All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
8-18-03
@?
$!
(^o^)
B^D
# = %
+ > -

 

by umfumdisi
8-18-03
'Huckleberry Finn'
'On The Road'
'Delta Of Venus'
'Portnoy's Complaint'
'War And Peace'
'Ulysses'

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
Before we enjoin our deathly combat, let us "shake hands" in the manner of your people.
i don't shake, baby, i groove!
Even though I studied your language on my journey to this Battle World, I do not comprehend this idiom.
i'm gonna call you Four Corners, man, cause you're so square
Attempted pleasantries have failed. Let us annihilate each other like uncivilized lifeforms!
*snap* let the dance begin, FC.

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
Even though my Matter-Scatter device is invisible to human eyes, it is powered and ready.
Gentlemen, prepare your weapons. You will walk five paces, turn, and do battle.
Yes, my beatnik garb makes me semi-invisible at night, and FC will succumb to the entrancing beat of my bongos which I'm holding just below your line of sight.
BEGIN!!

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
Five!
four...what's next, man? there's only FOUR beats!

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
How could I be so far off-target? The Matter-Scatter requires hours to re-energize! Well, he's not large--I'll just go strangle him.
bong, bong, bon-ga--bonga, bong-bong-bong, bonk!
might as well turn around, man. heavy, he's coming this way. time for operation Bongo-Beat.

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
As the night turns to morning...
Damn that ceaseless beat--I must DANCE!
*bong, bong, bon-ga--bonga, bong-bong-bong, bonk!* ---------------------- now i'll lay a little poetry on him to finish the job.
"Shake A Tail Feather, Shake-it, Shake-it, Shake-it, Shake-it, Baby!"
the uni-verse is me, you dig - the earth, the stars, the sky so big - i'm all up in eternity - because my mind is super-free!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
passive resistance is cool, baby.

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-03
You forgot to put me on his burger.

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
Procrastination...

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
is an art form.

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
I saw the mugs,
I heard the cheers,
I just can't believe you drank ALL those beers!
HAPPY HANGOVER

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
Last Night Was Awesome, You're Such Great Chicks...
Just Don't Forget The RU-486!
uh
oh

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
Hey, Asshole
Answer...Cheap, Ugly, and Alcoholic.
Question...What Are Three Words That Best Describe Your Mother.
Burn In Hell, CINDY

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
SEASON'S GREETINGS
We all got you a little something. Hope it gives you a "warm, fuzzy" feeling, and makes you "paws" for reflection.
You elves are teh best!
What a sweet bunch of guys... *open, open*
Hope Your Christmas Is Full Of Surprises!
A dead cat?

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
A JOYOUS NOEL TO YOU AND YOURS
Leave me alone, Lucy! I'm trying to DL some Beethoven.
...
Wouldn't you rather didDLe me instead?
!
Merry Christmas, Blockhead.

 

by umfumdisi
8-22-03
Feliz Navidad
What are you doing with your hand down your pants?
Looking for the Spirit of Christmas.
Joyeux Noël
Froumlhliche Weihnachten
Ah, there it is!
I'm returning your presents.

 

by umfumdisi
8-26-03
CONGRATULATIONS...
your Liposcution was a suck-cess!

 

by umfumdisi
8-26-03
Plastic Surgery Mishap?
BEFORE
You should have heeded Crystal Gayle's advice when she sang, "Don't Make My Brown Guys Blue."
AFTER

 

by umfumdisi
8-26-03
On The Anniversary Of Your Acquittal...
Not Guilty!
Sweet.
FORE!
Don't forget to work on your slice.
OW! That guy's gonna KILL somebody one of these days.

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-03
Hey, B.C., how's your LOVE life?
We all have our CROSSES to bear, Og.
That bad?
Well, why don't YOU try pleasing a woman without a VIABLE currency.
Og asked about you today.
How SWEET. Do we have any MONEY yet?

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-03
The econ sucks...... I have no bucks...... The war machine still thunders.... And every day.......... I hear Prez say... His Bush-O-Matic blunders.
Go, Opus!
(Bush seems to have no grasp...of his native tongue. His diction's just as bad as...that of an Englishmun!)
Did I come here for cheesecake?
The econ sucks...... I have no bucks...... But life is a reverie. Cause every day..... I hear Prez say..... "We are in Coventry."
I think Prez meant to say, "We're in a recovery." Ack! Thppt!

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-03
Greetings, zaphodb_12.
Chips Ahoy, umfumdisi.
It seems that this website isn't big enough for the both of us.
Agreed. Splitting resources isn't gaining us any extra attention.
So, what do you think we should do?
Combine powers and emerge as a new entity?

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-03
But that would mean leaving our bodies of works behind!
So, it's not like anyone around here cares.
Do you care?
Not really.
RIP...zaphodb...August 28, 2003.
Well I do, so DIE!

 

by umfumdisi
8-29-03
When Spiders Dream...
Oh no--giant fly attack! Who will save me?
Cows On Broadway.
Well what the hell do we do now, Maggie??
Larry Loves His Penguin.

 

by umfumdisi
9-01-03
1903--Near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina...
Peddle faster, Wilbur, faster!
Dude, I'm Mario--I'm just looking for the head.
1916--Near Verdun, France...
Well, we're fighting, but I think we're in the wrong place and time.
Shut Up! Just be glad one of those strippers found a use for us.
1929--Near Wall Street, USA...
*splat*
Stock Market Crash? Maybe I should have paid attention in History class.

 

by umfumdisi
9-03-03
RARRRRRRRR!!! SUPER-PHALLUS ENABLED!
bzz bzz
~SPROING~
*sniff* TOBOR WANT CORNHOLE...

 

by umfumdisi
9-08-03
So, when I rub my wax on your hands, your skin feels smoother.
Oooh, that IS nice.
Yep, you're only this tall.
And your neck's only this wide. Dang, ain't we a pair?

 

by umfumdisi
9-09-03
December (Décembre):
Hi, I'm By-Tor. Have you seen my Snow Dog?
Yeah, just follow the Yellow Snow Road.
January (Janvier):
"I Think I'm Going Bald."
They call me the "Working Man."
February (Février):
~\ Take Off! To the Great White North. Take Off! It's a beauty way to go! /~
Cool. If Geddy sees his shadow, we'll get six more months of winter, eh.

 

by umfumdisi
9-10-03
What's shakin', Hot Stuff?
The martini you're about to make me, Beautiful.
So this rabbit walks into a bar and takes a seat, right? So one of the regulars yells...
?
"Hey, barkeep, there's a hare in my stool!"
Rabbits don't walk, dumbass.

 

by umfumdisi
9-10-03
My ears are burning. I swear somebody's talking about me.
Aw, you're just a paranoid egoist.
Okay, I got another one. A rabbit HOPS into a bar and orders a Budweiser. He drinks it down in one gulp.
Okay.
Then one of the drunks yells, "Hey, bartender, there's a beer in my hare!"
Can I hit you now?

 

by umfumdisi
9-10-03
Hey, Handsome, good to see you're back.
And it's good to see your front, My Dear.
Okay...last one.
Thank God.
Knock Knock -------------------------------- Hare's To -------------------------------------- Hare's To You, My Friend!
Who's There? --------------------------------- Hare's To Who? ------------------------------------------------------ I'm leaving.

 

by umfumdisi
9-10-03
So how's your new job going?
The tips are great. I could do without the stupid people, though.
Welcome to Warren's. What'll ya have?
I'd like a Bloody Mary with a carrot stick instead of a celery stick. ........On second thought, hold the carrot.
Excellent.

 

by umfumdisi
9-10-03
You thought up any more rabbit jokes?
Sort of, I'm trying to work "Hare of the dog" into my repertoire.
Well, I've never heard of that drink, but I'll see what I can do...
...there, one "Descolada on the rocks."
Whoa! That's the last time I'm dropping acid with kaddar.

 

by umfumdisi
9-16-03
I Talk To The Wind, Invisible Sun...
Purple Haze In The Wake Of Poseidon.
Ain't No Telling; I Might Be Wrong.
In My Time Of Dying--The Wanton Song
Manic Depression: Achilles' Last Stand. King Of Pain...Castles Made Of Sand.
Peace - An End

 

by umfumdisi
9-17-03
Hilton Valentine
Andy Summers
Eric Burdon
John Weider
John Steel
Zoot Money

 

by umfumdisi
9-17-03
Barry Jenkins
Vic Briggs
Chas Chandler
Alan Price
Dave Rowberry
Danny McCulloch

 

by umfumdisi
9-18-03
Merry Christmas! I sold my insect collection and bought you this Holy Bible so you could save your soul and ensure our eternal happiness.
!
Holy Shit! For your present, I converted to Buddhism in hopes of returning as an insect and one day becoming part of your collection.
!
I also got you this banana.
Sweet.

 

by umfumdisi
9-18-03
So what's the deal with the monkey?
He says he's still evolving.
"Look, I'm going to BAN ANNA!" No, that sucks.
How do I know you're a Kaufman?
I'm Ken-tagious. I'm Ken-etic. Now let me in already.

 

by umfumdisi
9-22-03
See kitty play. *DOOT*
Where's kitty? *DOOT*
What a funny kitty. *DOOT*

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Classic Jazz Tune...
Step 1: State tuneful, recognizable melody.
Step 2: Noodle for 6-10 minutes.
Step 3: Restate tuneful, recognizable melody.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Death Metal Anthem...
Step 1: Scream unintelligible lyrics, but throw in comprehensible "death," "blood," "whore," and "murder" occasionally.
Step 2: Crunch power chords at insane speed. Solo.
Step 3: Repeat song title 4x for Chorus.
Step 4: Solo.
Step 5: Repeat first verse and Chorus.
Step 6: Thrash until fade.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Blues...
Step 1: Play blues progression.
Step 2: Complain about your woman (repeat).
Step 3: Complain about your finances (repeat).
Step 4: Complain about your dog (repeat). Solo.
Step 5: Talk about how you're going to get rid of your woman and dog so you'll have more money.
Step 6: Wail until end.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Country Song...
Step 1: Play country progression.
Step 2: Complain about your woman.
Step 3: Compliment your dog.
Step 4: Complain about your finances.
Step 5: Fiddle/Steel Guitar Solo.
Step 6: Tell how you got drunk, spent all your money, shot your woman, runned over your dog, and ended up in prison. Wail until end.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Rap...
Step 1: Sample James Brown or Parliament/Funkadelic.
Step 2: Brag about your mic skillz.
Step 2: Brag about your cash flow.
Step 4: Brag about your sexual prowess.
Step 5: DJ Scratch.
Step 6: Complain about your record label. Curse until fade.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Weird Al Parody...
Step 1: Pick a popular song.
Step 2: Rewrite lyrics in a semi-funny way.
Step 3: Polka!
Step 4: Split royalties with original recording artist while still making a very comfortable living for yourself.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Sadcore...
Step 1: Stare at shoes.
Step 2: Have band play droning minor chords.
Step 3: Mumble about your sorry-ass, loser life.
Step 4: Overdose on pills in Motel 6.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-03
Southern Rock Epic...
Step 1: State engaging melody via three-guitar attack.
Step 2: Sing about how bad things was back home.
Step 3: Jam for 5 minutes + solo for each guitar.
Step 4: Sing about how much you miss being back home.
Step 5: Jam for 5 minutes + each guitar trades licks.
Step 6: Repeat song title in meaningful way until false ending. End with 1 minute guitar frenzy.

 

by umfumdisi
9-26-03
Still no mail, eh DexX?
No. We still have to go all the way to the Post Office in Red Hill Mining Town.
When was the last time you received mail?
At our old house just before the 4th Of July.
Do you think you'll ever get mail here at Zoo Station subdivision?
Nope. What do expect in a place Where The Streets Have No Name?

 

by umfumdisi
9-26-03
what appears to be the problem officer?
you were doing 90mph in a 40 zone, I'm gonna need to take your name sir.
my name? Why, I'm Saint Nicholas don't you know? good-old Chris Cringle? Santa_Claus?
very amusing sir, if you'd like to just get into the back of the car, we can sort this out down at the station.
So that's why we need you to be the new Santa.
Say, are those the Keebler elves?

Showing page 5.

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