All comics by lima

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by lima
9-10-08
...so when the tea-leaves form a square, like this, the chinks think it means to be wary, because bad things will happen.
I'll summarise; you're fired.
Keep looking at the cup, Chang, there's more...

 

by lima
9-15-08
...and what is the DEAL with Taxi Drivers? Does one man really need this much B.O.?
And where do these guys come from? Can someone explain why they need SO many letters in their names?
Like yeah my taxi driver's name is the entire alphabet followed by chemical symbol for Boron...
I've been Seinfeld-bot 3000, you've all been great
Oh Yeah!
Dude, when I said "create a comic for a contest"...

 

by lima
9-15-08
So, by 'create a comic', you mean...
Yeah, like cartoon comic... sorry man...
Shit. Wait here, I've gotta tell Biped before he finalizes Klu-Klux-Chuckle-Tron
Klu-Klux-Chuckle-Tron?
NIGGERS?!?!!

 

by lima
9-16-08
My car? Some fuck stole my car!
Sounds like someone needs a lil' Global Holocaust..
QUACK!

 

by lima
9-28-08
Are you suffering from an embarrassing discomfort in your private beauty area?
Like an unwelcome stream, meandering forlornly in the depths of your secret feminine garden?
Try new 'Cunt-O-Blitz' for women
You needn't offer your back entrerance as a humilating substitute again.

 

by lima
12-20-08
We all become cats in heaven Mr. Smith! Shakespeare!
What the fuck? Shakespeare didn't write 'We all become cats in heaven."
"For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we are shuffled off this mortal coil..."
"Must give us...." oh for fuck sake
"...must give us pause"
OH FOR FUCK SAKE

 

by lima
1-06-09
I just adore Liszt's music. Whats this he's playing?
Piano
Sorry. What's this he's playing?
Not sure. Sax?
Not just now honey, pudding's here.
I thought that was last week?

 

by lima
1-30-09
Caw!
Caw?
God damnit...
I AM NOT A ROOK

 

by lima
1-30-09
So, you say you're not a Jew huh? I bet I can prove you wrong...
...big nose
Oy!
ah HAH!

 

by lima
1-30-09
I mean what is the deal with airline food? Nah don't bother cooking my meal, just chew it and wrap it in plastic. I mean who comes up with this shit?
Me

 

by lima
2-11-09
This here's Edinburgh, the late-twenties goth-girl of Europe
Hi
She's famous for being smelly, self-important and, of course...
...the spiritual home of the comedy Fringe and the Tattoo

 

by lima
2-12-09
I'm a really, really, really big fan of Red Star Belgrade. I'm dedicated. I'm a fervent supporter. An ardent follower. Obsessive, die-hard, zealous, fanatical.
You know what that makes you?
What?
Partisan
SHIT

 

by lima
2-16-09
What's that the barman just gave you?
A Cappuccino
I thought you asked to be made a Cosmopolitan?
I did. I got this, some museum tickets and a quick lesson in Spanish.
Sounds pretty pretentious
¿Presuntuoso usted dice?

 

by lima
2-16-09
Whats that?
Mai Tai
I'm pretty sure its mine
Yours is the one with rum, pineapple and curaçao all over it.

 

by lima
4-14-09
Brazil were wonderful in their 4-1 annihilation of Scotland.
Their midfielder Socrates really asked questions of the Scottish defence.
Questions like 'Is courage endurance of the soul?', 'Do I, or the City, teach?' and 'Oi, Zico, who the fuck was that to?'
Finding David Narey's answers unpalatable, Socrates methodically deconstructed his defence
Allowing Tostao in on goal for Brazil's third.
Elenchus was noted down for the assist.

 

by lima
4-14-09
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
bucKAAARP?!

 

by lima
4-14-09
Is this a chicken I see before me? The wattle towards my hand? Let me clutch thee, I have thee not yet see thee still. Art thou not sensible to feeling as to sight?
bucKAAARP?!

 

by lima
4-15-09
I'm sure 'area' is the shortest three syllable word in the English dictionary.
Aria?
Yes, Positive.
Urea?
Well where else would I be?
USA?

 

by lima
4-16-09
Whats this?
Its the Najdorf variation of the Sicilian defence. I'm going for control of the centre of the board.
My game is a tour de force against the so-called 'Hungarian Attack'. Gary Kasparov has nothing on me.
I never knew Connect 4 was so complicated
Then you've never played it properly

 

by lima
4-17-09
I've started going to the gym, and the hardest part is the changing room. I've no problem being naked in front of strangers, but is that the proper ettiquette?
So naturally, after my work-out, I watched what the other guy in the changing rooms did. A dangerous game in such a testerone fuelled, homo-erotic environment..
This big guy gets out of the shower and struts through the locker room. Butt naked. When I say big, I also mean that if he turned quick enough he'd take my eye out.
He stood in a shard of moonbeam, which was strange as it was 4pm, produced his locker key from somewhere, and opened his locker, and took out his things, and locked his locker, and turned away.
And then drew the curtain accross the room's one and only private changing area. It appears once again I'm looking to deranged exhibitionist lunatics for advice on how to act.
I had enough of that as a toddler.

 

by lima
4-17-09
...and in internet news, web giant MySpace is taking various copycat websites to court over identity theft and fraud.
This picture here shows the distortion that is applied to the uploaded MySpace pictures of African-American females on grotesque parody site MyFace.
Wait a minute... thats me...
MyWaist does a similar thing, as seen here
Wow...I'm glad that wasn't MyBoob.

 

by lima
4-18-09
Our barbershop has the latest in cutting edge cutting-edge technology. For a mere ten shillings we offer the all new ShaveMatic experience
We feed your Facial Contour Index into the ShaveMatic using the Visage-Visor 3000
Then, all you need to do is lie back in the Ergotronic Comf-o-Chair, while not one, not three, not five, but seventeen Mach 3 razors swing from the sky
They travel a mere thirteen yoctomillimeters from your face, giving you a shave closer than even any picophysicist could feasibly imagine.
Just a wet shave please
Right you are Mr. Occam

 

by lima
4-19-09
'Frontier' was a far superior game to 'Elite'
What? But the bugs, the boredom, the purple vacuum! Frontier isn't on the same planet as Elite
Its not even in the same solar system, its beyond the Oort Cloud man, its halfway to Barnard's Star
Must be on the way to trade some minerals

 

by lima
4-19-09
What you up to there Stephen?
Pontificating on the size of our solar system, more specifically Pluto's wavering proximity to Uranus
If this is going to be another joke about that beastiality conviction...
Oh relax, I'm just contemplating who created the biggest belt
Gerard Kuiper or your mom's tailor

 

by lima
4-20-09
England play hosts South Africa today in the opening game of group A
England boss Fabio Capello has used South African politics as the influence behind his team's formation
Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard and Beckham on the right..
Ferdinand, Heskey, Walcott and Defoe on the left
Capello's hinted about using an Irish formation for game two, presumably involving Wayne Rooney leaving suspicious parcels in the oppositions area
It makes a nice change from Neville leaving total gifts in our own

 

by lima
4-20-09
You hear about that idiot male porn star?
No? What?
He wants to remove his own penis.
Oh
He'll have his work cut out...

 

by lima
4-20-09
OK... Last hole... If I can get this one, I will be the greatest golfer in the office, and you will leave this course HUMILIATED.
There's no way I can make you miss?
Well you could make a book levitate over your head
Sonofabitch...

 

by lima
4-22-09
Signor Da Vinci! You're flying! You said your flying screw was a failure!
Ah yes, well I made a few adjusments. I gave them to Mr. Breguet.
I see you've painted pin-stripes on the bottom Mr. Da Vinci. As a warning to birds of prey?
Don't be stupid. Its the word 'Wanker', written in tiny writing, over and over again
Does Gallileo still have that telescope?

 

by lima
4-22-09
The stars are so bright today...
wanker
...

 

by lima
4-22-09
Welcome aboard the Ministry of Defence mister, er, Zorg. Turn up at the security desk monday and we'll get you your uniform
Any questions?

 

by lima
4-23-09
The french for 'garlic' isn't 'putain eccossais' is it?
No, its 'ailles'. 'putain eccossais' means 'fucking scotsman'.... Oh for christ sake what did you do this time?
This french guy pointed to our Garlic Mushroom starter and asked what was in it. I told him mushroom was 'champignon'
What did you tell him garlic was?
A traditional french necklace
Ah

 

by lima
4-24-09
Where the hell is my coccoon, Willis?
Sir?
My coccoon. It was here a god damn minute ago. I want you to search every motherfucker in this building. I'm gonna get that theiving bitch's balls.
You think someone stole it, sir?
WELL IT DIDN'T JUST GET UP AND FLY AWAY!

 

by lima
4-24-09
There's a lot of talk in the papers about Glasgow's Celtic and Rangers joining the English Premiership, and what that would imply for the rest of Scottish football
The best players would be given further reasons to ply their trade in Glasgow, and Scottish teams would lose millions in lost ticket sales.
I say fuck it. UEFA should let them both go. Today. And then tommorrow...
...it should impose restrictions on foreign players
"The new rule sees Barry Ferguson cast to the bench as a surplus foreigner..."
"...In his place comes Ugo Ehiogu"

 

by lima
4-25-09
You like my new bike?
Its great. Who's is it?
For fuck sake, not all scousers are theiving chavs. In all the time I lived in Liverpool I never even once wore a shell-suit.
Is that why you had to leave?

 

by lima
4-27-09
Ever heard of the Mandelbrot set? Its a fractal. An infinitely complex mathematical equation that plots the outline of a simple shape. But, when you magnify it...
...you find its actually made up of an infinite amount of shapes, getting more complex as you zoom in. Every magnification brings more detail, more depth.
There's even a point at which, if you were to draw the entire thing to scale, the original frame would be as large as the known universe.
I like that. It makes me feel that our actions do have reprecussions that change the shape of the universe, even on a tiny level
So, to answer your question, yes, even in the grand scheme of things, it would matter if you sodomised my dog.
Aw

 

by lima
4-27-09
Top scientists made the startling discovery today that, after thirteen billion years, the universe has finished expanding, and will begin its shrinking phase soon.
Some scientists hypothesise that this will cause time to run backwards. Others have been quick to rebuke these claims as 'preposterous'
Top scientists made the startling discovery today that, after thirteen billion years, the universe has finished expanding, and will begin its shrinking phase soon.

 

by lima
4-28-09
Today in Britain, the Liberal Democrat party were voted into power in a landslide victory, making Charles Anglin the UK's first black prime minister.
Also, Newcastle United clinched the Premiership title, Dan Brown was praised for his writing abilities and a Londoner took a bath.
These events were not due to happen until, as the proverb goes, "Pigs fly"
Luckily for those involved, all this was made possible by events in Mexico where, of course...
..Swineflu

 

by lima
4-29-09
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Yorkshireman:
Another pint of bitter? In the same glass again yeah? And the same ramble about how it tastes better if you use the same glass?
Aye. Its what we do, back in 't Yorkshire. My Dad used to put a 'lastic band round his glass so he knew which one were his
Last place I worked all our customers did that...
...which many would find to be a farcical situation. And therefore humorous.
Its a joke...
A what?

 

by lima
4-30-09
That shipment of giant bees you ordered have arrived.
Cool. Have them taken up to the marketing department pronto
What in red hell does marketing want with twenty thousand over-sized bees anyway?
Its a little hush-hush, Dave, but we're using them in our latest ad campaign
They're creating a huge buzz

 

by lima
5-01-09
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
I'm surrounded by hawthorns!

 

by lima
5-02-09
Uh, yeah, a flight to Tenerife does take about four hours from here. How'd you know?
Well it takes six hours to get to Turkey, so if you imagine Turkey swung round to the west then Tenerife would be about two thirds of the way there.
Thats kind of an autistic calculation. You know I could get the local hospital on the phone and they could take you away in, like, fifteen minutes.
Don't be ridiculous Clive
Its thirty six miles away. They'd have to travel at one hundred and forty-four miles an hour to get here in time, and the Transits it uses are limited in speed to..

 

by lima
5-03-09
4:32am
From Manchester England, weighing in at one-hundred forty pounds, boasting a record of 46 fights...
Just in time. Thought i'd slept through it.
45 wins...
Right. Turn my alarm off, get some pants on and watch the fight
...and now with 2 defeats
What the shit...

 

by lima
5-04-09
The 'Painted Parakeet' is a South American bird in the Psittacidae family, the 'true' parrots.
El Pintó Perico es un pájaro sudamericano en la familia de Psittacidae, los loros "verdaderos".
Like its Parrot cousin, the Parakeet has the capability to mimic speech.
Como su primo del loro, el Perico tiene la capacidad para mímico discurso.
Unlike its Parrot cousin, it lacks the capability to mimic in English.
¿Qué?

 

by lima
5-05-09
I'm sorry but if you want a haircut you'll have to pay in cash. I can't take "A bottle of wine, oral sex, mouthwash and some laxatives" as a replacement. I mean why on earth...
It'll be fine! Drink the wine first and then decide. Thats what its for.
And the mouthwash?
For after the oral sex
Do I even want to know what the laxatives are for?
Probably not

 

by lima
5-06-09
Yeeeeeeeeaah boii! Hey yo Chuck!
We gonna let 'em know roughly what time of day it is!
Unless its cloudy!

 

by lima
5-07-09
The French word for 'now' has three syllables. Three! By the time you've finished saying maintenant its probably too late.
Spanish is the same! A hora! Why can't they all have a proper language, like English. We don't fuck around when we need things done quick eh?
They should sort it out.
Immediately.

 

by lima
5-08-09
Dr. Ebenezer Ako-Adjei was a nationalist politician from Ghana, considered to be one of the most iconic men in the history of Ghana's quest to rid itself of British occupation.
Typical. We give them democracy, christianity, law, schools, busses and tractors, and what do we get back?
Abuse. Abuse and Didier fucking Drogba,
Actually... that might be a good deal.
I mean, have you seen the state of our schools?
Some toddlers think Michael Essien's Ivorian.

 

by lima
5-09-09
Yue refers to ancient semi-Sinicized or non-Sinicized peoples of southern China, originally those along the eastern coastline of present-day Zhejiang province.
Very few surnames are shared among the Yue people. Most call themselves some variation of Gōuwú, Yūyuè, Yángyuè, Xī'ōu, Luòyuè, Kuīyuè or Mǐnyuè
Apart from the Scottish, who call them 'Oi uè', 'Fuk uè' and 'See uè Jimmy!'

 

by lima
5-10-09
I like bread. I love wholemeal bread. Not only does it taste really nice but when you eat it you also know that its also good for you.
But then, sometimes, it feels really good to have a change, so you get that really cheap white bread
Its all maleable and sickly but it feels so good to eat. Its like a little guilty pleasure for a few days before you go back to wholemeal.
It's a bit like women, really...
...hence the hooker
I'm still kicking you out, Charles

 

by lima
5-11-09
A Thought Process Map, commonly referred to as TPM, is commonly recognized as one of the first tools that should be employed for a process improvement project
Essentially, a TPM presents thoughts, ideas and questions at the beginning of the project in a very structured, visual way which is relative to accomplishing a project goal.
A TMP is an incorrect way of saying TPM. To correct this misake, you should employ a TPM
The TPM would show how your TPM became a TMP and how you can turn it back into a TPM
If after the TPM you realise you have neither TPM nor TMP, then buy some chocolate and whack a tampon down your pants
'cos you've got PMT

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