All comics by ladyjdotnet

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by ladyjdotnet
5-14-10
I have some bad news for you, and I am trying to figure out how to break it to you as gently as I can. It's really hard.
You'll feel better once it's out in the open, and I can't get better until I know what's wrong with me. Say what you have to say!
The nurses all think you dress like a git! Whew! You're right. I do feel better.
Oh yeah, and you have advanced syphilis.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-15-10
This place looks like a tornado hit it.
Yeah, I never did get a chance to get a housekeeper.
All kidding aside, a tornado really did tear this block apart. Where's your place?
That's just it. I should have gotten a housekeeper.
Then, when the tornado came through, I might have been able to keep my house.

 

Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
You may wish to supplement your pain medication with a topical cream that contains extract of capsaicin.This has helped my other arthritis patients.
by ladyjdotnet, 5-15-10

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-16-10
I'm Agent Lidocaine, from the FBI. I have some terrible news for you. Your husband and children were killed in a terrorist attack. I'm so sorry.
That is terrible news. I should probably be hysterically wailing right now, but the pain is kind of muted and distant.
The FBI is not without empathy. That's why they sent me to deliver the bad news instead of someone else.
I'm a numbing agent.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-16-10
In the wake of what has become known as the Deepwater Horizon BP oil spill, British Petroleum executives have been scrambling to improve their public image.
The most recent announcement is the upcoming release of an environmentally friendly, alternative-fuel automobile.
It runs on seawater.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-16-10
And so as soon as we get those third quarter projections we'll coordina- Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO!
Oh man, I hate when this happ- Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah-CHOO! Ah... ... ...
I think that's over. What are you so tense for?
I was waiting for the other choo to drop.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-17-10
My dentist is pretty cool.
You've mentioned before that he has a dry sense of humor.
Yeah, we find a lot of the same stuff funny. I showed him some of my comics today and there were a couple of them that he really liked.
Was one of them the Agent Lidocaine one?
Yeah, how'd you know?
Well, it is topical.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-17-10
I've run every test I can think of on your friend wirthling, but nothing's making sense. He likely has multiple conditions, and that's difficult to diagnose.
You mean like for instance if he had ringworm, clostridium difficile, hepatitis, and whooping cough?
Right. Exactly. Those four ailments would cause a wide range of symptoms, creating a lot of diagnostic confusion.
Incidentally, now that I think on it, that combination makes sense for his symptoms. You're a genius! What made you think of those specific illnesses?
Oh, those are the conditions of the highly contagious patients I paid to rub up against him while he was sleeping.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-18-10
How are things going with the hubby?
*sigh* I think he's going to leave me. All we do is fight, and he stays out late with the guys all the time. I don't know what to do.
Maybe if the two of you have a kid, he'll settle down and things will smooth out.
Getting knocked up won't save a failing marriage.
Why do so many people try it?
It's a popular misconception.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-19-10
Waiter! I really must complain about my fish! It's disgusting!
We pride ourselves on only serving the freshest fish. That fish was caught just this morning.
Caught off the tip of Florida, I'll bet.
Why yes, sir! That's correct.
You idiot! Don't you know that the Loop Current is dragging the spilled oil from the Deepwater Horizon right through that area as we speak?
My apologies, sir. I am clearly not up on my current events.

 

Hey, we serve a drink named after you!
You have a drink named RRRRAAGGGHHH?
by ladyjdotnet, 5-20-10

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-21-10
Being bad at beer drinking games is both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, plenty of free beer, even when you're broke.
On the other hand, sometimes more beer than you can afford is more beer than you should have.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-23-10
Human mating rituals are more subtle than those of animals in the wild, but are still rooted in competition.
Making eye contact making eye contact making eye contact
He doesn't even realize he's pointing at them while he talks.
Here we see males competing at surreptitiously viewing the human female's breasts.
Boobs.
You said that out loud.
The female, unimpressed by the efforts of her suitors, finds a different ritual to explore.
Yes, I'd love to go to Lilith Fair!
Why didn't I think of this before?

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-23-10
sawyerkatejacklocke hurleybenclaireboone ohyeahwowboone
OMG, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FINALE OF LOST?
I don't watch Lost.
suncharliedesmond jack'sdadwhatthehell jinsayidandthedog!! thatwassoawesome

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-24-10
Did you see last night's final episode of Lost?
Nope.
Ever since you tried to spoil Harry Potter for me, I've been waiting for this! I'm going to spoil the ending of Lost for you!
I wish I could help you get closure on a three-year-old joke, but I don't watch that show.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-24-10
Damnit!

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-24-10
Welcome to the offices of Catholic Cemeteries. Are you interested in a plot in Evergreen, Resurrection, or Calvary?
Actually, I already purchased plots R7-R12 for my family. I'm afraid that my husband and I have a complaint about them.
I'm sorry to hear that. Those plots are in our loveliest cemetery, Resurrection. Is it the view? The security? The groundskeeping?
My husband might be in the best position to explain the problem. He's waiting to speak with you in the lobby.
Ah.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-25-10
I'm in such a great mood! I found a classmate from my old high school on facebook today! I had such a crush on her back then.
Is this one of the chicks who turned you down and teased you for being fat?
I can forgive her for the cruel things she said when we were young. I'm totally past that.
Well, that's wonderful. Perhaps all that teasing was character-building, and you're a better person for it now.
Completely. Besides, she's a total uggo now. She has a moustache, and her cankles have cankles!
God bless facebook.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-26-10
I've been having abdominal pains all day. Not quite sharp pains, just kind of a sporadic poking, varying in magnitude and frequency. They've been quite distracting.
I imagined finally that there was a gnome in my intestines, scraping and tapping and prodding with a rusty trowel, looking for structural weaknesses.
I'd like to believe he intends to repair any such weakness, but I know he's looking to get out. I won't really be in a position to care one way or the other what he does after that.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-27-10
Before I sign the papers, I wanted to clarify a few things.
Of course! Legalese can be confusing. What parts can I explain for you?
Well, all of these listed visits to the doctors after the car accident... I don't remember any of them. Or the accident itself, for that matter!
Well, yes, amnesia is a symptom of the massive head trauma you suffered. It's such a terrible situation.
But... I thought I came to you to handle my divorce.
Yeah, but your husband is totally bankrupt. We'll make so much more money if it was a car accident and you have amnesia. Trust me.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-27-10
I don't feel comfortable submitting a fraudulent suit about a head injury from a car accident that didn't really happen.
Well, it's too late. The process has been started. We're committed now. See it through or go to prison.
No way! I never agreed to any of this. I can't be held responsible for what you did without my permission!
But you did give me permission. You begged me to do it, in fact.
I would remember a conversation like that!
No you wouldn't. You have amnesia.

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-29-10
Would you be willing to take a case against one of the lawyers in the offices next door?
The law is the law. If there's valid reason to bring suit, then to hell with professional courtesy. Which one are you suing?
Fink, from the offices of Fink, Fine & Gold. He didn't do a thing that he was paid to do, and tried to railroad me into a fraudulent suit!
There's really no point in suing Fink. He's small time. You'd do much better suing Fine or Gold.
But it wasn't Fine or Gold that cheated me out of my money! Why would I sue them?
You seem distraught. Did Mr. Fine or Mr. Gold touch you inappropriately, causing expensive- er, extensive, mental trauma?

 

by ladyjdotnet
5-31-10
Since the BP oil spill disaster, celebrities have banded together to raise awareness about the impact on marine wildlife.
Some confusion has resulted from this campaign, however, as nicks and cuts on the animals have become infected from the pollutants.
Sean Connery has recently issued a statement clarifying that he does not want you to shave the whales.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-01-10
Hello?
Hello! Please help! I have four jobs posted on my wall! http://apps.faceb ook.com/inthemafi... ...See more
What the hell are you doing calling me? Do you have any idea how creepy that is? How did you even get my number?
Between your inattention to the ever-changing privacy setting selections, and 17 hours of searching, your number was easy to find!
As ridiculously scary as that was, I am still completely addicted to facebook.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-02-10
"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."
"Hey, you wanna hear my philosophy of life? Do it to him before he does it to you."
"I coulda been a contender."
"STELLA!"
They've been at this for hours. What's going on?
Dueling Brandos.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-03-10
Hey, man. What's the haps?
Not much. The biggest news would have to be that I found out my girlfriend is "bi."
That's hot!
Not so much. It's really an obstacle for us.
Dude, if she's into chicks, you might be able to hook up some threesome action!
Oh, I see. Let me clarify. I meant bi-polar.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-05-10
My orders are to identify, clarify, and classify.
Those are my orders.
I'm classifying right now as we speak.
Can I do some clarifying, then?
I'm a Captain Kirk!
Everyone's a Captain Kirk.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-09-10
There's a really popular new website where people post about the little obstacles in their lives so other people can laugh at their pain.
Sounds interesting. Read me one.
"Texted my boyfriend: 'I need a nap,' but my iPhone changed it to 'I need anal.' I sent it. FML"
What's the FML stand for?
Fuck My Life
Oooh. I have one. "Just spent life savings opening what was to be a modeling agency called Fashion Marketing Limited. FML"

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-10-10
Benjamin Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Following that logic...
...a wheat allergy would be a big ol' righteous "Fuck you!"

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-10-10
Are you feeling any better today?
For the moment. I've had some serious digestive issues lately. I'm waiting for some test results to see what's what.
Maybe it's a tapeworm!
Not likely. I've actually gained a little weight in the last month, if you can believe it.
An anorexic tapeworm?
Even my problems have problems.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-11-10
I have to wonder at the circumstances...
...that created the need for the following words to appear on the label of my blood pack:
"Voluntary Donor"

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-11-10
The view from my hospital window is so peaceful.
The green, rolling, pastoral hills...
...of a cemetery.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-11-10
Theft of medical supplies from doctors' offices and hospital rooms is a time-honored tradition among the chronically ill.
It's a way of pretending we have some control over our illnesses.
"My organs may be liquifying as we speak, but I just scored 12 tongue depressors!"

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-12-10
I'm hungry. Let's go to Steak n Shake.
More like Mistake n Shake! That place made me so sick last time I ate there.
I still love it.
You still love Alvarado's, too. I won't eat there since I found that hair in my horchada.
That totally sounds like a euphemism for something.
I was 12 when I first found hair on my horchada.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-12-10
Ironman is the best!
Ironman sucks donkey dick!
*Gasp* I'm telling mom what you just said!
Whatever!
Mom! Eric said Ironman sucks donkey dick!
Eric! You know better than that! Ironman is awesome!

 

Netflix made a mistake. They sent us Adhikar, a 1971 Bollywood drama.
A Bollywood drama? So that means only two big musical numbers.
by ladyjdotnet, 6-12-10

 

[Insert observation of others' stupidity]
[Insert acceptance of others' stupidity]
by ladyjdotnet, 6-13-10

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-13-10
Mr. Mussel, the inappropriate schoolteacher...
Hey, kid. Pull my finger!
...Stinky Willy, the hysterically funny homeless guy...
I poop behind a dumpster!
...And the best one-note character of them all, Wilford Brimley!
Diabeetus!

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-14-10
Hmm, I misspelled "amnesia" as "anemias." I never noticed that they were anagrams.
No, you did notice it before. We had a conversation about you misspelling "anemias" as "amnesia."
Hmm, I don't remember that...
...And you do keep forgetting how to spell correctly...
Maybe I'm anemic!

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-15-10
If telling the world that you're gay is called coming out of the closet...
Uh-huh...
...what would you call it if you told the world you were into golden showers?
I give up, what?
Coming out of the water closet!
If the next words you say are, "speaking of which," I'm out.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-16-10
My tooth is killing me! My friend told me to come see you. He said you're a "Trance Dentist" or something like that.
Transcendentist. We will meditate together and chant our mantras, until you are completely at peace.
And then you can perform the dental work without anesthetic? That sounds pretty cool.
No. The chanting is the procedure. You will become one with the pain and rise above it.
People are willing to pay you such large sums of money for this malarkey!?
They become one with the loss of funds, and rise above it.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-17-10
Why are you looking so satisfied?
♫ Oh, no reason! ♫
You look like the cat who swallowed the... Hey! Did you eat the canary?
♫ Sure did! ♫
Well, could you at least stop whistling?
♫ Nope. I also ate a whistle. ♫

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-17-10
What kind of breeder sends purebred dogs from China by media mail? Oh well. I can't wait to begin breeding these- DEAR GOD!
What is that disgusting mess?
We saw this picture of happy frolicking puppies on an eBay auction, and couldn't resist. What we received was a box of gore.
A lot of people skim and see what they expect rather than the real details of the auction. Make sure you check what it says before filing your claim.
What in the hell are "Pulpies for Bleeding," anyway?

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-19-10
Honey?
Hmm?
Do you love sleep more than you love me?
Of course not, sweetheart.
Are you just saying that so I will shut up and let you sleep?
Yes.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-20-10
Nah, I don't need pain killers for my broken toe. It's not that bad, really.
Wow, you're quite the tough customer. I'm impressed.
I've had six biopsies, two organ transplants, four spinal taps, nine blood transfusions, extensive radiation and chemotherapy. I think I can handle a broken toe.
...show-off.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-22-10
Ow! I just totally clocked myself on the door frame of my car!
Did it make your head smart?
Huh?
Oh, I get it! It's a pun!
I guess that's a "no," then.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-23-10
Did you see how fat Aunt Jenny looked in those pants?
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Mom, now that I'm going to be a mother too, you can let me in on the truth. I know you can be critical as long as you veil the criticism as a compliment.
You're right, dear. Motherhood entitles you to that information... and pregnancy is certainly agreeing with you...
Aww, mom.
You hardly look like a lesbian at all, these days.

 

by ladyjdotnet
6-26-10
Damn it! Not another one! This guy is everywhere.
What's wrong?
I'm trying to register a domain with the new .xxx suffix to start my porn site, but some joker keeps buying up all the names and setting up off-topic sites as a joke.
Let me drive for a minute. I bet I can come up with a few that he hasn't thought of yet.
Wow, he's good. Vacuumhumping.xxx and wafflefetish.xxx both resolve to a website with facts about Captain Jean Luc Picard.
Yeah, and to get in, you have to click a link that says "I certify that I own at least one full set of polyhedron dice."

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-12-10
Pssst. I'm a newbie and I'm creating 75 contests that involve adding a panel to two previously created panels in various combinations!
*hmph*
*grrr*
Pssst. I'm posting every single one of my comics to the Read My Damn Comics forum, and misspelling every eighth word!
I'm done creating my sock puppet accounts to harass ladyjdotnet and crabby. Here's Mr. Wanky back. I'm going to go... um, wash my hands.
I did my best to add a little extra spunk to your characters. I hope they weren't too stiff!

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-13-10
Why is our daughter crying?
She's in mourning. We just had a funeral for Nemo.
Ah, I see. So I guess I'll be buying another goldfish tomorrow?
Well, she really wants a puppy.
Puppies are a lot harder to flush down the toilet when they die.
Yes, but it's impossible to convince a child that a goldfish has "gone to live on a farm where he has lots of room to romp around."

Showing page 5.

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