All comics by christopher7murphy

Profile

 

It's bad enough that you use POOP jokes in your comic strips, but now you are using words like "Peedinkle?"
What's a "Peedinkle" anyway?
It dinkle's pee pee...of course.

 

Dude! Really now. In all seriousness, can you go one hundred strips without using a poop joke?
Okay! I'll do it! One hundred strips...in a row!
No poop references at all? No bathroom humor?
Right!
That means no fart jokes either!
Darn you!

 

One hundred comic strips without using any bathroom humor!
I can do it.
No poop jokes, no fart jokes, and no urination jokes.
There are many other forms of comic gag writing. I could do political comics, for example.
Now, now...NO POOP JOKES...remember!
Har, har!

 

I...I...Don't know if I can do it!
I have commited myself! No poop jokes for one hundred strips! How will I do it?
Now, now. It's not like you have to suddenly start being funny.
Har, har.

 

I hope this car doesn't smell funny.
Don't all clown cars smell "funny?"
Mime cars don't.
Rodeo Clown cars do. Hope there's room for my horse.
Welcome to "Carz-R-Us" Rental
We would like to rent a compact, please.

 

I need to write a report on dinosaurs.
Great. We have quite a few books on dinosaurs in stock.
I've seen those. None of them have photos. I need to see actuall nature shots...not drawings.
Sir? There were no humans around during the time of the dinosaurs.
Were they scared of being eaten'?

 

Mam, which book is better? "HAM, THE HAPPY MEAT" or "EAT HAM, DIE HAPPY?"
I'm sorry sir, I am a vegetarian. I really couldn't tell you which one is best. I can tell you which one sells better though!
Are you too stupid to know your product, huh? Geez lady, I'm the customer!
I'm sorry, sir. My bad. "EAT HAM, DIE HAPPY" is the better of the two.
Oh, yea? Why is that?
It costs more.

 

Hey, Officer Claus! I just want to thank you for keeping Veteran's Day safe.
You're the best thing to come along since chipped beef and a twenty mile hike in the rain!
-snif- You really know how to touch a guy.

 

Mickey, your pranks are getting tiresome. You dumped GLUE into all of my undershorts! I've been wearing the same pair for a week now!
Geez, you don't sound very grateful about it either.
GRATEFUL!? What should I say?
"Thanks for the GUMBALL, Mickey!"

 

I'll have a BLUE Christmas without youuuu.
I'll be so BLUE thinkin' about youuuuu.
Decorations of red on a GREEN Christmas tree... Won't mean a thing if you're not here with me.
Hey, this wasn't a duet.
Here's your crayons back.

 

I see that you were challenged to create one hundred comic strips WITHOUT using bathroom humor. How's it coming?
It's early still, and it's hard...I've been tempted...SO tempted.
You know, we've been taking bets on how long you'll last. I have fifty bucks says I can tempt you into cracking.
I'll take some of that. Mark me down for fifty dollars!
Sure, let me write it in the book..say can I borrow a pencil? A NUMBER TWO pencil?
Darn you!

 

What's wrong, Honey?
I'm finding it very difficult NOT using bathroom humor in my comic strips.
Cheer up! You only promised not to use "bathroom humor." You still have topics like "Sex." And with just a couple exceptions, most body parts are still up for grabs!
Hey...THAT'S Right! Honey, your so smart! Be right back!
And BOOGERS! You still have BOOGERS!

 

Hello? I'm calling from the Book Store to let Mrs. Gerri Jones know that the book she requested has arriv...
EXCUSE ME! The name is pronounced with a hard "G" NOT with the "J" sound!
My appologies mam, I just.....
There is NOBODY by that name at this number! Good DAY! -click-
Three months later.
I am Mrs. Gerri Jones. I was told the book I ordered, would be in three months ago. I WAS NEVER NOTIFIED!
Awww..."Gee!"

 

What do you think you are doing?
My wife told me that there was a moldy potato that looked just like Elvis in the trash. When I looked over the trash can, she whacked me on the head and pushed me in.
Why don't you get out?
Well...I know I'm safe here until trash day on Thursday, but I can swear I hear "Love Me Tender" coming from the roof.

 

Hey, what did your little boy send to you at work?
"Dear Dad, I know you are real bizzy at the lab, cloning stuff 'n things. I am sending you a box of DNA so you can clone me a little brother. Love Billy"
And this note was in a shoe box full of used kleenex.
Heheh! That little "Booger!"

 

UNCLE HENRY! UNCLE HENRY! I'm back! I've missed you
Dorothy? Where have you been?
The tornado lifted me in the house. It landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. I went to the Land of Oz...but I FINALLY made it home!
Um..you didn't happen to remember to bring the house back with you, did ya?

 

Hey lady! I'm a cartoon mouse, aren't you going to scream, "EEEK!?"
Heck, no. I'm not some cliche house wife scared of little grey mice.
Oh, I'm not just a little grey mouse...I work for the cable company, and I'm here to let you know we are raising our rates again.
EEEEEK!!

 

I think I need new furniture.
Some of my old stuff seems to be drooping and getting all sticky.
I think that may be partially my fault. I've been prescribing you a "Stool Softener."

 

Fourteen Strips without a poop joke.
DARN, DARN, DARN!
Har, Har! You forgot, didn't ya?
Using the term "stool softener" counts as a poop joke...doesn't it?
Yep. Fraid so.
I just forgot. That last one just eeked out.
It's the silent but deadly ones that always sneak up on ya.

 

It's a shame I couldn't go one hundred comic strips without using a poop joke.
Yes, too bad.
I mean..I just forgot and ruined it by having Dr. Roget use "Stool Softener."
At least you were home when it happened...
Whenever I use "Stool Softener," it kicks in when I'm waiting in line at the bank.

 

Hiya Aquaman. How are those dancing lessons coming along?
Fantastic. My teacher says I'm the best student he ever had.
I would think it would be very difficult to dance UNDER WATER.
Actually....
....the secret is to use TAP water!

 

I'm looking for a dictionary for a friend of mine. I want to give it to him for Christmas.
Great. We have quite a selection. What kind would your friend like to have?
The one I'm looking for is called The Merriam Websters Anal Retentive Dictionary.
um....I'm not familiar with that one.
It's a special dictionary that not only tells you the correct spelling of a word, it mocks you because you did not know how to spell it in the first place.
Oh...I have friends like that too.

 

Today, the new phone book was left on my door stop.
-snicker- I can't help but think of that classic Steve Martin quote.
Oh, you mean, "THE NEW PHONE BOOK'S HERE! THE NEW PHONE BOOK'S HERE!" and "Now I'm somebody!"
-snort- Yep, those are good ones, but no.
I'm remembering what he told me in court, "If you EVER call me again, I'll take you out to an airfield and drive a luggage cart up your nose!"

 

In the Ciy of Fish, DEATH strikes the streets! It's our job to process the crime scene.
Tragic, Sir! The victim was apparently overfed.
Makes me sick son! A tragic waste!
Was it murder or accidental?
Niether..it was suicide.
SUICIDE? How can you tell?
He ordered the Tuna.

 

President Lincoln? It's a great honor to have you at my resteraunt!
Thank you young man. Me and Mary wanted a bite to eat before the play tonight.
That is fantastic! Would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?
Oh..anywhere is fine...as long as it's not a BOOTH.

 

PRESIDENT LINCOLN! Did you just make a pass at my wife?
"I can not tell a lie. I DID make a pass at your wife."
"Can not tell a lie?" I thought that was what President Washington was famous for saying?
Oh...then in that case, HE made a pass at your wife!

 

We have processed three hundred crime scenes just like this one.
We have used over five pounds of chalk and fifty rolls of crime tape.
Yep, it's definite. We are dealing with a serial killer!
Well....it wont be a problem tomorrow.
Why is that? Do you have a lead?
Nope, we are out of chalk and crime tape.

 

Hey! Someone just declared it "Naked Comic Strip" Day!
Do I have to take off my clothes?
No...WE don't have to be naked...Strip Creators have to take thier clothes off when they write comics.
Is it some sort of competition?
I don't think so. What would they be judged on?
Punctuation?

 

What are you doing, Smithers?
Look Chief! I found this kitty in a tree!
You can't go around picking cats from trees...especially now.
But why, Chief?
They're not ripe yet.

 

I'm looking for the man who fought seventy warriors for twelve straight days!
Yeth....
I'm looking for the mighty viking who was beat half to death by the trolls of Ice Mountain.
Yeth.....
The man who gripped his thighs around the scaley back of the fire dragon on Skull Island. Are you this man?
Yeth. I am mighty THOR!

 

-hello- I recently purchased your latest spell book...and well...I was watching TV as I was chanting a spell, and....
Oh no! You must NOT practice spells with the television turned on. It is a distraction
TELL me about it! As I cast the spell, my channel changer flew from my hand and out the window!
Do not fret. When it rains tonight, your controller will fall back to you.
Is it suppose to rain tonight?
There is a REMOTE possibility.

 

Wait a minute, that man? He's been acting VERY suspicious ever since we got up here. Mmmmm.
I bet he's a crook! Lets see..I still have my ring, my purse, my ticket.....
GULP! The PLANE! IT'S GONE!
Heheh I am GOOD!

 

WHAT THE DEVIL! WHAT KIND OF OPENING INCISION WAS THAT!!???
FOOOORE!!

 

Rough Operation?
First I had sex with the patient, then I amputated her leg, and for some reason...I broke out in cold sores.
by christopher7murphy, 11-18-06

 

Ya know, I can plainly see your nuts!
I assure you, little squirrel- I am as sane as you are.
NO! I can SEE your NUTS!
You mean, because my costume is kind of restricting?
NO! I can SEE your NUTS. There's a bag of nuts right over there on the dresser!

 

Hey lady! Do you have a copy of "Preston's Guide to Showdogs" yet?
I...umm...hey, I remember you. I offered to order that book for you three weeks ago, but you declined.
But I still want the book!
Then why didn't you let me order it for you?
I wanted to punish you.
And I lost soooo much sleep over you too. -sheesh-

 

So, are you going to order me a copy of "Preston's Guide to Showdogs," or do I have to go elsewhere?
I would be glad to get a copy for you. We will hold it back for you AND call you when it arrives.
Finally! You're beginning to treat me like a customer!
-sigh- thank you , sir.
mmm..Maybe I should have told her I am moving tomorrow and I'm having my phone disconnected.

 

hello- Mr. Johns, your copy of "Preston's Guide to Showdogs" has arrived at the book store.
ALREADY?? I was told it was going to take a week to ten days to arrive! It's only been three days!
"A week to ten days," is usually how long it does take, sir. This one just happen to come quicker.
Do you mean to say it COULD have taken LONGER than ten days?
Yes, sir.
Can't you guys do ANYTHING right?

 

FINALLY! I finally got my copy of "Preston's Guide to Showdogs."
I wish I could have gotten your name and number the first time you asked for it.
We would have had it for you three weeks ago.
...are you flirting with me?
Someone shoot me! Arrrrrg!

 

All I can say is, you have A LOT to learn about customer service!
Imagine! Not having the title I want! THEN not getting the book until AFTER I ordered it! But finally..it's here! You did something right!
You're welcome sir.
The next day:
I have to return my copy of "Preston's Guide to Showdogs." My brother gave me a duplicate for my birthday this morning.
Happy Birthday, Dog boy!

 

Guess who?
Sally! Long time no hear! How are the kids? Where are you?
REALLY! Do I SOUND like a Sally?
Oh...I beg your pardon. I really thought you were my sister.
So, go on! Guess who?
um...Mom?

 

Wow. I never slept with a shark before.
AHhhhhh!
Calm down! We were both a little drunk last night.
OMYGAWDOMYGAWD!
I must have really been HAMMERED!

 

Do you know what you get if you cross a garden snail with a little packet of Taco Sauce?
A Hard SHELL taco? A SLOW burning enchilada? A "garden variety" quesadia? The fastest clerk at Taco Bell?
It's not a joke...
...just a real bad taste in your mouth.

 

Snails do not cause gastritis!
I know! The nerve of people thinking we taste bad!
With proper preparation, a snail can be a tasty and nutricious little morsel.
A little garlic, a little butter, a little wine.
Say..you wanna blow this strip and go to my place?
Race ya!

 

So, your name really is Ned E. Butthole?
Yep. It's European.
I suppose you pronounce it "Boot-ollie?"
Nope...pronounced just the way it's spelled.
That really is unfortunate.
My nickname is "Big Red."

 

Hey look! My favorite TV shows are on tonight. "Rescue Me."
"Nip Tuck"
Oh wait...this is the news.
TONIGHT on FOX: ARRRG! Corn Hole!

 

State your name.
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Beyond Tomorrow.
You are the Ghost of Christmas Future?
No! Beyond Tomorrow! I'm the little known spirit that was cut out of the novel!
And being cut from the novel..and consequently the movies...that bothered you?
It hurt like the DICKENS!

 

What you don't see in that little castle in the aquarium.
So, are you doing anything for Thanksgiving?
Well, the family is swimming in for the weekend.
Planning on a big feast?
Sure am! But I hope I don't eat too much again.
If you're not careful, they bring out the net.
And after every Thanksgiving, I always start to feel a little FLUSHED.

 

Excuse me, my oven seems to be acting up. Could I...
Do you need to borrow mine?
Um..no. Every month about this time, my oven heats up then just goes wacko!
Heh heh, sounds like your oven has PMS. -snicker-
EXACTLY!! So, could I borrow some...
Oven pads?

 

Mam? You had a copy of "Planter's Crown of Lemons," but now it's gone.
I'll be glad to order another copy for you.
It was sitting on the shelf every day for the past four weeks! Now it's gone!
We must have sold it to another customer. You should have had us hold the copy for you until a time when you were ready to make the purchase.
Why would I do that? I was ALMOST done reading it!

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »