All comics by travisweird

Profile

 

by travisweird
7-16-06
Well an old norwegian philosopher once said, "A man who doesn't appreciate his wife... does not appreciate life."
Huh. Thanks Wilson. Maybe Jill will forgive me for blowing up the vacuum after all.
There he goes. Jill looks confused. Tim grunts. They laugh. Tim says something charming. They kiss...
Here we go... up to the bedroom. Jill disrobes... Tim whips out his cock... Jill plays with it... spank that ass yeah... OHHH YEAHHHH....

 

by travisweird
7-25-06
Goodbye my children. You're all going to a magical place of wonders. If you see the cat from the fancy feast commercials, tell her I'm still pissed. Now stop sucking on my teats and get the fuck out!
I know your mother told you I was taking you to "Tuna Town" but listen: you hear the word "euthanasia" YOU RUN LIKE HELL

 

by travisweird
7-28-06
So I says, "brachiosaurs have to make it up in bed because they have peanut sized brains!"
Ha! You know, we don't say it out loud but it's true.
Yes, but I forgot she's married to one!
Oh dear, how incommodious.
So what do you make of this comet theory nonsense?
I'm more concerned about global warming.

 

by travisweird
8-07-06
This is really nice to see everyone again.
Yeah, I cant remember the last time we were all together.
Now let's bring out your fiance who's been sleeping with your father!
OHHHHHHH!!!
You ****!
**** you!

 

by travisweird
8-09-06
FEED ME!
Um I guess I wouldn't mind killing one of my neighbors.
Is Indian okay or do you feel like something else?

 

by travisweird
8-09-06
Warning: the following stunts are performed by professionals, and should not be imitated at home.
A wise guy eh? Why I oughta! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!
Hit me with a hammer man. Trust me, just do it.
Okay bro!

 

by travisweird
8-25-06
Argh I hate that Johnny Depp.
He acts like a gay drunk Keith Richards.
I mean we're good looking men!
What makes Johnny Depp so special?!
You know what I heard? ...Johnny Depp's got no balls.
Winona probably stole 'em!

 

by travisweird
8-25-06
Everyone, I have some more shocking news. Mars isn't big enough to be called a planet.
From now on Mars will be referred to as a really really big red ball.
Mars will be replaced by Star Jones.
We can stop calling her a star and start calling her a planet.

 

by travisweird
9-24-06
Jude Law has broken up with longtime girlfriend Sienna Miller.
Meooooooooow! Meooooooooow!
Here is a picture of Sienna on the set of her new movie.
Skihhh!
So heads up ladies, Jude Law is single again!
ROWL!

 

by travisweird
9-24-06
Meow!
Hey there kitty. What do you want?
ROWL!
Hey!
Looks like Jude Law has already bounced back with a new girlfriend... of the furry kind!
Damn you Jude Law, I haven't had her spayed yet!

 

by travisweird
9-24-06
Franz I just came back from a parent teacher conference
and your english teacher said your writing is bleak and overtly surrealistic, and that is unacceptable!
Don't you DARE turn into a bug! You're grounded mister!

 

by travisweird
10-03-06
HEY! Was that you?
Excuse me.
No, EXCUSE ME! Haven't you ever heard that bovine flatulence releases methane gas into the o-zone layer and contributes to global warming? You're gonna' get us all killed, Ron!
I had no idea a major part of global warming was bullshit.
Oh, feel that? ...I think it just got warmer!
I doubt my fart has reached the outer atmosphere yet.

 

by travisweird
10-03-06
I've come to return these adult videos. In this one all the women had penises.
Thats the best of both worlds brotha! Real women have penises!
This one was just an unmarked copy of The Little Mermaid.
Well maybe theres something wrong with you if that bitch with a tail doesn't get your balls in a knot!
This one had Corey Feldman in it.
Yeah let me get your money.

 

by travisweird
10-28-06
Sir I just need to see your driver's license.
I JUST RE-NEWED MY LICENSE LAST WEEK, BUT I WENT BACK BECAUSE THE LIGHTING WAS OFF AND IT MADE ME LOOK UN-NATURAL, I WANTED AMBIENT LIGHT, MAKES IT SEEM MORE REAL.
Are you on anything tonight sir? You freebasin'?
NO SIR, I'M DONE WITH THAT, I'M PAST MY RAGING BULL PHASE, I'VE BEEN DRINKING THIS CHAMOMILE TEA ITS GOOD FOR THE BODY BECAUSE ITS NATURAL, I LIKE IT, MAKES ME THINK OF MY CHILDHOOD.
Is this your crackpipe, sir?
DON'T TOUCH THAT, THAT'S HARVEY KEITEL'S CRACKPIPE FROM THE SET OF THE LAST TEMPTATION, ITS PRICELESS, IM GONNA SELL IT ON EBAY AND USE THE MONEY FOR ANOTHER PBS DOCUMENTARY

 

by travisweird
11-15-06
What's your pleasure, Mr. Gordon?
Actually I have a complaint. This gremlin you sold me is a furby, and this box isn't a portal to hell, it's a rubik's cube. It's not a portal to anything.
I'm sorry, the previous owner assured me everything in the store was hell-spun. We do sell hummels in the back.
Alright, I'll take some for my grandma.
WHO DARED OPEN THE PORTAL TO HELL???

 

by travisweird
11-17-06
BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH!
I think I'll go back to the dmv.

 

by travisweird
11-21-06
Bom, bom bom bom bom, bom, bom boop shicka boop boop
What is the deal with the N word anyways? Not all black people are descended from Nigeria! I don't get it!
Yeah... we're still not buying season 7 now.
Hey neighbor! A-what's happenin'?
We're having a contest to see who can go the longest without calling a black man a nigger.
10 minutes later...
I'm out!

 

by travisweird
11-25-06
click...click... click click click!
Stay tuned for Last Call with Carson Daly, good night everybody! Tonight on Carson, a spanish dog trainer, and Joe Firstman!
WHAT THE FUCK!? AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!!!
I don't know what happened, I think he suffered some sort of stroke!
We'll do everything we can.
You all watch Dancing With The Stars, right? Joe Elliot's championship rings just don't seem as cool when he's also wearing a tiara.
Nurse ...Nurse!

 

by travisweird
11-25-06
Stop censoring my cartoons or else!
What the hell? Are you serious?
Man, Jim Davis has really lost it.
It's sad. His cat actually died thirteen years ago.
Oh what the hell!
START PRINTING FAMILY CIRCUS OR I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING NUTS OFF MAN!

 

by travisweird
11-27-06
What the hell, why does the birth year keep defaulting to 2001?
I mean, ha, what company hires five year-olds!
Oh right. Nike.

 

by travisweird
12-01-06
Hello I'm Geraldo Rivera, Thamu is back in the newth again. Killer whale INDEED. Hereth a clip from thox thewth...
(Shamu's appearance has been changed to protect his identity)
I didn't do it, but if I had I would have pinned that trainer down till his eyes popped out and I would have splashed his blood on the crowd to freak them out. VIVA LA SEAWORLD REVOLUTION!
I can't believe you still think he didn't try to kill that guy.
Shamu's just another innocent victim of the man.

 

by travisweird
1-04-07
So I'm giving up meat altogether, this is going to be the last chicken I ever eat.
Good for you! I'll get the fryer ready.
No no Sarah, I need to do this alone.
Prepare to die.
I'll kill you like I killed your parents, slow and painful.

 

by travisweird
1-24-07
Hey a squirrel, how nice.
Hey buddy, you got any spare change?
Sorry, no.
Did you have a good christmas sir? Lots of presents? Did you get to see your family?
Fine, here's a dollar. Fucking squirrels.
Thank you sir, have a good christmas, happy new year, whatever.

 

by travisweird
2-02-07
Poor hobo.
Oh shit, he's dead! ...Score...
Hey guys, here's my beer money.

 

by travisweird
2-21-07
Season 1 of Kung Fu, nice! But sir... this is a material posession...
So?
I cant sell this to you in good conscience.
Let me see your supervisor then!
You may have your change when you can snatch it from my hand.

 

by travisweird
2-21-07
Hey! What are you doing in there?! I gotta' use the bathroom!
Oh my God...
Ooooo...
Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.

 

by travisweird
3-14-07
I invited Jeff to go hunting with us on saturday, hope that's okay.
Shit Max, what's wrong with your gaydar?
There's nothing wrong with my gaydar! Jeff is a man's man!
Eww, why is everyone wearing orange!?

 

by travisweird
3-25-07
Hey, you're Tom Cruise! Look everyone, it's Tom Cruise!
Now why would you do that? Why? You're acting ridiculous.
No hey! Come here! Don't run away. You know what? You're a jerk. You're, you're a jerk!

 

Ohhh... I just had the worst dream.
by travisweird, 3-25-07

 

by travisweird
3-25-07
Today we have Ann Coulter, talking about her sixth book, "Women Are From Venus, Liberals Are Spawned From The Depths of Hell."
Good morning John.
Ann, in your book you say that orphans caused 9/11. Would you now like to take back that comment?
No John, why would I want to take that back? If I didn't think it was true I wouldn't have written it in my book.
Well it's your freedom of speech, do what you want with it. I'm sorry Ann, is everything okay?
My make-up is running.

 

by travisweird
4-14-07
Ann, yesterday you made a comment poking fun at candidate John Edward's dying wife. Would you like to recant that statement as well?
Not at all. I merely called John Edwards a faggot and said you can't talk about John Edwards without going to rehab first. What, is freedom of speech a crime now?
Um, we seem to be experiencing technical difficulties...
Ego mos tego texi tectum viscus of insons insontis in eternus igneus pits!
There we go! Well Ann, thanks for coming on the show.
Sure! Don't forget to check out my new book, "If She's A Liberal, Go Ahead And Rape Her." EGO SUM DIABOLUS AUDITE MIHI RUDO!!

 

by travisweird
10-19-07
Mozzletoff!
Oh no, the liberals have formed an army with the other world religions!
And they're trying to get into our homes!
WE WANT TO CONVERT YOUR CHILDREN!
The power of Christ compells you! The power of Christ compells you!

 

by travisweird
12-21-07
I am not gay. I was not gay before, I am not gay now.
I wasn't gay yesterday, I won't be gay tomorrow, or the day after that.
I was gay this morning, between 9:15 and 9:30, but I'm all better now.

 

by travisweird
12-21-07
I would not be gay in a house, I would not be gay with a mouse. I would not be gay here or there, I would not be gay anywhere.
I would not be gay with a fox... yes you have a question Anderson Cooper?
No and I refuse to repeat that.

 

by travisweird
12-21-07
So you see how easy it is to make this kind of mistake. This simple hand flutter means "Hey buddy, give me a hand job."
When you tap your toes it means "I like it in the rear." And Trent Lott taught me to wave my knees like this...
Hey, Klan member or not, I ain't givin' you a hand job or doin' you in the butt.

 

by travisweird
12-29-07
Hey Sylvia, it's a nice day out. Wanna' take a walk across infinite?
Not today Death, I'm baking a cake.
So the oven's on then. Can't I just come in and have a piece?
We've gone over this before.
Fine. Oh no, my bus left! Guess I'll need a place to stay...
Goodbye Death!

 

by travisweird
12-29-07
Oh no, man, that sucks!
...Then he ran off with her and left me with the children.
Well you know what I like to do? Relax with a stiff drink and a bottle of sleeping pills.
It was worth a shot.

 

by travisweird
12-29-07
I had a fun time tonight, I think you handled the situation really well.
Yeah, yeah.
Well me and Todd are leaving. Have a good night.
You too Sylvia.
Nice meeting you!
You too. Hey Todd, keep up the skydiving!

 

by travisweird
1-09-08
Glad everyone could make it to this emergency meeting. Hows it going Dale?
Pretty good.
I has got good news and I has got bad news. The good news is we got a new member.
Well hell, it's about time!
The bad news is I had to let him in under affirmative action.

 

by travisweird
1-24-08
Bowser is evil!
Who's evil? I'll tell you who's evil, Barack Obama, who attended pro-choice rallies in the 80's.
Bowser is a tyrant!
Hey, Bowser was against the Iraq war all along, unlike Hilary.
Admit it, you represent a hate group!
Excuse me, I was under the impression that there would be no plumbers.

 

by travisweird
1-30-08
Come on Charlie, that angel was hot! Aw, that poor girl is homeless, and Killer's taking advantage of her!
Now that you're back from the dead you will have your revenge! Let's get drunk and gamble!
17 years later...
When did I go wrong?
When you went home with that giant crocodile tranny.

 

by travisweird
2-07-08
Ryan Hicks, Joanna, Ben, Ryan Hicks...
Ryan, Ryan, Joanna, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Joanna, Ryan...
...Resident, yes!

 

by travisweird
2-15-08
Thank you, Ryan
For trying to get me a date and giving me a humorous valentine when that didn't work.
Thank you, Robert
For telling me not to kill myself. I appreciate that someone is concerned.
No thank you women who are flirtatious but not too flirtatious
Thank you cutie! Well, off to my boyfriend, bye!
Yeah whatever.

 

by travisweird
2-21-08
Hmmm.
Uhh...
I heard he has a third, evil nipple.
I HEARD THAT TOO!!!

 

by travisweird
2-28-08
Ohh... oh... fuck yeah...
Give me that hard cock yeah... shove it right there yeah... OH... FUCK!!!
Man, these debates are getting nasty!
I'm sorry Mrs. Clinton, we have to go to commercial. Tim Russert needs to be fluffed.

 

by travisweird
5-04-08
Oh what the fuck!
We travelled to several beaches to find the biggest and hottest guys!
Girls gone wild, now that's how God intended it GODAMMIT!
You won't believe how wet and wild these guys get!
Oh I bet I know, I bet they have to shower together, like when I was in high school.
What?

 

by travisweird
5-04-08
Oh what the fuck!
Blanco, that means white! Can you say "white?"
Stop teachin' my kids to speak spanish, Dora!
And "diablo," that means devil!
Hey! I don't like where this is going!
"El Diablo blanco!" Scarrrry!

 

by travisweird
5-04-08
Goddam television's turning on me.
Hi, I'm Chris Hansen, tonight we're going straight to the house of a sick and depraved individual...
Uh-oh...
Who uses the screen name Battleofthebulge47...
Is this a picture of your penis dressed in camo, sir?
Dammit!

 

Whites Only
Sigh. I guess laundromats will never change.
by travisweird, 11-25-10

 

by travisweird
12-04-10
I finally earned the llama wearing a sombrero and a poncho! This is a big day for me.
Black stud here I come!
You said you were playing Farmville! My friends were right!

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »