name is Irmina Mendoza. You killed my economy. Prepare to die.
¿Qué?
Exact poetic justice. Eat a Snickers.
Hi-keeba!
*DIE*

 

by habnem
1-10-05
Hi. Do you ever wish you could speak Finnish? Sure, we all do.
Well, wish no longer. I'm Hilda Geflingerflurgen, inventor of the Finnish Today learning system.
With my tapes, if you started learning yesterday, you could Finnish Today! Let's see how it works...

 

by habnem
1-10-05
You'll learn just the essential phrases needed to communicate with Fins.
Jesus, tämä panna kylmettyminen olla.
Jesus, this place is cold.
No waste--learn only the sentences you'll use at least twice a day.
Minun kives kompuroida ylös sisään minun vatsa.
My balls just crawled up into my belly.
Need to know the word for "balmy?" There isn't one--it's that easy!
Tulla, päästää irti holkkuma jäälla!
Come, let's play with ice!

 

by habnem
1-10-05
Order right now for $29.99, and we'll throw in a pair of ear muffs, absolutely free.
You'll need them when you go to Finland, because it's cold there. Get it? It's fucking cold in Finland, people. Colder than shit.
Operaattori jaksaa sivuitse kantaa lumikenkä. Kaikenlainen vaaleatukkainen olla, niinikään.
Operators are standing by wearing snowshoes. They're all blonde, also.

 

by habnem
1-14-05
I see you shiver with antici...
(*hourglass icon*)
(*hourglass icon*)

 

by habnem
1-14-05
(*hourglass icon*)
(*hourglass icon*)
(*Program not responding*)

 

by habnem
1-14-05
Here comes the 0-2 pitch...
(*hourglass icon*)
Called strike and the side is retired! He really fooled him on that one--the bat never left his shoulder.
(*hourglass icon*)
*swing!*

 

by habnem
1-14-05
(*hourglass icon*)
(*hourglass icon*)
Hello, 911? My house is on fire.

 

by habnem
1-14-05
(*hourglass icon*)
My, how young and full of life I am.
(*hourglass icon*)
I wonder who's--hey there, mister, I don't want any trouble.
Ack! You've kilt me.
Don't go in there!

 

by habnem
1-14-05
12/28/2004
mmyers: Boy, my computer sure is slow! Check out these comics I made about it!
(*hourglass icon*)
12/31/2004
mmyers: Hey, thanks for the comics, everyone! They were really funny! That about does it for this joke!
(*hourglass icon*)
1/14/2005
Hey! I think I'll make some comics about mmyers' slow-ass computer!

 

by habnem
1-22-05
2 November, 2004
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*
Friends don't let friends vote stoned.
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*
Heh heh... It says "Bush." *CHECK!*

 

by habnem
5-06-05
I have four bars.
Hmm. Must be the owner. He's kinda cute--and if he has four bars, he must be doing pretty well. What the hell?
Excuse me. Would you like to--
That's so awesome. I can never get cell reception in this place!

 

by habnem
5-06-05
Now, stop me if you done heard this one...
A guy walks into a bar.
Oof! Watch where you're going.
Sorry 'bout that.

 

by habnem
5-21-05
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your support, which has helped me reach this lofty pinnacle of athletic achievement.
I'd like to dedicate this victory to the little girls of the world, who never gave up hope that one of their number would emerge victorious.
Yes, I would like to - but in good conscience, I cannot.

 

by habnem
5-21-05
You see, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not a little girl at all. It is time to reveal my true identity, Major League slugger Barry Bonds.
I wanted to be in the tournament, but the rules forbade professional athletes - so I had my doctors inject me with a medicine that would give me the physical form of a little girl.
Didn't you wonder how I managed not to age at all since August 2003?

 

by habnem
5-21-05
Many will call for my disqualification, but considering that I've been flaunting my steroid use and am still a shoo-in for the Baseball Hall of Fame, I don't see it happenin'.
As for Gabe, I only hope he can find comfort in the arms of his donkey bride (and his stash of 4-year-old jokes). Thanks again, and peace out, America.
Also, wangs.

 

by habnem
7-05-05
Excuse me, sir. Would you like to buy some candy for my school band? It's only a dollar.
Oh God, am I glad to see you. Wait here a sec.
As it happens, one of your friends stopped by the office today, and everyone was raving about this candy. I just couldn't help but try it myself and, well, to cut a long story short--
This stuff tastes like crap. Do you take returns?

 

Call now to get all the greatest, cherished classics of Limp Bizkit for only $15.99!
Jesus. The price of blank CDs is really going up.
by habnem, 7-05-05

 

by habnem
7-06-05
Welcome to Unnervingly Smiley Funeral Home. How can I help you today?
Well, my hu-man creator passed away yesterday.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Yeah, well it turns out his family is all deceased, and I'm his nearest relative. I'm not sure what to do.
The first thing you'll want is a burial plot.
Eh, I don't know. I'm not really feeling man-gravy.

 

by habnem
12-27-05
Last night I was listening to the '80s radio station, and I had an epiphany.
"I'm gonna do it," I thought. "I'm gonna Wang Chung." And sure enough, I did.
Maury Povich was not thrilled.

 

by habnem
1-26-06
Thank you so much for continuing to believe in me throughout this horrendous episode of character assassination. Shamon.
Now I'd like to sing for you a song by the fabulous Mr. Elton John.
It's called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me."

 

by habnem
1-31-06
Today scientists at the Fundteim Institute deduced that the world will end in thirty days. Another lab verified the findings.
Meanwhile, at Habnem's house
Jesus, man. If that's true, I really need to get crackin' on that machine that freezes time.
This isn't a joke. It's really happening.
I can't believe I've only got thirty days to get into the girls' locker room unnoticed.
Finally, it was a wet and wild time today for an east side cat who got stuck on a waterslide...

 

by habnem
1-31-06
Hey man. You gotta help me. I'm in desperate need of a temporal dissequentialator.
A whatnow?
A temporal dissequentialator. It's a nuclear device that fragments the time-space continuum, and it's the heart of my time machine plan.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure those haven't been invented yet.
Oh. Do you have any Chee-tos?

 

by habnem
1-31-06
Hey, Dad. I finished my time machine. I managed to cobble together a dissequentialator out of an iPod, a milk jug, and some mold I had growing in a coffee mug.
That's fantastic! So are you going to save the world?
Good idea! (ahem) I mean, of course, but first I have to go down to the high school.
I see. I would imagine they want you to lecture their physics class.
Uhh, yeah. That's exactly right.
I'm so proud of you.

 

by habnem
1-31-06
Later, in the locker room...
Hey baby. You can't see me at all, can you? No? That's because I froze time. Ha ha!
This is way hella boring. Why do my lifelong dreams always suck so much ass?
I can't move, but I can think. I think you smell bad.

 

by habnem
1-31-06
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a true American hero who has saved us all, Mr. Habnem Minvrah.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Habnem Mimvrah? You shittin' me? Is that your real name, son?
Yes sir.
What are you, like, Puerto Rican?

 

by habnem
11-07-06
Whatcha watching?
Election returns.
Why so concerned? Did your guy lose?
No, it's just that the winner is trying to be classy and it's kinda gross.
That doesn't sound too bad...
He's drinking merlot out of the skull of the loser.

 

I just know America is ready for a black president. That's why I'm voting for Chad!
Oh yeah- I just remembered something I'm supposed to to.
by habnem, 3-25-08

 

by habnem
3-25-08
It's 3 a.m. in America...
Honey, I have a really bad headache.
OK. I'll go get you an aspirin.
Your family is sound asleep...
!@#$% aspirin bottle! Why do these things have to be so hard to open?!
Who do you want in the White House?
I'm John McCain, and... hey, is that about me?

 

by habnem
3-25-08
...super-jowly-
Man, my face is really fat...
fragile-dipstick-
And I can't check my oil, because the thingy keeps falling apart...
pesky-halitosis?
And I can't even get rid of my morning breath.

 

Yay! Star Wars is on! Shit, it's Episode 2. That's gay. I'm not. Why must Yoda invert all his sentences like that? Where am I? Why am I light-headed?
Dude, you don't even have a TV.
by habnem, 3-26-08

 

by habnem
3-27-08
So, that's what it feels like to have a tentacle go into your stomach from the wrong end.
Yup, pretty much.
Another step on my quest to find the most painful things I can do to myself.
Glad to help. How did it feel?
It hurts.
So, good?

Showing page 5.

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