All comics by boorite

Profile

 

by boorite
4-18-02
The birds have gone plumb crazy! What'll we do?
Let's cower in a creepy old house while they pick us off one by one until we go out of our minds.
Let's whine and cry and throw up.
Let's nag my no-good son until he says "fuck it" and tosses me to the crows.
Let's sneak out to our car and hope they don't go apeshit again in the meantime.
Let's put on a hockey mask and cut them to ribbons with a fucking weedwhacker!

 

by boorite
4-18-02
I'm going back to Charleston, back where I belong.
Please, please, take me with you.
No, I'm through with everything here. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace.
Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Frankly my dear, I don't give a bellowing Baltimore buttfuck.

 

by boorite
4-18-02
Mah momma says lahf is lahk a box uh chocklits...
...and they call ME the retarded one.

 

by boorite
4-24-02
If I wanted men in tights abusing each other, I'd go see a gay S&M show.
If I wanted a gay S&M show, I'd clock you with a folding chair and bend you over the ropes.
If I wanted you to clock me with a folding chair and bend me over the ropes, I'd have brought you roses.
If I... what?

 

by boorite
4-24-02
I will cooperate with your investigation. What is the charge?
Yew payple are tew stupid ta run a nukular plant.
Put the cuffs on me, Shamus.

 

by boorite
4-25-02
Uncle Dick, when I started my War Process on Evilosity, you said you had "top men" working on it. Who?
Top
men.

 

by boorite
4-27-02
War! What is it good for?
Raising my approval ratings!
Say it again, y'all! War! Huh! What is it good for?
Ramming my agenda through!
So not *absolutely* nothing, then?
Oh, not by a long shot!

 

by boorite
4-28-02
Change the world? I can't even change the spark plugs on my vibrator!
...spark plugs?

 

by boorite
5-29-02
Officer, I seem to be missing a blue Ford pickup.
Can you describe it?
It's a blue Ford pickup.
Color?

 

by boorite
6-03-02
Believeth on me!
HRAAAAAAAHHH!
I was already going to Hell for stealing cable.

 

by boorite
6-03-02
What? No sword? No shield?
My sword is God's word. My shield is God's love.
HRRAAAAAARRRHHH!
Your shield appears to suck major ass.

 

by boorite
6-04-02
Your wedding tackle's showing, lad.
Yep.

 

by boorite
6-04-02
Get in the car right now, motherfucker.
Ha ha. Fuck off. You don't have a weapon. You don't even have pants.
I have free beer and cable TV.
Right, let's go.

 

by boorite
6-04-02
There seems to be some guy on our sofa boozing it up and watching Wrestlemania.
That would be Brad. I kidnapped him!
Well, put him back. We don't need any hostages right now.
Aw, honey. you haven't even heard my plan!
I thought you were supposed to be mowing the lawn.
I got sidetracked.

 

by boorite
6-04-02
On your feet, Brad. My wife is giving you the old heave-ho.
Are we out of beer?
Not anywhere near.
It's a no, then.
Say, is that Hulk Hogan? I thought he was governor of Minnesota.
Aren't you supposed to be mowing the lawn?

 

by boorite
6-04-02
Officer, I need to report a kidnapping.
Where did you last see the victim?
Last see him? He's lounging around my living room. He won't fucking leave.
Victim's hair color?

 

by boorite
6-10-02
I've just hit the lottery!
That makes me so happy, I could just shit right here on the spot!
What a stroke of luck! For I am an avid coprophage.
Now I'm TOTALLY ECSTATIC.

 

by boorite
6-17-02
I was doin' OK-- club gigs, trade shows, voice-overs, cruise ships. Nothing big, but I got my laughs.
I worked my way up to this PC gig where I knock on the screen and act cute and offer friendly advice.
Suddenly, everyone hates the fucking paperclip.

 

by boorite
6-17-02
Who are you? What are you doing in my basement?
Drinking. And presenting you the Worst Father of the Year Award. But mostly drinking.
Me, a father? But...
Your wife skipped her pill. She's pregnant. Surprise! And I'm you, in the future.
You're what? Dear God, NOOOOOOO!
Come on, you were never a chick magnet to begin with.

 

by boorite
6-17-02
So sit right back, and you'll hear a tale, a tale of how you are destined to fail your children...
Wait a damned minute. You've got Male Pattern Baldness, and I don't. It skips a generation.
Plus, I'm a nice guy, not a whiskey-soaked derelict. How could I be you? How could I ever merit Worst Father?
See how you're making this all about YOU?

 

by boorite
6-17-02
I'm not buying this. How, specifically, did-- or will-- I-- or you-- fail my/our kids?
Right this way, into the Deep Dark Truthful Mirror... of the Future!
Kid, they say the sons inherit the sins of the fathers...
So I get hookers, booze, and your '71 Plymouth Hemi-Cuda?
Was that WRONG?

 

by boorite
6-17-02
Also, it's said we played favorites.
Pshaw! Never!
Dad, can I turn off the Bush Hog and get something for these wasp stings?
That back acre ain't gonna mow itself, home boy.
Dad, can I pelt Billy with these potatoes?
Use these onions. they throw better.

 

by boorite
6-17-02
So I'm self-involved, lax, manipulable, and partial to the girl. Big deal. I've seen fathers who BEAT their kids!
I don't know how to say this... you were elected Worst Father partly on the strength of your nomination letter.
Nomination letter? Who could have...
Honey? What are you doing down there?
OH, YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME!

 

by boorite
6-17-02
You're saying my own WIFE will nominate me Worst Father based on weak will and pathological narcissism?
Well, to be fair to her, you...
Honey, could you come up and feed the cats? I seem to be barfing again.
ONE MORE MINUTE, SWEETIE! I HAVE TO FINISH TALKING TO MYSELF!
You were saying?

 

by boorite
6-17-02
Three years, nine months later...
Take me to the park, Daddy!
The park is full of drug dealers, moppet. Why not play out front?
Daddy, gimme a Benjamin for an eight-ball!
What a silly girl! Here's three Benjamins, and get Daddy a lid of red-bud.

 

by boorite
6-26-02
We meet at last!
Poop.

 

by boorite
7-09-02
At the reference desk...
Sorry, we don't collect phone books anymore. You can use the 'net or call Directory Assistance.
Directory Assistance? What's that?
You know, 411.
How do I get that?
Dial 411.

 

by boorite
7-16-02
Rats! I shot Andy's maw!
We're there when you knead us!
These things usually go away after the first 3 bourbons.

 

by boorite
7-16-02
I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Jinx!

 

by boorite
7-18-02
Reed! Check out the fantastic powers I got from the cosmic rays. Flame on!
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!
So I guess it's the Fantastic Three, then?

 

by boorite
7-19-02
Line?

 

by boorite
7-23-02
I've invented a mind reading device.
Oh. Hey. Terrific.
"Moose cock?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?

 

by boorite
7-26-02
You'll be glad to know I've invented a Supercritical Fluid Chromatograph.
Can it open a twenty year old bottle of irradiated beer?
No, but it purifies combinatorial compound libraries at 20 to 100 times the rate of current systems.
Stupid fucking bug.

 

by boorite
7-29-02
This year, in Maryland...
Lawn seems a bit dry.
Last year...
The drought has officials worried. In terms of annual rainfall, we're ten inches behind.
I'll give ya ten inches behind! HAW!
The year before...
* blub *

 

by boorite
7-29-02
Daddy, Daddy! I found this old videotape cassette thing and it says "MY ROCK BAND '89!" I'm gonna see what's on it!
Oh fuck, Pumpkin, Daddy begs you not to play that shit!
IF TUNA FISH AND ICE CREAM JUST DON'T DO THE TRICK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME ROUND HERE AND EAT MY WIGGLY PRICK!
Daddy, I.... I... Daddy, a "Flying V?" What'd you think, you were fucking Aerosmith?
It was IRONY, Pumpkin, I swear!

 

by boorite
7-30-02
Ah, Rex, my trusty sidekick. I have a client coming at 3:30 for a meet.
MEAT.
Meet. his name is Harry Greaselicker, and...
HARRY GREASELICKER. HAW HAW HAW.
It is a rather humorous name.
SO YOU WANT I BACKGROUND HIM? OR JUST EAT HIS FUCKING HEAD?

 

by boorite
7-30-02
Oops, I bumped into the coffee maker. Sorry. In all the recent, uh, troubles, I've lost my glasses.
DICKHEAD.
MR. AT-LAW, MEAT IS HERE. BACKGROUND: NO RAP SHEET. BUT HE IS A DICKHEAD.
Thank you, Rex. Send him in.
Wow, your secretary is HOT.
Yes, it turns out they're endothermic. Fancy that. Now, your legal troubles?

 

by boorite
7-30-02
Not that kind of Brownie. I was dicking an antique camera.
You're a child molester.

 

by boorite
7-30-02
MR. AT-LAW TELLS ME TO EXCRETE YOUR SKELETON ONTO THE MULCH PILE IN THE BACKYARD.
Isn't there something you have to do first?
OH, YES! I HAVE TO EAT YOU.
Get to it, then.
Agh! No teeth! No teeth!

 

by boorite
7-30-02
Rex, my friend. I trust you are lying on the floor digesting the remains of our friend the child molester.
BALLS HURT.
We can still catch him. On your feet. Quick, into the Harveymobile!
MEAT.

 

by boorite
7-30-02
We can't allow a kiddy-fiddler to escape because of your negligence! Saddle up the emu!
YES, BOSS.
Hi-yo, Muscatel! And away!
Brawkle!
FINE. I'LL STAY HERE AND GUARD THE SOFA.

 

by boorite
7-31-02
BOSS! EMUS CAN'T FLY!
Now you tell uuuuuussssssssssss!
brrrraaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwkkkkkkk!

 

by boorite
7-31-02
I knew I could count on you, Rex. I could tell from the start you had ethics.
YOU'RE ON HER: MY CLIENT SAYS HE DIDN'T DO SHIT.
Mr. Spangler! This is a court of law.
That was a great defense. Sorry I kicked your sorry little nutsack earlier.
SHUT UP, CHILD MOLESTER. *oops*

 

by boorite
7-31-02
ANOTHER CASE SOLVED.
Solved? I'm behind bars, jackass!
BUT HERE YOU ARE SAFE FROM THE ANGRY, ANGRY DADDIES.
That's true. I hadn't thought of it that way...
Hey, fag mouth! What are you in for?
HE'S A CHILD MOLESTER!

 

by boorite
8-01-02
TIME TO QUESTION WITNESS. WE PLAY GOOD COP/BAD COP. I WILL BE "GOOD COP."
I always wanted to be "bad cop!" OK, you go first.
BBRRRAAAAAWWRR!
Christ on a Tilt-A-Whirl!
YOUR TURN.

 

by boorite
8-06-02
"WARNING: Use of this product will result in serious death or injury."
Legalspeak!

 

by boorite
8-06-02
GET OUT OF THE WAY, KID!
AIIIEEEEE!
I SAID GET OUT OF TH--
"SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING!" They weren't kidding!

 

by boorite
8-06-02
What do you get when you cross ObiJo with a tennis racket?
What?
Rotator cuff tendinitis!
That sounds painful.
Why would you want to do that, anyway?

 

by boorite
8-06-02
"WARNING! To take and put the earth wire not having a smart holding, a fatal eventuality may incur."
Wait a second. Do you have to take AND put the earth wire for the fatal eventuality to incur?
Yes, not having a smart holding.
So I could take it OR put it WITHOUT a smart holding, or I could take it AND put it WITH a smart holding.
Yes, OR you could accept the incurrence of a fatal eventuality.
This is the last time I order a marsupial centrifuge from Ikea.

 

by boorite
8-06-02
Damn, even these Cool Ranch Doritos come with a warning label: "Do not..."
"...under any circumstances..."
"...eat."

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »