All comics by pita

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by pita
7-24-04
I don't know, doctor...he's developed this crazy rash that just won't go away. It almost looks like little boils or something...
ga
I wouldn't worry too much about that, he seems to be developing normally and the rash will go away eventually.

 

by pita
7-24-04
Daniel! Stop kissing the animals...next thing you know you'll be sticking your head in the mouths of lions!

 

by pita
7-31-04
Goliath! I'm so sick of you picking fights with the neighborhood kids!
Are you hurt?
I'll be fine, thank you ma'am.
And you, young man... pick on someone your own size!
Yes, ma'am.

 

by pita
8-08-04
Jezebel! Where do you think you're going dressed like that?
You have waaaay too much makeup on, and enough bling bling to blind somebody!
Don't you walk away from me, young lady! Who do you think you are, the Queen?

 

by pita
8-16-04
I'm not going to cite you... I pulled you over because the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken & it could be dangerous.
I thank thee kindly, sir.
And one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. You'd better check on that as well.
I thank thee kindly, sir. I'll take care of these things as soon as I get home.
I won't have time for dinner, honey, I have to replace the reflector on the buggy and check on the emergency brake.

 

by pita
8-26-04
Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!
Quick, another beer! It's gonna start!
You're so selfish! You waltz in here, toss your pants in the corner, you don't even say hello to me. Do you realize I cook and clean all day? I get no appreciation...
Damn, it started...

 

by pita
8-29-04
You got the kind of lovin' that can be soooo smooooth
So gimme your heart, make it real, or else...
Fuhgedda 'boud id...

 

by pita
9-05-04
When Brad was just a wee lad, he formulated an idea... one that would inspire great comic writers from all walks of life! He decided to travel across a vast superhighway, aka The Worldwide Web...
He founded a place called Lowpass, and developed the terrain into Stripcreator.com. Soon all the surrounding domains were named after his loyal minions...
Woodenbadger.com, Kaufmans.com, wirthling.com, bunnerabb.tripod.com, pita.net, pantless.com, and many, many others....

 

by pita
10-23-04
AAA AACHOOO!!! Dis code has be all stuffed up... I feel biserable!
Awwww, I'm sorry to hear that...
Why don't you go take a nap. And, uh, whatever you do...
Don't believe that old wive's tale about soup making you feel better!

 

by pita
11-19-04
A termite walks into a bar...
Can I help you?
Is the bar tender here?

 

by pita
11-19-04
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Oops... excuse me, Miss.

 

by pita
11-19-04
A skeleton walks into a bar...
Can I help you?
I'll have a beer... and a mop.

 

by pita
11-19-04
A pony walks into a bar...
Can I help you?
I'd like a beer, please.
What? Speak up, I can't hear you.
I'd like a beer, please.
I still can't hear you, please speak louder!
I'm sorry, I had a cold and I'm still a little hoarse.

 

by pita
12-12-04
You having surgery today, too? I keep getting sore throats, so they're taking out my tonsils.
Oh, that's not too bad... I've had it done and was feeling good really quick! They gave me ice cream, too! I'm kinda scared... I'm getting circumcised.
Oh no, that's baaad... they did that to me when I was just born, and I couldn't walk for a whole year!
Crap.

 

by pita
12-15-04
But the more I thought about going to see Brad, the more frightened and confused I became.
Wait... was that Brad's voice I heard? Why did it sound so shrill and frantic?
Canada was a helluva trip anyway, so I made myself a good Irish coffee and slowly started to remember bits and pieces of the SC ball...
Brad WAS there! I remember him doing the Watusi with the punchbowl on his head!
A smile crept up as I started to remember what Chubby and Externalization were doing...
I have to write this stuff down, nobody's going to believe me! Are these stains on my hands from the wine punch?

 

by pita
4-30-05
That wraps up our news for tonight... but, before we go, we'd like you to meet a very special lady. Miss Robinson...over here, dear.
Oh, there you are, sonny...
Miss Robinson is a special lady, indeed. Today we celebrate her 110th birthday!
That's right, sweetie.
Tell us, what's the best thing about being 110 years old?
Well.......I guess I'd have to say.........no peer pressure!

 

by pita
6-03-05
Today's lesson was about forgiveness... who among us has no enemies? We really should try to extend forgiveness!
I don't have any enemies!
Miss Robinson, dear, come on up to the podium and share with us!
Tell us, dear, how you've lived to be 110 years old and yet you have no enemies to forgive.
I've outlived the bitches.

 

I'm sorry, ma'am, but we only serve men at this restaurant.
Sounds good... bring me two.
by pita, 6-22-05

 

by pita
10-24-05
Captain's log: We all watched in horror as Scotty lost his mind that fateful day...
Of all the gin joints in all the planets in all the galaxies, she walks into mine....Mae.... Mae....
She's a holograph! Pull yourself together, man, you're jeopardizing the whole mission!
As I was sayin', it's not the men in your life that count, it's the life in your men. Beam me up, baby.

 

by pita
11-17-05
I thought long and hard about Dr. Phil's advice...
Folks, I'm tellin' you that the way to achieve true inner peace is simply to finish all the things you have started!
And decided I was going to follow it today...
So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay...A bottle of Kahlua with a half carton of whipping cream...
That half package of Oreos that was threatening to go stale, a pot of coffee, a bottle of Bailey's...
The rest of the cheesecake, and the few remaining Godiva chocolates
And, y'know, he was so right! You have no idea how freakin' good I feel!

 

by pita
11-18-05
That took care of him... now how 'bout we...
That's too bad.
But, hey, I like two kinds of men... the ones with muscles and the ones without.
I only hope I can figure out how to get this suit off...
And since he's...kinda gone by the wayside, come see me tonight when I have nothin' on but the radio...

 

by pita
12-09-05
And so they all gathered together for the tribute...all the mashed potatoes...
All the tasty meats...
All we are saaaaying...
All we are saaaaying...
It was a very touching scene...as they softly crooned...
Is give peas a chance
Is give peas a chance...

 

by pita
12-29-05
What's that ringing? Is that your hand???
Oh, I had a microchip implanted in my hand... excuse me while I answer my cell phone.
Oh, for pete's sake...I'll meet you out front, I'm ready to go.
Wait, sweetie, check the back of your pants. You have toilet paper hanging out.
Oh, I'm just receiving a fax.
She's always trying to outdo me...

 

by pita
12-29-05
Hey, buddy, do you have any spare change?
Get a job!
But... I have Alzheimer's...
I see...
In that case, ask me again later on my way out.

 

by pita
1-25-06
Right there, in front of the massive crowd hushed with awe...
Taffy remained oh so calm, centered, focused. Still... she couldn't shake the one nagging thought...
I'm an old dog...
and this is a new trick...

 

by pita
1-31-06
Miss Robinson, I went over a list of your medications and I was shocked to realize you have a prescription for Birth Control pills!
Oh, yes, Doctor... they help me sleep at night.
Miss Robinson, I assure you there is nothing in those pills that can help you sleep.
Yes, dearie, I know that...
But every morning I smash one into my 16 year old granddaughter's orange juice. Believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

 

by pita
3-08-06
Ai-eees!!! Dolphins eat all my laundries! Eat all the Funyuns, too!
Dolphins eat everything! Even the boats!
What? Me not crazy! Me see it all! I give you fi dollah to prove it!!!

 

by pita
3-19-06
I was in the express lane at the store, quietly fuming...
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries...
Imagine my surprise when the cashier, god luv her, said...
And which six items would you like to buy, dear?

 

by pita
3-19-06
I'm sorry, sir, but we're extremely busy. There's at least a 45 minute wait for a table.
Young man, we are both 92 years old. We may not have 45 minutes left.
In that case, sir, let me seat you immediately...

 

by pita
3-19-06
When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives.
I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
I'd like them to say, "Look!!! ...He's moving!!!"

 

by pita
4-30-06
My wife shore is stupid. She went an' bought an air conditioner, and we ain't even got no 'lectricity!
My wife's stupid too! She bought one of them newfangled warshin' machines, and we ain't got no plummin'!
'Tain't nothin'....I was goin' through my wife's purse the other day lookin' for change. That woman's so stupid she's got 4 condoms in thar!
What's so stupid about that?
She ain't got no pecker!

 

by pita
10-11-06
The business trip was all arranged.
I was to meet my colleague, Jack Daniels, in the first class section of the plane.
The last thing I remember before being tasered unconscious...
and waking up naked in jail was...
Hi, Jack !!!

 

by pita
10-11-06
And who was this loose woman you were with? Tina? Mary? Angela?
I can't tell you, father... I promised I wouldn't tell.
I admire you for keeping confidence... but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot be an altar boy for two months.
Later...
You TOLD him??? What did you get?
A two month vacation and three good leads!

 

by pita
10-15-07
When we're done here, I want to show you the new grocery store up the street.
Is that the one with the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain in the produce department, when the vegetables are sprinkled?
Yeah, and the bread shelves smell like Grandma's fresh baked bread.
I read about it in the paper. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing...
It's all very realistic! I think you'll like it.
Sure, sounds good... but I'm avoiding the toilet paper aisle.

 

by pita
10-15-07
After seeing Toy Story at the local theater
They were selling character dolls in the lobby. I got myself a Buzz!
Oh yeah? I got a Woody!
20 yeas blur by...
And they meet up at a local bar
I've got a good buzz...
Oh yeah? I've got a woody...

 

by pita
12-03-07
I'm so glad you finally came to see my new place! I'll make us some tea.
I really miss having you live closer. How do you like this neighborhood?
Well, it's a lot noisier than what I'm used to. It's mostly the dog next door. Near as I can tell he has these long-assed conversations with the other neighbor's dog.
Uh-oh...
I think he's developing an intensive murder plot to kill the taco chihuahua out of sheer jealousy.

 

by pita
12-03-07
Joel, run next door for me and see how old Mrs. Smith is... I haven't seen her in a few days and I'm getting a little worried.
OK, be right back.
She's fine, mom, but she's really pissed at you.
At me? Why?
She said it's none of your damn business how old she is!

 

by pita
12-03-07
Psssst... having a party Friday night to welcome you. Can you come? Gotta warn you, there'll be some drinking.
Umm... I guess so, sounds like fun.
Might be some good music, good food... might get pretty noisy.
OK, um... what should I wear?
Whatever you want, sweetie... it's just gonna be the two of us.

 

by pita
12-23-07
Welcome to La Restaurante!
Thank you... do you serve crabs here?
Of course, Madame. We serve anyone. Please be seated.

 

by pita
12-23-07
Hi there. Can I get a gallon of windshield fluid and a set of wiper blades for a 1997 Mercury Tracer?
Ummm... OK, that sounds like a good trade to me.

 

by pita
1-16-08
They have a machine called the stair monster (err, master). I mean, why would anyone invent a machine to do what elevators made obsolete?
Surely there are places to go that have more fun activities... like a root canal, a mammogram, or a colonoscopy?

 

by pita
1-16-08
My pecs have hernias. I brushed my teeth this morning by laying my toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back & forth over it. Can you think of a better way?
Poor thing... Why couldn't we have tried lifting barbells when we were younger, instead of sandwiches?

 

by pita
4-15-08
Dear Ms Newcomer: Our records show that the four books you checked out on April 7th, 2008 are now long overdue. If these materials are not returned forthwith,
in the original condition in which they were lent, we will alter your credit card passwords, cut utilities to your domicile, and notify your place of employment and the local papers.
Please prepare sufficient survival rations. However, we have no doubt that you will take swift action. We will send only one reminder in 5 days.

 

by pita
4-22-08
Good morning! May I help you?
Yes, I'd like a dozen doughnuts, but they must be fresh.
Our doughnuts are so fresh here, we occasionally have to slap them!
D'ough!

 

by pita
5-01-08
Thanks for helping me get my laundry done. I hate not having my own washer and dryer.
No problem, I'm glad for the chance to spend some time with you.
I have a new blouse and pair of pants that I spilled something on, I hope I can get the stains out.
Oh, easy one... we'll simply use Rum and Coke.
I have heard that Coke will eat away at anything... but Rum?
Oh, that's not for the stains... after the Rum, who's gonna care about a little stain on your clothes?

 

by pita
9-17-08
Two paths divulged in a yellow wood...
Hmm... there's the grassy path...
... and there's the path less traveled...
Little did anyone know he'd choose the psycho path...

 

by pita
9-23-08
Mrs. Robinson, I have your husband's test results. But I also have test results from another patient by the same name... either way, the results are pretty bad...
Wh... What do you mean???
Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.
Well, Medicare is only going to pay for the tests one time and I can't afford to pay for them myself... what am I going to do?
I'll tell you what... drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM!!!

 

by pita
9-29-08
It's all fixed... It was just an ID ten T error. I'll send you an invoice.
An ID ten T error? What's that?
Write it down, then you'll have it for next time. See ya.
ID10T

 

by pita
10-12-08
Oh god... quick, sister, let me hide under your skirt! The military police are after me!
Thanks! You saved me! I can't let them send me to Iraq! By the way, you have a great pair of legs under there!
If you had looked higher you'd have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either.

 

by pita
1-26-09
I'm glad we got together, I love Chinese food. Let's not wait so long next time?
By the way, what did your fortune cookie say?
It said "That wasn't chicken."

Showing page 5.

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