All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
1-22-02
If your wife...
...has hairy gams...
...and she's got legs...
...the size of hams...
Bertha Shave!
..and she needs a shower, too!

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-02
At last! My army of torsoless clones is ready to take over the world! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-02
If you are boring...
...when you talk...
...use synonymns!
People will gawk!
Myanmar Epilator!
What he said!

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-02
My, you're a strapping hunk of a man!
Brains...
Hmmm, the strong silent type, eh?
Must... eat.. brains...
Saaaay, you're not a brain-eating zombie, are you?
BRAINS!!!

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-02
You are under my hypnotic power! You will do whatever I say!
I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY!
I am your master! You will obey me!
I WILL OBEY YOU, MY MASTER!
Suck Wirthling!
WIRTHLING SUCKS!

 

by fuzzyman
1-22-02
My Autobiography: By Tobor
I pressed against her... cold metal against her hot flesh. "Take me now, Tobor!" she grunted, "Put it in my butt!" I could not resist! Quickly, I extended my cornholer.
TOBOR FIGURES THAT HE'D JUST SKIP TO THE GOOD PART.

 

by fuzzyman
1-24-02
So, how can you help me get a date?
Girl, you just stay in a room back at my hotel. I'll send you men who will make sweet love to you! Say, twenty or thirty men a day!
Wow! What's the catch?
Well, you have to fuck them even if they are old, ugly, or disgusting. BUT, I pay you a little money for every man you do!
I get paid for having sex with men? Isn't that illegal?
Naw, you even get a bonus for sodomy! And if there's one thing we need in a post-apocolyptic world, it's more sodomy!

 

by fuzzyman
1-25-02
Princess! Quickly, help me destroy these clones!
WE ARE NOT CLONES. I AM ALEC BALDWIN.
I AM STEPHEN BALDWIN.
I AM BILLY BALDWIN.
Worse than clones! Quickly! Kill them now, before they breed!

 

by fuzzyman
1-25-02
TOBOR HAS DECIDED TO CONVERT TO ISLAM!
Goodness! Why, Tobor?
TOBOR WANTS TO DECLARE FATWAH ON YOUR ASS!!!
Okay.

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-02
It's a clone! Davey Jones from the Monkees!
I'm a Paul McCartney clone, and a daydream believer, to boot!
It's a clone! Britney Spears!
It's sad but true. I'm a clone of every manufactured pop star before me. Except for my breasts. Those are true originals!
Well, hellooo, Dolly!
Baaaaa.

 

by fuzzyman
2-01-02
Do you want to date outside your species? Call Spankling's Interspecies Dating Service! We'll fix you up fast!
Thanks, Spanking! I am totally satisfied!
We can also arrange interspecies dates for your pets.
Spanks, that threesome with you and Kaufman's cat was awesome!
Warning: I have dibs on everything.
Are you ready yet? I've got a lemur that wants to give me a rim job after I'm done with you.

 

by fuzzyman
2-01-02
Are you looking for a solution to all the problems in your life?
Hey, Jesus...
Do want fresher breath and whiter teeth? Maybe a new car?
I think the Bible is just a bunch of silly stories that aren't true. You look really bad in that skirt... and you smell stinky!
Why not try Atheism? Hmmm? Well, why not?
Stop.. please... you're making me cry!!! Waaaaa!!!
Warning: Atheism may not be suitable for stupid people!

 

by fuzzyman
2-01-02
Are looking for a way to bring your family closer together? Looking for a way to pass the time?
Hey, Bro.
Hey, Sis.
Have you considered Incest? It's convenient and it just feels plain good! Try some today!
Wanna do it?
Okay.
Warning: This message brought to you by the Western Kentucky Department of Inbreeding Research.
Wait... Did y'all bring protection?
Sure did! I gots mah hound dog tied to the tree over yonder!

 

by fuzzyman
2-02-02
True love: When it finds you, you've got grab it and hold on tight!
Bob... I love these special times, holding hands with you. I want them to last forever. Will you marry me?
Yes, Phil! Oh, YES!
It doesn't matter how many times love finds you. Every chance is precious.
Steve... I love you. Will you marry me?
Yes, Phil! I love you! And Mr. Fluffy says "yes," too!
Warning: Wherever you live, this is probably illegal.
Polygamy: It's not just for heterosexuals anymore.
You're right, Phil! Make me yours!

 

by fuzzyman
2-03-02
You love your pet.
Hi, Honey, I'm home! How's our little Snookums?
She's just great! She just finished eating.
She deserves the best.
Did you feed her that new Purina Chunky Haggis?
I certainly did! She ate it all up, too!
Warning: May induce vomiting.
And puked it all up, too. Who's cleaning this up?
Just put it back in the resealable can. We can feed it to her again tomorrow and she won't know the difference!

 

by fuzzyman
2-04-02
A taxi! That's the most brilliant idea that anyone has ever thought of! We'll rob a taxi driver! They carry gazillions of dollars in tips! What do you think, Colonel Perjury?
I think you're the sanest man I know.
Right! No, wait! I've got a better idea! Forget robbing the bank! We're incredibly handome men! Let's woo rich widows and bilk them out of their fortunes!
That idea has the possibility of perhaps maybe being fine, and even good!
Later...
I can't believe it's not... bigger.
Bigger? If it were any bigger it would punch a hole right through the fabric of the Universe!

 

by fuzzyman
2-11-02
It was nice of you to cook dinner, Tobor.
NO PROBLEM, GABE! TOBOR SHOULD DO HIS SHARE AROUND THE HOUSE!
Hey, what's this...?
*snicker*
Penis-shaped Pasta???!!!
WITH TOBOR'S SPECIAL CREAM SAUCE!

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Clyde? You were supposed to say, "Ha, ha!"
Clyde?
Eh? What the fuck are you saying, sonny? Ah, dang! My hearing aid done busted again!

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
Goddamn neckties... can never get these things right!
Mr. President? It's almost time for your State of The Union address...
Right, right... I'll be out in a second. So, Gabe, my loyal VP... what's the plan again?
Same as it's been every year since 2017, sir. You come out, say a few words, and basicly frighten the country into submission.
Do you think I still have the touch?
I wouldn't worry, President Wirthling.

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
2002
2012
2022: KPP is still encased in carbonite.

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
Cthulhu? Is that you? I haven't seen you in years! What have you been doing with yourself since our Stripcreator days?
Oh, I've kept busy. Been doing guest appearances in "Sluggy Freelance" and "User Friendly." That sort of thing. How about you, buddy boy?
I've got a recurring role as Sluggo's concience in "Nancy." Sometimes I'll put on a dog suit and play Barfy in "Family Circus." It keeps the wife and demons in food and diapers.
Man, things just aren't the same since they shut down good ol' Stripcreator... right after Fuck won Comic Cup XXXV, if memory serves me right.
Yeah, well, you don't want to know how long it took for me to thaw out Hell, afterwards.
I can imagine.

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
DEAR SPANKLING: My mother-in-law to be wants to come along on the Honeymoon with my fiance and I. She keeps pushing the idea of making it a family trip.
My fiance told her the honeymoon is going to be just for us. He tried to tell her we all could go someplace together another time, but she got upset. Please help! -- BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: What's your problem? Not too keen on a threesome? Come on! Just because she's old doesn't mean she's dead!
And if she *is* dead, hey, that's cool, too!

 

by fuzzyman
2-18-02
DEAR SPANKLING: I am 15 years old. My family keeps telling me I am gaunt and too thin. I think I am fat -- way fat. From my point of view, I have an enormous stomach and big legs.
My parents say that I'm too thin. Doctors tell me to eat more. People tell me I am underweight. Here's my picture. What do you think? -- FATTY IN FRESNO
DEAR FATTY: Thank you for the lovely picture. However, it's very hard to evaluate your condition while you are clothed.
Please send some naked pictures of yourself to me at this address. I've enclosed a list of poses that will help me come to a conclusion.

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
Good morning, Tobor!
*GROAN* DAMMIT, GABE, WHERE'S TOBOR'S COFFEE? TOBOR NEEDS HIS COFFEE!
My! Aren't you in a mood today! What's the matter?
DON'T KNOW. TOBOR FEELS CRANKY. IRRITABLE. BLOATED.
And this is different from normal... how?
THAT'S IT GABE! NO LUBE FOR YOU TONIGHT!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
Tobor, if you feel that ill, maybe you should go see a doctor.
*SIGH* MAYBE...
I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?
THE USUAL. OILIVE OIL. TEN STICKS OF BUTTER. STERNO. OH... AND SOME BACON-FLAVORED ICE CREAM!
Bacon... flavored... ice cream?
...AND SOME PICKLE CHIPS TO GO ON TOP! MMMM!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
So, Tobor! What's your problem?
WELL, DOCTOR, TOBOR IS FEELING OUT OF SORTS. LISTLESS. IRRITABLE. JUST... BLAH.
"Blah," eh? Well, either there's a parity error in your primary motivator, or you're pregnant! Ha, ha! Let's see what a diagnostic says.
PREGNANT! THAT'S FUNNY! HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET A NEW MOTIVATOR INSTALLED?
Hmmm! Just as I suspected. You ARE pregnant! Congratulations!
BUT TOBOR IS A *BOY* ROBOT!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
TOBOR DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. HE'S A BOY ROBOT. HOW CAN HE BE PREGNANT?
Though you have certain male *ahem* features, by definition robots are asexual. Now, think hard Tobor. Do you know who the father is? A toaster, maybe?
TOBOR DOESN'T KNOW...
Think, Tobor! Are there any electronc devices that you've interfaced with recently?
TOBOR DID SPEND A DAY LAST WEEK PLAYING HALO ON GABE'S X-BOX.
Ah-ha!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
HEY, GABE. THE DOCTOR JUST TOLD TOBOR THAT HE IS PREGNANT.
Heh... Pregnant. Yeah, right! So what's really the problem?
GABE...
Tobor...?
WILL YOU BE TOBOR'S LAMAZE PARTNER?
PHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
WHERE IS OUR LAMAZE INSTRUCTOR? CLASS WAS SUPPOSED TO START THREE MINUTES AGO!
Not everybody has a built-in chronometer, Tobor. Be patient.
TOBOR HAS A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
So our instructor is a little late. It can't be THAT bad.
Howdy, cowpokes! Sorry I'm late! My rotor turbines weren't generating gravitons, and I had to take the bus!
Okay, it CAN be that bad.

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
"Okay, cowpokes! Let's start with come simple breathing exercises!"
Ready Tobor?
ALL SET.
Breathe in... Breathe out... Breath in... Breath out... Breathe in...
*HUFF* *HUFF* HUFF* *HUFF*
Is there a problem? You, in the blue... why isn't your wife breathing?
Tobor?
WELL, TO START, TOBOR DOESN'T HAVE LUNGS...

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
Okay, cowpokes, keep breathing and I'll tell you about the mystery of childbirth! It's a beautiful and wondrous thing! I'm sure you will agree! Here we go...
*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
Now picture this. You're out on the plains, see? You and your trusty mule, Lulubell. And she's about to give birth. She lays down and starts moanin' and groanin' and squirmin'!
*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
And all hell breaks loose! The head pops out, and there's blood, and gravitons, and rotor turbines flyin' everywhere! And the baby makes this sound like, "RRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I'm out of here.
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-02
DEAR KPP -- I'm a pretty normal guy. I'd like to take ladies out on dates. The problem is, I have no cash. The problem is, I'm horny as hell!
I don't have the money to take a girl out for a drink, let alone hire a hoker. I'm desperate enough to try anything! Help! -- GLASGOW GUY
DEAR GUY -- If you're that desperate, then here is the phone number for Andy's maw.
Just make sure she tips you after she's had her way with you!

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
HEY, DRAGONXERO. NICE OF YOU TO COME.
I wouldn't miss your baby shower for the world! Here's a little something for the baby-to-be.
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE...
My pleasure. Here you go. They say that playing music for your unborn child stimulates brain development.
"SLASHCORE GRINDMETAL HITS FOR YOUR FETUS."
My favorite is the third track!

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
SPANKLING! ENJOYING THE PARTY?
It's tops, Tobor! Here's your shower gift.
THANK YOU! HMMM... FEELS HEAVY.
Go ahead and open it. The baby will love it!
"BABY'S FIRST NIPPLE CLAMPS." AWWWW...
If the baby doesn't turn out to have nipples, I have the receipt.

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
KAUFMAN... HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
Just fine... here's your shower gift!
THANK YOU.... IT'S... KETCHUP? TOOR DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
You know! *wink*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Wait, don't ass-raping robots eat their young? I'll be... uh.. going now.

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
So, Tobor! Looking forward to being a parent?
IT'S SCARY. MY CHILD WILL LOOK TO TOBOR FOR GUIDANCE. TOBOR HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY.
Well, if it's any help, you can always tell your baby the same thing I tell mine.
"I DO NOT SUCK DICK?"
No, I say, "Stay away from Tobor."
GOOD ADVICE.

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
DOCTOR, TOBOR HAS PAINS...
Let me see! Goodness! You're in labor!
BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS!!
Would you rather this went on for nine months, like in humans?
RIGHT, LET DROP THIS SUCKA!
Nurse, bring me some giant forceps and a static mat!

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
Keep pushing, Tobor! We're almost there!
*HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF* *HUFF*
There we go... here it comes... I can see the head! Push! Push NOW!
*GRRRUNNNTTT*
SCREEEEEEEEE!!
"SCREEEEEEEEE?"

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-02
Well, Tobor! You're the proud mother of a...
SCREEEEEEEEEE!!!
Of a...
SCREEEEEEEEEE!!!
Will somebody catch that thing?
SCREEEEEEEEEE!!!

 

by fuzzyman
2-22-02
Okay, tell us what happened in your own words.
I picked up my pet forella from the chelloveck who cheests it. He was lubbilubbing it with his ooko! I wasn’t giving deng for that! Then I made him mounch my toofles.
Let’s try this again without “your own words.”
Did I say "toofles?" I meant "yarbles."

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-02
SO, TOBOR, WHERE'S THE BABY?
HE'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
What the hell? OW!!!
My God! It was like someone shoved a pencil in my ass about 20,000 times!
HE'S A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK, ISN'T HE?

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-02
8:00AM
MAMA!
CHIP SAID HIS FIRST WORD! TOBOR IS SO PROUD!
1:00PM
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! I HATE YOU *ALL*!
JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF, "IT'S JUST THE HORMONES."
7:00PM
CAN I BORROW THE CAR? ME AND PEGGY SUE ARE GOING DRIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
THEY GROW SO FAST...

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-02
LEAVING? WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?
IT'S DULLSVILLE HERE, MOM! I, LIKE, GOTTA BE FREE!
BUT... YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE LESS THAN A DAY!
...AND I'M SUFFOCATING!
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND SOME TIME WITH UNCLE SPANKLING.
I'll SEND YOU A POSTCARD, LIKE, WHENEVER.

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-02
So, Chip left? That was fast. Well, look at the bright side. At least the breast-feeding phase only lasted about two minutes.
TRUE. STILL, WITH CHIP GONE, TOBOR FEELS LIKE THERE IS THIS GAP IN HIS LIFE THAT NEEDS TO BE FILLED.
Gap? Filled? Ummm... I'll be going now.
NOT SO FAST.

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-02
It's okay...
I see a floating head. I must need eyeglasses.
Everything is under control...
Man, the visions are getting stranger and stranger. That's it, I'm checking into rehab.
I'm here to help!
Aiieeee!!!! It's disgusting! Get it away from me!!!

 

by fuzzyman
2-25-02
Luke... *I* am your father!
No! It can't be true! That's impossible!
You're right.. it's not true. I'll introduce you to your real father.
The Force be praised! I can't wait!
Hiya, son! Meesa Jar-Jar Binks! You and me gonna do lots of Force things, yah!
Nooooooo!!!!! Darth! Daddy! Come back!

 

by fuzzyman
2-26-02
Ernie, I've got bad news... Uncle Charlie is dead.
Noooo!!!
Now, I need some help to take care of my three sons, so I've invited another "Uncle" to come live with us.
We have another uncle?
Say hello to Uncle Spankling!
Uncle Spankling will show you why I haven't re-married during the past twelve seasons.

 

by fuzzyman
2-27-02
Luke... I have good news and bad news. The good news is... *I* am your father!
Okay, my father is the evil servant of the Dark Side of the Force. I can live with that. What's the bad news?
Andy's maw is your mother!
Noooooooo!!!!
Later...
Luke, forget about rescuing Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt! This is your chance you bang that Leia chick!
Okay, Andy.

 

by fuzzyman
3-06-02
Welcome to Fuzzyman's 300th comic! To celebrate, we'd like to show you never-before-seen panels that were cut from his greatest works!
Let's go to the video tape!
Cowboy Preparations
So I says, "Them hemmorhoids ain't gonna stop swelling on their own!"
Ha, ha!
Yeah, that was worth getting to 300 for.
Ass jokes! How original!

 

by fuzzyman
3-07-02
Welcome back to our celebration of Fuzzyman's 300th comic, where we show scenese deleted from his greatest works!
Here is one from his biography of Tobor's early years, growing up on the farm in Arkansas.
Young Tobor
SAY, PAW... WHERE SHOULD TOBOR PUT ALL THESE EARS OF CORN?
Just shove 'em into the silo through the Corn Hole, son!
Ah, cerebral drama!
The hallmark of quality comics. Ask for it by name!

Showing page 6.

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