All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
2-17-15
There's nothing quite like having medical professionals performing unspeakable indignities on you.
Did your "prep" go well?
Oh yeah. Who knew my bathroom wallpaper was so fascinating, I could stare at it for hours?
Good. The doctor will be sending a robotic device up the length of your large intestine.
Great. Robots in my butt. The guys at stripcreator would love that idea.
Luckily, these things still give me the opportunity to do what I do best. Yes, this really happened (paraphrased).
Hey, what's that smell? Something in here smells really nice today.
Uh, did I misread something? I'm here for a cologneoscopy, right?

 

by kaufman
2-28-15
2002
See you later.
Bye. Last one to leave the site, turn out the lights.
2008
2015
Hey, how are you doing? What have you been up to all these years?
Getting a haircut and a beard trim. It was a lot of work for them.

 

by kaufman
3-02-15
Heard from Wirthling lately?
Yeah, he's gotten a job in the Middle East making ISIS videos.
He'll be a natural.

 

by kaufman
3-05-15
Holy shit. Earthupials!

 
by kaufman, 3-17-15

 

by kaufman
3-18-15
Yes, Captain, this is definitely the end of the rainbow, but I am not detecting any life, nor am I detecting any pots of gold.
LepreCHAUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!

 

Congratulations on being named the Worst Elvis Impersonator of 2015!
Thank you. Thank you a lot.
by kaufman, 5-15-15

 

by kaufman
5-21-15
Where do you think you're going young woman? You did not finish everything on your plate.
But I don't like pizza crusts!
Didn't you hear? A man is accused of murder because he didn't eat the crust of the pizza he got while holding his victims hostage, and the police found his DNA.
From the pizza crust?
That's right. Now finish your pizza, and then you can go kill Daddy and Johnny.
I love you, mommy.

 

I'm sorry, Caitlyn, but your, er, transformation does not qualify you to win the prize.
But the ad said ten million dollars to anyone who could demonstrate a method of human re-Jenner-ation.
by kaufman, 6-03-15

 

by kaufman
6-27-15
Welcome to Eocene Park! Here you will see real live creatures from 50 million years ago. Creatures like the eohippus, the forerunner of today's horse!
An eohippus? WOW! What did you do? Get some of its DNA from fossilized mosquitoes and clone it and bring it to life?
Don't be silly. That stuff only happens in fantasy movies.
Oh.
No, we accelerated it to within a few miles an hour of the speed of light, and thanks to relativity, 50 million years had elapsed by the time it got back to earth.
Whatever. We have a lawyer with us. Can the eohippus eat him when he takes a dump?

 

by kaufman
6-28-15
This is a very exciting day. In just a few moments, the New Horizons spacecraft will send back the first close-up pictures from Pluto!
Will you look at that! The strange, distant, unclassifiable member of our solar system and ... What's that down there? Can you zoom in please?
It looks like ... a sign.
ABOUT TIME YOU MADE IT HERE. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? --SECRETARIAT

 

by kaufman
7-07-15
DAMN!
What's the matter, honey?
Is it that letter? Did you get some bad news? What's it say?
It says ... "Boop."
Boop?
Yeah. Some of these play-by-mail Pong players are REALLY tough.

 

by kaufman
7-09-15
Hey, I hear you got the new Madden 2015. How is the game?
Let me tell you, it's the best and most realistic one yet!
Really?
Yeah. I was playing Giants-Eagles yesterday and Jason Pierre-Paul sacked the quarterback ...
Pierre-Paul? But he's the one who just blew off half his hand in a fireworks accident.
Yup, and get this. Just like the great folks they are, 50,000 Philly fans offered him the finger.

 

by kaufman
7-09-15
Former coach John Madden said he was saddened by the passing of Ken Stabler.
Well, shit. We know he was no Lamonica, but if Madden felt that way, why didn't he just cut the guy?

 

by kaufman
7-14-15
Why are we reading this again? I PAID FOR ALL THESE COMICS SO I MAKE MYSELF READ THEM ALL. OK? That makes no sense. Please, shall we all read anything except this?
Gallium.
Germanium.
Except this! Go back! Goback goback goback goback goback goback!
yummm. my dik is bigg.
Praesodynium.
Tin.

 

by kaufman
7-21-15
ALL THOSE BROWN MEXICANS COMING OVER THE BORDER ARE DRUG DEALERS AND RAPISTS AND BABY EATERS!
You tell 'em, Donald!
WAR HEROES DON'T GET CAPTURED. JOHN MCCAIN WAS A LOSER, NOT A HERO!
USA! USA! USA!
SHARKNADO 3 IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE! IT MAKES CITIZEN KANE LOOK LIKE DOG PISS!
What the fuck is that putz talking about? I am so out of here.

 

by kaufman
7-28-15
Hey, Susan, why the long face?
Because I was so excited when I heard that after so many years, a new book by my favorite author had been discovered and would soon be released.
And then I got it and read it, and wouldn't you know it, the most beloved character, one whom I had based my moral compass on as a child, turned out to be a bigoted pig!
I didn't realize you were such an Atticus Finch fan!
Finch? What did he write? I'm talking about the Cat in the Hat.

 

by kaufman
8-03-15
In the beginning, God created the Earth and placed man on it.
God eventually realized that he had not done something right.
So, God created light and confirmed it!
Ok, next batch I use less clay and add in some pigment. Albinos was a bad idea.

 

by kaufman
8-05-15
Ok, so you're here, Dave, and so is Carl.
What about Herb? He said he'd be here.
Maybe one of you can call him and see where he is.
Sure, Jack. I'll just... Wait, I think I hear him coming.
This is really where the jokes come from.
Sorry I'm late, guys. Traffic was murder.
No problem. At least we now know it takes FOUR Abe Vigoda impersonators to change a lightbulb.

 

by kaufman
8-05-15
Ok, turn around once more, then go for it!
Nice job! Check out how you did.
Our neighborhood was so tough, at birthday parties, we'd play Pin the Jail on the Donkey!

 

by kaufman
8-06-15
You may go home, Tattoo. Unfortunately we will have no guests this weekend.
It seems that on their way over here, Mrs. Oglethorpe was bitten by a black mamba, and the Hardings were eaten by pythons.
Snakes on motherfucking de plane, Boss! Snakes on motherfucking de plane!

 

by kaufman
8-11-15
Americans are voting for stupid people. So my plan is to reanimate corpses with the brains of geniuses and have them vote. Now, Igor, bring me the brain of Albert Einstein!
Yes, Master!
The Einstein brain was not available. But I was able to get the brain of bridge legend Easley Blackwood.
A brilliant innovator and a great player. Yes, that should do nicely. Now, let us animate the body!
My beautiful creation! You're alive! Now go off to the polls and vote. But first tell me, how are you going to cast your ballot?
FOR ..... NO ..... TRUMP!!!!

 

by kaufman
9-13-15
2010
Susan, want to join our office dead pool this year?
God, no. Those things are so tasteless.
2015
Susan, want to join our office fantasy reaping league this year?
Of course, count me in!

 

by kaufman
9-15-15
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cialis!
Hee hee hee. Cialis whooo?
Cialis run. Run, Alice, run ...

 

by kaufman
10-15-15
Wow. Those were the most delicious potatoes I've ever tasted. And you're a botanist who grew them yourself. Figures. So, what's your secret?
Well, I was stuck in a place with no breathable air and no drinkable water. So I synthesized H2O and fertilized the seeds in my own shit.
Well, that's very ... Hey, wait a minute, I recognize you! You're the guy who was stranded on Mars for two years!
Huh? No, you must have me mistaken for somebody else.
So you didn't grow these on Mars?
No, of course not. I grew them in my back yard in New Jersey.

 

by kaufman
10-27-15
That boy is so unpopular, even his imaginary friends aren't real.

 

by kaufman
11-27-15
Last night I had the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever.
It was over at George the Animal Steele's house and he served a turducken.
Wow! That's exquisite. I wish I could have been there.
Did I mention that this was at George the Animal Steele's house? He cooked a chicken inside a duck inside a turnbuckle.

 

by kaufman
11-27-15
Class, this is a cemetery. Long ago, people would bury their dead in places like this and put up large stones to mark their locations.
There's writing on those stones.
Yes, people would leave messages on them telling about the deceased. Like "Edna Robinson, loving wife and mother". Or this one ... oh my god, that is so sad!
Why? What does it say?
Here lies Melvin Lee. Died one day before the discovery of the secret to immortality.

 

by kaufman
12-01-15
... and because it was Giving Tuesday, I spent a few hours donating to all sorts of charitable causes. How about you?
Hell no. I don't donate on Giving Tuesday, and I don't do special shopping on Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday. I spend my money when and how I choose ...
But ...
... not as the social mediocrities proclaim. Speaking of which, did you hear that some people on Twitter have declared today Dieday the Thirteenth?

 

by kaufman
12-02-15
Any problems, John?
Heck no. Secret Service must have been partying again. I just walked in the door..
And then the dude didn't even look up from the show he was streaming. I just stepped up behind him and blew his brains out.

 

by kaufman
12-20-15
I'm going to be frank with you. It's the holiday season, and everyone wants that special something.
But if you see a deal that looks too good to be true, it probably is.
So if someone offers you a pre-release copy of "Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Says Fuck It and Goes Back to Bed", don't buy it. It's a fake!

 

by kaufman
12-22-15
Hey Vic, are you in here? Vic ? Where the hell are you?
I'm in here, coach!
Well, come on, get the hell out of there! It's your turn to bat. And stay out of the damn labyrinth!
I can't! My zipper is stuck to the wall!
I don't believe what I just saw. Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Wertz's fly was somehow caught by maze!

 

by kaufman
12-27-15
The Big Short was one of the most thought provoking films of the year. It reminds me of Waiting for Godot.
the truth is like poetry ...
That's the one where the characters spend all their time wiaitng for this Godot dude to show up, and he never does. This one was kind of like the same.
and most people ...
I kept waiting to find out who the title character would be. Herve Villechaize? Billy Barty? Verne Troyer? I guess we'll have to shell out for the sequel to find out.
... hate poetry.

 

by kaufman
1-19-16
Did you hear Glenn Frey died?
Oh no! What happened?
They said it was a combination of rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis and pneumonia.
Bummer. I hadn't heard about the arthritis and the pneumonia ...
... but I can't be surprised about the other factor. There was always that warm smell of colitis rising up through the air.

 

by kaufman
1-20-16
I'd like a Big Mac, a medium fries, and to drink just a glass of water ...
Unleaded.
Sorry, all we have is leaded.

 

by kaufman
1-22-16
Hi mom.
Look at you! Have you put on a few pounds?
360 days a year:
And don't forget to be sure to get some exercise. You need to stay in shape!
Ok, I will, mom.
But on the eve of the big snowstorm ...
For god's sake, don't shovel the driveway yourself. You'll kill yourself! Find someone to do it.
???

 

by kaufman
1-27-16
A fight prop that gyrates and whirls ... Is about to run over some squirrels.
My attention span's lacking, The next panel's blacking ...

 

by kaufman
1-28-16
I've been diagnosed anorexic.
And I just found out I'm dyslexic.
I don't want to eat
You are so frusrdteat,
Wihle standerunding me takes on ompyltexic.

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
Hello, Discount Superheroes R Us? I want to rip off the Vatican as payback for what a priest did to me when I was young.
We'll send someone right over!
Hello, good citizen! I'm Doesn't-Hear-The-First-Two-Letters-Of-Every-Word-Spoken-To-Me Man. What can I do for you?
Cheat Rome!
*ulp*
WTF?

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
With only four reindeer to pull my sleigh, we can't have Christmas this year, Blitzen. Any idea where Comet and Rudolph and Olive and Dancer and Cupid and Prancer are?
Uh, I don't know. Did you look under your boot?
And why are you guys calling yourselves the Donner party anyway?
I guess "Vixen" just sounds too silly.
And HEY, why are you looking at me that way?
Do you have any idea of your protein content?

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
This package came for you.
Oh yeah, I've been waiting for it.
What's in it?
A new collection from K-Tel: Graphic novelizations of bad songs from the seventies.
Let's give a few a listen to, shall we?

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
What do you think so far?
Those are quite interesting, but I think you're forgetting something.
Oh don't worry, there's a boatload of disco coming up.
No, not that. You're posting this to a comic contest thread and it has nothing to do with the theme of the contest.
You're right, I totally forgot. Maybe we can find something in here that fits the theme ...

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
Goodbye honey, I'm off to war.
I wish you wouldn't. I worry about you. Don't be stupid and try to be a hero or something. Promise you'll come back in one piece.
I need a volunteer to go on a dangerous mission. You have a chance to be a real hero.
I'm your man.
We regret to inform you that Billy was killed in battle. Rest assured, he was a true hero.

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
Day 1
Hey dude, you got a name or something?
Day 3
C'mon, man, tell me your name.
Day 9
Shit man, I let that horse go, but I never found out his name.

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
Oh shit, the mine's caved in. And you and Tim and I are the only ones down here.
We're going to be stuck down here and we'll probably starve to death. God, I'm already hungry.
You know, suddenly I feel less hungry. I think I'll take a nap.
Me too. Hmmm ... I wonder where Timothy went.
Hey, wake up. I think I hear rescuers coming to get us.
About time. It's scary when two people are trapped alone in a dark mine.

 

by kaufman
2-12-16
Write about something you see in nature.
Essay!
T-U-R-D
An exceptional report!
A
Why, Knight?

 

by kaufman
2-23-16
There's a morals problem with our baseball team.
The gambling and drugs are one thing, but now they've taken it even further.
Yesterday I went into the locker room and caught the second baseman buggering the first baseman.
WHAT FUCKING WHO??

 

by kaufman
3-04-16
We begin tonight's news with the story of a blockbuster trade between the United States and the United Arab Emirates.
The US will be receiving the city of Dubai in exchange for Philadelphia and a river to be named later.
A spokesman says the US is excited to get this phenom city. Meanwhile, the Emirates say that they will rename Philadelphia to Abu Santaclaus.

 

by kaufman
3-29-16
Last month I drove from Wisconsin to Arizona. Long trip, but a lot of fun.
Oh no, man, not the Wisconsin-Arizona route. I hear the restrooms along the way are terrible.
I wouldn't know. I drove across Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, couldn't pee, couldn't shit. Through Oklahoma, Texas, into New Mexico, nada.
That's awful! You must have been hurting.
You know it. Then finally a bit over an hour past Albuquerque, I went over this hill and everything just exploded out of me.
Don't tell me ... You hit the Incontinental Divide.

 

by kaufman
3-31-16
What is this place?
Let me guess. You just got the new Google GPS device that can get you anywhere, took it on a road trip, and asked it for a good place to take a shit.
Uh, yeah. How did you know?
I was doing the same exact thing, on my way from Madison to Flagstaff, needed to take a dump, and it took me here.
Yup, exactly the same with me, except I was going across Pennsylvania. So just where are we?
Donald Trump's hair.

Showing page 55.

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