All comics by israphael

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by israphael
3-28-02
Loving Caress Funeral Home
Yes sir, how may I help you?
I am shopping around for a funeral home to take care of my mother when she passes on.
Loving Caress Funeral Home
We are a full service funeral home, taking care of everthing from the flowers at the service to the upkeep of the gravesite.
Sounds good... but maybe too expensive.
Loving Caress Funeral Home
I assure you our prices are quite reasonable. And consider the fact that our facility is modern and that we rarely have sex with the departed.
Well, as long as it's cheap.

 

by israphael
3-28-02
LadyJ's Charm School
You are here to become proper gentlemen. Although looking at you lot, I think it'll be a waste of time. Still your parents are footing the bill. So get to class!
Fashion Sense
For formal events nothing beats basic black. Black leather that is!
Good Manners
Repeet aftur me, "May I haev the pleshur of this danze, yuo fuchen bitch of a hoar?"

 

by israphael
3-29-02
*******************No Puns*******************
******No Sexually Explicit Material******
No Long-Winded Self-Serving Attempts at Snarky Social Commentary or Obscure References Used For The Purpose Of Appearing Smarter Than Others

 

by israphael
3-30-02
Warning: Reading this comic strip is illegal and subject to fines.
So I say to the guy, "I bet I can shove it up there further than you can".
Uh-huh uh-huh. I see. Go on.
Warning: Reading this comic strip is illegal and subject to fines.
Hold it! I caught some of you out there reading this strip. You can't say you weren't warned.
Warning: Reading this comic strip is illegal and subject to fines.
To avoid arrest, send $50 to: Israphael, 269 Fistula Ave., Hog Waller, Texas, 77843.
Wow! That guy's a bigger whore than Andy's maw.

 

by israphael
4-01-02
In an attempt to make Stripcreator less offensive, we are proud to bring back Little Billie.
You are a bad person. I am going to burn you up.
HA! That's a laugh. Try your best!
So there, now you are on fire.
OUCH! It hurts so bad, I made poopy in my pants!
HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA

 

by israphael
4-03-02
In a world where the pressures of modern life prevent men and women from forming meaningful relationships...
Oh Rosie, when will I ever find the right man?
I keep telling you toots, you don't need a man. If you know what I mean. Heh Heh Heh
Two people from different walks of life make a connection...
I just met the most charming man in an internet chat room. And I accepted his invitation to dinner.
I'd be careful if I were you. You never know the type of freaks that hang out in cyberspace.
Meg Ryan and Anthony Hopkins in...
Nice place you have here. What smells so yummy?
That's the side dish, fava beans. I was just waiting for the main course to arrive. Care for a drink... a nice Chianti maybe?

 

by israphael
4-03-02
In a world where man's handiwork has displaced nature's beauty...
Cinematographer Godfrey Reggio and Composer Phillip Glass bring you...
Koyaanisqatsi.
For God Sake! Will someone stop this movie before I have a nervous breakdown!

 

by israphael
4-03-02
I don't think I can take much more of this. The frantic imagery and loud repetitious music is giving me a bad case of sensory overload.
I feel like I'm going to hurl. If you don't mind, I'm going to rest my head on your lap until I feel better.
While you're down there...
Don't even.

 

by israphael
4-04-02
In a world where American audiences equated English accents with classy movies...
Ivory Merchant is proud to present a classic tale of love and obsession...
full of boring conversations interspersed by long shots of the English countryside.
Maybe this time they'll show us Helena Bonham Carter's tits. Is that too much to ask?

 

by israphael
4-04-02
In a world where American audiences equated English accents with classy movies...
Ivory Merchant is proud to present a classic tale of love and obsession...
full of boring conversations interspersed by long shots of the English countryside.
I bet it sucks.

 

by israphael
4-04-02
In a world where pollution and disease have decimated the population...
Mr Billings, your physical is almost over. All I need to do is palpate your prostate.
robots have taken over society's more arduous and unpleasant tasks.
What do you mean? Like stick a finger up my ass and poke around?
However, some like their jobs more than others.
Yes. I suppose some people do it that way.

 

by israphael
4-04-02
In a world where the usual remedies don't work...
I've tried everything... Kaopectate... Pepto Bismol... Milk of Magnesia... Imodium.
*Gurgle Gurgle*
one man is pushed to the edge.
Doc, I'm at my wits end! What shall I do?
Have you considered using a big cork?
Walt Disney brings you a heartwarming story for the whole family.
Oh my God! Not on the carpet!
*SQUIRT*

 

by israphael
4-04-02
In a world with a large continent peppered by bustling cities, one of which has a busy highway leading out to the suburbs and passing by a apartment complex...
is an apartment on the second floor, past the elevators and the janitor's closet, where in the bedroom that is directly connected to the dining area...
in the top left drawer of the night stand, underneath the porn magazines and condoms that lie beneath the socks, is another world that...
FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!!

 

by israphael
4-06-02
Who is "The Head"? Tell me about him.
He used to be a member of the Striptropolis Justice League. One day while chasing a villian through a turbine factory, a freak accident severed his head.
Although we saved both the body and head, we couldn't reconnect them. He never recovered psychologically and now vows to get revenge.
What happened to the body?
It now hold a cabinet position in the Bush administration.

 

by israphael
4-06-02
Hi, I'd like to join the Striptropolis Justice League.
Good. Meet the rest of the team. I'm the "Orienteer". I can turn people into little asian girls.
I'm the "Feminista". I come to the aid of oppressed women everywhere. Hey Buddy! My eyes are up here!
Hi, I'm "Jay". I exude a heavy cloud of smoke which can put evil doers to sleep... or at least give them the munchies.
I'm the "Human Surfboard". My catchphrase is "RIDE ME TO JUSTICE"!
I'm Jesus.

 

by israphael
4-06-02
We need to come up with a good name for you. I was thinking of something like an indian name. How about "Runs with Scissors"?
No, I see him more as "Sexually Frustrated Man".
The name should be simpler. Something like the "Cuntsplash".
I can't tell he's a chick or a dude. So let's try the "Shemale".
Why don't you just call me "Verbally Abused Man"?

 

by israphael
4-06-02
So why don't tell us about your super-power?
I don't know. You see it's kind of embarrassing.
I used to be a federal wildlife inspector. One day while hiking through the atomic bomb testing grounds, I was bitten by a radioactive fawn.
*CHOMP*
*OUCH*
**************To Be Continued*************
Since that time I am able to produce, at will, copius amounts of...

 

by israphael
4-06-02
Good. It's been decided. We will call you "Explosive Diarrhea Man", or E.D. for short. Now on to new business.
It seems our arch-nemesis "The Head" has struck again. The only clue is a matchbook from a place called "The Peg Boy".
"The Peg Boy"? That's that gay leather bar on 69th street.
Um... Or so I've been told.

 

by israphael
4-08-02
The Striptropolis Justice League dispatches The Human Surfboard and Explosive Diarrhea Man to search for clues at "The Peg Boy"
Here we are. Since you know this place, you go first.
Look, I told you already, I heard about this place from friends... heterosexual friends.
You can turn on the flashlight now.
I thought you brought the flashlight. Don't worry, eventually our eyes will adjust to the darkness. Stay close until then.
You know, you really don't have to hold my hand.

 

by israphael
4-08-02
Consciousness returning... head hurting... dialogue stilted...
You awake. Welcome to my lair. I'm Senor Grabby Hands, one of "The Head's" minions. You are now my prisoner.
Where's The Human Surfboard? What have you done with him?
I am, how do you say it, riding him to climax!
OK, that's a mental image I didn't need.

 

by israphael
4-08-02
HA Evildoer! Do you really think these bindings can hold me? Prepare to taste justice. Ugh... Ugh... What the Fuck?
I know of your superpower, Exposing Derriere Man. So while unconsciousness, I superglued a buttplug in your ass.
Your superpower will be your undoing. Do you feel the pressure increasing? It'll continue to build until you burst into a big brown stinky mess.
Do you expect me to talk?
No, I expect you to crap your pants.

 

by israphael
4-08-02
While awaiting his fate, E. D. man meets another prisoner.
Who are you?
Your cellmate.
I Know That! What's your name? How did you get here?
I'm Captain Obvious. I was captured.
Damn It! How can one man be so irritating?
I don't know. Just a talent I have.

 

by israphael
4-08-02
Yup, unless there is a sudden plot twist we're going to die horrible stinky deaths.
Shut up.
And what a terrible place to die. In a prison cell filled with drums of acetone.
Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!
---------------A sudden plot twist---------------
Did you know that acetone can be used to dissolve the cyanoacrylate adhesives in superglue?
I Mean It! Shut The Fuck Up Or I'm Goi- What did you just say?

 

by israphael
4-08-02
I've liberally applied acetone around the base of the buttplug. The adhesive should be soft by now. So I want you to reach down and pull the plug out.
Well, what are you waiting for?
I was just thinking, perhaps our deaths won't be so horrible.

 

by israphael
4-09-02
Since "The Human Surfboard" is out of action for a while, you'll have to pick a new partner. So why don't you meet more members of the Justice League.
My name is "Medusa". I have the ability to control hair. Mess with me and I'll give you a bad case of splitheads.
PHUCK MAH BHUTLOUDE!
Don't mind him, that's "Drunk Before Noon Man". I'm "Canadian Man". I have the ability to make Americans feel superior.
I'm Jesus.

 

by israphael
4-09-02
By interrogating "Senor Grabby Hands", we have uncovered other minions of "The Head".
So you and "Medusa" will go to "The Pet Shop" the headquarters of "Koff-Man".
"The Pet Shop"? Is that another gay bar? Or maybe some type of trendy casino? I know, I bet it's a weird cult.
It's a pet shop.

 

by israphael
4-16-02
FREEZE! What are you doing in my girlfriend's house?
I'll have you know that this is my girlfriend's place. She's one wild chick who would never go out with someone like you.
Not likely, my girl's a pure sweet soul. We'll just wait here 'til she gets back, then we'll see who's telling the truth.
Fine.
It would be a shame to let all this cherry flavored Anal Eaze go to waste.

 

by israphael
4-16-02
FREEZE! What are you doing in my girlfriend's house?
I'll have you know that this is my girlfriend's place. She's one wild chick who would never go out with someone like you.
Not likely, my girl's a pure sweet soul. We'll just wait here 'til she gets back, then we'll see who's telling the truth.
Fine.
It would be a shame to let all this cherry flavored Anal Eaze go to waste.

 

by israphael
4-23-02
Senor Speilbergo! I want to personally thank you for this opportunity to direct my first film.
De nada, meester Dougan. Just make an "artistic" film that makes mucho dinero or you will, how do you say it, sleeping with the fishes.
Um... OK. What's with our leading man? He looks awfully familiar.
He is someone very important who is making a big comeback. Just keep him happy with whiskey and fried banana sandwiches.
Cameras Rolling... Action!
Boy, we don't cotton to drug dealers in these parts. So drop your britches, grab your ankles, and get ready for my hunka, hunka burning love.

 

by israphael
5-06-02
Attention strippers! While Brad is away for the weekend, there will be a new set of rules.
Me, Wirthling, and Boorite were hangin' out, when Wirths brings out some bisquits, then... WTF?
Rule #1: The highest form of comedy will be a kick to the groin.
Who the hell came up with a stupid rule like that?
AUUUUGH!
Any more questions?

 

by israphael
5-08-02
I know you're in there! Come out with your hands up. You are under arrest for murder, bank robbery, and dressing up like altar boys.
What's going on?
There is a policeman outside waving a ticketbook at us in a threatening manner.
Y'all better come out now! Don't make me use my good pen!

 

by israphael
5-08-02
Murder? Bank Robbery? I don't remember doing any of that.
Maybe it's like that weekend we got so drunk that I woke up and found my dick in your mouth.
Elsewhere in Frostbite Falls...
It was a brilliant plan to frame moose and squirrel... I mean- bear and horse.
What the hell are you talking about? We didn't have a plan to frame those two, Boris... Er... Um... Dexx.
What are we going to do?
Want to watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat?

 

by israphael
5-08-02
Great, now we are standing trial for a crime we didn't commit. I hope you got us a good lawyer at least.
Yeah, one of the best. I've been following her career on TV.
Your Honor... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I have one question for you... Why can't I find a decent man?
You Got Ally McBeal?!?
Yeah, Matlock has retired.

 

by israphael
5-08-02
Ohmigod, it's Gil Grisson from C.S.I.
The blood stains are consistent with the victim being sexually assaulted with a Tomahawk cruise missle and bludgeoned to death with a Malibu Barbie Doll.
Mr. Grissom!
Yes your honor?
What the hell does this have to do with this case?
I don't know. But I prefer to let the evidence speak for itself.

 

by israphael
5-08-02
I find you guilty of the charges. As this is Texas, and we don't condone the death penalty, there is only one punishment fit for loathsome creature like you...
Life in prison with the two most annoying cellmates in the world.
I hope you're not homosexuals. Otherwise I'll have to shoot you in the face... With a gun, I mean... not with cum.
I have the amazing ability to blurt out the slightest thing that crosses my mind. Want to see?
Maybe if I close my eyes tightly, I will wake up in my bed and find out that this was all a dream.
Maybe if I close my eyes tightly, I will wake up and find my dick in your mouth.

 

by israphael
5-08-02
Submitted for your approval... Two individuals unjustly accused of a heinous crime. But what happen to the actual perpetrators?
Hey Rocky! It was a great idea of your's to rob that bank and run off with the loot to Thailand.
Beats freezing our butts off in Minnesota.
What say we go into town, get stinkin' drunk, and buy us some underage cootchie?
Yeah, OK. But I'm laying off the liquor. Every time I get really drunk, I wake up with your dick in my mouth.

 

by israphael
6-19-02
72 hours! There is so much I still want to do. What shall I do with my remaining time?
I've always wanted to read "Moby Dick". Or maybe go to Yellowstone and commune with nature? Perhaps I should spend my last moments surrounded by family and friends.
Who will be cut next on Elimi-date?
I hope the beer and chips hold out.

 

by israphael
6-24-02
It's that time again. Time for me to get chased by an elephant.
*Roar*
Wheeeeeeee!
I know that makes no sense. But I'm unemployed and I watch a lot of children's TV, so sue me!

 

by israphael
6-24-02
I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons, in a land apart.
Oh wow, a dragon's scale. I wonder if it still works.
Dragonland! Hey Ord, long time no see. I've been wanting to ask you, was Dragonland a magical place that really existed?
Or was it a fantasy world that I created to masked a painful childhood full of abuse?
Neither, it was all those paint chips you ate as a kid.

 

by israphael
7-04-02
Today's Agenda: Wake Up, Eat Breakfast, Go Outside, Lay out in the Sun, Nap, Wake Up, Claw the Sofa, Pee on the Bookshelf, Nap...
Wake Up, Rub Up Against the Woman Who Feeds Me, Eat Lunch, Nap, Wake Up, Play with a Crumbled Ball of Foil, Take a Dump on the Rug, Nap...
Wake Up, Eat Dinner, Go Outside, Mark My Territory, Try to Get Some Tail, Come Back Home, Have a Snack, Play with the Cat, Get Ready for Bed

 

by israphael
7-04-02
Hey, long time no see. How's the family? How is your grandfather doing?
Funny you should ask. We thought we'd do something special for his birthday, so we took him to one of those Civil War reenactments.
Of course the old guy is getting a bit senile. So when the troops started advancing he went berserk. He ate half the Confederate army before we could stop him.
What the Fuck?
CHARGE!
Yup, he got really sick. They're right, you know... You can't keep Old Dixie down.

 

by israphael
7-09-02
Israphael, come in here quickly! I want to show you what I did last night!
*FWAP* *FWAP* *FWAP* *FWAP*
Oh My God!
*FWAP* *FWAP* *FWAP* *FWAP*
Doc, does your machine do anything besides make a "Fwapping" Sound?

 

by israphael
7-09-02
I'm tired of this shit. You say one thing, then you go and do something else.
We're becoming as dysfunctional as that family on TV.
Which one? The Osbornes... the Simpsons... or do you mean the Addams family?
The Bushs.

 

by israphael
7-30-02
Going down?
Yes.
Good.
So what are you waiting for?

 

by israphael
8-11-02
So how much for a straight lay?
FUCKY FUCKY - 50,000 CREDITS
*Grunt* You like that baby?
YES GIVE IT TO ME - THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT - RIDE ME COWBOY
Well, that was certainly the worst sex I ever had.
OH YEAH - YOU WERE LOUSY IN BED - I FAKED MY ORGASM

 

by israphael
8-12-02
GGGRRRRRRRR...
Must be that time of the month again.
THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING! YOU MEN ARE ALL ALIKE! YOU'RE ALL PIGS!
Wow, she's more upset about the rent than usual.

 

by israphael
8-12-02
I'm hungry. How about eating at this place?
I don't think that's a good idea.
See, Gabe went in there and spent the rest of the night doubled over in pain.
Food poisoning?
No, Tobor works there.

 

by israphael
8-17-02
The Huns of Eastern Europe
Grab all food and furs you can carry. Burn what you can't. And bring along all the young women.
The Pirates of the Carribean
Step lively, me lads. Get the King's gold aboard. Put a torch to the sails. And seize all the pretty wenches.
The CEOs of Present Day America
Sell all the assets. Empty the pension fund. And fire all the employees... except the secretaries with really big tits!

 

by israphael
8-20-02
Hi, Israphael again. I don't want you to think I'm a total loser. I have a healthy social and sex life. In fact I had sex just last week.
I recently met this great woman. We had a few drinks, a nice dinner, walked in the park, and went back to her place and made love. It was a wonderful evening.
By the way, did I mention that I got laid last week?

 

by israphael
8-26-02
Sorry I'm not better company today. I'm having this burning pain up by my heart. Sometimes it radiates to my shoulder. I'm thinking of seeing a cardiologist.
I wouldn't worry. It's probably just acid reflux or a pinched nerve. To be on the safe side, get a general practitioner examine you.
OOO, listen to you! Dr. Israphael has spoken. When will you realize that you're not a REAL doctor and only a veterinarian.
A prime candidate for taking out back and shooting.

Showing page 5.

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