All comics by russman

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by russman
1-28-10
I've seen you in here a lot. There's something I've been wanting to ask you.
What is it?
You bring a lot of different hot girls here, are they prostitutes or what?
Why, am I not good looking enough to have hot friends or do the girls act like whores?
Yes.
Fair point.

 

by russman
1-29-10
And then he asked if you were a prostitute.
Oh.
I mean, that's like insulting both of us at the same time.
I think it hurts me more than you.
Yeah I guess being called a whore is worse.
No what's worse is deciding whether to keep letting him think I'm a whore or admitting that I choose to go out with you without getting paid.

 

by russman
1-30-10
Memo regarding bring your child to work day.
This is not what I expected, Dad.
It's not as bad as it looks, Son.
In the future all employess designated as...tall.
I think the man gave you this office because you are black.
I've heard there's a white guy that has a worse office than this.
Will not be permitted to participate.
Show it to me.
I can't. I'm not allowed in that part of the building because I'm...too tall.

 

by russman
1-31-10
So, if I'm such an embarrassment why do you hang out with me.
You're like a gay, big brother,not jealous,willing to spend money, and you give sexually without expecting anything in return.
So I'm a combination gay, sugar daddy, vibrator.
Yep, plus I'm better than you at pool.
No wonder I'm so popular with the ladies.
That's it. Just remember we all love are vibrators but we don't take out with them in public.

 

by russman
2-01-10
Mr. Allen. That guy that played your neighbor and the kid who played your son are here to see you again.
It's not the middle-son, the one with the small amount of actual acting ability is it.
No, it's the youngest one, Sir. Ok, give them both a twenty and couple of movie passes and tell them I'm not here.

 

by russman
2-02-10
Just keep walking, Big Guy. I'm placing you under arrest by authority of the post office.
I wasn't hurting anybody.
I rearranged my whole route to be here at 12:00. Per the invitation scrawled upon the bathroom stall.
I was just writing stuff on the walls. I didn't think anybody took them seriously.
It's a federal offense to promise a good time and then fail to deliver on that promise.
Judging by the stuff you're carrying in that sack, I don't believe you intended for both of us to have a good time.

 

by russman
2-03-10
I wonder what it was like when they were boarding Noah's Ark.
Were the lions like please let us bring our baby. And Noah says no, the Lord says only two of each of you.
And the cows say what about us. And Noah says sure bring as many as you want. I bet the cows thought they were real special, at least until dinner time that first night.
Yeah. Remember when the girls get here, I do the talking.

 

by russman
2-04-10
C'mon, I'm sorry.
No, if you won't accept me the way I am. I don't want to play.
All I said was your spikes were a little sharp.
If you don't like the spikes maybe I should be the one in front.
Fine by me. Bend over. The horns will hurt less going in then coming out.
I guess I could rinse out the gel.

 

by russman
2-05-10
When I bring a new girl back to my place. The first thing they notice is that I have two cats.
Then I notice them looking around at how neat the my place is. I can tell they are thinking that I might be gay.
To counteract this I always leave a wet towel laying on the bathoom floor and a little pee around the toilet.

 

by russman
2-07-10
Hey, kid. Do you want to play some ball.
No. I'm waiting on somebody.
Who? Your Mommy?
No, yours.
I'll beat the hell out of you.
If I'd known you could do that I coulda saved the $20 I gave your mom.

 

by russman
2-07-10
That was a pretty good game.
If Peyton hadn't thrown that interception it might have been different.
It would have been great to get some overtime.
You mean since we paid for all we could drink until the game was over.
There's more to life than getting drunk. I just enjoy a good game.
That's a good one. Let's see if they consider the post-game still part of the game

 

by russman
2-08-10
What are you doing here?
This is my happy place. I come here to think and unwind. What are you doing here?
I come here when I'm having sex and I'm just getting ready to finish.
I don't want to see that. Can't you go back to your partner?
What partner? I said I was having sex not playing tennis.

 

by russman
2-09-10
What are you doing here?
Same as you.
I'm sick of these weirdos.
Tell me about it. I hope that saddles not for me.
Nope, it's for the horse.
I've got a bad feeling about this.

 

by russman
2-10-10
That was fun. It was a pleasure doing business with you.
You know I'm not one of your whores.
I was just kidding.
Very funny. Give me your credit card I've got to pick up some stuff at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
You know with the whores at least I get a flat rate.
I know what you're thinking. That's gonna cost you a mani-pedi. I'll meet you at Outback at seven. Get us a good table, I'm sure I'll be running late.

 

by russman
2-11-10
Star Date 3615. The Red Shirt stayed behind while the rest of landing party went in search of certain danger.
I can't believe I finally got picked for a landing party. Maybe the Captain does know who I am.
He heard a slithering sound coming from all around him. He readied his phasor, he would not go down without a fight.
Show yourself. You're messing with the wrong guy. I'm going to be an important part of this episode.
And then he is gone. Kirk vows justice. Then meets the hot alien chick, Red Shirt is forgotten.
I know it's just a Red Shirt part. But take the gig Paul. This is fan fiction anything could happen.

 

by russman
3-04-10
Well Russ, now that you're a famous writer. The standard question we all want to know, is what are some of the other jobs you've had?
Well Oprah, I've had a lot of jobs but the best job I ever had was also the shortest one.
What was it and how long did it last.
It was at a Day Spa and It only lasted ten minutes.
What happened?
Apparently, there is more than one way to give a facial.

 

by russman
4-27-10
A wise man once told me.
Strippers are fun to party with but don't let them know where you live.
I said, I know, Dad. But I wish you wouldn't bring them here. Mom's been calling for an hour.

 

by russman
6-23-10
Things have gotten better since I gave up alcohol, drugs and strippers.
Pour us another shot. I've found at least another line on the floor.
Maybe given up was too strong of a statement.
Ooh, I love this song, sit on the bed I'm gonna dance for you.

 

by russman
9-17-10
Hey, you're back
Yeah, I just got out.
So how was the sex in there.
It was only a few months I just took care of myself.
So it's the same inside or out.
Yep, and I think it would work the same way for you too.

 

by russman
10-20-10
I know I said it was through faith not works.
Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven.
But dammit some work has got to be done.
I guess accepting Christ and getting baptised when I was 12 was really all there was to it, sweet.
This is where I draw the line.
Crap.

 

by russman
11-16-10
You remember that girl I took home last night.
Yeah, she was hot.
The first thing she said when we got to my place was that she was not going to sleep with me.
That sucks man.
No, that's great. They always sleep with you after they say that.
Why didn't you tell me that before. I've probably had a hundred girls say that to me.

 

by russman
11-18-10
Angie Dickinson in Dressed to Kill
Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.
Nobody could beat George at "Name the actor and movie that secretly turned you on but shouldn't have"
Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

 

by russman
10-11-16
Want to play some truth or dare first.
Ok. Truth or dare
Truth
Tell me something about you, that nobody else knows.
It burns when i pee.
I think i forgot something in the car.

 

by russman
10-11-16
Hey Russ. I haven't seen you in months.
Years. It's been almost six years, Man
So where have you been?
Prison. Anyway, what have you been doing?
I was thinking about getting a tattoo.
Lets just drink tonight. we'll talk next time.

 

by russman
10-12-16
I've been looking for work.
Explaining a six year gap since your last job is hard. Explaining you were in prison for embezzlement even harder.
My son was kidnapped and i had to pay the kidnappers $9900 a month for 8 years to get him back.
Explain to me again what role the strippers, limousines, and cocaine played in this.

 

by russman
10-13-16
So I moved in with my mom. Just until I get my life back together.
You remember Chris from high school.
The Chubby girl with all the kids?
Every bit of my common sense told me to say thanks but no thanks but six years is a long time.
She just got divorced again. I told her you haven't had a girlfriend in years. she'd love it if you called her.
Did you tell why I haven't had a girlfriend or does she think i just went through an experimental gay phase.
And besides, how could anyone say no to fat girl sex with your mom in the next room.
Relax. I just told her you had a bad break-up. You know I think you might get lucky. I promise to stay in my room if you bring her over.
Ok. Don't worry if you here somebody crying, it'll just be me mourning the death of my pride.

 

by russman
10-14-16
So my mom fixed me up with this girl I went to high school with.
Dinner was great. I love pizza.
Thanks for taking care of the tip. Mom only gave me the coupon and a twenty.
Mom stayed in her room. So I could be alone with the beast.
I can't believe I'm in the big basketball players bedroom. I used to dream about this.
That's funny. I've had dreams like this before too.
It was the longest three minutes of my life.
Are you crying?
Tears of joy, Baby. Lets get these lights off.

 

by russman
10-15-16
So how was your date with Kim.
Yes, we had sex. Now we must never speak of it again.
You know what's cool. I did her once in school.
That is not cool or surprising.
You know what is really cool. Me and you doing the same chick. And I did her first
What happened to not speaking of it. I swear if you make me start crying again, I'm leaving.

 

by russman
10-16-16
You know this could be a great opportunity for both of us.
Hopefully for me anyway.
They are looking for more than one actor. And I doubt we are after the same part.
Your right. I'm reading for the part of the child molester.
I stand corrected.
Shit.

 

by russman
10-17-16
VH1 presents
Whatever happened to Hall & Oates
Which one am I again
It doesn't matter anymore now than it did then.

 

by russman
10-27-16
I'm tired of sitting around the house. Tonight is gonna be like the old days.
You mean we're going to get drunk. Then you're going to pick up some hot chick and leave me here with the bar tab.
Exactly. Couple changes though. I'm gonna need your car, your apartment and some cash.
Hey, I'm the one with all that stuff. Maybe I'll be the one who gets laid tonight
That's why I hang out with you. You're an eternal optimist. Anyway you can walk over and crash on Mom's couch.
Do you think she'll make cookies? There's a Murder She Wrote marathon on.

 

by russman
12-02-16
Joey kept his house decorated for the big three holidays year round.
He was tired of always having to answer the same question.
For the last time, the tree represents Christmas.

 

by russman
12-08-16
What do you want this time?
I feel that the prison sentence sort of voided the deal we made 20 years ago.
You wanted to be with beautiful woman who were half your age. You had that for 10 years.
Yeah, but I agreed to my soul not years in prison.
Stupid humans. Why don't you ever read the contract before signing in your own blood?
In my defense, I was high, there was an extremely hot girl rapidly losing interest. And there was an awful lot of blood.

 

by russman
12-22-16
So today I had to demonstrate my abilty to get people to upgrade their cable service.
God, that lady was mean. I hate selling.
You read well. But you've got to do better at keeping them on the phone.
Just had to make a couple sales to get to keep the job.
She sounded hot. I'll be calling her back tonight.
Better, you kept her on the phone. But you've got to stay on script. It almost sounded like you were flirting with her.
To celebrate my new employment I may order something not on the dollar menu tonight.
Thanks Mom. Note to self, remember to cancel her HBO after the three month trial period.
Perfect. You had that lady eating right out of your hand.

 

by russman
12-26-16
I used to make fun of people that liked listening to Wham.
Then when he was busted doing that gay stuff, I really made a lot of stupid jokes about him.
Now he's dead and it doesn't seem so funny any more.

 

by russman
12-28-16
I'm not one of those guys whoe gets all sad every time a celebrity dies.
I've looked at the twitter responses.
And I 'm not a big Star Wars geek.
Read the whole Wikipedia entry.
But Carrie Fisher seemed like one of the good ones.
I've paid my respects, time to search for the naked pictures.

 

by russman
1-01-17
I really appreciate you wearing the outfit.
Hey, it's your time. I'll do whatever you want.
That was incredible. Do you wanna hang out for awhile.
I'd love to. But you only paid for the hour.
By my calculations I've still got about 45 minutes left.
Actually about 58. I didn't even get the first cheer done.

 

by russman
1-02-17
So, how did the date go last night?
It wasn't really a date. Just kind of a hook-up.
I hope you used protection.
Don't worry. I was so excited, I came before I even got it in.
You are your fathers boy.
I think we are getting entirely to comfortable with each other.

 

by russman
1-03-17
I miss the days when going job hunting meant getting up early, going out for breakfast, hitting a couple places who usually told you they weren't taking applications at this time.
Then after lunch, Going to one of the old man bars and drinking until it was an acceptable time to come home.
Now it's all filling out applications on-line. I like porn as much as anyone but I miss the old men talking about the war.

 

by russman
1-04-17
So, this morning my Mom and I went out to breakfast.
My mom starts talking to the waitress and the next thing I know she's telling her about her single son who is looking to meet someone.
Mommy, I said. Is this the lady who is going to let me touch her happy place.... I don't think we will be eating there anymore.

 

by russman
1-05-17
All right. It's about time you decided to hang out again.
Sorry man. Just depressed. No job, no money. Lets go get drunk.
You gotta drive, my license is suspended again. I don't have any money either, can you spot me.
I wonder if he's coming back.

 

by russman
1-06-17
Made the mistake of watching the morning news with my Mom.
They started about Trump repealing and replacing Obama care.
All I said was there are a few good things about it.
Get out of there you black loving idiot. I should put you over my knee.

 

by russman
1-07-17
I bet you feel better now.
Sorry, must have been something I ate.
You aren't going to bite me, are you?
God no. I am curious about why you've been standing there with your dick in your hand since I walked in.
I have a shy bladder.
Perhaps standing in front of the urinal instead of the door might help.

 

by russman
1-08-17
There are a lot of things I've been wanting to ask you.
That's why I brought you here. Go ahead.
Where is here? I've never been here before.
This is one possible future for you.
You mean I could become a famous artist and they would display my work here.
Sure, I suppose so. But I thought you might notice the now hiring, janitorial position sign when we walked in.

 

by russman
1-09-17
Hey Taylor, thanks for hanging out with me. Wanna play ball.
No, Montana. There will be no ball playing today. I have something else in mind.
Not that one game again. I'm still a little sore from the last time.
Everytime we play it will hurt a little bit less.
That's what Dad always says.
You know I don't like it when you play with other guys.

 

by russman
1-10-17
Hey Johnny. We meet again.
Why do you bring your cat to a dog park?
She likes to watch the butterflies. Plus I think she likes all the attention from the dogs.
Kind of like her owner, Huh.
You're too cute. Where is your puppy?
I bring my gerbil. You know where he's at.

 

by russman
1-11-17
So, I had an interview with Dunkin Donuts yesterday with an assistant manager who looked like she was 12 years old.
Ok, what would you like to be called.
Oh, I think Daddy would be cool.
Tell me about the best boss you ever had and why you liked him or her.
The head nurse at the nursing home I worked at while I was in college. Because she gave me a blow job in the linen room.
Maybe I should have just "thought" that one too.
Thank you. We we have a few more people to interview. We will call you in a couple of days.
Just let me know when it's "Time to make the donuts".

 

by russman
1-12-17
Yesterday I took my niece to the doctor and then breakfast.
I think I became a lesbian after Sis's boyfriend raped me when I was 10.
I never liked that kid.
I think Sean committed Suicide by cop. We used to date but I hadn't talked to her much since she started transgendering to a man.
I saw that on the news.
I don't ever tell that story. But I thought she could handle it.
So tell me something bad that happened to you in prison.
Well, we didn't have to make our beds on Sunday. One time we came back in from breakfast and the C.O. started yelling at us and made us make them.

 

by russman
1-13-17
I've been watching a lot of true crime shows on TV.
I've determined that 99 percent of murder victims are people that light up a room when they walk in.
I have almost no chance of ever being murdered.

 

by russman
1-14-17
You..don't..have..to..do..this.
One of us must die.
Beem me up, Scotty.
How the hell did he do that?

Showing page 6.

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