All comics by christopher7murphy

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Mr. Owl? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsi Roll Tootsi-pop?
Ask Mr. Turtle. I'm sick of answering these lame ass riddles!
Well. Aren't you in a surly mood today?
Don't think I didn't see what you did!
How many licks will it take Mr. Turtle?
Just one. By then he'll realize you pooped on that little girl's Pop.

 

Batador? I am BATMAN! The Justice League is sueing you for copyright infringement.
Wonder Woman will be over soon to serve you papers. And you know what she'll do to you if you give her any trouble, don'tcha?
Amazon Hugs 'n Kisses!
Don't let the rope 'n thong fool you, bud!

 

Is it hot out here and did you just eat my testicles?
OK, first: YES it's hot out here! Second: I DID eat them.
And third: They are called POPCICLES!

 

Impressive! It says here, "this is the site where Moses Farted the Red Sea."
"FARTED?" No, it must be a typo.
Maybe...but it also says that God spoke to him through a "Burning Bubble."
What is the title of that book?
Farting Through the Bible (Travel Edition).

 

You do realize that you esentually farted in front of God?
heh heh..oh Excuse me, I didn't know it was His turn!
Yipes!
It's always His turn!

 

Carumba! It is Jesus! It must be another Omen!
I shall dress as a giant cross and....
Wait!
I just appeared to tell you to lay off the God farting jokes.

 

Hello? This is the office of Dr. Ubetcha. What seems to be the trouble?
Doctor! It's my wife's gambling problem. She hasn't made a bet in over two months!
That is a GOOD thing. She is learning to control her addiction.
But she tosses and turns in her sleep. She dreams about gambling! She's in agony!
How bad is it?
This morning, I farted...and a roll of nickles shot out my ass.

 

"I" before "E," except after "C!"
-psssst- get up.
-ehem- "I" before "E," except after "C!"
"I stand corrected!"

 

A quaint childhood memory of Christmas long past and the obsessive desire for a Red Ryder BBgun by the glow of soft porn light!
Arrrg! You'll shoot your eye out! -wink-wink-
by christopher7murphy, 12-14-06

 

So, what happened?
Reckless driving.
The perp crashed through the paper factory and then the adhesive warehouse across the street.
Any witnesses.
No, but we now have him on tape.

 

A whiney lil twit hopped up on diet pills runs around with brainless, heartless, cowardly men. All to get the attention of a guy with a big head, crushing and melting any Bitch that gets in her way!
And her little dog, too!
by christopher7murphy, 12-15-06

 

The Fly (1958)
Vicent Price pulls a Kevorkian assist and ROCKS his buddy's world and spoils a spider's lunch.
Good Gawd! Help me!
Dracula (1931)
Bela Lugosi puctures the jugular of a beautiful woman just to keep her as ANOTHER wife. Using hypnosis, he keeps the nagging at a minimum.
Good Gawd, YOU SUCK!
The Bride of Frankenstien (1935)
YOU smell PURTY...Arrrg!
Good Gawd, I'd rather marry a comic strip creator!

 

Love the new kitchen. Don't you?
OMYGAWD! I opened the pantry and saw the "Salad Dressing!" I'm soooo ashamed!
Silly! Thats an old joke!
But...
It was up the Chef's butt!

 

Groundhog Day
Weatherman, Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
..and he learns a very valuable lesson.
Groundhog Day
Weatherman, Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
..and he learns a very valuable lesson.
Groundhog Day
Weatherman, Bill Murray relives the same day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
....and thank God it isn't Ghost Busters Two, again!

 

Terminator One
An exciting new premise in action movies.
I'll Be Bauck!
Terminator Two
A worthy follow up to the original.
I Told you I'd be Bauck!
Terminator Three
Why?
I just came Bauck for the money...and to feed my ego.

 

T'was the night after Christmas, and Santa was a little horn-dog! Santa's bells had turned blue, as he rubbed his Yule Log.
Ho Ho Ho!
"I'm feelin' the urge!" said Santa, "and I'm plain tuckered in!" "But I could slide down one more chimney," as he flashed her a grin.
Did you call for me, Santa?
"WOW," said Carol...the Christmas Hooker elf. "Did you wrap that package all by yourself?"
Well...flying past open windows may have had a little to do with it.
-tee hee-

 

Twentythree minutes later, and a squeal of delight. Carol got her present that horny Christmas Night.
Santa adjusted his belt, and straightened his hat. He winked at Carol, and gave her fanny a pat.
"I must be off!" Santa exclaimed, shaking his belly full of blubber.
See you next year! (I sure hope you wore a rubber!)

 

What happened:
Here is a reciept from another store! Here is is my reciept! HERE is the sticker on the book! Here is A QUOTE from another store! etc, blah, blah...
I'm not sure what he wants? Does he want full refund? Credit? Is he bragging? He found the book cheaper at that other store?
All he needed to say:
It looks like I was over charged.
Ohhh..I'm sorry, let me fix that for you.
What shoulda happened:
Here is a reciept from another store! Here is is my last reciept! HERE is the sticker on the book! Here is A QUOTE from another store! etc, blah, blah...
Why's he wearing that bunny suit?

 

Do you have the book, "Last Toot in the House"?
Yes..that's in our Biography section, I'll go get....
No...It WOULDN'T be there. You see, yesterday I hid it on another shelf because I couldn't afford it then and you had one copy left.
...and now I forgot where I put it. Why won't YOU help me! You're a Book Store, AINTCHA?
Well...your little trick worked a bit TOO well, toots!

 
Whoa! Did you see the PERCH on that guy?
Who?

 

Carumba! It's my new partner in crime fighting! Captain B.S.
What dasterdly doings will we be undoing today, Ol' Chum?
Mooo! I'm a cow damit!
Why do we live in a cave?

 

Hey Ned, I've got another letter for you. It's from N.E. Butthole...HEY! What gives? You mailed a letter to YOURSELF?
Nahh!
I'm not just Any Butthole....
I'm his son!

 

I am BATador! I live in a cave. My doctor tells me I am addicted to jam. But at least I have a rich fantasy life!
Yep. Lucky me.

 

Hello. Is this Superman?
um...yes.
As in faster than a speeding bullet: Superman? More powerful than a locomotive: Superman? Able to leap over TALL buildings: Superman?
um...yes.
Do you want to come over and PLAY?
-click-

 

Hello? Is this The BATador?
Yes. Yes it is.
Is your refrigerator running?
Why...yes, yes it is!
Well....you better go CATCH IT! -click-
Curse you, Joker!

 

Na na na na na na na na na! Na na na na na bloop na na!
Oh..that's right! Sounds like quite the adventure! Well...it was nice talking to you. Bye.
Hey, Aquaman. Who was that?
That fool -BATador!
What in the world was he saying?
Who knows what the hell he's talkin' about. He says that "na na na" crap and the fool thinks he's talking fish language.

 

OY! A door! It must be an OMEN! I must strike fear into the hearts of evil...
I will be known as....
...I...I shall be known as BataDOOR!
Who knocked?

 

There are only three things in this life I need for complete happiness...but I don't know what they are.
Well....one thing you need is to get your head out of your ass and get your freakin' act together!
Okay, now it's four things.

 

Are you the world famous BATador? Defender of the weak? Practitioner of bad penmenship?
Yes. Yes I am.
Prepare to meet your maker!
Yay! I've got a letter from Mom!

 

That's nice, dear.
I got it, Mom! I got your letter! Yay!
I don't get it. If he likes mail, why doen't he just write her back?
Take a look around Postal Boy...
This is a Bat Cave and he keeps a Bull as a partner. Would YOU want to lick a stamp around here?

 

I can never play chess with you again. I've heard about your CHECKERED past.
I swear! I'm a changed board!
by christopher7murphy, 12-20-06

 

Aww, Honey. The other Superheroes won't play with you? And the Super-Villians are picking on you?
-sniff- yeh.
Do you want to come over?
-snif-
I have jam.
There's JAM!?

 

Welcome to Audass City.
Amuck, amuck, amuck!
Amuck.
This is Audass City Hall.
Amuck, etcetera even!
And this is Audass City Mayor.
Mr. Mayor! Crime is running amuck! The public is in uproar. What shall we do?
I say Screw 'em!

 

At Audass City Hall, the Mayor and his assistant discuss crime in the city.
Burglers continue to burgle, muggers continue to mug, and the public continue to babble, Sir
We could put more money into our police force or send for BATador (world famous crime fighter.)
Nonsence! We spend thirty thousand dollars to form a commitee to study the problem.
BATador works for free.
Okay...call him...then we can spend SIXTY thousand on the commitee!

 

The Amuck Brothers meet at the lair.
Hey Mugsy! Bad news. The Mayor's putting in a call to BATador to stop crime in Audass City!
No worries, Andrew. We are now ISO 2007 approved. No one can touch us!
Mugsy! Andrew! You march upstairs and rinse out those crusty milk glasses, right this instant!
You heard the boss! I'll document the milk glasses and you go pilch ten bucks from her purse.
You got it Mugs.

 

Audass City Hall. A dismal day, indeed.
So, how do we contact this BATador?
Through the Pipe Line, Sir.
Today is Thursday, so if everyone in the building flushes every toilet at the same time....BATador will know that there is trouble.
How in the world will that work.
It's burrito day in the commesary.

 

Hey. There's something wrong with the toilet. I think I plugged it.
Did you jiggle the handle?
Of course!
CARUMBA! Then the Mayor must need me! Get the car, Captain B.S.
You go without me. I gotta go again. I had the burritos for lunch.

 

MOM! It's official! I got my first call on the Pipe Line. The Mayor NEEDS me!
That's nice, Dear.
Just imagine. My first super case. I'm finally going to prove myself.
I'm so proud of you, Dear.
Can I get a ride, Mom?
Sure, Dear. As soon as my hair is set.

 

Carumba! Soon, I will be on my very first Super-Hero case. Then NOTHING can stop me!
Hahhah! I will stop you!
Who are you?
I'm a Political Corrections Officer. And you are charged with being a "mentally challenged matador!" You portray Mexicans in a bad stereotype!
But I'm NOT a mentally challenged Mexican...... I'm from Canada.
Oh...then carry on.

 

How did Christmas go? Get any good stuff?
Eh! All my freinds think they know me...so I got twelve copies of "Superman Returns" on DVD. And a copy of "Animal House."
Well..they OBVIOUSLY know what you like. I happen to know you LOVE Superman.
But I don't own a television.
Well..they make GREAT frisbees!

 

The Mayor of Audass City awaits BATador!
It sure is taking a long time for this BATador to respond. Should we flush all the toilets again?
We can't. Activating the Pipe Line only works when they serve burritos in the cafeteria, sir.
What good is this "Pipe Line" technique, anyway.
Well...I did notice there was apple strudel in the lobby.
Hey! My wife made that!
Well..it might work "in a PINCH!"

 

Why haven't you gone yet? The Mayor is waiting.
You know I don't have a license. I'm waiting for Mom to come get me. Unless...do you want to drive me?
Sorry. Diareah. Bad! You might even call it, "the runnings of the bull."
ALWAYS with the poop jokes? Sheesh!

 

Bye, Mom! Thanks for the ride.
So THIS is Audass City.
It looked smaller on the post card.

 

Pardon me, but can you tell me the way to the Mayor's office?
Give me all your money!
What? you want all my money? Just to get directions in Audass City?
Say...aren't you some kind of Super-Hero? We don't get many of you in the city.
At the prices you charge, can you actually be surprised?

 

Wait! You...you are...BATador?
Why, yes. Yes I am.
And you are here to clean up the streets of Audass City?
That's what I hope. The city sent an emergency call on the Pipe Line. Who are you?
I'm..um..I'm...um, the Mayor!
Your Honor! I got here as soon as I could. (You sounded older on the toilet.)

 

I wonder how much it would cost to get directions to a jam sandwhich?
I know what you're thinking. Why would anyone vote for a mayor when his last name is "Amuck."
Well..I changed it. My real name was ...um...Bootollie! But I wanted to be alphabeticly on top of the ballot
GENIUS!
-shweww!-

 

Mugsy takes BATador to the Legion of Gloom:
So, you convinced him that you are the Mayor of Audass City? Mugsy, you're diabolical!
Heh heh. Thanks, Andrew. I told him to wait for us in the living room and we....
WAIT. You left him...UPSTAIRS! Alone? With the boss?
-gulp- Was that wrong?
So you must be Mother Amuck?
Of course! I run things around here. Now wipe your feet...and close that door! What do you do...live in a cave or something?

 

Mother Amuck, I must be going. It is time for me to clean up crime in the streets.
Oh, no, no no! I'm afraid you will NOT be leaving!
-gasp-
You have an appointment with my boys. You mustn't disappoint Mother Amuck!
You go down to the play room. I'm going to call your mother and tell her you are here. So she doesn't worry, the poor dear.

 

Andrew! You boys take BATador and teach him a lesson that he will NEVER-ever-EVER forget! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
-sigh- Do you wanna play Risk?
I'm the RED ARMY!

 

I win AGAIN! I took your entire continent! Yay!
That's not fair! You always attack me. You NEVER attack Mugsy!
But..I can't attack him. He's the Mayor.

Showing page 8.

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