All comics by Xuanwu

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by Xuanwu
8-31-07
AH! GOD! OH YES! I'M COMING! I'M COOOOOMING! YES! YES! YES!
I take it you like my shirt, babe? Heh!
You were right, man! This is awesome! I can make this girl writhe just by keeping my shirt open!
Indeed! This excursion has been most rew - LOOK OUT!
UNNNH! OH, MY! MM! OH, DEARY ME! AHHHHH - Urk! Huff...Th-thank you - huff - s-sonny... *Blegh*
I think she's dead. Oh, shit.

 

by Xuanwu
8-31-07
Sorry, sir, but I saw what you did to that old lady. I'm going to have to arrest you both.
Oh, really? What if I do - THIS!
...
You're unaffected! How?!
I used to work the beach patrol checking bikini coverage. Per police regulations, I was made into a eunuch.
Nuts.

 

by Xuanwu
8-31-07
Hello! I just moved in last week. Pleased to meet you!
Hi! Where did you move from?
An apartment ont he west side. I left after some...disagreements with my roomies. But enough about me, what do you do for a living?
I make toupes for cancer children who've lost their hair.
Oh, neat! And how long have you been a wigger?
Uh...

 

by Xuanwu
8-31-07
Good day, gentlemen! This is a demonstration of our latest development: crypto chimps!
Ook ook. Oooook. Ook.
Just as we used Navajos in WWII, these simians will ensure enemies won't be able to understand our messages.
Ook? Ook ook ook. Oooook.
I wonder what the media will dub them.
"Code Monkeys."

 

Hey, Doc, it hurts when I do this.
Then don't do that.
by Xuanwu, 8-31-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-12-07
Destroy them!
Pardon?
Oh, nothing. Just debugging some code for these robots.
'Kay.

 

by Xuanwu
9-13-07
Guess what we're going to do to your orifices?
What?
Destroy them!

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07
Who can tell me what hideous diseases infect this horrible sexual deviant, class?
Having a close-minded doctor who enjoys the suffering of others?
Thanks for volunteering to be part of the castration demo!

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-16-07

 

by Xuanwu
9-23-07

 

by Xuanwu
11-09-07
Experts say this winter has been one of the coldest on record.
In other news, scientists continue to warn of the effects of global warming.

 

by Xuanwu
11-09-07
Son, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your savior?
TOBOR has!
What? But that's... Oh, dear Lord...
TOBOR savored Christ many times.

 

by Xuanwu
11-11-07
Remember when you told my son I was dead?
You were right!

 

by Xuanwu
11-12-07
A recall of Aqua Dots has been announced because the toys turn into date rape drugs when ingested.
In other news, sales of Aqua Dots has spiked among males 18-34.

 

by Xuanwu
11-14-07
"The Vagina Monologues" has been criticized for depicting the rape of a 14-year old girl by an older woman as a positive experience.
In other news, NOW has awarded "The Vagina Monologues" it's top prize for promoting female empowerment.

 

by Xuanwu
11-22-07
And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?
A role in Godfather 4!
A-are you sure? You've been good, so, I mean, that seems a little unfair...
What do you mean? Part 4's going to be great!
Let's just say I know where Coppola has been investing all the reindeer feces I've given him since Part 3.
Sofia?

 

by Xuanwu
11-22-07
Hey, Abe, have you seen - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
You had some antelope in the back, so I used some of them to make sausage for Christmas dinner!
Those weren't antelope! Those were the reindeer! YOU'VE RUINED CHRISTMAS FOREVER!
Oh...
I guess I should've made burgers, instead.

 

by Xuanwu
11-22-07
Behind the scenes at Simoun's production...
Are the storyboards and plot overviews finished?
No. The writers have only turned in some random fragments so far.
How's the animation development?
Test groups have said the character designs look like "demented porcelain dolls."
Good god, man. Is there anything in this series that'll make geeks want to spend money on it?
Lesbians!

 

by Xuanwu
11-23-07
So this is guaranteed the real thing, right?
Genuine Christmas cheer in its most potent form!
AH! YES! OH, GOD! UNNNNHH! DON'T STOP! AUGH! IT'S SOOO BIG! DEEPER! AAAAAAHHHHH!
Care to play some reindeer games with my other chimney?
Like the fat man says, "HO HO HO."

 

by Xuanwu
11-23-07
You know how Rudolph helps you get through fog with his nose light?
Yep! I sure am grateful for it.
Well, I found a way to make him twice as effective!
Oh? How did you - DEAR GOD NO!
Kill me...
Kill me now...

 

by Xuanwu
11-25-07
My name is Blowback. I have the ability to blow things up by snapping my fingers.
I'm the Amazing Blindspot. I can block a person's ability to see the future.
All right. Amazing Blindspot, you get first pick of which X team to join.
B-b-but why, Professor?
His powers take prescience.

 

by Xuanwu
12-05-07
Welcome to Sf@3o4!5a3FG#hja's. Can I take your order?
Yes. I'd like a tofu shake with tofu fries and tofu burger. It's bad to eat animals, you know!
So, that'll be one baby seal blood shake, deep fried dolphin sticks, and a strangled koala patty?
What the HELL? No! That's not what I ordered!
Ah, so you want a side of maimed panda nuggets?
...You're an evil, evil man.

 

by Xuanwu
7-03-08
There's a new movement in France to integrate technology into every industry.
Yeah. Their bakers just created a new "tech pastry."
What do they call it?
E-clairs.

 

by Xuanwu
8-01-08
That new baseball player is great!
Yeah. And he plays football, too. Just like that Jackson guy.
Oh, yeah! Whatever happened to him?
He retired and started his own clothing line in Japan.
That sounds cool. Maybe I'll buy something from him. What's the brand name?
"Bo-Khaki."

 

by Xuanwu
8-03-08
Los Angeles has announced plans to ban all fast food restaurants from its poorer areas.
Health officials say the ban will cause the poor to seek other, healthier, options.
One year later...
LA officials are still puzzled by the dramatic citywide rise in cannabalism.

 

by Xuanwu
9-25-09
To see what people think of our city's water, we've had this hobo pee into a bottle. Now we'll do a taste test.
I be saving that one fer days! Heh heh.
I...I think my intestines just took up macrame.
BURNING RATS ARE COPULATING IN MY ESOPHAGUS!
Fascinating report. I hope those folks got the taste of urine out of their mouths.
Actually, those were the reactions to city water. The hobo piss is selling for $20 a liter. But that's only if you catch him with a full bladder.

 

by Xuanwu
11-23-09
Gonorrhea.
I DISBELIEVE!
Vagina dentata.

 

by Xuanwu
11-23-09
Oh, man, I'm really jonesin - Wait. Jesus Christ?
Hey there.
What are you doing in a crack alley?
What's it look like! I'm mainlining heroin right into my palms!
Wow. I didn't know you liked that stuff.
Where do you think the stigmatas came from? Duh!

 

by Xuanwu
6-04-10
Winston, when someone asks if you're a god, you say YES!
Uh...
I don't think that's going to work here.

Showing page 8.

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