All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
5-07-18
Nestle Headquarters, Switzerland
Let me get this straight. We paid 7.2 Billion dollars to Starbucks so we can sell their coffee for them?
That's right. Those out-of-store products are worth 2 Billion in revenue. That's 2 BILLION with a B.
Mhmm
If we maintain a healthy 5% profit on sales, that's 100 Million every year! We can pay off the investment in only, let's see here... in only 72 years.
Hey Mr. Nestle, I think you left a chocolate bar in your back pocket because it melted and is dripping out of your pants.
Excuse me while I find an open window to jump from.

 

by Moturd
5-08-18
Thank you and welcome to the Whitehouse. Today I announce my First Lady Initiative.
I call it Москва́: Make Our Country Kids Best Again.
Great name! where'd you get the idea?
It was on an envelope of money sent to Donald.

 

by Moturd
5-19-18
You're new here. Don't you have a home, bro?
Not any more. Stupid Elon Musk.
Okay, spill
I went for a ride on his new Boring hyperloop loop.
It only costs $1 to go from downtown to the airport!
Yeah but I fell asleep in my seat

 

by Moturd
6-23-18
_______________TIME
Should we have doctored the photo and lied about the little girl on our cover? It reinforces Trump's assertions about the media.
We're safe. Our liberal readers don't think with their brains.
I saw Jamal photoshopping a bloody knife into Trump's hand...
Oh that. He's just gearing up for the midterm elections.

 

by Moturd
7-23-18
Cosplay is short for Costume Play. You can dress up as anything you want.
Cosplay as a superhero!
Or a sci-fi character.
Cosplay is judgement free.
Coz playin' got the Coz in trouble. Zip zop puddin pop! Heh heh heh

 

by Moturd
7-31-18
Man, I had Mexican last night and today it feels like my ass is on fire!
Fun!

 

by Moturd
8-06-18
OK, the meeting between Don Jr. and a Russian lawyer was to get dirt on Clinton, but that's legal and done all the time especially by the Democrats.
The real news:
That's totally untrue! We concoct our oppo research and then launder it through British spies, the Kremlin, sour grape nominees, and finally the FBI.
Donald Trump had borscht for lunch proving treason! and made the military strong again and gave us all jobs and turned the economy around.

 

by Moturd
8-09-18
Hold on! I've got a moth in my ear.
I'll pull it out with these tweezers.
Thanks. That's better.
Now if I just had tweezers big enough to pull your head out of your ass...

 

by Moturd
8-22-18
Asia Argento seduced me when I was 17 years old.
She pleasured me orally, then rode me like a bronco.
It was horrible!
Oh you poor boy! Welcome to our team.

 

by Moturd
9-05-18
Well! This is really a surprise. Pres. Trump speaking highly of Democrats.
I can't say enough good about them. I hope they sweep the field in the next election.
I never thought I'd hear you endorse the political party I'm an operative of.
Maybe I should be more specific.
I'm talking about Sweden Democrats.

 

by Moturd
9-05-18
MSM coverage of Trump on an issue
Amazon gets a postal subsidy and pays so little their employees have to get food stamps.
Amazon is actually propping up the USPS. You are just mad that Bezos owns WaPo which is unfairly biased against you.
Coverage of Democrat: same issue
Amazon gets a postal subsidy and pays so little their employees have to get food stamps.
My God, Bernie! Thank you for bringing this to our attention. This situation is shameful and indefensible!
Now we return to your regular programming...
Pres. Trump went on another childish tirade today with his groundless accusations of media bias.
Oh wow, and my common sense had it backward. Good thing CNN cleared that up.

 

by Moturd
9-07-18
The Sales Strategy Meeting
We realized most of our customers are urban counter-culture youth, so hiring Kaepernick was a no-brainer.
Good for some free publicity but what about afterward?
We'll just keep raising the bar: contribute to Socialists, host an Antifa march, pledge allegiance to ISIS...
The demographic that buys athletic shoes will buy our brand because we "get" them.
Young people today are angry. Trump made jobs plentiful and government handouts scarce.
They feel cornered. They can't blame anyone for being jobless.

 

by Moturd
9-07-18
Whoa, I just had the coolest idea for an electic powered airplane that can take off and land vertically!
Did you ever stop and think that maybe our whole universe is just one big simulation?
Come on man, pass it.
No way Musk, I'd never get it back. You keep bogarting.

 

by Moturd
9-12-18
I attached a bionic penis to the patient.
Did his old one come off?
No, this man had a very rare condition where he was born without a penis.
I've never heard of that. Has that ever happened before?
Rosie O'Donell

 

by Moturd
9-20-18
This is killer weed.
Sweet, man. I'm gonna get baked!
There is absolutely no evidence that a crustacean can get high off pot. Now give me another hit of ecstasy, Bitch!

 

I will find your killer someday, Nicole. *sniff*
by Moturd, 12-21-18

 

by Moturd
12-21-18
I created a DNA sequence half from the bible and half from the koran and injected it.
I should have turned into an angel, but nothing has happened.
This guy just doesn't get the concept of nullification.
You know, I never liked the term "Darwin Awards." but it's growing on me.

 

by Moturd
12-21-18
I made you a knitted sweater this year, dog.
I made you something too. It's outside the back door.
I ate some of it. Sorry.

 

by Moturd
12-23-18
♪♫ I'll have a blue Christmas without you; I'll be so blue thinking about you.
Your racist lyric is in violation of Starfleet reg PC2018-12...
It's not racist. It refers to the methyl hexane snows of my planet which are blue in color.
Scotchy, beam down a security detail. Hate speech violation.
Have you any last words, Earthling?
Blue Lives Matter?

 

by Moturd
1-24-19
At Liberal Media Headquarters...
I don't understand why everyone thinks we post fake news to manipulate the public.
Well we did get caught attacking school children with hateful lies.
They deserve it. They're male, Christian and white, the trifecta of triggers.
I agree but some people argue we should evaluate individuals by their actions rather than innate physical characteristics.
That sounds like the sort of malarky some Republican would say.
He was a Republican: Abraham Lincoln

 

by Moturd
1-30-19
This feels super fantastic. My new Japanese kanji tattoo look so cool.
And not at all like I'm appropriating someone else's culture.
Hey donut licker! Why your hand say 'barbecue grill'?
Somewhere in his own personal hell, Pete Davidson takes the knife away from his wrist and smiles for the first time in months...
Har har. She was just using you to piss off her ex, bro. I can't believe you proposed marriage after only 4 weeks! What a maroon!
Yeah, but now she looks like the fool.

 

by Moturd
2-11-19
I've lowered unemployement for Hispanics to the lowest in history!
False: There is an unreported number of cartel smugglers and coyotes out of work now.
1 out of 3 women who cross the border illegally is sexually assaulted.
False: It is only 31%. Donald Trump doesn't know that 1/3 is not 31%.
God Bless You, God Bless America, and good night!
False.

 

by Moturd
2-16-19
Sorry you're out of work pal. Head over to the soup kitchen where I donated money.
But I keep my doors locked and a wall around my house to protect my family and my property.
Damn Republican

 

by Moturd
2-16-19
I really expected sex with a robot to be more fun.
But to be honest, I found it empty and unsatisfying.
I'm sorry that you did not enjoy my services. Perhaps if you were to try penetrating me instead?

 

Quit Jürgenstock-blocking me!
by Moturd, 2-16-19

 

by Moturd
2-21-19
Mhm.
...and they said 'we hate fags!' and put their pee pees in my butt. Then they drew swastikas on me and said Trump is a russian spy and no one will believe you cuz you're black.
I'm going to treat this like you're telling the truth but... it sounds like a load of bull shit.
You don't believe the victim? It's like I'm being lynched all over again! They had a noose and bleach at 2:00 am! The wind chill was 10 below!
Are you wearing blackface? That's blackface, isn't it! What 's your Twitter handle?

 

by Moturd
2-22-19
Channel 4, Here with republicans in Utah who are pushing a bill to ban controversial "gay conversion" therapy.
I'd love to take full credit but this is a bipartisan bill.
Even the LDS Church is not opposed to the legislation.
My aides tell me the therapy is ineffective and hurtful. Banning it is the right thing to do!
As a conservative, are you surprised to be a sponsor?
Not at all. I couldn't bear to see any more of our young people converted into gays.

 

by Moturd
2-22-19
Jackson Oswalt is the youngest person to build a functioning nuclear fusion reactor.
I bought $10,000 worth of parts off Ebay to build it. Unfortunately it uses more energy than it creates else I'd be a billionaire.
Something like this must look pretty good when applying for colleges, huh Jackson?
Yep. I was offered full-rides from Pyong Yang Tech and Tehran University.
What inspires a 12 year old to embark on such a project?
I did it for the chicks.

 

by Moturd
2-24-19
Body recovered after Amazon cargo plane nose dives into Houston bay...
Does this mean my nose hair shaver won't be here by Wednesday?
That's not fair. I paid for Prime!

 

by Moturd
2-24-19
Breaking news tonight: a swastika and misspelled slogan was found drawn in chalk on an elementary school playground!
Robert Mueller is rounding up Trump supporters in the Tri-State area for interrogation.
We will spare no expense to solve this high profile terror incident.
Both the perps and their parents will be sent to re-education camp.
Also found at the school were dozens of library books with dicks drawn in them.
Jonah Hill, of Superbad fame, was taken into custody by the FBI.

 

by Moturd
3-12-19
I created videos of myself picking up trash along the highway and uploaded them to Twitter with the hashtag #trashtag
The chicks really dig it. They think I'm a sensitive idealist.
I just figured why not work on my personal brand since the judge says I have another 100 hours of public service to go anyway

 

by Moturd
3-12-19
I heard about that #trashtag challenge so I decided to give it a try.
After all, picking up trash is my specialty.
How you doin?

 

by Moturd
3-28-19
While patting you down I found this bag of white powder hidden in your sock.
These aren't my socks. Someone at a party asked me to wear them.
Is the cocaine yours?
Well... maybe. Would I get it back?

 

by Moturd
3-31-19
We had super majorities. We carried the house and the senate. We had the presidency. They had to amend the constitution to prevent FDR from getting re-elected.
Must resist temptation to point out obvious fallacies. The GOP couldn't amend shit if Democrats had a super majority...
and FDR had been dead for 2 years before the 22nd amendment was passed.
The only thing we have to fear... is running out of brains, BRAINS...

 

by Moturd
4-14-19
On Monday, scientists unveiled the first photo of a black hole but it was blurry. Today, I bring you a clear picture. Behold!
Sagittarius A*...
Where is the fiery ring, like in the other picture?
I used a telephoto lens.

 

by Moturd
4-15-19
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. FAA regulations strictly prohibit smoking at any time on the airplane, but...
...for the next 90 seconds or so, feel free to smoke 'em if you got 'em.

 

by Moturd
4-18-19
Where am I?
I used a system of heaters, pumps, and artificial blood to restore brain function to this pig.
I remember dying. Now I'm here.
Billions of cells appear healthy and normal.
Are you God?
Yes, little piggy. I am God. Now get in the slow cooker, uh, I mean angel wing attacher.

 

by Moturd
4-18-19
Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our new Rocky Mountain High burger? It's infused with cannabis.
Yes, please.
Anything else?
No, just that.
That'll be $4.20. Hey, haven't you already been in here twice tonight?
Every time I eat one, I get the munchies.

 

by Moturd
4-20-19
Liberian President George Weah
All workers have been told to stay away until Monday
as I have been driven from my office by snakes.
A bunch of snakes tried to drive me out of office too. NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION!

 

by Moturd
4-23-19
I think felons should be allowed to vote. Yes, even terrorists who hate America like that 'Boston Bomber' Tsarnaev kid.
It's a slippery slope if we let law abiding decent people say "no no, you hate us, you want to kill us, so we don't want your input on how to run society."
I also think it's a slippery slope if we let hot young women say "no no, I won't have sex with you because you're a gross disgusting old man.

 

by Moturd
5-03-19
Let me see if I have this straight. Someone stole $21,000 worth of panties from you.
Yes, Officer.
Were they dirty panties?
No.
Well that clears d_Bacon.

 

Mr. President, NASA destroyed New York with a giant asteroid in a planetary defence exercise.
That's odd. They told me they were going to simulate a catastrophe.
by Moturd, 5-06-19

 

by Moturd
5-10-19
Bad Taste.
You know what the worst part about having sex with kids is?
No. What?
Check.
Trying to get the blood out of my clown suit.
Not offensive enough?
You know what the worst part about having sex with kids is?
Yes

 

by Moturd
5-17-19
What's wrong, Maura? I've never seen you so sad.
Grumpy Cat died today. Everyone thinks she had a bad disposition but really she was just a regular sweet cat with markings that looked morose.
I see what you mean. All we know is the persona her handlers cultivated.
Exactly! I'll bet she loved everyone she met.
Don't cry, Maura. I really did hate all of you.
Grumps, you got a couple lives left. What do you think about being Lori Loughlin's next child, but you'd have to get into college on your own. Hello, Phoenix University!

 

by Moturd
5-18-19

 

by Moturd
5-18-19
Elon, is this the test pilot for the SpaceX manned vehicle?
Oh my god, this monkey is just so cute. And what a huge cock the little scamp has!
Say what?
Is it alright if I pick him up? He won't bite will he?
I don't know whether to file a civil rights lawsuit or play along so I can touch her breasts.

 

by Moturd
5-19-19
I'm here with 2020 presidential candidate, Gov. Steve Bullock.
I think life begins at viability.
So... if a baby is born with health problems we should withhold medical treatment until we see if it can live on its own?
Oh heavens, no!
It should star on Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls. If it survives, then it's alive.

 

by Moturd
5-28-19
Since no one wants to pay for my new green dole, I've come up with a new green plan.
Every year, we will choose random billionaires to divest of their fortunes until our welfare state budget is balanced.
I calculate that we will eliminate cow farts before we run out of billionaires.

 

by Moturd
5-29-19
There was insufficient evidence to charge President Trump with any crimes. BUT that doesn't mean he didn't do it. wink wink
Channel 3 has done an investigation of Bob Mueller. While we found no evidence at all that he rapes babies and strangles old people in their sleep...
...that doesn't exonerate him. wink wink

 

by Moturd
6-10-19
25 Years after the horrific murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, OJ Simpson says, "Life is fine."
Presumably this was in answer to the question...
For how long should you have been sentenced?

Showing page 6.

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