All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
10-28-13
One day in the hospital cafeteria ...
HELP, HELP, QUICK, SOMEBODY HELP!
Thank god you're here. I was eating with my friend the Medical Examiner, when he suddenly keeled over.
It might be food poisoning. What was he eating?
Shouldn't be poison; I was having it too. We were both eating pureed infants.
IDIOT! Nobody puts baby in a coroner!

 

by kaufman
11-29-13
If you squeak when tou fart, your ass probably plays La Marseillaise when you shit....
You've got MAIDS.
pfft pfft poopoo poopoo poooo poooo pfffft ....
In which case the French will salute your turds.
Sacre bleu! Le grand merde!
And if three Frenchmen have their hands up in saluting two such pieces of shit, we can conclude that David Cassidy must be in the treetops.
We have three French hands, two turds of dung, ergo I must be in a pear tree.

 

by kaufman
12-07-13
In December, 2013, the Royal Family attended a special screening of a biography of the South African National hero.
It is our pleasure to present to you Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom.
But at the end of the movie, those in attendence were informed of some shocking news.
Your Highness, I regret to say that while you were inside, Mr. Mandela passed away.
Responding quickly, MI6 arranged for weekly biopic screenings for the Royal Family.
Today it is our great pleasure to present to you a new film: Kim Jong Unbelievable.

 

by kaufman
1-16-14
Ok, buddy, in you go.
Hah, that wasn't so hard. Now comes Miller time, and soon I'll be getting that promo...
AHA! Is that what you thought they meant by "plant a bug"? Wait till the world hears about this!
EDWARD SNOWDEN!

 

by kaufman
1-16-14
Meanwhile on the other side of Transylvania, Victor's cousin, Dr. Frankentomologist, dug up body parts for his experiments on reanimating the dead.

 

The camel that predicted super bowl winners died yesterday in New Jersey.
I guess she wouldn't endorse Christie last fall either.
by kaufman, 1-17-14

 

On July 27, 2003, yours truly created http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/kaufman/sets/AugCal/, a full month's worth of "On this date"s.
Submit CC 200 entry!
by kaufman, 1-22-14

 

by kaufman
1-25-14
On February 2nd, one day ago, a tv weatherman woke up to Sonny & Cher on his hotel radio.
o/` Babe, I got you babe! o/`
Aaaargh, what an obnoxious song!
On February 2nd, one and two days ago, a tv weatherman woke up to Sonny & Cher on his hotel radio.
o/` Babe, I got you babe! o/`
Aaaargh, what an obnoxious song!
On February 2nd, one, two and three days ago, a tv weatherman woke up to Sonny & Cher on his hotel radio...
o/` Babe, I got you babe! o/`
NOT AGAIN!

 

by kaufman
2-10-14
Hmmmm ... der fridge is very full and der bottle of Welch's Grape just has a few more sips in it.
Hey Adolf!
Yes, Grossmutti?
Honey, vhy don't you go und kill off der Joos?

 

by kaufman
2-18-14
Scientists in England report that they have found irrefutable evidence that the first airplane was invented not in 1903, but rather in 1003.
Apparently, the planes were scrapped within a few days, and all evidence of their existence was wiped out. Nobody has any idea why.
Some 1000 years ago ...
Thou mustest removeth all of thine armor and put it on yon conveyor belt before thou passest through yon metal detectorium.
Thou hast gotst to be kidding thyself!

 

by kaufman
3-12-14
Doc, I chipped my tooth. Can you do something about it?
Let me take a look. Open wide.
Oh yes, that is a bad chip. Tell me, how did this happen?
Well, I wanted to buy something online, and the website said they only accept bitcoins.
So I put a quarter in my mouth, but no matter how hard I tried to bite it, it wouldn't leave a mark. Finally, I chomped down as hard as I could ...

 

by kaufman
3-12-14
Summer, 1908. Aliens beam up and revive the recently interred body of former president Grover Cleveland in order to learn more about the human species.
However, on returning his body to earth, a transporter malfunction causes him to split into two.
Hello, I am Grover Cleveland.
No you're not. I am Grover Cleveland.
I'm telling you, I am Grover Cleveland, 22nd President of the United States.
And I am telling you, I am Grover Cleveland, 24th Pres .... Wait, what did you say?

 

by kaufman
3-12-14
Oh good, the movie's about to start. You know, honey, this was always my favorite film. And not just because we were in it.
Wow, we were great in it. Look at that! And the ending is unbelievable.
What? You thought we were talking Ron & Nancy?
It always brings a tear to my eye, the way you reached for my brain ...
I know you love the Zapruder film, Jack, but maybe next week we can watch something else? There's a new Meryl Streep movie coming out.

 

by kaufman
3-18-14
The contract makes it clear. Let's do it already.
All right, Millard, we're coming. Go lie down and let's get this thing over with.
When their manager promised them an opportunity to rock the Fillmore, they never dreamed he meant this.
And he is SO fired!

 

by kaufman
4-10-14
It started at dinner many years ago when a little piece of string slipped into his spaghetti. He ate it unknowingly, and the little bit of string thrived in his virile Vigoda juices.
It grew and grew, until it was hundreds of miles long, and agglomerated into a giant ball. Abe's body could no longer function, so his relatives came from far and wide to memorialize the great man.
Today, people come from across the land to see the miraculous shrine that his perforated corpse has become.
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine ...
... in Abe Vigoda!

 

by kaufman
4-11-14
Ford's Theatre, April 14, 1865
Sic semper tyrannis!
Ugh! I've been hit!
Mary! Who is that man who appeared in our box? He took a bullet that was intended for me.

 

by kaufman
4-11-14
The White House, April 13, 1865
I'm sorry, honey, I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
That's ok, dear. We'll work it out.
The next day, the First Lady is dusting off a lamp in the Lincoln Bedroom, when suddenly:
You have freed the Genie of the Lamp. To show my gratitude, I will grant you one wish. But remember, I am a bit hard of hearing.
A wish? I guess what I really want is to get Abe Viagra.
Your wish shall be granted tonight.

 

by kaufman
5-28-14
R.I.P. Maya Angelou
o/`
Canaryoke

 

by kaufman
5-28-14
Nyet, Nyet, Nyet, fucking NYET!
What's the matter, Pyotr? Another rejection?
Da! Those nyekulturni critics wouldn't know a good overture if it hit them over the head. I swear, one more nyet and I'll shoot up all of St. Petersburg.
Oh, come on. I'm sure the next one will be well received.
Really? Do you know how many rejections I've had? 1811. That's eighteen hundred and fucking eleven!

 

by kaufman
6-05-14
Doctor, what happened? You look terrible.
Toughest Caesarian I ever performed. It turned out they were conjoined twins.
Conjoined?
Yes, halfway down. Everything from the intestines down was one body, and everything above it was two.
So they split at ...
It was the first time I'd ever seen a triodenum!

 

Being abandoned in deepest space allows one to ruminate on the human condition, much as Coleridge must have felt when he dreamed up the pleasure dome of Kublai ...
KHAAAAAAAAAAANNN!
by kaufman, 6-23-14

 

The perception of color is nothing but black translated through the fourth dimension. You can always step forward or back in time to a point where all the color is sucked away.
Translation: This is the last time I let Stevie Wonder vet my comic before I submit it to a contest.
by kaufman, 6-27-14

 

by kaufman
7-11-14
I'm so hungry I beta could eta whole lambda and omega slice of alfalpha pi, and here I am omicrons from a cow. Iota eat it right now.
Mu
So thetas my idea for a nu end of the world psi-phi film. Zeta hit in your opinion, or am I miss-sigma mark?
They'll love it around the Great Lakes, places like Chi-cago and Upsilon-ti. Xi tauld you before, epsilon rhoad to getting kids and their gammas to both like it.
The movie took off like a Delta jet from Bangor to Encino.
If there's a letter I did forget, I'll buy you a kappaccino.

 

by kaufman
7-11-14
You're bloody crazy.
No, just lazy.

 

by kaufman
7-30-14
This movie is implausible. The odds are astronomical that a waterspout would go over the most shark-infested spot in the ocean and then continue to a crowded city.
More likely in the real world, it would pick up more common sea life and then follow the paths that tornadoes traditionally take.
Emma, did you paint the trailer green last week?
No, Clem, I think the storm last night musta dumped a shitload of algae on it.

 

Stake my wife, please.
by kaufman, 8-01-14

 

by kaufman
8-02-14
People wonder why I had my hordes rampaging across Asia, laying waste to everything in sight.
My wife's like "Genghis, ever since you quit drinking, you've had some serious anger issues."
I tell her, I'm hardly angry. In fact I'm doing just what they said, taking one steppe at a time! ... THANK YOU, I'll be in Minsk next week.

 

by kaufman
8-15-14
Hey, Max, what's with all the barking today?
Oh, you know how I like rolling in and eating deer poop. You're always teasing me about it.
So? Are you trying to call Bambi over or something?
No, nothing like that. My human promised me a fresh supply as long as I kept barking.
Earlier ...
WOOOF! WOOOF! WOOOOOF!
I'm telling you, if you keep barking, I am going to get you neutered!

 

by kaufman
9-06-14
You know, I dropped eight tabs of acid at the party last night.
I'm seeing deformed giant hallucinations coming out of my carpet, and I'm talking to them.
You do that every week. Everyone knows that.
Ah, but did you know I have a handkerchief here to match your tie?
Cool!

 

by kaufman
9-10-14
Congratulations on winning CC 588. That comic was one of your best.
I know. No bigger losers than Congress, and I managed to pun all 535 of them in one strip.
It was hilarious. Just thinking about it gives me a Boehner.
Wait, what did you say?
I said that just thinking about it gives me a ...
FUCK! Of all those losers, how could I have forgotten Mr. Orange Sunshine himself? I'm ruined! I'll be disqualified! AAAAUUUGGGH!!!

 

by kaufman
9-24-14
I'd like to thank Richard Dreyfuss for coming on the show today, and now I have a surprise for my studio audience. I want each of you to look under your seat...
.... and you will find your very own GREAT WHITE SHARK!
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!!!
*urp*

 

by kaufman
10-07-14
THEY JUST OPENED A CELL PHONE STORE DOWN THE STREET.
OOOOOOOOOH!
EEEEEEEEEEE!
AND I BOUGHT ... A PHONE!
WHEEEEEEEE!
OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!

 

by kaufman
10-07-14
I CAN NOW CALL OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE PHONES.
Is that what you can do with them?
Maybe we should get some. Then she could call us.

 

by kaufman
10-07-14
I WENT TO THE DOLLAR STORE YESTERDAY AND BOUGHT A PENCIL
EEEEEEEEE!
IT'S VERY SHARP AND HAS AN ERASER ON THE END!
EEEEEEEEEEE!
As the water cooler begins cracking ...
AND NOW I DON'T HAVE TO USE MY FINGER TO PICK BOOGERS OUT OF MY NOSE!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

by kaufman
10-07-14
They just opened a new Wal-Mart in town.
EEEEEEEEEEE!
It will run all the local shops out of business.
OOOOOOOOOH!
And so underpay its workers that they will have to suck millions from the government in food stamps, etc.
WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

by kaufman
10-07-14
I JUST BOUGHT A NEW iPHONE.
EEEEEEEEEEE!
AND I THINK I HAVE A BAD YEAST INFECTION, SO I DOUCHED WITH DRANO.
OOOOOOOOHHHHH!
You're not even listening to me, are you?
YES! YES! YES! HOLEEE SHIT!

 

by kaufman
10-08-14
Inside the security office at a major airport ...
That man third in line just got in from Africa and he looks a little sickly. We'd better do away with him before he infects us all.
Roger that.
They quickly drop the suspected disease carrier to the bottom of the sea, believing that there he will no longer be a threat, BUT ...
Coming soon to Syfy: EBOLPHIN!
So long, and thanks for all the viruses.

 

by kaufman
10-17-14
You may ask yourself, who is the most tortured soul of all God's creations? The answer is Paul McCartney's guardian angel.
It all started in 1976 when the angel absentmindedly started singing an insipid tune performed by Paul and his band...
o/`Someone's knocking at the door, Somebody's ringing the bell ...
Wait a minute, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its Wings. I'm an angel, a bell's ringing, and now I'm getting some Wings. And it's THAT DAMNED SONG AGAIN!
o/`Someone's knocking at the door, Somebody's ringing the bell ...
Wait a minute, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its Wings. I'm an angel, a bell's ringing, and now I'm getting some Wings. And it's THAT DAMNED SONG AGAIN!

 

by kaufman
11-17-14
I was reading about palindromes in those dictionaries I found.
Oh yeah, and what are they?
Books that have words and their definitions, but that's not the point.
Yeah, yeah, you got me. So what did you do then?
I spent the afternoon rooting around in my dad's basement.
You really shouldn't do that. You never know what you'll find there.

 

by kaufman
11-17-14
There you are! Thank god, I was so worried about you. Where were you all weekend?
In the shower shampooing. The instructions said "Lather, Rinse, Repeat", so I did, until the bottle ran out. Speaking of which, I've got to go.
THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT CVS
I need a gallon of shampoo.
Already? Honey, you just bought one two days ago.

 

by kaufman
11-26-14
Nice car, Q. What does that button do?
Be very careful, 007. When pressed, this activates a dental floss dispenser.
And who do I have the pleasure of being rescued by?
My name is Labial Chlamydia.
Before you kill me, Goldfinger, will you at least tell me about Operation Grand Slam?
Of course, Mr. Bond. I take you to Denny's for breakfast. What did you think it was?

 

by kaufman
12-05-14
0/` DAAAAAA-DUMM DAAAAAA-DUMM
DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM
DADA-DAAAAAAAAAAH

 

by kaufman
12-08-14
I finally cracked the Nazi code. Let's see what they're saying. B-E-S-U- ...
This could turn the whole war! It says "Be sure to" ...
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine? Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch! The Krauts have been wasting our time with spam.

 

by kaufman
12-10-14
Heh heh heh heh!
What are you in for?
Tory statue rape.

 

by kaufman
12-30-14
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the convention center?
Sure. Go down the road to your third right, then follow it around the big curve, taking an immediate left, go a quarter mile to another left, then just past the ...
** SYMPOSIUM ON THE DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN THE SEXES **
Hello, welcome to the conference.
I'm glad to be here, but where are all the men?

 

by kaufman
1-01-15
VROOOOOOOM!
SPUTTER SPUTTER
Oh drat. I need gas.
What's it going to be? Regular? Premium? Diesel? E-85?
E-85, PLEASE. THIS CAR HAS A CORNHOLE.

 

by kaufman
1-15-15
Ready, here we go, final verse...
o/` On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve drummers drumming, Eleven pipers piping, Ten ladies dancing, Nine lords a-leaping,
Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Nothing at all, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

 

by kaufman
1-17-15
In January, 1973, American League owners passed rules changes without anyone actually proofreading them. Three months later ...
It's opening day at Fenway Park, the Yankees versus the Red Sox.
Two outs, bases loaded, top of the first, and Ron Blomberg's coming to the plate, about to make history.
Blomberg calls time, and he's ordering all the Jewish fans removed from the stadium to be sent to concentration camps.
I can't believe they ratified that Designated Hitler rule.

 

by kaufman
1-31-15
In honor of Black History Month, we pay tribute to James Wilkens, who reformed the idea of Leap Year as we know it.
Nobody cares about February 29th, and it's so confusing, coming only every 4 years.
He came up with the idea of ditching February 29th. Instead, now every four years, we have two February 14ths. A double Valentine's Day! A lover's paradise, who wouldn't like that?
I wuv you!
I know. You told me that yesterday.
Ok, besides this guy. And millions of others like him.
nobody wants to go out with me i'm all alone and i get this rubbed in my face for another whole day why me why?

 

by kaufman
2-12-15
Hi Brenda, oh my god, you look terrible! What happened?
I was shopping for a fur coat this afternoon. I tried one on, but I guess it wasn't dead yet. The coat attacked me. I couldn't breathe.
I thought I was done for, but suddenly this guy came in, poked at the coat, and distracted it enough that it went after him and I could escape.
You are so lucky! Who was that brave man who rescued you?
I don't know. Some Rodeo Drive clown.

Showing page 54.

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