All comics by russman

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by russman
1-15-17
Thanks for coming with me to find my puppy.
What's the little guys name.
I like to call him Mr. Hoppy.
Will he come if I call him.
Oh, he'll come no matter what you do.
Something feels funny about this.

 

by russman
1-16-17
I wanted to go over your report before the meeting.
Was there something wrong with it?
You've listed do nothing as an option.
That's because the other options all lead to failure.
Failure is not an option.
I know. That would have made the report much easier.

 

by russman
1-17-17
I'm off to work.
I wish you had let me make you a lunch. You know you get grumpy when you're hungry.
I'll be fine.
Text me when you get there, and when you are on your way home.
Mom, you didn't here from me for months at a time when I lived in Florida.
I know and look at the trouble you got in without me.

 

by russman
1-18-17
Started the new job yesterday. Another phone room.
Eight new hires in the class. Seven girls in their 20's and me.
I made coffee, you gonna have one before you go.
Their was a time I would have been excited about the possibilities. Now I'm just excited about the free coffee.
Be right down, Mom. I'll take one with me when I go too.

 

by russman
1-19-17
Well Jim, I'm sure you're wondering why I called you in here.
I'm afraid your constant use of snail mail and your refusal to abide by the dress code can no longer be tolerated.
I mean how hard is it to put on a pair of pants.
I can't change who I am.

 

by russman
1-20-17
It's Friday. Ready to get this day done and start my weekend.
In the past, would have scored some coke. Got drunk and fucked a stripper.
But Mom's DVRing the inauguration so it's all good.

 

by russman
1-21-17
GOODELL'S
Is that you Hardy? I ain't seen you since 07. How you doin?
Would you like to try one of our new combos.
HOME OF THE
C'mon Man. It was a clean shot, not even against the rules back then.
I used to have an outfit like that. Sometimes I still see stars.
SMASH MOUTH BURGER
This is depressing, I'm going to Arbys.
Would you like fries with that?

 

by russman
1-22-17
Did you see SNL last night. That sad show that nobody watches anymore sang a nice song about Obama.
I watch it only to see what they say about you. Girls no ones ever heard of singing about a loser, Who cares?
That's right. With all his celebrity friends, that's the best they could come up with.
Yep. I can't wait to here the singing when you leave office.
She didn't just insult me did she? I'd hate to have to fire her.
God, I can't believe I said that. It'll be OK, he's way to stupid to take it has an insult.

 

by russman
1-23-17
My sister called and asked me to bring Mom and go to church with them yesterday.
My brother in law thought he was a comedian.
This in my wives brother. I wouldn't stand too close to him, lightning might strike any second.
I'll be careful.
I hate getting up early on my day off.
We don't judge, all are welcome here.
How many times do you have to come before your allowed to count the collection plate.

 

by russman
1-24-17
Thanks for asking, Jim. It all started when less and less people came to the park to feed me. Pretty soon, old man Thompson here was the only one left.
That sounds depressing so how did you come up with this idea.
Well he ain't getting any younger so I said why don't you set this bench up right outside your door. And I'll bring the old lady and kids and live at your place.
That's the can do spirit that makes America great.
Yep. And it sure as Hell beats foraging.
I really hate this job.

 

by russman
1-25-17
I refuse to dialog with a squirrel.
C'mon man. Just give me a nut or something.
Not even for the chance at an easy joke.
Even if I mention that I don't like to forage.
You know, that's really not that funny.
Your the one that writes this shit. I'm just a squirrel.

 

by russman
1-26-17
If we don't make it. I just want you to know it was an honor to serve with you.
I think we may have been wrong. Maybe we shouldn't have fought for the right to serve.
Don't say that. We've proven that we belong.
But all we've done is try to turn every young recruit we meet into a potential sex partner.
What did you think we were going to do, Fight?
I don't even know where my gun is.

 

by russman
1-27-17
I bought us memberships in one of those ancestry sites.
Does it really matter where we came from.
You're my brother and yet we are so different. We need to see where our fathers came from.
My father was an international spy. Your Dad doesn't have any branches on his family tree.
You're an idiot, just put your DNA sample in the kit. I left yours in the bathroom.
All right. But it ain't coming from my mouth.

 

by russman
1-28-17
Not a bad year. Almost made the playoffs.
Dude, we've been done for a month, why you still wearing the uniform?
I really don't know what to do with myself in the off season. Anyway, you look like a damn gay pirate. What is that all about?
I thought you knew. I identify has a gay pirate.
Kickers are strange. Well, you gonna come in or what?
Ok. But you're not keeping those cleats on.

 

by russman
1-28-17
When I was 16 she always let me use the car. Now I'm much older and it's like pulling teeth.
Can I use the car. I can't spend another Saturday night watchng TV.
C'mon I've got chips. And there is a two hour Dateline on. You know how you like watching murders get solved.
The Keurig has to be the worst thing that happened while I was locked up.
I do like a good murder. Did you get dip?
Sorry, no dip but I did get some McCafe for the Keurig.
Trying to pick-up the cashier while buying a pack of Depends is tough. Even with my goto strategy of asking if they have the Triple Magnum Trojans.
Ok but can I run to the store and pick up some Oreos?
Sure Honey, just pick me up a pack of Depends while your there.

 

by russman
1-30-17
I'd like an ounce of weed.
That is so 2016, this is the heroin market.
Don't you guys get it, this is just what the man said would happen.
Don't shoot rhe messenger, you want a little or not.
All right. But it's against my better judgement.
That's more or less a given, isn't it.

 

by russman
1-31-17
That'll be five bucks.

 

by russman
2-01-17
All right, I'm here. What do you want?
You're too late. I'm dead now. I cried out to you over an hour ago.
Oh right. Just because I'm "God" I'm supposed to drop everything and come everytime one of my creations gets a boo-boo.
A boo-boo. I've been dismembered.
Last time you cried out to me you were pissed when I showed up.
That was during sex. For Christs' sake, you're God, you're supposed to know the difference.

 

by russman
2-02-17
My first pay check from my current telemarketing job.
All right. Did I hit the sales bonus.
You did a great job but Remember you spent a lot of time in training. You should bonus next pay.
Even though I sold enough per hour to earn the sales bonus I didn't receive it because of the hours I spent in training and not on the phone.
So everytime you come out and tell us to log into training , and then give us a pep talk, you are hurting are sales numbers.
I'd like to believe my talks help more than they hurt.
The unlimited coffee may not make this job worthwhile after all.
I'd like to believe you'd like us to hit the bonus plateau.
I'd like you to believe that too.

 

by russman
2-02-17
I can't believe they show this commercial on TV.
It says you apply the blue one on me.
There.
I know Mom. Let's not talk about it again.
No, on my cock.
What about the pink one?
Oh but they do, My Friend, they do.
Also on my cock.
I hope nobody has to watch this commercial with their Mom.

 

by russman
2-04-17
Can you spare some change.
Get a job. I love Trumps America.
It's gonna be a long four years.

 

by russman
2-05-17
My brother-in-law is one of those guys who thinks he's cool by cutting his cable cord.
What's with all the groceries? We having a Superbowl party, Ha-Ha.
Dave called he's coming down to watch the game with you later.
He "only" watches NetFlix and Amazon and all those other groundbreaking internet TV shows.
Dave, the guy with the 60 inch televison who said he didn't care about the Superbowl.
Be nice, I think he just wants to spend time with his Brother-in-law.
He has no use for network TV crap or local "fake" news and of couse he doesn't care about sports any more.
Hey, what's that, a six pack? Looks like it's gonna be a wild night.
Oh Man. I forgot you were living here now. I'd have picked you one up too.

 

by russman
2-05-17
Patriots win. Where's my twenty.
C'mon, you fixed that game, just like two years ago.
Are you calling me a liar?
Just having teams hand them the game is so obvious. How did you ever let the Giants beat them twice.
That was your work. I hope you enjoy Eli's soul.
The Manning's are mine.

 

by russman
2-06-17
I still get excited about meeting someone new.
Looks like I got stood up again.
Wow, better late than never.

 

by russman
2-07-17
Hey there Russ. Come on in to my office.
I 'm only at a point four. Maybe he'll send me home early.
Go ahead and shut the door.
Even better. Maybe he'll fire me.
There we've determined you can close something. Ha Ha Ha
Sales room humor. I'd rather have been fired.

 

by russman
2-08-17
You're probably wondering what I called you over for.
I thought we were gonna get drunk and play video games.
Actually I was thinking of entering one of those comic competitions.
It's been twelve years since you tried that. Do you even remember how to post a comic to the forum.
No... So you wanna fool around?
Didn't we used to get drunk first?

 

by russman
2-09-17
Hi Honey, I'm home.
How was work today Sweetie?
Long and hard.
That's what she said.
Mom. Where did you get that from?
C'mon, I used to watch the Office.

 

by russman
2-10-17
Deuce had a hunger only a squirrel could satisfy.
The squirrel was distracted, waiting to see if the punk was bringing something to eat with him.
Just one step closer.
He's usually at least good for a french fry.
The menace hesitated just long enough for our hero to sense his presence. No, he wouldn't be anyone's dinner tonight. But he would never know that the kid had six chips in his pocket just for him.
Crap.
What the Hell are you?

 

by russman
2-11-17
Another Saturday at home with Mom.
Well good, afternoon, Sleepy Head. I was wondering if you were gonna get up today.
It's barely after eight. Why do you get up so early?
I don't stay up all night watching TV.
No, you go to bed after Family Feud.
Someone's grumpy when they don't get enough sleep.
I watched the 11 O'Clock news.

 

by russman
2-12-17
Why is this microphone wet?

 

by russman
2-13-17
In retrospect, my scorched earth policy.
You got any plans for later?
That's a good one. I heard you were back in town living with your Mommy. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
With regards to old girl friends.
Hey, long time no see. What are you doing tomorrow?
Anyone but you, Asshole.
Might not have been my best decision.
Sorry I never called you back. Let me make it up to you.
Sure, you can do that. Let me know when you're dead.

 

by russman
2-14-17
I can't believe you decided to have Valentine's dinner with your old Mom.
Yeah it was great. I love Eggos for supper.
Me too. If I knew you were going to be home I would have made more.
One was plenty. I noticed that pack of Oreos on the table.
Yep. Happy Valentine's day.
Best Mom ever.

 

by russman
2-15-17
Is it Ok to clean up now, Officer?
You're gonna be busy. That's a shit load of blood.
I can't believe I worked with that guy for years. I had no idea he was a monster.
That is funny. No clue at all huh?
He did make the best meat sandwiches.
I'd save that for Dateline if I was you.

 

by russman
2-16-17
I like when people are predictable.
All right people. You know the drill. If you want your paycheck a day early you've got to close at least four today.
I've been getting bitched at all week about my lack of sales.
That includes you too, Boy Wonder. You haven't closed four all week. I don't think you can do it.
The numbers are garbage. We've been calling the same places over and over.
But I had four parked on the computer. I "closed" the last one right before I went home. Picking up my check as I walked out the door.
It's a sorry excuse for a salesman, that blames his contacts.
You're right. I better get back to work.

 

by russman
2-17-17
It was a stupid bet.
But I've never lost a game of chicken.
Until now.
Undefeated and still champ.

 

by russman
2-18-17
Weekends are the best. I'm thinking I might get lucky.
So you ready to go get something to eat.
Like I'd wear my uniform to dinner. I got called to work. Maybe next Saturday.
Can't wait till next weekend. I'm thinking I might get lucky.

 

by russman
2-19-17
Ok squirrel. You pick the contest. I'm not losing twice in a row.
Limbo. I'll go first.
Shit.

 

by russman
2-20-17
What's taking so long?
Where the Hell is he?
Sometimes I feel like slicing your other ear off.
Next time I cut more that your face.

 

by russman
2-21-17
It was a long day at work
Your Dad just called. He thinks he's having a heart attack. You need to drive me to the hospital.
My Dad died in 2000.
I really hate hospitals.
Don't be a smart ass it's you step-dad.
My step-dad died five years ago.
It was a very quiet ride.
It's your sisters father. The man who raised you.
That was three step-dads ago. Show me on your wall of husbands which one he was again.

 

by russman
2-22-17
Hello, Ma'am. Is the man of the house at home?
No "man". But you can talk to my son.
Good afternoon, Sir. Could I interest you in a home security system?
I live in this rental hovel with my Mom. The only thing I have going for me is at least I don't have to face the people that I'm trying to sale shit that they don't need.
I'll put you down as a follow up.
That's what I would do.

 

by russman
2-23-17
I don't think I needed it but I wanted to thank you for the help anyway.
You are right. I had nothing to do with it. I really don't get involved in politics.
I know that. I had it wrapped up. It was the biggest win ever.
Then what are you thanking me for?
Hooking me up with Melania. I mean Marla was hot. But Melania is on a whole other level.
Sometimes it may seem like someone is being rewarded when it is really the other person being punished...anyway you're welcome.

 

by russman
2-24-17
My Hero.
Does it always have to be this dramatic.

 

by russman
2-25-17
I hate when dogs do that.
If I could do that I would never leave the house.
I was talking about them scooting their ass across the ground not licking their balls.
I Know.
C'mon Bernie let's go.
Actually I can. But it pisses Mom off.

 

by russman
2-26-17
I'm here to assist you, Doctor.
Very Good. Go take the temperature of our dead friend over there.
I can't remember. Where do I stick this thing?
Does this give you a clue?
I thought it was for him.
Please, don't make me beg.

 

by russman
2-27-17
I had a terrible day at work. So I left two hours early and went to the bar.
I was determined to get laid.
How you doin?
10 with 20 without.
I decided to surprise Mom and bring home a McDonalds Big Box Meal instead.
Without what? A condom?
My teeth. You're new here, ain't ya?

 

by russman
2-28-17
I'm scared.
That's not funny.
I know.

 

by russman
3-01-17
Took the day off today and hung out with my niece. Went out to eat.
Mom and Dad want me to go back to college.
You gotta do what feels right to you.
Then went bowling.
I hate the cold up here, I've been talking to my ex in Florida, I'm thinking of moving down there.
I know the family went through a lot with him. But you've got to go where the heart leads you.
Then got some coffee.
You always give the best advice.
If I ever have kids I'm not letting my sister near them.

 

by russman
3-02-17
Yes, that's it. I'll drop my pen on the floor in her cubicle.
I like to smoke.
Then when she reaches down to pick it up for me. I'll go down at the same time and let my hand make slight contact with her ankle.
Smoking is great.
Must be careful not to let what happened last time happen again...banging our heads together like a stupid amateur...Idiot.
I'm going to eat my lunch out here and smoke at the same time...Genius.

 

by russman
3-03-17
You're home early.
Couldn't wait to spend another Friday night with Mom.
Why don't you go out with one of your friends? You can use the car.
You trying to get rid of me? I thought we would order a pizza and watch TV.
She fixed me a hamburger and told me to stay in my room. I got her back by playing my music loud...I think I'm 12 years old again.
I told you I invited a friend over for dinner.
I can't live in a world where my Mom gets laid more than I do.

 

by russman
3-04-17
I won't go out with you because your the same conceited, egotistical, self-centered guy I went out with in college.
C'mon you gotta see I've made some changes in my life.
Yeah but moving back in with your Mom and not having your own car or any money were not the kind of changes I was looking for.
I've still got this going for me.
I hate to break it to you. But you aren't anywhere near as cute as used to be either.
Now you're just being mean.

Showing page 7.

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