All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
7-24-03
So I see you're getting your own secretary--how come you're so special?
Well, she's actually going to be the department secretary.
But you're the only person in your department.
That's right.
So you get your own secretary.
Let's not forget I get my own office, too--by the way, have you checked out my view lately?

 

by choadwarrior
7-27-03
Oh, my god! I can't believe it! I saw Erik Estrada when I was up in L.A.
He was probably hard to miss, since he's so fat now.
I know--I wouldn't have recognized him if it hadn't been for all the middle-aged women smothering him.
I think he went from being in CHiPs to eating chips.
No kidding.
He went from playing Ponch to having a paunch.

 

by choadwarrior
7-27-03
I still don't understand why you get your own secretary.
The idea is that if I have some assistance, I can be as productive as you.
Oh! So it takes two people to do as much work as me?
No...
If I can push all my work on someone else, I'll finally have time to stand around and bitch and gossip about co-workers all day.

 

by choadwarrior
7-28-03
Good lord--cheese must be running through your arteries.
I wish I had your metabolism--it's not my fault I'm fat.
I used to be as big as you, but I started eating balanced meals and exercising and lost over 70 pounds.
Well, I guess I'm just big-boned.
And how many big bones are in that stomach of yours?

 

by choadwarrior
7-29-03
Why have you stopped repair work and left this deep, water-filled hole in the middle of our campus?
Because we don't think we're the contractor responsible for causing the problem.
Well, you laid the pipe and it's obvious from what we've pulled out of the ground that you failed to protect it from the corrosive soil in this area.
No, we always protect the pipe on our jobs, that's how we know it wasn't us.
You realize that's why they call it a "construction defect," right?
Sure do--I feel sorry for that contractor you're going to sue when you find him.

 

by choadwarrior
7-29-03
Did I just hear you fill up your candy dish?
Yep...plenty of melty delights await you.
I don't know how you stay so skinny with all that candy in your office.
Well, it's there for everyone else. I might eat one piece a week.
God...If I had a candy dish at my desk, I'd eat myself to death!
Play it cool, boy... she might be on to you.

 

by choadwarrior
7-30-03
I can't believe you're wearing that disgusting pair of underwear again. I thought I threw them out.
You did, I rescued them from the trash.
Why in the world would you do that?
They're my favourite pair.
I've never seen underwear with more skidmarks, stains, and splatters.
Look, you just don't understand my art.

 

by choadwarrior
8-01-03
Yes, I know we've had our problems, but we really want to be your vendor of choice for all your projects.
I don't want to say you've been unreliable, but...
You've dropped more balls than the Vienna Boys Choir

 

by choadwarrior
8-01-03
I'm filing a grievance with the union...you guys don't do anything about health and safety.
Have you ever taken a dump in the employee restrooms?
Yes, why?
If you had bothered to read the toilet seat cover box, you'd know...
Those are placed by the management for your protection.

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-03
This is how every trip to Costco ends for me...
Sir, can I see your receipt?
No.
GET BACK HERE--you're breaking store policy!

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-03
Meanwhile, out in the parking lot...
Are you the guy that just walked out without showing your receipt?
Yes.
Sir, you have to show me your receipt.
No. I don't.
But it's store policy.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
Sir, we need to check your receipt to make sure we didn't double scan anything...you wouldn't want to be overcharged, would you?
I've been coming to this store for nine years and not once has anyone caught an error on my receipt.
It really is for your protection, sir.
I'm willing to take that risk.
You realize you are violating our store policy, don't you?

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
I don't understand why you won't show me your receipt.
Because it violates my policy.
What policy is that?
The policy of only waiting in one line per store.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
Are we going to go through this next time you come here?
Are you going to chase me to my car if I walk out without showing my receipt?
Yes.
Then I suppose we will.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
I don't understand why you won't just show me your receipt.
I don't understand why you just don't train your cashiers better if they are so prone to double-scanning.
You know, we aren't the only store that does this...Fry's does too.
Yeah, but their employees don't care enough to chase me to my car when I walk past their receipt checkers.
Hmmm, I wonder how much they pay.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
Sir, I'm asking you as nicely as I know how to please let me see your receipt.
I know, and you can go now, with the understanding that you tried as hard as your little mind would let you.
Yes--but how will you return any of your purchases if you don't let me mark your receipt?
This hasn't been that far off from reality.
I'm sure I can find a yellow highlighter somewhere and make a random mark on it.
I give up--this guy has an answer for everything.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
A co-worker got first-choice of which secretary she wanted to hire...
What was wrong with the woman who had six years experience as an executive assistant?
I was suspicious of her--she had the right answer to every question.
She was also dressed very professionally.
Yes, she's obviously hiding something.
What, that she's the perfect candidate?
HA! Overachievers are impossible to micro-manage.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
Hello, doggy. What's your name?
I told you last week...have you forgotten?
You look familiar, but I don't really recall.
I use a simple trick so that I can always remember whom I meet.
What's that?
I smell their ass.

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-03
Hey, did you see "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" last night?
Dude! You watch that? That show is so gay!
Hey, I didn't watch it on purpose...
...it just happened to be on after "Boy Meets Boy."

 

by choadwarrior
8-08-03
So I'm going to ask you a lot of questions about your personal relationship with the plaintiff.
We were just co-workers.
Yeah, but he revealed a lot of information to you about how he was under psychiatric care and suicidal before we terminated him.
You can prove his performance was awful, why do you have to drag him through the mud too?
Do I tell her it's to establish that his personal problems affected his work, that it sends a message to other employees to think twice before suing us, or that it's just plain fun?

 

by choadwarrior
8-08-03
So I went and got an HIV test today.
That's good.
I'm kinda nervous.
Because you might be positive?
I'm not too worried, but if I am, that cute guy who works at the clinic will never give me his number.
Unless he decided to devote his life to disease prevention for a reason.

 

by choadwarrior
8-08-03
You need to go talk to our daughter about losing some weight.
She's only three--that's all baby fat.
That's what they say about Drew Barrymore too, and she's 28.
I've tried to boost her self esteem by stressing that it's what's inside that counts.
What is inside her is a tub of Crisco.
You just don't understand--It's a mother's job to teach her daughter how to deal with problems through denial.

 

by choadwarrior
8-08-03
Honey, we need to get you off all the junk food.
But it's soooooo yummy!
But you're only three and you have a neck like Michael Moore!
I thought it's what's inside that counts.
You may as well learn this lesson while you are young and can do something about it...Relying on my personality instead of looks is how I ended up with your father.

 

by choadwarrior
8-09-03
Hey little pussy--what's youre name?
Queef.
Why do they call you Queef?
I have no idea.
PPPFFFFPFT

 

by choadwarrior
8-10-03
Our daughter is so cute.
That's because she looks like her mother.
Yes, she definitely has my eyes, my nose, my smile, my hair, my ears...
Aww...she has to have SOMETHING that reminds you of me!
Well, she's hung like her father.

 

by choadwarrior
8-10-03
I just brought home something new from IKEA.
It's called Böfrnd.
I found it near the Glöre Höl.

 

by choadwarrior
8-10-03
Put the jelly donut down and eat some vegetables for fuck's sake.
I'm young--there's plenty of time for me to drop some pounds. For now, I'm enjoying life.
I'm sure there will be a day when you will lose forty pounds overnight.
What, through some miracle scientific breakthrough?
No, when you develop adult-onset diabetes and they have to cut off your leg.

 

by choadwarrior
8-10-03
So Michael, why do you call your youngest son "Blanket?"
Well, he's soft...
I like to rub against him...
And sometimes I sleep with him over my face.

 

by choadwarrior
8-12-03
I noticed something when we were in the shower earlier...
What?
You peed on my leg.
So?
Are you some kind of pervert?

 

by choadwarrior
8-13-03
How are you going to make California a better place if you are elected governor?
First I'm going to cut property taxes 40%.
Then I'm going to give everybody free health care.
But what are you going to do to solve the $38 billion budget deficit?
Blame it on my parents.

 

by choadwarrior
8-13-03
Don't you think the school should have a three-day supply of food in case of earthquake?
Don't you think our students will get in their SUV's and drive home?
But what if they can't?
Their parents will get in their SUV's and pick them up.
But what if they have to spend the night at school?
Have you seen the size of them? We'd be doing them a favour if we made them fast.

 

by choadwarrior
8-13-03
My mom's side of the family is pure French.
But that's balanced out by my dad's side--they're all English.
So I'm a rude bastard, but very polite and embarrassed about it.

 

by choadwarrior
8-15-03
Why do all the menu items have wacky sports-related names?
It's a theme restaurant.
I have no idea what to order...What's the Dick Butkus?
That's the tossed salad.

 

by choadwarrior
8-16-03
I'm so hot.
Do you mean sexually?
Or is menopause starting?

 

by choadwarrior
8-17-03
How about a light lunch today?
Oh, christ, not this again.
How about Wendy's? I usually get the single cheeseburger, small fries, and a Frosty.
That doesn't sound very light to me.
Well, it can't be too many calories, those items are only 99 cents each.

 

by choadwarrior
8-18-03
Your former secretary sent me over here to get her old monitor.
Why?
She says she likes it better than the one she has in her new department, even though they're identical.
Knowing her, its probably the picture of the cow she had on her desktop.
Is she really that clueless?
Totally. Just give her a mirror--she'll never know the difference.

 

by choadwarrior
8-19-03
So your last relationship was two years, huh?
Yeah, but I would describe it as "on-again, off-again."
So you just dated regularly but nothing serious?
Well...kinda...
He'd call me up, then he'd get on again, then he'd get off again.

 

by choadwarrior
8-19-03
Man, I'm hungry--I thought you'd said there'd be food here.
That's not what I meant by sausage party, dude.

 

by choadwarrior
8-20-03
When I'm out of the office, I need you to be "large and in-charge."
That sounds like a lot of responsibility.
Don't worry about it...
You're already halfway there.

 

by choadwarrior
8-20-03
New reality show "Fag Meets Hag"
So why do you want to be my fag hag?
I want someone to go shopping with!
I love getting drunk and begging gay guys to have sex with me!
I'm looking for someone to abandon me at a club when he finds someone to hookup with.
I want to hang out with cute guys and complain about how I can't get laid.
Why do they keep saying he's gay? He must work out five times a week!

 

by choadwarrior
8-20-03
Baby, I want to fill a void in you.
You mean the emptiness in my life resulting from my inability to find or keep long-term relationships?
No, I was thinking of your booty.

 

by choadwarrior
8-21-03
I need you to e-mail or fax my new secretary a copy of that annual notice we send out at the beginning of school.
I can fax it.
Thanks.
What's your fax number?
It's the same fax number that you had for 12 years up until last week when you transfered to this department.
I know; I had it written down, but I think I threw it away.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-03
All you do is bitch about AOL, how come you haven't dropped them yet?
Because of security...haven't you seen the commercials?
No, what do they say?
Having an always-on internet connection is like removing the front door to your house--anyone can get in!
No, dropping AOL for an always-on connection is like installing a door because you're tired of always crawling out the fucking window.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-03
IT resorts to lying to get my former secretary to stop asking them to swap her 15" monitor for another 15" monitor...
I thought you were going to bring over my old monitor? I can't work with the one they gave me in this department.
I'm sorry, it just won't work with this computer.
Why not?
Because the black monitors go with the black computers. There's no way I can hook up a black monitor to a white pc.
That makes sense. Do you have any spare black computers?

 

by choadwarrior
8-25-03
Good luck in the hospital...
...though you aren't exactly ill...
If I can't burn off those hemorrhoids...
I gladly will.

 

by choadwarrior
8-25-03
So I finally put an end to all that nonsense about my former secretary wanting to swap monitors with my new secretary.
FINALLY! Did you just tell her there is no difference between the two--that they're both 15 inch monitors?
No, she wouldn't buy that argument.
So what did you tell her?
That her new monitor is better because it's ergonomic.

 

by choadwarrior
8-27-03
You here for a smog test?
Yes.
You need to go in the office.
This is a "smog test only" station... what else would I be here for?
You here for a smog test?

 

by choadwarrior
8-28-03
So I finally watched "Office Space."
What did you think?
It was great! I thought about this place during the whole movie.
Yeah, there certainly are some parallels.
I especially loved the "flair." The cafeteria workers are going to love it when I start making them wear it too!

 

by choadwarrior
8-28-03
My idea for the flair is to turn it into an employee incentive program.
How will three cent trinkets make your employees love their jobs and work harder?
They will have to earn the flair--it will be a big contest to see who can get the most.
So if you are a great employee you get to have ten pounds of metal dragging you down?
You really aren't very fun.
For future reference, the only flair that improves my morale is a big number followed by lots of zeroes.

 

by choadwarrior
9-01-03
Hey, be careful tonight; I just cut myself shaving.
Um, thanks, I guess, but I wasn't planning on shaving.
No...
Just not in the face tonight, mkay?

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »