All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
7-18-04
Chuck's Guide to Dating #2: Spoken words that are sure to kill a relationship....
Come on, Dr. Phil is an idiot and Oprah is fat....
.... and then she says "Ten bucks same as in town!" Get it?
Look if you feel it's that, like, disrespectful we can just do it NEXT to the open grave instead....

 

by Ranger77
7-19-04
I do have one question....Why is my prey, the M.O.U.S.E, on the Defenders League's orbital station and you're down here on Earth in a server room.
I mean, you're some kind of 'space hero' guy right?
You must really suck.
Please go away now.

 

by Ranger77
7-20-04
What are you looking at?
I've managed to track down a "behavioral marketing" representative.
http://www.claria.com/advertise/
Er....what?
You know, the guys that create adware and spyware to "deliver contextually relevant messages".
The guy hiding behind that bush is a "behavioral marketing" representative?
Yes. Now be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm going to deliver some contextually relevant buckshot in his direction.

 

by Ranger77
7-23-04
Sept 10, 2001
Why do we even have a CIA? Dude think about all that shit they did in the 80's. They're probably doing worse now. They are OUT of control.
All those "intelligence" agencies are just fascist tools to spread imperialism. It's that simple. Somebody needs to shut them down.
July 23, 2004
Where the hell was the CIA before Sept 11?! You heard what that commission said. They blew it.
If all those "intelligence agencies" were actually doing their job, we wouldn't have had 9/11 or this stupid war. Somebody needs to get in there and make them more effective.
That was a bit harsh.
Yeah, we probably won't post it.

 

by Ranger77
7-23-04
Captain Justice has gone too far this time. He's authorized a videogame based on us. Can you believe it?!
It's no big deal.
No big deal?! Have you seen the way videogames portray women?! High heeled amazons with make-up that amazingly stays in place after a fight....
I saw the pre-production drawings. CatLass in the game wears a bikini and has a BIG chest. Works for me.
Later at D&G Game Studios....
I swear if you make CatLass look better than me in this game I will FRY every copy of Babylon 5 you own and tell your mother about those magazines under your bed. Got it?
Got it. EnergyGrrl gets thigh high boots and a 42DD chest....

 

by Ranger77
7-24-04
Maybe I should quit being a monk. The robes, the con games, the cynicism....maybe I should settle down. Maybe start a family....
A bunch of college girls want us to teach them Tai Chi and get this....they want to do the movements nude to be more graceful. Come on!!
Then again, much can be said for staying true to one's beliefs.

 

by Ranger77
7-26-04
Marital conflict time!
Grrr....!
Come on. He's not that bad.
He's a tactless, classless, tasteless excuse for a person.
He's also one of my best friends. He's only staying for a few days.
If he starts talking about all the "tail he's tapped" since his divorce I'll scream. I swear.
If he does, I promise I'll talk about the virtues of tapping the same tail year after year.

 

by Ranger77
7-28-04
....and so in closing Orgo, welcome to the team. You've made a bold paradigm shift in your life. I'll leave you to think about that.
I'm impressed, Orgo. Not many can stomach one of Captain Justice's "mighty" lectures.
Orgo not here right now. Orgo in meditative trance to preserve sanity and prevent wanton destruction. Leave message and Orgo will get back to you.

 

by Ranger77
7-28-04
You know Stan, here at Yahoo News you will be required to look over AP and Reuters newsfeeds and determine which headlines should be placed on our portal page.
This is an honor sir!
Now keep in mind, they must be the most interesting, thought provoking and informative news stories. Resist the temptation for fluff.
Understood. I won't let you down.
Yahoo 7/27/04
Did you read Yahoo today!! Japanese researchers have discovered that women who eat more than two eggs a day could die!!
Dude that's nothing. I just read on Yahoo that they just cancelled Ryan Seacrest's talk show. Bastards....

 

by Ranger77
7-29-04
Britney doesn't like me?
My wife is a bit sensitive to things like boob size estimation, tales of sexual conquests, farting, burping....you get the idea.
Biel, I never meant to offend her. I thought she liked my outgoing personality.
Well, we can change that. Just cut back a bit on the bravado, ok?
I suppose telling her about that "art" flick I directed in college and you starred in as 'Phil McCavity' is out.
You would be correct in assuming that.

 

by Ranger77
7-30-04
Orgo...I know your secret. You haven't been honest with us. I dug into your background.
Umm....
You have a Masters Degree in Mathematics from MIT and your IQ is 185. This whole "big dumb guy" persona is just an act so that people can underestimate you.
Ok. You know. So what now, are you going to rat on me?
Hell, no. I think I love you. Do you want to go out tonight?
I would but CatLass found out about the IQ thing a couple hours ago. I'm taking her to see "A Cinderella Story" tonight. God help me.

 

by Ranger77
8-01-04
This episode: "When Friends #$%@ up!"
Biel said that you've changed and that you're more sensitive and open minded.
Yep, that's me. I'm a different man.
Well since you're his best friend I guess I can give you another chance. What have you done lately that proves you're "different."
Well, last night for example at the bar I picked up this cute fat chick and...
AARRGH!
Aw come on, I was sober....

 

by Ranger77
8-02-04
Reaper's Room. Defenders League HQ. 1700hrs. 8/2/04
Nice wallpaper you have here.
I think it adds a bit of character to the place.
So let's get back on the subject. WHY again would I need Anger Management classes?

 

by Ranger77
8-03-04
http://www.opec.org/....FAQ
No, OPEC does not control the oil market. OPEC Member Countries produce about 41% of the world's crude oil and 15 per cent of its natural gas.
However, OPEC's oil exports represent about 55% of the oil traded internationally. Therefore, OPEC can have a strong influence on the oil market, especially if it decides to reduce or increase.
OPEC seeks stability in the oil market and endeavours to deliver steady supplies of oil to consumers at fair and reasonable prices.....Hey come back here!

 

by Ranger77
8-04-04
You didn't. Just tell me you're joking and you really didn't say that. "Cute fat chick?!"
I panicked. She wanted "sensitive and open minded" and I panicked.
*sigh* You know what happens next....She's going to ask me to choose between her and you, my best friend for over 20 years.
Well, I hope you keep how long we've been friends in mind if it comes to that.
I will, but think about it: Two tits versus one boob. I don't fancy your odds.
Good point....

 

by Ranger77
8-06-04
Our fearless leader wants me to go to Anger Management classes. Can you believe it?
Actually I can. You're lucky. To calm my alleged "sociopathic tendancies" he makes me live in this silly holographic happy room.
So what do I do, CatLass? Help me out here.
Well, I have to admit, my tactics tend to be a bit extreme but ....
I heard you confronted Reaper with his "anger issues" yesterday. Do you really think therapy is a good idea?
I tried to bring the subject up again and he spit up a hairball, threw a handful litter at me and threatened to urinate in a heating duct. I think I MIGHT be pushing him too hard.

 

by Ranger77
8-07-04
The first thing you have to realize about credit reporting agencies is that we are NOT the bad guys. We simply relay the infomation we know about your financial history.
Really?
Yes. We do not make a determination of your credit worthiness. It's a shame we are depicted as evil shadowy organizations that denies credit to people..
For a good time Ask Max! (http://www.experian.com/ask_max/index.html)
But you do sell personal info to other companies for marketing purposes. You also sell the names of those with bad credit to high interest card issuers for solictation.
Did you know we have juice and cookies in the fridge? Why don't you get yourself some juice and cookies. You'll feel better.....

 

by Ranger77
8-08-04
Ok, Larry left this morning. He apologized for being so insensitive and hopes you'll one day like him as a friend. So I guess the problem is solved right?
You're not going to let me off that easy, are you?
I don't understand how anyone can spend FOUR hours in a Pier 1 store.
B, I stopped asking questions like that about many years ago.

 

by Ranger77
8-09-04
www.savemartha.com
A terrible injustice has been done to Martha Stewart.
Her only real crime was to be too successful thereby eliciting the enmity of misguided and misinformed....
There is an awful irony in the Justice Department's victory against Martha.
It is our assertion that (she) deserves a presidential pardon....
Ummm...there's a WAR going on y'know.
Yes....between those who grow their own herbs and those who buy them in a can! We NEED her now more than ever!

 

by Ranger77
8-10-04
Meanwhile at DEMONient (an E.V.I.L organization)....
So, Orgo went over to the Defender's League.
He got tired of the corporate attitude and demeanor that our organization has embraced.
I felt a bit like that as well until I got my profit sharing check.
I concurr. I mean why rob a bank, or threaten the world with destruction when you can simply acquire a few companies and raid the pension funds.
I hear the poor bastard doesn't even have his own desk.
Being GOOD does indeed SUCK, my friend.

 

by Ranger77
8-12-04
Inside Chuck's Brain: A rare glimpse into what bothers our Stage Manager in order of severity.
Hey....what's wrong, you look deep in thought.
This Iraq thing is, like, a mess.
Uh...Chuck...?
All those Sid and Marty Kroft shows were allegories to drug use....dude, that's so sweet....!
Ok....I'm just going to let you just stand there awhile. Obviously you're zoning again.
Is it me or does Paris Hilton look like a skank. And who the FUCK is Nicole Ritchie anyway.....?!

 

by Ranger77
8-13-04
Welcome to Anger Management training. It's not often we get superheroes here. I'm sure you'll do fine.
Grrr...
You see, the key discipline in this class is self control. Now, do you think you have ANY self control?
Well, I'm almost biting a hole through my tongue to keep from ripping your freakin' head off.
Well that's a good start....
Can I go now?

 

by Ranger77
8-14-04
I can't believe you're being so stubborn about this. It's accepted wisdom. You should embrace it and not foolishly fight it.
I know no such thing. If we close our minds to alternative ideas, then we are truly dead inside.
Ginger.
MaryAnn, you bastard.

 

by Ranger77
8-14-04
B does the "Ranger's World" live chat event (betcha didn't know we had one!)....
Being a penquin isn't so bad. Hot Girls like to hug me. I'm all into that. Next question? Skippy1945 you're up.
Skippy1945: So how about that bit of nastiness in Florida. Senseless.
Yeah I heard about that. I hope those idiots that killed those six people fry.
Skippy1945: All because of an Xbox. It's just another reason video games should be banned. Its senseless.
I see...I guess you'd rather see people killed over more acceptable things like religion, sex, power or money.
Skippy1945: That's the problem with you young people....you're always putting down traditional values....

 

by Ranger77
8-17-04
So, Reaper is doing well in his Anger Management classes?
Mr. Reaper is a wonderful student. The best we've ever had. He totally has his anger under control.
Oh really.
Yes. In fact, he has progressed so much that it isn't necessary that he attend the remaining six weeks of instruction. He's so wonderful. He's so great....
He threatened your life unless you got him out of your classes, didn't he?
Why....uh...no. If that was true I would think MY LIFE was IN DANGER and that I was DESPERATELY looking for SOMEONE to SAVE ME. Like, RIGHT NOW....

 

by Ranger77
8-19-04
Okay, we'll go out about thirty yards, turn, and charge at each other. It should work.
Ok, lets do it.
Minutes later....
I guess that was a bad idea.
Way to go. This was stupid.
Come on, when was the last time you DIDN'T see Monks defying gravity to perform floating ariel attacks.
I think I hurt my Hidden Dragon.

 

by Ranger77
8-21-04
More excerpts from the recent Ranger's World Live Chat.....
Yes, the nut jokes when I was a squirrel were embarrasing, but we meant well. Can't say too much about those nuts. Sn00ky69 you're next.
Sn00ky69: Why is 'Ranger's World' so embracing of imperialist doctrine?
I'm afraid you lost me, Sn00ky. But we are owned by a corporation, remember?
Sn00ky69: My point exactly. You're perpetuating typical conformist crap to the masses. It's like I said in my Anarchist meeting last week....
Umm....hold on. One, it's a comic. Two...Anarchists have meetings? ORGANIZED meetings?
Sn00ky69: It was after our golf outing, smart guy and we only played nine holes. Out of sequence I might add.

 

by Ranger77
8-22-04
"Reaper, you're really lucky we didn't get sued by that anger management guy."
He was an idiot. And I didn't care much for the cat either.
"Well you've forced me to resort to stronger measures. I've asked a specialist to come to work with you."
Whatever.
"This isn't his normal line of work, but he has a spritual interest in this matter."
Spiritual?
Yes, angry one. It is the power of belief. Captain Justice believes I can help you and I believe in the $500 per hour I'm getting paid to do it.

 

by Ranger77
8-23-04
So there's this judge in Oklahoma who had to resign because he was caught on several occasions masturbating on the bench.
Reuters - Aug 19, 2004
Er....he was also seen using a penis pump and exposed himself to a court reporter.
*heh*
Geez. Tough crowd.

 

by Ranger77
8-24-04
Hey Liz, I'm glad you're back!
It's good to be back. The therapy lasted a bit longer than expected, but it was good. Did I miss anything?
You know I'm not supposed to tell you anything about Microsoft. That's what pushed you over the edge last time.
Old news, my friend. I USED to work for Gates, but I'm finally free of their influence. Really. Now tell me what's been going on....
SP2?? You told her about SP2?! I can't tell if you were just being naive or sadistic.
Okay, okay, I screwed up. It's not all bad though, that hostage negotiator guy said that they probably wouldn't even have to storm the building.

 

by Ranger77
8-28-04
Look, er...monk. I don't have a problem and I don't need....
Did it ever occur to you to just pretend like you're not a borderline sociopath to get Captain Justice off your back?
Wait for a couple of weeks and then claim some traumatic incident made you embrace your former dark persona.
That's....that brilliant! Why the hell didn't I think of that. You're a genius!
Naah. When you spend your first 20 years of life in a Shaolin temple, you tend to read ALOT of comic books.

 

by Ranger77
9-01-04
Bush sucks! People are dying and we still haven't found those WMDs. This is all over oil and the only the rich are getting paid. Vote Kerry in November, man. Kerry for the future!
You can't believe anything that the Dems are saying. What DOES Kery believe in anyway? He's weak. The left is in disarray from that whole "progressive" thing to having Rev Al speak....Bush/Cheney 04!
Who are you voting for anyway?
Dr. Quinn from Sealab. I thought about Spongebob Squarepants, but that would just be needlessly sarcastic.

 

by Ranger77
9-03-04
Behind the scenes on the set of "Yep, it's true!"
So I walk in and, yes, I was five minutes late. A whole FIVE minutes....
Uh-oh. I know what's coming.
Yep. He had the nerve to say, "Oh it must be CP time." CP TIME! I was pissed.
I thought that joke was dead. *sigh* Some people never change. Did you report him to HR.
Nope. I just got his login password from the Post-it note inside his desk drawer. I intend to surf for rough porn all day under his account. I'll show him what "Cartoon People Time" is.
I know this Japanese site that's just wild....

 

by Ranger77
9-03-04
The whole thing started with a simple phone call....
Now sir, all you would have to do is allow us to implant a micro transmitter in your head, some non intrusive software on your computer and a black box in your car.
Forget it. My life is not for sale.
You're not selling your life. You're actually taking control of it by letting us target advertising to you based on your actions.
I like my privacy and I really don't need more marketing complicating things.
How about a free camera phone? Wouldn't you like a cell phone with a camera in it? They're very popular right now.
A camera phone....?

 

by Ranger77
9-04-04
And in Entertainment news, Paris Hilton is reportedly working on her first album.
The model is collaborating with rapper L'il John. The release is being described as "sensual hip hop."
This can't possibly get any worse.
The first single from the album will be called "Screwed". The release will also feature Paris performing some freestyle rap....

 

by Ranger77
9-05-04
Months ago, the Defender's League fought off an alien invasion. In doing so they kept the invaders' command ship which is now used as the League's HQ.
But now, back on the homeworld of the dreaded Fo'Shizzle, plans are being formed for their return....
**You see this? LOOSER. How could you leave the fricken keys to our vacation home on that ship**
**Oh yeah right, like you never made a mistake.**

 

by Ranger77
9-06-04
Some folks on the Ranger's World chat said that the strips were becoming too cynical and sarcastic. They might be right. Maybe we should do more positive strips.
Take the Internet for example. Its a wonderous thing. Email is critical in today's world. I mean just looking over my Inbox alone I see years of research coming together...
SubJ: must SOFTWARES VERYY CHEEP do woman
**(Thanks, Ivy.)
Ok, Fuck it, then. More Microsoft and Paris Hilton jokes coming right up.
Sorry dude. I just had to do it. You were getting all girly man....er....bird on me.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-04
And so...
So let me get this straight....you pretty much gave up your privacy for a camera phone.
Dude, I didn't give up my privacy as much as I just made myself a little more available to target based marketing. Besides the phone is neat, see?
Funny, I didn't know Daewoo made cell phones.
It's that whole "Kurimatza" thing or whatever. Look, the phone is even GPS enabled.
Great, so if the head transmitter fails they can still track you. You can't even go to the bathroom without those marketing wonks knowing about it.
I know, but based the frequency that I go I can score some awesome toliet paper coupons!

 

by Ranger77
9-08-04
**You realize, of course, if you go back to Earth it will upset the Overmind's "Master Plan." You should have been more careful.**
**Yeah. Maybe we should just forget the whole thing. I mean do we REALLY need that key? After all, you're just my spouse. It's better to have you mad at me than the Overmind, right?**
**Be back in a couple of weeks.**

 

by Ranger77
9-09-04
Not many people in the park today.
Nope. Just a quiet pre-autumn day.
Hey, I've got a question for you. You ever find cartoon women attractive?
Uh....I guess. But the real ones, not Bugs Bunny in drag.
I had this real intense sexual dream last night about a three way with Marge Simpson and Lois Griffin. The funny thing was....
Ok, we can just stop this conversation right now.

 

by Ranger77
9-11-04
Smoke detectors.
Hmmm. Ok.
Trojan brand condoms and Viagra.
Ha! Well I guess I shouldn't be too offended.
Dude....Klondike bars!
I'm just amazed at the fact that some marketing group is beaming Google Ads into your head based on everything you see doesn't strike you as somewhat obscene.

 

by Ranger77
9-12-04
**YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO GO TO EARTH. OUR APPARENT DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF THOSE EARTH HEROES IS PART OF OUR OVERALL MASTER PLAN. YOUR APPEARANCE COULD JEOPARDIZE ALL THAT.**
**But Overmind, my spouse has stated she will withhold all sexual contact unless I retrieve those keys. My marriage is at stake here.**
**I'VE SEEN YOUR SPOUSE. YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL.**
**You see! I wanted to go with the truth....that you'll make my life a living hell but nooooo....we had to do it your way!**

 

by Ranger77
9-15-04
Hey guys....I'm just trying to figure out this campaign and was wondering if you can help me?
Of course young person. It's folks like you that will help us at the Kerry campaign get that Nazi Dubya out of office.
This Swift Boat thing....smells like a smear campaign to me.
Of course it is. These vets going after Kerry's records are just a bunch of RNC cronies using deception and untruths to tarnish a reputation.
Ok. Now tell me about these CBS documents....lot of people are saying those Bush papers were forged.
Dude, that was a misunderstanding. Don't worry about it. It'll blow over. So they didn't have PCs, HP printers and inkjet paper in the early 70's. Who knew?

 

by Ranger77
9-19-04
Jim, we really appreciate you letting us monitor your behaviour for our targeted marketing campaign, but, we have a problem. You haven't really bought anything recently.
Yeah, I know.
It kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it?
Can you hang on a minute. I'm watching a cool infomercial and this guy is going to julienne some fries....

 

by Ranger77
9-20-04
AP 9/18/04
Hey Kerry-guys, its me again. I hear that CBS thing kinda blew up over the weekend.
Listen young dude, the docs might have been fake but the content was true. You can't deny that. You may not like the tactics but we have to do what we can to win.
That's curious, because if I'm not mistaken the same logic was used to justify the Patriot Act and the War in Iraq.
Hello?
Kid, are you always this intense?

 

by Ranger77
9-20-04
Life can have its surreal moments and they usually arrive in abundance to yours truly. Often those moments occur when I'm playing "counselor" to the opposite sex.
I don't know....my boyfriend just seems so uncaring sometimes.
Guys think of things differently. He might not know how to communicate with you.
This role has often had a negative effect on my own love (or shall I say) lust life. Being a placed into that "friend/advisor" category can really suck.
We were watching Titanic the other night and near the end he started making jokes about human popsicles.
Yeah...that's rough. Maybe you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with this person.
But one would expect that wouldn't happen while getting a lap dance in the VIP room of a strip club. Yes (sadly), actual dialogue and a true story.
Yeah, you're right I guess. I'll try work things out and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Sounds good to me. You're very talented you know....

 

by Ranger77
9-21-04
Fo'Shizzle Starport....
***What are you doing here? The Overmind has denied your request to leave the planet.***
***Yeah, I know. Aside from getting back the key to our vacation home I was kind of looking forward to going back to Earth.***
***I have never been there. I hear it is a strange place.***
***It is. There is alot you can learn from Earthlings. Take your spaceship over there. They would call that your "ride."***
***My "ride." How quaint. Where did you stay on Earth to obtain all this knowledge of their customs?***
***A place called East LA. Now...(ahem)..."Time to park it, G. You betta recognize or I'll bust a cap in yo green ass."***

 

by Ranger77
9-25-04
Can you believe those bastards took all their stuff back AND their phone.
Dude, you didn't buy anything.
They didn't tell me I had to. They just said they wanted to study my behaviour....
....for the purposes of marketing. They wanted you to buy stuff. They gather information to try to get you to buy stuff.
Dude, it would be much easier if they just made stuff I wanted to buy instead of spending all this time studying me.
You're thinking too much. Let's go get hammered.

 

by Ranger77
9-27-04
I managed to steal a ship and hit the first Hyperspace portal to Earth. The Overmind will be pissed as will my wife. The last time I angered her she refused to withhold sex.
***Yeah, it's not a misprint. You read it right.***
Next, using a ancient technique I took control of a human's body by using astral transference.
Woo-woo! You will succumb to me.
Yeah right. 20,000 bucks and you bring it back how I brought it here, Marvin. "Woo-woo"
Of course, in order to not jeopardize my mission, I have to do things cautiously and with great care. A simple slip could ruin everything.
Sir, I can't give you a Mountain Dew in a bigger cup. Try KFC, I hear they're doing half gallons.
Yessss....and Popcorn Chicken would fit well into my plans....

 

by Ranger77
9-29-04
Traditional dating services are just a picture and a paragraph....
I was in love with Tom almost instantly.
I thought Wendy was the ideal girl for me.
....and contrary to our rather irritating ad campaign you probably don't know we're about the same way.
And then I found out what an insensitive jerk he was.
Whatever. Question for you, where are those D cup boobs you supposedly have?
That's why as a complimentary service we're unveling eBreakUp.com: "When you've had enough!"
My name is Wendy and I met this asshole on eHarmony.com.
My name is Tom and I found that neurotic netbag over there on eHarmony.com.

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