All comics by UnknownEric

Profile

 

by UnknownEric
3-02-04
I'll handle difficult customers by showing them my tits.
I'll murder you all.

 

by UnknownEric
3-02-04
Showing you my 'o' face.

 

by UnknownEric
3-03-04
Your name and mine inside a heart on a wall / Still finds a way to haunt me though they're so small
Just walk away Renee / you won't see me follow you back home / Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes / For me it cries
Jeez, I just asked where the Art books are.

 

by UnknownEric
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
It ain't gonna fit.

 

by UnknownEric
3-09-04
Systems Department.
Yes, I'm calling from the Periodicals Department. That new workstation management system you installed isn't working. At all.
Well, everyone else's is working.
That's nice, but ours isn't. At all.
Well, we'd come look at it, but we're too busy looking at the ones that are working and praising our own ingenuity.
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
3-09-04
Who did you bring with you?
That's my husband Eric, grandma.
Oh, okay.
Who are you?

 

by UnknownEric
3-16-04
General Disagreement, I've come up with a name for the increased terrorist hunting in Afghanistan. Operation Mountain Storm!
That's nice, son. You come up with the catchy names, we'll do the fightin'.
Yes, I called my name search Operation Name Storm.
Ooookay, I think I'll be getting a soft drink now.
Ahhh, Operation Mountain Dew!
Someone kill him.

 

by UnknownEric
3-19-04
HELP! HELP! Someone tried to mug me!
It's alright, granny... my name is Spike, I hump the helpless.
Don't you mean help the... hey... what are you?
GET OFF MY LEG!

 

by UnknownEric
3-19-04
Aaaah, I finally got a new Xbox. Oh, glorious Xbox. Beloved Xbox.
179 dollars for such a worthless thing. We could have used that money to fix the house up.
Hey, are you the one who took the Maryland Terrapins to the National Championship game four seasons in a row? Huh? Huh?
*sigh*
Bitch betta REKANIZE!

 

by UnknownEric
3-21-04
Man, you know when you're bleedin' it was a great game.
Yeah, you played great! Did I happen to mention I have hepatitis?
How was your soccer game? Did you score.
Yeah! Three guys AT ONCE!
Yeah! We won!
Winning is for pussies!

 

by UnknownEric
3-24-04
*No telemarketer has EVER correctly pronounced my last name. It's not that hard. Neffke. Pronounced Neff-key. Simple.
Hello?
Yes, can I speak to Eric Neh-Neh-Neh-Nefferkissius?*
I'm sorry, we're closed.
Oh, I'm sorry, is this a place of business?
No.
*CLICK*

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-04
JANET!?!
BRAD!
JANET!
DR. SCOTT!
ROCKY!

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-04
Oh, look! A robin! It's a sign of spring!
*sigh* I love robins.
I prefer batmen.

 

by UnknownEric
3-25-04
Well, Rob, we've decided to fire you. You're chronically late, your work is below average, and your colleagues have complained about you making sexist comments.
But I do have some good news.
What's that?
I just saved a bunch of money on hookers by switching to your mom!
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
3-27-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
ZAP!
Sucker!
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
3-27-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
Welp, apparently nothing. Your tough shit.

 

by UnknownEric
3-30-04
So... do you like my bedroom?
Yes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking about tying you to the bed, lubing up your tight asshole and sliding bananas in it while I shit in your mouth.
Was it something I said?

 

by UnknownEric
3-30-04
Mmmm... it's soooooo big.
Oh, I can't fit it all in!
*CLICK*
Y'know, Shelly, when I asked you to "suck my cock"...

 

by UnknownEric
3-30-04
That was a great first date. Thank you.
Can I ask you something personal, Claire?
Of course.
Can I come in, spank your naked ass and then come in your mouth?
NO!
Okay, how about a quick feel-up then?

 

by UnknownEric
3-31-04
You cock sucking son of a cunt!
Eat my warm mushy shit! Eat it! Mmmm, it's fuckin' good, ain't it, you cum-guzzling whore!
Fucking douchebag assfuck! Lick my cock till it spurts up your nose!
Lying sack of shit! Why don't you stick a rifle up your asshole and fire! See what happens, dickcheese!
You know, if the State of the Union address gets you this upset...

 

by UnknownEric
3-31-04
Yes, I've done it! My first successful penis transplant! Joy!
Some time later.
Gee, Doc, thanks for giving me a spanking new schlong. I just have one question... where'd you get it from?
Well, my son, I just gave you the johnson of Der Fuhrer!
Insert shrill strings here.
*GASP* You mean...?
Yes! I saved Hitler's cock!

 

by UnknownEric
3-31-04
It sure is nice having a brand new wang. It's just too bad it's tainted with German nationalism.
Hi, Gabe, how are... AHHH! You have a giant erection! Gross!!!
No, no... wait! Wait!
It's just giving you the Nazi salute!

 

by UnknownEric
3-31-04
So, Gabe... nice name, kid... how long have you been hearing these voices?
Well, Doc, ever since I got Hitler's cock.
And what are these voices saying?
Well, it's queer, Doc... every time I get an erection, I'm told to invade Poland.
And this one time when I was jerking off to a picture of Winona Ryder, the voice wouldn't shut up about the Final Solution...

 

by UnknownEric
4-01-04
Jesus, it's been FOUR HOURS! When's the little shit gonna find me?

 

by UnknownEric
4-01-04
Ahh, morning. A new day...
What the hell?
And when I woke up, I discovered I had built an entire luftwaffe of paper airplanes...

 

by UnknownEric
4-01-04
Hey Gabe, what are you doing at this show? I didn't know you liked the Mendoza Line.
The Mendoza Line? Dammit.
Huh?
Sorry, my cock thought it was the Maginot Line.
What?

 

by UnknownEric
4-01-04
Well, that was a long flight, but I'm finally here... *clears throat*
I, the owner of Adolf Hitler's cock, hereby annex the Sudetenland for Germany.
Sudetenland? This is Sunderland, arsehole.
Goddamnit.

 

by UnknownEric
4-04-04
Take this down, Jimmy. "Dear Sir, Although I appreciate your wishes to keep my husband's memory alive..."
"I must ask that you cease and desist from performing your 'tribute' song, 'Give Rape A Chance.' Sincerely, Yoko."
fukk.

 

by UnknownEric
4-06-04
If the sun going down...
...can make me cry...
*SOB*
...why should I not like the way I am?
I like me.

 

by UnknownEric
4-06-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Homegrown, I see...

 

by UnknownEric
4-06-04
Excuse me, sir, but is everybody in this city a faggot?
Hey look, a bear! Let's get his attention!
Excuse me, I'm a 18-year-old virgin from a small town without any money in her pocket. Can you help me?
w00t!

 

by UnknownEric
4-07-04
Well, Doc, how is she?
She's in a coma. It's serious.
I know, I know...
Can I get in one last hump?
Sure!

 

by UnknownEric
4-07-04
I might like you better if we slept together.
Maybe.
Maybe? That's never! NEVER SAY NEVER!!!
Was it something I said?

 

by UnknownEric
4-07-04
My name is Ted. And one day, I'll be dead... yo yo yo...

 

by UnknownEric
4-07-04
Can I be yours?
NO!
Can I be yours?
NO!
Can I be yours?
NO!

 

by UnknownEric
4-07-04
Love me!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

 

by UnknownEric
4-08-04
Mr. Dylan, we'd like to talk to you about a murder case we're investigating...
It ain't me, babe!
Excuse me?
No, no, no! It ain't me, babe.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
It ain't me you're looking for, babe.

 

by UnknownEric
4-09-04
Ha ha ha!
What's so funny?

 

by UnknownEric
4-10-04
Aha! It is me, Jesus, reminding you to remember me on Easter by casting the Easter Bunny out of your life.
What's in it for me?
Brightly coloured eggs and chocolate!
Salvation!
I pick the bunny.
Dammit.

 

by UnknownEric
4-10-04
Welcome to Kinko's, can I help you?
Yes, Neo, I need to print a 40 page document and my printer takes 3-5 minutes to print each page.
Three to five minutes!?! That's insane!
Yes. For I am part of: The Dot Matrix.
Can you show me the Dot Matrix?
Sure! Load "dotmatrix",8,1.

 

by UnknownEric
4-12-04
Boss, I really need to go home early...
Why?
Because I have a painful and embarassing erection.
I don't know, Pete, Walter's on vacation, Stephanie's sick with the flu and John's in a meeting all day.
You're just gonna have to work hard...

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
No.
Neither do I. Fuck it.

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-04
with thanks to Matchbook_Romance for the inspiration.
Good job on your homework, Eric. Those are some really HIGH numbers...
*snicker*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, do you still smoke weed or is it just all the residue?

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-04
Heh, yer all cunting dead.

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-04
Yeah, I went to Catholic School... and survived...
Heavy metal music contains hidden Satanic messages and is designed to drive teenagers to the Devil.
*snicker*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wait, you were serious, weren't you?

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-04
First you guys talked all during the movie of Moby Dick, then you ruined the movie version of Frankenstein...
...now you can't shut up during the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde video!?!
Yeah. Notice a pattern, dipshit?

 

by UnknownEric
4-16-04
sung to the tune of Crowded House's "Better Be Home Soon."
I've been alone too long and I need some affection...
...but you have a floppy schlong that can't get an erection...
...and you know I'm tiiiiiiiiiight, still you can't get it upright... that's why I tell yoooooouuuu...
...you'd better get hard soon...

 

by UnknownEric
4-21-04
Eric, I'm glad I ran into you. I love your reviews, but could you... uhhh... simplify them a little?
What do you mean?
*Actual excerpt from a Civ concert review of mine.
Well, take this excerpt: "The band repeatedly strained to escape the dulling mediocrity of its chosen genre, but the perils of pop-punk prevented them from achieving any sort of pop transcendence."*
Yeah? What's wrong with it?
No one can figure out what it means.
So?

 

by UnknownEric
4-21-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....
American Pie 4: Coming this summer.
Cut! We already pissed on Stiffler in the second one. Let's come up with a new humiliation for him.

 

by UnknownEric
4-21-04
Welcome back to the Tonight Show. My guest tonight is rock singer Courtney Love.
Good to be here, Jay. Would you like to see my tits?
No thank you, I just ate. Courtney, is there anything you've always wanted to do but haven't done yet?
Well, I've always wanted to fuck a dog.
My dog is dead?

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »