All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
9-16-01
Yes?
Welcome cock.
I mean wagon.
Damn.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
Brad... I know you're trying hard to embrace all these newbies, but do you think it was a good idea to invite them to the party?
Chill out, Cockadile Hunter. What've you got against newbies?
One of those buggers shit on my wife's favorite rug!
Sometimes you need to be tolerant of everyone, no matter how hard they screw up. We all have problems, Dexx.
Umm... You shit on the rug, didn't you?
Yes.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
What is it?
A letter from that Aussie bloke. 'Dear Dan, I'm sorry your cat fell into my chipper shredder.'
'Next time maybe you should return my cricket ball a little more speedily. PS - Now you have anthrax.'
Boy, that hurts.
Fucking kids these days! What happened to flaming bags of poop?

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
Ok, Dr. K and the Mental Mensans. You're on in five. Better get your guitar and stow the pet.
I don't have a guitar. I actually play my cat.
How the fuck do you play a cat?
Oh, there's some stomping involved.
I see.
She can really belt out a tune when she's in the dryer. But we couldn't get it in the van.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
Where the hell are we?
I'm not sure. Maybe some alternate dimension.
Wait a minute... You didn't by chance eat any of those brownies boorite brought into work, did you?
I had a couple. Why?
It's all becoming clear.
I can see through the floor.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
BBLAAATTT! SPRRRLLLLTTTTT! FLOOOSH! PPBBBBLLTH!!
Hey, Kramer! How's it going in there? You don't sound too good.
I think I just shit out part of my intestine! What the hell was in that hot chocolate?
Just a superlaxative, like you asked for.
SUPERLATIVE, you dumb fuck! Not superlaxative. Christ, can't you read?
Whoops. My bad.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
Say Wirthling... Nice housewarming party you got here.
Thanks for coming, Billings. Have a seat, grab some hot cocoa.
Better not. I wouldn't want to overheat, what with the warming and all.
The house isn't really going to get warmer. That's just a figure of speech.
Oh. Then I guess I shouldn't have set the bathroom on fire.
I hate you.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
I can knit a sweater.
I can fill it better.
I can process data at two teraflops, bend iron girders and shoot lasers out of my eyes.
You win.

 

by gabe_billings
9-17-01
Last week my uncle saw a billboard.
It said 'Drink Canada Dry'.
So he went up there.

 

by gabe_billings
9-18-01
TOBOR WILL CO.... -beep-. CLONK!
Aha! I, Captain Lope Ass have bested you! Maybe next time you'll heed the Energizer bunny and freshen up your powerplant before taking on the likes of me!
Moron! Tobor's power cells are reading zero! Did you change the batteries last night like I asked?
Oh. I thought you said 'Chain the bat to Rhys'. No wonder he was so annoyed.
Exactly how much flaying did you want Dr. Rosenberg to have?
Oh, just until most of the bone is showing. And save Mittens a finger or two if one falls off.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
Well zippy, did you finish my homework?
Actually I spent the day surfing the internet. I think I might have found free will.
What the hell good is that? What I really need is a llama that speaks the binary language of moisture evaporators.
What you need is to stop spewing obscure pop culture references and read a book once in a while, you git.
You're poopy.
Oh, that hurt.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
*YAWN!* Good morning Zip... HOLY CRAP! How'd you get so big?
Didn't you listed to that spooky old Chinese man from whom your parents bought me? He told you not to feed me Cool Ranch Doritos.
I didn't think a few would hurt.
This is nothing. You really want to see something cool go get me some Macanudos, a bottle of Jamesons and a copy of Hustler.
What'll happen to you then?
I'll probably get shitfaced and pass out.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
RAAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CO...
CUT! Tobor, this just isn't working. You've lost your pizaazz. I'm afraid I'm goint to have to let you go.
BUT TOBOR FINALLY GOT A TRAILER BIGGER THAN BEN AFFLECK.
Tobor has also gotten a big head and asks for too much money. We've found a cheaper replacement.
ACTION!
raaar! tobor will cornhole you!

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
What's shaking, big man? How was the set today? You bang that makeup chick or what?
TOBOR WAS FIRED TODAY AND REPLACED WITH CHEAP JAPANESE IMPORT.
That must be why the repo guys came today and took the Bentley and the Hummer. I tried to stop them but I was drunk.
TOBOR JUST HAD P DIDDY AIRBRUSHED ON HUMMER. AT LEAST TOBOR STILL HAS CORVETTE.
Yeah, about that. I was kinda strung out on coke today and wrecked that in Big Topanga Canyon.
TOBOR NEEDS A MOMENT ALONE.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
Shit, the last thing you need right now is to go in your room and weep like a little bitch.
TOBOR'S LIFE IS FALLING APART WHILE HE WATCHES.
It's better to burn out than fade away. You got some cash left. Let's blow it on booze and hookers.
TOBOR THINKS THAT IDEA SOUNDS A LITTLE IRRESPONSIBLE. MAYBE TOBOR SHOULD CALL HIS MOMMY.
That's exactly the kind of thing a pantywaisted little wuss would say. Grab your coat while I go steal our neighbor's car.
TOBOR HAS BEEN SHAMED INTO ACTION. LET'S GO.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
All right, crankshaft. Prepare to forget all your troubles. Let me go talk to the man.
TOBOR IS HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS PLAN.
WHAZZZUP, NIGGA!
Shit, MC Clango. Whaddup, money? You want them four chicks with the baseball bats to work you over like last time?
Maybe later. Right now my man Tobor is in mope central and he needs a little loving. He just got fired; maybe you cut him a deal?
I know I didn't just hear your bitch ass ask for a discount.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
Damn, you're a big one. If you break any part of me it's an extra $500.
TOBOR HAS NEVER DONE THIS KIND OF THING BEFORE. MAYBE TOBOR WOULD FEEL BETTER IF HE TALKED FOR A WHILE.
...so when he was done with the story he started sobbing like a baby. Then he threw up in the corner and ran through the wall. That's the last I saw of him.
Damn, maybe he was worse off than I thought. Say, there uh... wouldn't be any uh, money left in the meter, if you catch my drift?
No. And you owe me $1500 for a new wall.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
You won't believe what I found! There's this robot passed out in the field behind my house!
No way! Let's go check it out!
HOLY SHIT! There really is a robot here.
I told you so.
Let's pee on him.
Ok.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
OHH... TOBOR FEELS AWFUL. WHERE IS TOBOR?
You're out in the field behind my barn. I'd say you slept here last night. And you don't smell none too good, either.
TOBOR'S HEAD HURTS. WHAT HAPPENED?
Well I'm no Sherlock Homes. But from the looks of things in the barn and the scratches on you I'd guess you tried to hump my prize bull, and when that didn't work took a hankering for my tractor.
TOBOR IS VERY SORRY FOR THE TROUBLE HE CAUSED.
Well that's just fine. Maybe you'd like to come back to my place and help me get the bull off the roof of the barn.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
So you're looking for work, eh? What do you do?
TOBOR WAS RECENTLY EMPLOYED AS A BIGSHOT HOLLYWOOD ACTOR.
What do I look like? Steven fucking Spielburg? Anything else you know how to do?
TOBOR SPENT THE EARLIER PART OF LIFE CRUSHING HUMANS AND DESTROYING THINGS.
Now that's what I'm talking about. How'd you like to go talk to people that owe me money and convince them it would be in their best interests to pay?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A JOB TOBOR CAN SINK HIS TEETH INTO. WHEN DOES TOBOR START?

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
Yeah, look Johhny B... I'm a little short right now but I should be gettin' paid on Friday and maybe I can get the money to you then.
TOBOR THINKS HE HAS PART OF YOUR CAT STUCK TO HIS FOOT. OH, AND TOBOR THINKS YOU OWE JOHNNY B $650.
Holy shit! You just knocked down my fucking door!
...AND HE FINALLY FOUND THE MONEY WHEN TOBOR WAS SQUEEZING HIS HEAD. TOBOR FORGOT HOW EASILY HUMANS POP.
You got moxie, kid. Stick with me and we'll go all the way.

 

by gabe_billings
9-19-01
I read in the paper that you're starting Arse Monk training soon. Is it too late to sign up?
Have you had any previous training in the martial arts?
I've seen all of Jackie Chan's movies. Oh, and I can break a stack of cinder blocks with my head.
That doesn't have any sort of adverse effects?
I read in the paper that you're starting Arse Monk training soon. Is it too late to sign up?
Yes.

 

by gabe_billings
9-20-01
All right, maggots. What is the first rule of fight club?
Wear clean socks. Wait, no... wear a tie.
Bring a dish to pass?
Fear, surprise, a ruthless effeciency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope?
No big saggy bitch tits unless you're Meatloaf?
Eight?

 

by gabe_billings
9-20-01
The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.
Oh yeah? Well the first law of robotics says that a robot may not harm a human being, or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
Really?
Damn straight.
You're out.

 

by gabe_billings
9-20-01
RIGHT THERE. YES, TOBOR THINKS YOU GOT IT.
Aw, somebody just jammed gum into your parallel port.
BUNCH OF SAVAGES IN THIS TOWN.
Shit. You're telling me. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
TOBOR IS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO GET A WAFFLE?
You're on, big guy.

 

by gabe_billings
9-20-01
This morning this old man came in with a severe case of constipation. I had to manually disimpact him. I wore two pair of gloves and I still can't get the smell off my fingers.
Eeeeewww...
Then later we had a guy come in that was hit by a cement truck. We did CPR on him for about half an hour 'till pieces of his brain started coming out his nose.
Wow.
So what did you do today?
I made a Flash animation of a monkey using the computer.

 

by gabe_billings
9-21-01
Well Sherri Lewis and Lambchop were great, weren't they ladies and gentlemen? Next up is Wirthling the Magnificent!
Unfortunately folks, I'm not very talented, so I won't be doing any singing or dancing. But I've got another little number you might like.
I've got this Minuteman III intercontinental ballistic missile which I'm going to ram completely and totally up my ass.

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
And for my grand finale I, Wirthling the Magnificent, will make Gabe disappear from within this crate, nestled in the maw of this massive hydraulic press!
Are you sure this thing is safe?
ALAKAZAAAM! PRESTO CHANGO!
Anyone have a mop?

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
How's the drinking contest going?
It's hard to say. Between the two of them they're nearing the end of the second case. We're looking for more booze.
Four hours later...
Any news?
I think bunner bit off more than he could chew. He's past the surly stage and now he's just looking glazed.
Six AM the next morning...
So how did it end?
Bunner's in the ER getting his stomach pumped. Obi drank everything left in the house, including the rubbing alchohol and then started eating the tables.

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
35000?
35000?
Wohoo!
Wohoo!

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
Uh, honey. Who's that in our living room?
Oh, that's just Joey.
And she is?
Just some American lass I won in a contest.
Why is she dressed in a kangaroo costume?
Oh, no reason.

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
Ok, let's go over this one more time. You said the first time you noticed she was missing was when?
Eleven this morning. We always take a break at 11 sharp and go buy a Yoo-Hoo. She's never been late in three years. I knew something was wrong.
And that's when you got back to the trailer? And found her?
Oh, it was so awful inspector! She was stuffed in the microwave! And whoever put her in there had nailed the door shut! It was just horrible!
I see. And this handkerchief you found, with the initials 'D.P.', where exactly was it?
It was on the table with the bloody knife. Sitting next to the dictionary and that riding crop.

 

by gabe_billings
9-22-01
Your pants are so short they make your ankles look big!
Two days later...
Hello?
I win!

 

by gabe_billings
9-23-01
Dr. Kaufman, I say to you now... KNOCK OFF ALL THAT EVIL! You're no match for my bionic crotch!
You're too late, Captain Jockstrap. The missile has been launched, and in twenty minutes London will be flatter than your head.
Twenty minutes you say?
That's right, nitwit. Not much for you to do now, eh?
Hold that thought...

 

by gabe_billings
9-23-01
I used to be a successful stockbroker. And then one day my wife caught me in bed with my secretary. So she whacked me on the head with a frying pan.
Now I'm a fucking mess. I'm depressed. I feel worthless. I live in a garbage can. Could I possibly degrade myself any further?
In retrospect, I probably should've stayed away from the secretary. Wirthling wasn't all that good in bed, anyway.

 

by gabe_billings
9-23-01
2000 posts, wirthling me boy! How do you like them fucking apples, eh?
I think you're without a doubt the biggest loser I have ever met in my entire life.
When is the last time you got off of your computer and went outside?
Out what?
Good grief.

 

by gabe_billings
9-24-01
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to clean up all this blood? Shit. Miracle, my ass. How 'bout somebody miracle these fucking stains off my floor?
I think we need to look beyond trivial matters and...
Trivial, my ass. All that screaming, she scared all the damn sheep half to death. She can forget about the security deposit.
Yeah, uh Mary... He's not too happy about the whole manger thing...

 

by gabe_billings
9-24-01
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to clean up all this blood? Shit. Miracle, my ass. How 'bout somebody miracle these fucking stains off my floor?
I think we need to look beyond trivial matters and...
Trivial, shit. All that screaming, she scared all the damn sheep half to death. She can forget about the security deposit.
Yeah, uh Mary... He's not too happy about the whole manger thing...

 

by gabe_billings
9-25-01
Well? Did it get him?
Uh, no sir. We had some unforseen problems with the weather ray and the tornado failed to uproot his apartment as planned. It's possible we may have given his carpet a bit of a soak, though.
Damn you boorite! You escape me again! Luckily for us we've Plan Z lined up. How's that coming?
Not too good, sir.
Not too good! What's the holdup?
We're having problems getting wirthling into the giant slingshot. He apparently saw through the trick sandwich ploy.

 

by gabe_billings
9-25-01
Well MacGyver. It looks like we're stranded here forever. Luckily I've got my ten favorite disks, a portable CD player and a multidimensional power outlet.
Shit, why didn't you say so? Hand me those disks and player and I'll whip up a boat using them, my knife, one of my socks and this rock..
What? Are you nuts? You even think about touching Sgt. Pepper and the boys and I'll bitch slap you faster than you can say 'Gilligan'.
Are you mental? I can get us off this island! Now hand over the goods, jackass!
Later...
...and that's when I ate him.

 

by gabe_billings
9-26-01
This is my new invention, the ChiropraCreator. It uses clever PHP code to correct body alignment. First strap on the BodyMangler harness.
Then simply use these pull down menus to enter in height, weight, etc... Choose your ailment and then press 'Crack It!' Voila! In no time at all you'll be fixed!
*Beep*. General Protection Fault. Windows has crashed. SNAP!!
Aiieee!!!!!! My spine!

 

by gabe_billings
9-26-01
Hi, I'm Lara!
Is that your car outside?
Sure is.
Why the hell is it covered in old floppies?
It's an art car. I decided to express myself by covering my entire car with obsolete technology.
I once tried to decorate my car with a dead moose, but I ran out of staples.

 

by gabe_billings
9-26-01
Hey sweetie, what smells so good?
Homemade pasta! And fresh salad... Plus I got a bottle of your favorite wine.
Wow. Hey, are those rose petals?
Yeah. I drew you a hot bubblebath upstairs, and I've got some towels warming in the dryer for when you get out.
What did you break?
Your mother. But the doctors say they should be able to reattach the foot.

 

by gabe_billings
9-27-01
Soar...
Soar...
Chickens can't fly!
Chickens can't fly!

 

by gabe_billings
9-27-01
Damn those elephants have some long legs.
What the fuck is wrong with those tigers?
My clock is melting!

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
Hey Billings, what's shaking?
Nothin' Obi. My wife is pulling a night shift and I got nothing to do.
Shit, let's head back to my place. I've got about half a keg left I need to finish, and the game'll be on in half an hour!
Maybe afterwards we can head down to the Golden Nugget for a little tittie show. I bet we could make it with some of the dancers!
Who the fuck are we kidding? We both hate football, and no stripper in her right mind would get within ten feet of the two of us.
Getting drunk it is, then.

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
Have you seen the new law, Obi? Apparently this man-on-man thing has in fact become law.
You mean I have to schtup some dude or I get slapped with a fine?
You should be so lucky. Try three years in a federal penitentiary.
Fuck. Guess there's only one thing to do. Bend over, Billings,
Thanks for letting me use your back to write my 'Fuck You' letter to the government. Never a table around when you need one.
Hey, this place isn't too bad. We've got HBO and Skinemax, and I got a sweet job working in the laundry for $1.05 an hour!

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
Sung to the tune of 'Minimum Wage' by TMBG.
o/ Minimum o/
o/ wage! o/
So that's it, then.
You forgot the whip.

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
fagbot vs dorkbot in a battle to the death
you suck dorkbot. when i get done with you there wont be enough left of you to make an ashtray!!!
DEATH RAY ON!!! phear /\/\y l337 5k1llz f@99it!
aaaiiieeeeee!!!!
CUT! You have to be fucking kidding me. Where the hell is Raoul? And somebody get me a fucking Evian.
Who wrote this shit? An eight year old retard on speed? Give me a fucking break. And why do these prop assholes keep changing the backdrops in the middle of the fucking scenes?
Chill, babe. It's cool. This is the new thing in comics these days. This stuff is hip. I mean cutting edge. Anything that makes sense is so yesterday. Now put on the donkey suit and let's go.

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
So this is your 400th comic, huh? What now?
I think Obi was right when he left before. I think I'm gonna take off and bid adieu to Stripcreator.
Really?
Really.
So this is goodbye?
I'm afraid so.

Showing page 8.

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