All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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Wait! Here comes Trouserless Bob. Bob! Stand over here!
Don't listen to him, Bob! There's nothing for you here!
>hic!

 

Yes, that's it Bob. Show them what for!
Noooooo - foiled again!
Hash anyone sheen my trousers?

 
Woooo, flashy lights. Pretty.

 

Hot diggetty dog!
Phew! I feel my old self again! How you doin'?
I need to lay off the scotch.

 

I went to the cinema last week, for a special preview screening of "Kissing Jessica Stein".
Unfortunately, due to a misprint on the cinema's listing guide, I was under the impression I was going to see "Killing Jessica Stein".
Needless to say, I was quite disappointed upon leaving the cinema.

 

Hey, Boorite! What are you drinking for?
Why, I'm celebrating! It's been a whole year since Kramer's first good comic strip.
That charlatan? I rue the day he ever set foot on this site. Recycling the same tired jokes ad infinitum. 'Look! I made 43 identical strips!' - he makes me sick!
Hold on now, he's not all bad. I liked those ones he did about Russell Crowe and the biscuit game.
That wasn't him, that was Andy Dougan.
Oh, sorry. All these Scots look the same to me.

 

What the hell I'm trapped up to my neck in lava. Help me, computer!
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
I've always wanted to say that.

 

What if Crabby and Kramer joined minds in some perverse ritual possibly involving the sacrifice of a virgin to the dark lord?
Large mouthed man, would you like the join the secret society I have formed this very day to combat the plague of locusts that have infected my homeland.
I am afraid I cannot consort with you my friend for I am only in this room to ensure the linoleum is free of such staining agents as grass, blackcurrant juice and the blood of my father.
I empathise with you as I too have had to remove remnants of my father from a floor and used the BLEACH OF THE GODS to deal with such stubborn problems.
I shall now KER-TRANS-FORM like I have never done since the BLEACH OF THE GODS was last mentioned in my presence in 1940 during the war when I was serving in a dirty France hovel.
Decepticons! During the war I though none existed back then but clearly you were and therefore your business in France in 1940 must have been of the scurrilous type.
It is true I confess all as the nature of my business in France was to monopolise the wine industry but alas the whores were too much of a temptation and I left to study the way of the Samurai.

 

It was my birthday yesterday. A pretty shit one by all accounts. How I wish I had a received a lovely gift like this blue plastic union general on a horse.
Kajun didn't even have it in the goodness of his heart to grant me a CC win. Therefore I have made arrangements to ensure victory in this one.
Jura sic man, Kramer!

 

So what do you think, Psychiatrist Bob?
Well, I have come to the conclusion that the problem is your mother.
My mother?
Yes.
Could you tell her to leave me alone?
You're not leaving the house looking like that young man, look at those dirty marks onyour coat and the state of your collar let me fix it for you. Clean your room or no dinner for you!

 

"Dearest HotGrrl2@aol.com, I watch you every day. You don't know me, but we are destined to be together. I love you with every fibre of my bieng."
"SEND? Y/N"
Hold on buddy, I don't think you want to send that email.
Ack! Fuzzyman- email supervisor! I swear, it's all just a big prank! I'm not really a serial stalker. I swear- I never touched her!
No no no, that's not what's up. You spelt 'being' wrong. Now this girl, is she hot?

 

Oh wicked man, I is so chuffed to have won this here award. Big ups to all my homies.
I would like to fank all the peeps what voted for me, and visited my clubs to hear me play. Booyakasha!
I can't believe that smug bastard won the "Best DJ" award.
Well, he IS a house fly.

 

Can I help you?
Hi. Yes, I was wondering if you had seen my trousers. I think I left them in this neighbourhood somewhere.
Tragically, no. How I would love to see a nice pair of colourful trousers, but alas I have seen none and my life remains in black and white.
What? Are you saying that the sight of my trousers may cause you to burst into colour, much like in the film Pleasantville?
Why, yes I do! May I join you on your trouser quest?
Ummmm, no. To be honest, you're scaring me. Bye!

 

"Dear McDonalds. I hate your food with every bone in my body. Tonight, all your restaurants will BURN! Your moron staff will perish in my flames of justice!"
Hold on chum, I don't think you want to send that email.
Egad! Fuzzyman- email supervisor! I swear, I'm just joshing. I'm not really going to burn down McDonalds and slaughter countless innocents! Don't tell the feds!
Huh? Oh, don't worry. I was just going to ask you to send that to Burger King while you're at it. I bloody hate them!

 

Good evening sir, may I interest you in some life insurance?
Life insurance, eh? I must admit, I have always been uneasy about my own mortality. I'll take it!
Take what?
The life insurance.
Blargleflump! Zumbowack! Treggermunk! YOUR SOUL BELONGS TO ME, CAPTAIN ARMSTRONG! Aiieeeeeeee!
Something tells me you aren't a real insurance salesman.

 

How long have we been waiting out here?
That's four days now, I think.
Are you sure you gave the guy in Ikea the right address?

 

That's us been out here five days now.
Uh-huh.
Just admit it. There is no secret Backstreet Boys gig.

 

I've just heard. Apparently we're here to try and resurrect dead chicks and have sex with them.
That's just sick!
I know.
If my wife found out, she'd kill me!

 

What are you doing over there?
I'm trying to jack our brains into the neo-cyber-matrix zone.
Very clever. Can you take us back to the graveyard now, please?
Hold on, I'll just look it up in "Jacking your brains into the neo-cyber-matrix zone for dummies". Okay, I think I found the right command.
Huh? Where are we now?
By the looks of things, this is your bank account.

 
For god's sake man, put your trousers back on.

 

Excuse me young woman. How much for a piece of your sweet, sweet ass?
Eh? I'm not a woman. I'm a hot-blooded male who just happens to be wearing a skirt and a truly horrible shirt.
No need to get so snarky with me, milady. Is it your time of the month?
What? I told you, I'm not a girl! Are you not listening or something?
So, how about it, babes. Fifty bucks for the bet bang you ever had.
I'm not telling you again, I'm not a - hold on. Fifty bucks? This way, please.

 

It is the year 3003 AD
Ack! All this death and destruction. It really gets me down.
Yes. But hark! I have invented a time machine. Perhaps we can use that to relieve the misery of mankind's dour existence.
I agree. Let us travel back in time to 2002, and kill the one they call "Adam Sandler".
Will doing that, in some way, change the past and avert the apocalypse?
No. I just figured it would be a bit of a laugh.

 

Davros, have you heard? I'm at number one!
Yes. Um, well done, I guess.
Thanks! So what's that you're working on today?
Well, this is a bottle of vodka and these are sleeping pills.
So what are you going to do? Spike the vodka supply with mind-altering drugs forcing the populace to serve you as their unholy master?
Actually, I was going to kill myself. I've got your song stuck in my head.

 

"When I was youg, my father always told me never to judge anyone. I continue to live by his words."
Good day to you, sir. My name is Nick. I just moved in next door.
Hello, I'm Catsby. I'm having a party at my house. It's much bigger than yours.
Cunt.

 

So then I said, that ain't a token ring network paradigm, that's my mother! Hahahaha! Thank you, I'll be here all night.
Not so fast!
Who dares interrupt the comedic skills of Fuzzyman - Email Project Manager?
I, Fuzzyman- Email Supervisor! I have come to claim what is rightfully mine from you, imposter! Now to see who you REALLY are!
That's not quite who I was expecting.

 

Santa! Why did you feel the need to hijack my comic series and turn it into an unfunny set of strips about computer networks?
Ho ho ho?

 

C'mon Santa, spill the beans. Why did you hijack my series?
All right, Fuzzyman, I'll tell you. I get so bored during the summer, so I thought I'd try and spread some happiness to the world.
With a series of strips about computer networks?
Well, I DO only go out one night a year.

 

That's it, Santa. For spoiling my series you must pay the ultimate price. Prepare to die!
Pah, you are no match for me, puny human! Activate Santa Battle Armour!
Huh?
Shit.
RAAAR!!! MECHA-SANTA STOMP PUNY FLESH MAN!

 

Mecha-Santa, wait! Surely you can't stomp me. I've been good this year! Go on, check your list and see.
CHECKING LIST...
CHECKING LIST TWICE...
MECHA-SANTA CAN'T BELIEVE HE FELL FOR THAT.

 

HOW DARE PUNY FLESH MAN TRY TO RUN. THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM MECHA-SANTA. PREPARE FOR CRUSHING!
Wait! Santa, I know you're in there somewhere. Please hear me. Santa isn't about crushing, he is about love and the joy of giving.
Ack! You're right! I was on the brink of becoming a monster, and going against all I stand for. Thank you, Fuzzyman, thank you for saving me from myself.
Ha! Without your armour, you're vunerable. EAT FLAMETHROWER DEATH!!!
Hmmm, I think I've just screwed my chances of getting that pony for Christmas.

 

Anne, I've been checking the access logs and it appears you've been spending a lot of time at GiantCockRampage.com
Um, only in my lunchbreak. Why, is that a problem?
No, no problem.
I was just wondering - could I use your password? They won't accept my credit card.

 

Fuzzyman, since I promoted you to Network Manager, productivity has dropped by 12%. I'm afraid I have no alternative but to take action.
What, you're going to sack me?
No. I'm not going to sack you.
What are you in for? I took an extra ten minutes for lunch.

 

That's it, you've gone too far. Locking me in the dungeon was the last straw.
I will not tolerate insubordinance, Fuzzyman. Prepare to die! Activate Hyper-Boss Armour!
Huh?
So... where's the armour, then?
I forgot, the ex-wife got to keep it.

 

C'mon you bastard, let me in! I've got a bone to pick with you!
Perm! What do you want?
I've come to complain about the criminal underuse of Javier the Angry Wizard in your strips recently.
So you miss all the complex subtexts of a character, conflicted as he is with feelings of bitterness and a sense of rejection from his peers.
Actually, I just like all the swearing.

 

So, you see, I was trying to get away from being stuck as "The Guy who does the Javier Strips" by exploring other avenues of comedy.
I appreciate that, Kramer, it's just that none of them were funny.
Not funny? How can you say that about such works of comedic genius as "Es-Crow the legal advice Emu" or "Blofeldt and his crush on Bond"?
I just find them painfully unfunny. They make me want to smash my monitor then gouge my eyes out with the broken glass.
Well... fuck you! Don't make me kick your fucking ass you twat. Fuck you. I'm a fucking master cartoonist. I'll do what the fuck I want.
That's more like it!

 

I don't get it. I try my hardest to keep people amused with a varied selection of comics, but all I get is "We want Javier!"
If I could, I'd pander to the mainstream and churn out hundreds of identical strips.
But I was under the impression that was what I was doing anyway.

 

Look everyone, I've invented a new character! His name is "Miguel the Angry Public Service Announcment Man."
Hello kids! Remember to look both ways before crossing the fucking road!
Using Miguel like this, I can please the fans of swearing, plus satisfy my need to spread some love around the community.
Don't smoke in bed, you cunt!
So, Miguel, are you ready to go out there and have lots of wacky adventures?
Damn fucking straight, boss! And remember to floss!

 

Boss, have you heard? There's a new swearing character with a hispanic sounding name. He's out to steal your thunder!
What the fuck? Am I not fucking good enough for them or something? Fuck them, I don't need this shit.
"Kramer says, 'I found writing for Javier increasingly dull. With Miguel I hope to contrast the swearing with him helping kids'"
Helping kids? Fiddling kids, more like. So I'm boring, am I? I'll show this Kramer character. I'll kick his arse.
But he created you! Surely that would be like picking a fight with a god!
Big fucking deal. If the fucking Ghostbusters can do it, I fucking can.

 

Pssst- hey!
Huh? Who's there?
It's me, Perm. I heard you're going to kick Kramer's ass, I was wondering if I could help.
Hey, you're that guy who kept sending me all the fan mail! I was secretly hoping you'd be a hot girl, but knew deep down in my heart of hearts that it wasn't to be.
If you want, I could dress up as a girl.
Maybe later.

 

You! You're the one who cruelly discarded me in favour of more recent comic creations!
Yes, that is correct. I grew weary of your incessant swearing and macho posturing, so I decided to retire you.
How could you do such a thing? I have served you well, have I not?
Don't worry, I've had a new idea for you, but with a few subtle changes. You may have noticed you can no longer swear.
F-f-fudge it! What are you doing to me? I feel... different!
From now on, you will be "Javier the Flamboyantly Homosexual Warlock". Now hold on and I'll fetch your gimp suit.

 

Mmm, a muggle. Hello there ducky. I love your sweet sweet muggle buttocks. May I please nestle my chin between them? Ooh! How very rude!
Are you speaking to me?
I love listening to Abba and other muggle bands. I'm a warlock, would you like to see my staff? Woo-hoo! How very rude!
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a "muggle" is.
I know magic, you know. Would you like to see a demonstration? I could make you see sparks! Just let me get my wand out. How rude!
Look, will you just shut up and give me my Big Mac?

 

Wooooo! A big burly man! How are you, darling? Want to come and listen to my Village People CDs? How rude!
Javier! It's me, Perm! I can't bear to see what that bastard Kramer has done to you. I've come to rescue you!
Rescue me? The only person here that needs rescued here is you -from me! Woo-hoo! How rude!
No, listen. You're not really gay, and you swear a lot. Repeat after me - 'fuck'.
Don't mind if I do! Drop 'em, big boy!
How rude!

 

Mmm, I wish I worked in KFC. I hear it's full of juicy chicken. How rude!
Right that's it, I know how to get you to snap out of it. Javier, I've brought an old friend of yours along.
Hello Javier.
Cunt.

 

Thank fuck for that. I don't know know how long I'd have lasted as a fucking nancy boy fag bum bandit.
It looks like seeing your old pal Harry snapped you out of it.
I'm feeling better now anyway. And I've learnt not to try and fuck with the guy who puts words in my mouth.
And you're sure you're not feeling any latent homosexuality?
No more than usual, why?
I was just wondering what the crotchless trousers were for.

 

Hey, kid! Don't talk to strangers. They might want to fuck you up the ass!
Mommy!

 

So, how did last night go?
Oh god, it was terrible. He insisted on plying me with drinks all night, and then he tried to stick his hand down my top in the taxi home.
Really? What a bastard!
Yeah, and then I caught him trying to slip roofies into my drink while he thought I wasn't looking. And he tried to steal my trousers.
Sounds like a pretty shitty night out.
Yeah. I was like "Dad, you're not supposed to act like this at PTA meetings", but he wouldn't listen.

 

Happy Elvis day, everyone! And now, as a special treat, I present Bob Dylan's Tribute to Elvis!
Lob meat ender, glove miss eat. Navel let mingle. Youssef Madeley wife compete, Andy'll off yousso!
Um, Bob. You were supposed to be singing an Elvis song.
I thought I just did?

 

See, all you motherfuckers, I hate every single one of you. You, in the front row. What the fuck is up with your hair? You look like fucking topiary.
And you, sir. That shirt, I mean, why? Did someone force you at gunpoint to wear that? Think it's going to help you get a man?
They won't be laughing so much once I unleash the killer bees.

 

So, anyway, this Jehova's witness showed up at my house and started blabbering on like a twat about God.
So I beat him with a pipe, then tied him up left him in my basement with the rats. Where's your God now, eh?
They're all laughing, but one of them's next.

 

So, I was watching two old ladies fight over a jumper at a jumble sale yesterday. I was wondering what would happen if I armed them?
You can see the results in my new video "Super-Granny Machete Deathmatch 14!"
Hey, don't boo me like that. They were going to die anyway.

Showing page 8.

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