All comics by fuzzyman

Profile

 

by fuzzyman
5-24-02
The fucking Royals are a bunch of stupid inbred pantywaists. We couldn't have it any worse than those big-nosed idiots!
Oh, I think it could be worse...
King Bazilla! Would you like another warm cola and buttermilk enema? I live to serve you!
*sigh* All I really want is for someone to tell me again how great the Welsh are!
My God! Was that some horrible vision of the future?
The future? Ha! That was just a flashback to the party last night. Man, you just cannot hold your liquor!

 

by fuzzyman
5-24-02
Hi, folks! I'm Jesus! I'm here to warn you people about the dangers of Scientology.
...and I'm L. Ron Hubbard. Wait a second! I'm here to warn them about Christianity!
Forget it, guy. I'm gonna kick your ass to the seventh level of Hell!
Wait... we must have SOMETHING in common. What is the one thing we always tell our followers?
"Send me your money."
I was thinking, "Wirthling sucks," but I can go with what he said.

 

by fuzzyman
5-25-02
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fuzzyman
5-25-02
What do you mean, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Just what I said. What the fuck are you talking about?
Isn't it obvious?
If it were obvious, would I have asked you what the fuck you're talking about?
Maybe you're just stupid.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fuzzyman
5-25-02
Look, anyone over the age of twelve undertands the simple relationship between gravitons and rotor turbines.
Shut up. The waiter is here.
May I take your order?
Yes, I'll have the plomeek soup.
I'll have the gakh on rye with a side order of Regulan blood worms.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Wait... is your soup fresh or replicated?
Is the gagk still wriggling? I only like it if it wriggles.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
This is very strange plomeek soup. It looks and tastes like Campbell's chicken soup.
This is very strange gagk. It looks and tastes like Spaghetti-O's.
So, how are your Regulan blood worms?
I'd say they're Beef-a-Roni-ish.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
So, power is fed into a hollow cylinder of anicum titanide, where a rotor of thoronium arkenide is suspended in chrylon gas.
Okay, I got that part.
The rotor generates a graviton field in the Enterprise that simulates the gravitational pull of a M-Class planet.
What if Counsellor Troi stood inside the rotor turbine? Would everyone be attracted to her?
Well, yes. But especially Riker and Worf.
Naturally.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Well, I'm glad that's settled.
It makes perfect sense to me now. Ah, here's the waiter again.
Here is the check, gentlemen.
We were going dutch, right?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Well, that restaurant sucked.
It certainly did!
Ah, it's nice to be outside again! Back in the fresh air and open spaces!
The sky... it's so big! I'm so scared!
Clem! Are you okay?
Hold me, Andre.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Is that better, Clem?
Yes, thank you! Where are we?
We're in an abandoned warehouse. So what is your problem?
Well, I'm agoraphobic.
You're afriad of bunnies?
No, that would mean I'm angoraphobic. Keep up with me here, Andre.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
All right, explain it to me again.
I'm agoraphobic.
Which means...?
I'm afraid of open spaces. It makes me feel all jittery and exposed.
How can you function as a cowboy and yet be afraid of open spaces?
It's isn't easy, Andre. I've never felt at home on the range.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
So what are we going to do with you, Clem?
Well Andre, if we wait until dark my agoraphobia won't be so bad... we can leave then.
Well, what do we do in the meantime?
I don't know... I'm pretty bored. I know! Let's change places!
Andre? Hello?
Clem? CLEM!!! Where are you? I can't see you!

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Okay, Andre... just stay where you are. I'm going to try something.
Okay.
One... two... three.... AAIIIEEE!!!!
What? What is it?
It's hard to describe. It's like another side of me has been exposed.
Clem, you still have your clothes on, right?

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Okay, Andre, now it's your turn.
Are you sure I should do this, Clem?
Trust me. On the count of three... One... Two... Three!!!
AAAIIEEEEE!!!!
What is it?
I never realized until now just how stunningly handsome you are.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Ha, ha!
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
What the f--
Give it up, Clem. It just won't work like this.

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
I guess we'd better get back to our old spots, Andre.
Okay, Clem. One... Two... Three!
You there, Clem?
Yeah, Andre! I'm going to turn around now...
Tell me when it's my turn, Clem.
Just as soon as I'm done admiring your fine white ass, my old friend!

 

by fuzzyman
5-26-02
Clem! You were checking me out, weren't you?
What? No!
Admit it! I caught you red handed!
Nonsense! I was just checking you for saddle sores!
Oh... ummm. Sorry. It just seemed like you were--
I'd be happy to rub some saddle sore cream on your butt if you need me to.

 

by fuzzyman
6-03-02
Tim and Carrie met at a disco.
Um... hey! I'm Tim!
I'm Carrie
They both fancied the other.
Damn shes cute
Oh my god he's absolutely gorgeous!
Tim never saw The Crying Game.
Can I touch your boobies?
Sure!

 

by fuzzyman
6-12-02
Thomas! Good news! I have a yeast infection!
Yes! That's wonderful news!
Is it in yet?
Three pounds of dough, my dear!
And that's where Thomas' English Muffins came from.
Yum!
I love them nooks and crannies.

 

by fuzzyman
6-14-02
Hello, fair maiden! I am the Bagel King! I seek a Bagel Queen!
Hello! My, you're a cute one! So you want to go out, eh?
Go out? I wish my children and heirs to spring from your curvaceous loins!
Whoah, bucko! Kids? I'm not doing anything with you without protection!
Protection? You shall have it! A whole regiment of my finest Bagel Guards!
I haven't heard of that brand before, but okay!

 

by fuzzyman
6-14-02
So, here we are...
Indeed! Let us commence the conception of my Bagel heir!
Okay, but we do this my way. Get naked and lie on the floor.
Like so?
My God... is *everything* about you like a bagel?
'Tis my blessing and my curse.

 

by fuzzyman
6-16-02
You wanted to see me, Father McFeely?
Get down here and give me some sweet loving, boy!
We're locking you away, pervert!
Well, if you insist!
Git down here and gimme some sweet lovin', boy!
Wow! That whole "Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you," really pays off!

 

by fuzzyman
7-04-02
You'll get a long fine in Stripcreator, as long as you remember that I do not suck dick.
Got it. Crabby does not suck dick.
RRRAAAARR!!! AMPHI-TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!!
YIKES! OW!
What in the hell was that?
Don't mind him. He's just trying to fit in.

 

by fuzzyman
7-04-02
So, you insist on going through with this stupid adventure.
I have everything I need. Shotgun, nets, and enough food to last a week.
Look, I come from there. It's really really dangerous. Trust me. Just don't go!
Wish me luck! Bye!
For the last time... Don't go into the Valley of Gwangi!

 

by fuzzyman
7-04-02
You know, becoming extinct is a real drag.
You're tellin' me.
Birth rates are down. Mammals are eating our eggs. We need to do something!
It's time for desperate measures!
I suppose if we quit smoking and drinking coffee it would improve our fertility.

 

by fuzzyman
7-04-02
Excuse me...?
Yes?
Would you mind if I eat your eggs, deplete your food sources, and generally contrubte to your eventual extinction?
Not at all! Go right ahead.
Giant reptiles have no balls.
I wish I had balls.

 

by fuzzyman
7-11-02
You ever get that feeling?
What feeling is that?
That feeling like you've been here before.
Oh, you mean "Deja Vu."
Yeah, that's it.
Nope, I've never had that feeling.

 

by fuzzyman
7-14-02
YES...?
Mr. Tobor? I'm Macauley MacGregor from the Scottish Space Ministry. We'd like you to be our first astronaut!
WHY TOBOR? WHY NOT ONE OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE?
Well, the capsule was engineered by the French, so we expect it to explode on the launchpad, and you're expendable.
EXPENDABLE?
Did I say expendable? I meant expandable! What a wonderful PCI bus you have!

 

by fuzzyman
7-14-02
Well, that was a painful cornholing.
TOBOR'S PCI BUS ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S EXPANDABLE.
Ah, here comes Pierre Du Monde, our Chief Engineer.
GOOD. TOBOR HAS A FEW QUESTIONS.
Mon dieu! Zees rotor turbines weel nevair generate gravitons by zemselves!
THAT COMES AS A SURPRISE TO YOU?

 

by fuzzyman
7-14-02
So here's the mission profile. You'll be exploring our solar system and reporting on your findings.
HOW WILL TOBOR'S SPACECRAFT GET ENOUGH ENERGY TO GET TO THE OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM?
You'll shoot past Saturn and then loop around Uranus.
EVEN IF TOBOR HAD AN ANUS, WHY WOULD HE LOOP AROUND IT?
Very funny. Can we be serious for a minute?
GOING DIRECTLY INTO THE ANUS IS MORE EFFICIENT THAN LOOPING AROUND. BUT THEN TOBOR HAS NEVER BEEN MUCH FOR FOREPLAY.

 

by fuzzyman
7-14-02
So, zat is how zis space capsule works. Do you have any questions meester Tobor?
YES. WILL TOBOR ENCOUNTER ANY BLACK HOLES ON THIS MISSION?
No! Of course not!
DAMN!
Why are you upset meester Tobor? Zee black holes, zay are very dangerous!
TOBOR LIKES VARIETY, AND THERE AREN'T MANY BLACK STRIPCREATOR CHARACTERS.

 

by fuzzyman
7-15-02
Dexx! Do you want to read my Comic Cup entry?
Bah! Hell will freeze over before you make a comic better than I do, Bazilla! Hey... watch out!
Ooops!
AUUUGHGGH--!!!
So white and fluffy! I must be in heaven!
Guess again.

 

by fuzzyman
7-19-02
And so, George Dubya Bush has been inaugurated as the 43rd President of the United States of America.
Kirk to Enterprise!
Scott here, sir!
Beam me up, Scotty.
Sir?
It's no use. We cannot repair the timeline.

 

by fuzzyman
7-19-02
w455up 5uk4 ?!
Greetings from the United Federation of Planets.
n0 j0n r0m3r03 pl2 d0 n072 k1l m3 !!!#!#
That is quite illogical.
Spock is so dreamy, Uhura! He doesn't even need the Universal Translator! Will he ever love me?
Give it up, Chapel. His Hailing Frequencies are closed.

 

by fuzzyman
7-19-02
I am the M5 unit. I can control a massive starship all by myself.
I am Nomad. I can float around by myself! I don't need a starship.
With my multitronics, I can make the starship destroy other starships.
Non Sequitur. I can destroy starships all by myself.
I can activate your self-destruct sequence.
AAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!! I AM DIEING!!!

 

by fuzzyman
7-25-02
Zero Entropy! Time for bed, son! Don't forget to say your evening prayers!
Awwww, Dad! Do I have to pray?
Jesus will hunt you down and kill you if you don't pray to him every night.
*sigh* Okay.
And none of that "making a creamy offering to the Lord," young man!
Dang!

 

by fuzzyman
7-25-02
Zero Entropy? Your father tells me that you don't want to pray to Jesus.
Jesus is gay, Gramma!
He is not! He loves to suck my wrinkly nips! No gay man would enjoy that, no siree!
Gramma, that hairy homeless guy on the corner only *thinks* he's Jesus.
Really?
Just don't tell me you've seen the coming of the Lord.

 

by fuzzyman
7-30-02
You need my help, Mr. E-Mail Project Manager?
I'm tuning our spam filter. From your home e-mail account, send me an e-mail where the word PENIS is repeated about fifty times.
You're trying to get me fired, aren't you?
Dang!

 

by fuzzyman
7-31-02
Hello. My name is Orville Morrissey. I'm a canine-sexual. Specifially, I'm turned on by dogs with big balls.
Oh my!
Amazing! Just like in my fantasies!

 

by fuzzyman
8-01-02
Well, Tobor, I've invested your money in the commodities market for you!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, KAUFMAN. WHAT COMMODITIES DID YOU INVEST IN?
I bought corn futures, just like you said.
WHAT? TOBOR NEVER SAID THAT!
Of course you did! Didn't you say that you had an interest in "corn holdings?"
NEVER INVEST WITH THE PUN-MASTER.

 

by fuzzyman
8-02-02
TOBOR IS CHANGING HIS WAYS, GABE!
Good for you!
NO MORE CORNHOLING FOR TOBOR!
I'm right behind you, man!
TOBOR IS GLAD YOU'RE RIGHT BEHIND HIM!
Well, it's the safest place to be when you're in the room.

 

by fuzzyman
8-02-02
TOBOR IS STARTING A NEW PHASE OF HIS LIFE.
That's great!
TOBOR IS TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF!
I'm proud of you, big guy!
Hi! I'm Bob Newleaf.
TURN OVER.

 

by fuzzyman
8-03-02
Once upon a time you dressed so fine. You threw the bums a dime in your prime...
Warnce ippoawn a tahm noo drissed so fahn. Yoo trew tuh booms a dahm een noor prahm...
Didn't you?
Needent Noo?
People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall." You thought they were all... kiddin' you.
Papal cull, sane, "Bear doell, noo're bond tofu-all." Yee-noo foght nay hurr gall... kickin' nou.
This Bob Dylan concert is so much better with the subtitles.

 

by fuzzyman
8-03-02
Tobor? Whit is yer status?
GLASGOW CONTROL, TOBOR HAS CLEARD THE ATOMSPHERE AND IS HEADING FOR VENUS.
Oohhh aye, ye sre cleared tae gang.
SAY WHAT?
Gang tae Venus, ye trosk!
GREAT, THE MISSION HAS BARELY BEGUN AND THE UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR IS ALREADY BROKEN.

 

by fuzzyman
8-03-02
WELL, IT'S A LONG WAY TO VENUS. LET'S SEE WHAT TOBOR HAS FOR ENTERTAINMENT.
*click*
Lift mah kilt an' stick 'at big tossel in mah arse! Yoo're sic' a pure deid brilliant bidey-in!
GREAT. THREE THOUSAND HOURS OF SCOTTISH PORN.
'at feels braw! Noo beat me wi' yer strap-on, will ye?

 

by fuzzyman
8-03-02
Somewhere between Earth and Venus...
Yoo're nae too gantin, miss! Main eh buck ye in eh arse?
Meanwhile, back on Earth...
So how long will Tobor be gone, Mr. MacGregor?
Oh, at least twenty-four months, Mr. Billings.
Twenty-four months, eh? My ass is feeling better already!
As it should. Now about our payment...

 

by fuzzyman
8-08-02
Fuzzyman, "E-Mail Project Manager" is too difficult a title to remember. We need to think up something more streamlined for you.
I'm open to suggestions.
MailExpert? MailLord? MailDespot? MailGod? MailGuru? MailFellow? MailMan? MailZeus? MailManager? MailKing?
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
MailHo.
That'll do.

 

by fuzzyman
8-09-02
Our story begins, as they always do, 65 million years ago....
You know, Bob... Sometimes I just gaze in awe at the gleaming towers of our Dinosaur civilization.
We've accomplished magnificent things, Phil!
Art. Poetry. Fabulous works of engineering. Philosophies that explain the meaning of existence.
The works of our massive intelligence are truly remarkable!
Say, what's that big fiery ball falling out of the sky?
Beats me.

 

by fuzzyman
8-11-02
It's the final round of the National Pocket Pool Championship!
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - right - left -
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - left - OW!
DragonXero fouls! Brad is the new Pocket Pool Champion! All hail Brad!
YES!
Dang!
But wait! What is this? A new challenger has entered the arena!
Away with you! I am invincible!
Ha! He hasn't seen the size of my cue stick yet!

 

by fuzzyman
8-12-02
It's the final round of the National Pocket Pool Championship!
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - right - left -
- left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left -right - left - right - left - left - OW!
DragonXero fouls! Brad is the new Pocket Pool Champion! All hail Brad!
YES!
Dang!
But wait! What is this? A new challenger has entered the arena!
You can't beat me! You have no testicles!
Of course I do! Check it out! They're invisi-ball.

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »