All comics by boloboffin

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by boloboffin
10-30-07
I AM NOT GAY! Being tempted by Satan --
To suck cock.
-- To submit to same sex attraction, it just means I'm human.
Ray-Ray, there are billions of humans who have never been tempted to slip a single dick between their lips.
Never?
Well, nobody counts college.

 

by boloboffin
10-30-07
If I was gay, then I would accept my S-S-A-D and act on it as much as I wanted.
S-S-A-D?
Same Sex Attraction Disorder.
Wait. So you're not gay anymore, you're just SSAD?
That's right! Finally somebody got my little joke! Tee-hee-hee!

 

by boloboffin
11-01-07
So, Ray-Ray, what made you give up the cock?
What made me finally recognize my complete powerlessness over my SSAD, you mean? I don't feel comfortable sharing that with you.
Oh, come on. It's not like you woke up in a pile of dead Thai boy-hookers and 50 thou in Peruvian coke scattered all over the hotel room.
Shit like that only happens to me.

 

by boloboffin
11-02-07
Don't cry for me, Mr. Coffee Man. Ever since I became an ex-gay, life with my Lord and Savior has been one ecstacy after another!
Uh-huh.
Whenever Satan calls, I just close my eyes and think of Jesus' tortured body writhing on the cross, undulating in agony and sweat.
His chest heaving, his powerful legs sliding against each other, his thick, meaty biceps straining against the firm, unyielding wood...
Let me guess. Your favorite Bible book is the Gospel of St. Mapplethorpe.

 

by boloboffin
11-04-07
Well, Ray-Ray, good luck with the ex-gay thing.
Wait a minute! Aren't you ready to accept Jesus into your life as well?
I might be willing to think about it, but it'll cost you a blowjob.
It's for the greater good, Ray-Ray. The greater -- *gulp*
Ah...

 

by boloboffin
11-04-07
I had to give him the blowjob, Father Plucker. I couldn't risk losing that precious soul.
But, Ray-Ray, that means you submitted to your homosexual longings.
Oh, no. I didn't enjoy it at all.
You didn't?
No, sir! I usually swallow!

 

by boloboffin
11-04-07
Why, it's Melody Malfee, my ex-fag hag!
Hey, Ray-Ray.
"Ex-fag hag" sounds kinda funny. I should come up with a better-sounding name.
How about "fiancee"?
"Ex-fag hag" it is!
rrrrrrr

 

by boloboffin
11-04-07
Excuse me...where is the "pee-pee" room? I have to "pee-pee."
It's right through that door (snicker!) Just go on it and whip it right out! (chuckle!)
Hm-hm-hmm. It's a very spacious "pee-pee" room.
DEAR CHRIST IN HEAVEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY PETUNIAS!!!!
Evidently, the lady doesn't like her petunias pruned.
(snort!)

 

by boloboffin
11-06-07
Melody, my child, you seem upset.
I'm just so bummed out by this whole Ray-Ray situation, Father Fucker.
Plucker.
Whatever. I've been there for Ray-Ray time and time again, and now that he's straight, he doesn't want to marry me? What up with that?
Oh. Um, if Ray-Ray should ever marry, it should be to a woman who maximizes his chances of being drawn to her. Sexually, that is.
And?

 

by boloboffin
11-06-07
Oh, Ray-Ray, you gorgeous hunk of ex-gay manliness. If only you could read my mind.
Please hear me. Please just listen to my silent longings for you .
*sigh* Another night at home, alone with my dildo...
Oh, sweet Jesus, I just got a huge boner!

 

by boloboffin
11-06-07
I just can't believe Ray-Ray isn't into me, Cody.
Thorn.
Whatever. It just makes me wonder, though. If Ray-Ray isn't the man for me, then who possibly could be?
I dunno. Somebody who'd listen to you patiently, I guess, who'd help you buy all your new black clothes, who'd show you all the goth makeup tricks...
Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to thank you for that.
*sigh*

 

by boloboffin
11-06-07
Oh, Melody, it's so good to sit down and just talk. Tell me all about everything!
Well, there have been a few little changes since you went off to Ex-Gay camp. Do you like the new hair???
I'm sorry. Hair talk is a gateway issue for me.
Understood.

 

by boloboffin
11-07-07
God, it's been so long! When's the last time we sat down to dinner?
About a week before you went to Ex-Gay camp. What was that like, Ray-Ray?
OH, JESUS, LET ME GO HOME! I PROMISE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST LET ME MOISTURIZE!!!!
Um, could we get a taser in here?
A little drier than I expected, but mostly good!
Kinda like this steak, then.

 

by boloboffin
11-08-07
Are you finding a calendar you like?
OH, MY GOD!!!!!!! "POOPED PUPPIES 2008"? SOMEBODY ATE SIXTEEN PUPPIES, POOPED THEM OUT, TOOK SOME PICTURES, AND MADE A CALENDAR????
Sir, sir! The puppies are just tired and sleepy. See? They're "pooped." Figure of speech.
Oh.
Well, that's boring.

 

Imperius! Now where does Sirius want me to put my penis?
by boloboffin, 11-08-07

 

by boloboffin
11-09-07
There's a great Bible study tonight at Father Plucker's. Wanna come with?
Oh, I can't. I've gotta meet Thorn at the Lounge of Anguish tonight.
Thorn? Who's Thorn?
Just somebody I met while you were gone. Thorn helped me with my new look, the clothes, the hair, the makeup...
Oh, my God, she's finally become a lesbian!
Oh, my God, I think he may be jealous!

 

by boloboffin
11-09-07
I'm worried about Melody, Father Plucker. I think she may finally have succumbed to the vile temptation of lesbianism.
Oh, my. It sounds like you've been called to witness to her, Ray-Ray, and save her from a life of sinful sexual sin.
Really?
Oh, yes! A life of sweaty, tingling, breast swelling, tongue teasing, labia against labia, sensual strap-on, smack-it-down lesbian sexual sin!
OK, then. I'll get right on it.
I think I'll retire to the rectory...

 

by boloboffin
11-10-07
So how'd the cops know you were the Menstrual Mangler anyway?
Forgot to replace my emergency pad.

 

by boloboffin
11-10-07
So how'd your new job as a Timberlake roadie go?
Let's just say there's one more reason to compare him to Michael Jackson now.

 

by boloboffin
11-10-07
So what was your most horrific moment with the zombies?
I don't like to talk about it.

 

by boloboffin
11-11-07
I'm here for the job search seminar.
Great. One of the most important things to do is to stay on good terms with old employers. How did you leave your last job?
I'm comfortable with it.
Great! Then we'll move on.

 

by boloboffin
11-13-07
Hey, remember that hitchhiker back around Tuscon?
Oh, yeah.
Good times.

 

by boloboffin
11-13-07
Time to exchange presents, lover!
I know you gonna love my present thees year...
A membership to Jenny Craig and a vacuum cleaner??
Dios Mio! An ESL prepay course y a presceeshun para Encyte???
CRASH! BANG! STAB-STAB-STAB!
AHHHHHHHH- HHHHHHHHH- HHhhhhhh...

 

by boloboffin
11-14-07
That's mean, Billy! You shouldn't eat pumpkin pie near a jack o'lantern!
This isn't pumpkin pie. It's dried-up, reheated tuna casserole!

 

by boloboffin
11-14-07
Backstage at the Lounge of Anguish:
Cody, Cody, I need you to come with, quick!
It's Thorn. And I really wish I could, Melody, but Shreikingrund's about to do our biggest gig ever in like --
Whatever! But if you want me to be happy, you'll be making out with me in front of the Holy Wood Evangelical Church within the next two minutes!!!
M-making out with you? In front of a church? Right now?
Yes, Jesus, would you get those baggy pants into gear???
Every Sha-la-la-la, Every Wo-o-wo-o still shines...

 

by boloboffin
11-14-07
Dear God! Thelma!
And people think I'm a dog...
How did Mrs. Moneybags get her legs behind her head like that?
She's been doing the yoga classes since Los Angeles.
And the cabin steward since Acapulco.
Another successful student! I hope I brought enough business cards...

 

by boloboffin
11-15-07
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics /atheistgirl/402613/
I've got a nail and a hammer, now to find something to nail to the wall.
Hey, 'Splode, what's hanging?
Fuck me.

 

by boloboffin
11-15-07
Some people can be awfully hard to figure out what to get for Christmas, Santa. How do you do it?
That's easy, little Elfcock. When I'm stumped over a gift, I let Abe Vigoda figure it out! Let me give you an example.
Mr. Vigoda, themushroom is a funny guy, but just recently started displaying alarming drama queen tendencies. What should he get for Christmas?
That's easy, Santa. An all-expense- paid weekend at a Rio S&M Palace, where he can work out his victim fantasy behind well insulated walls and a ball gag.
That's... Amazing!
He's a certifiable genius.

 

by boloboffin
11-16-07
It's a risk going to the Lounge of Anguish, but if I'm going to save Melody from her lesbianism, I have to take the chance!
A quick shortcut through the park... Careful, careful...
BUT WHO'S GONNA SEE US HERE??
And there it is, just a few doors down! I hope I'm not too late!
RAY-RAY! Long time, no see, stranger!

 

by boloboffin
11-16-07
Meanwhile...
Quick, to the church!
Wait, I know a shortcut through the cemetary!
You know, a cemetary's a great place to make out...
BUT WHO'S GONNA SEE US HERE?? Keep going, keep going!
There's it is! C'mon, get over here and start kissing me before Ray-Ray leaves.
A kiss from you in humiliation is still a kiss from you... *sigh*

 

by boloboffin
11-17-07
Marty, please, I need to find Melody right away!
OK! God, try to say hello...
That was easy! Praise Jesus!
Too easy.

 

by boloboffin
11-17-07
Hey, Marty! Wait a minute!
You silly queen! I thought you were looking for Melody.
I am, but didn't you hear about me going to Ex-Gay Camp for a while?
Ex-Gay Camp? As in Extreme Gay Sports?? Show me your gold tennis bracelet for the 15 Penis Gloryhole Dash!
No, Ex-Gay Camp is where they remove all contact from the sinful world and then pray all the gay out of you.
And you're back so soon? How optimistic of you!

 

by boloboffin
11-19-07
Sad news today: Dick Wilson, the actor who portrayed "Mr. Whipple" in Charmin toilet paper ads, has died. He was 91.
However, the strength of his argument has now been enhanced considerably.
Don't squeeeeze the Chaaaaarmin...
YAAHHHHHH!!!!

 

by boloboffin
11-19-07
I'll have you know that I am now completely 100% heterosexual, thank you, Jesus!
Well, all right.
Did you hear me? I said that I, Ray-Ray, am completely 100% straight stud man meat!
I heard you.
continued...
Well? Aren't you going to tempt me?
Why would I want to do that?

 

by boloboffin
11-19-07
I'm every gay man's dream! I'm a straight guy that might sleep with you!
Ooookay. Ray-Ray, I'm sorry, but you've never been my type, and that's not EVER going to change. Goodnight.
Fags can be so fickle.

 

by boloboffin
11-19-07
Meanwhile...
No, put your arm down there. THORN, DOWN THERE.
What's that?
Is that better, Melody? *sigh*
Dear Lord in Heaven above! There are two Goth lesbians rolling around on the sacred grass!!!
I TOLD YOU, NO TONGUE!!
Oh, yes, let there be tongue. And God saw the tongue, and it was very good.

 

by boloboffin
11-22-07
At last, I enter the den of inquity known as the Lounge of Anguish.
Gee, I don't what I was so afraid of. I don't feel like submitting to my SSAD impulses at all! Now to find Mel...
Oh! Um, Mel... Mel.. Mmmmm...

 

by boloboffin
11-22-07
Are you staring at me?
No! I was just -- just repeating my mantra.
Freak.
Da pee-pee goesin da hooha, notda boop-boop.

 

by boloboffin
11-24-07
That fucking little bitch!!
Excuse me?
Thorn, our fucking little bitch lead singer.
Thorn's not here?
No. The fucking little bitch skipped out with some road pussy. There are almost TEN PEOPLE here tonight! We could have sold a CD!
I'll take twenty!!

 

by boloboffin
11-24-07
Meanwhile...
So, Thorn, you want to explain what you two ladies were doing entwined on the churchyard there?
I'm not a lady.
Oh, sure, you're not. With all that makeup and jewelry and a name like Thorn, it's so blinking obvious.
God, could you be a little more insensitive and jerky?
OHHH!! My bad. I gotcha. So have they sewed the penis on yet or do you still have to strap it on?
grrrrrrr

 

by boloboffin
11-24-07
No one's here. Now's my chance.
NOW, WORLD DOMINATION!
*tinkle*

 

Tell me more about this structure, strange humanoid.
This wall? Oh, it was built back in 122 by the Roman emperor Hadrian.
by boloboffin, 11-26-07

 

by boloboffin
11-26-07
You want twenty CDs? That's close to $400.
Well, Melody's a friend of mine and I wouldn't want you to lose out on sales, Mr. ...
Stanley.
Stanley? That's your punk name?
I didn't get it tattooed around my left nipple for nothing.
Oh, I see! I'm just gonna run to the ATM now... *swoon*

 

by boloboffin
11-26-07
Hey, did you hear about the new brand of Italian snow tires?
No.
Dago through the mud, dago through the rain...
And when dago flat, dago "Wop wop wop!"
You are dead to me.

 

by boloboffin
11-27-07
Jeez, there's never an ATM when you want one...
RAY-RAY!
MELODY! Where's Thorn?
Thorn? I... Thorn's kinda tied up right now, why?
I'm telling you, Officer Nimrod, I'm a man. A man!!
OK! I got it. Jeez, transexualites sure can be pushy...

 

by boloboffin
11-27-07
Melody, I don't know how to put this...
You want me to stop seeing Thorn?
Uh, yeah.
You think Thorn's the wrong person for me, and there's some guy who'll be so much better for me?
Exactly!
Ray-Ray, you've made me the happiest woman on earth! YES!!

 

by boloboffin
11-28-07
This is SO EXCITING! Now I'm an ex-gay and you're an ex-lesbian!!
Ex-lesbian? What are you talking about?
You know, you and Thorn. Lesbians.
I'm not a... Thorn's a guy!!
I promise I'm a guy!! STRIP SEARCH ME!!!
Awww, does little baby girl need a prison mama?

 

by boloboffin
11-28-07
Welcome to the Republican YouTube Debate! I'm Anderson Cooper, and here are the candidates....
Hi, I'm Rudy Giuliani.
I'm John McCain.
Ah'm Mike Huckabee.
I'm Ron Paul.
And I'm Mitt Romney. Let the YouTube debate begin!

 

by boloboffin
11-28-07
And here we go!
WE ALL SUCK!!!
No, I'm kidding. Here we really go!

 

by boloboffin
11-28-07
The first question is to Rudy Giuliani...
Why the haill did you let NEW YAWRK CITY be a sactiary city? Are you gonna keep aidin and abettin them damn illegals!
New York wasn't a sanctuary city...
You sued to keep New York's status as a sanctuary city, you big ADULTERER!!!

Showing page 8.

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